Yes, the "infidelity diet" puts Atkins to shame.

Here's a suggested response to just about anything your wife may verbally throw at you:

"I understand your concern."

Say it very calmly. This universal response works pretty well when emotional accusations and foglatin barbs get flung around.

WAT

Just a question dumb maybe. Is it easier for a WW to realize her mistake quicker then a WH? I'm not sure just figured I'd ask.

On this aspect, I think the consensus is that there are no gender differences.

Thanks WAT just wondered. I guess I should have known since everyone describes this as a drug addiction.


-------------------------
BS(me) 35
WS 29
D-day 4/10/04
M 2.5 T 6
Plan A/Plan B not sure

<small>[ March 18, 2004, 11:44 AM: Message edited by: Johns98ck ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MelodyLane:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Roman121:
<strong> John,
Sorry for jumping you, I just wanted you to think hard about what you want to do before you do it. As far as who you tell, just remember, if you reconcile, your family and friends will know about your W's affair. When she gets her head back out of the fog, she will feel guilt from all those people she knows.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Romans, actually Harley has counseled people here to "do everything short of taking out a billboard." The greater the exposure, the faster the affair will die. It should not be done maliciously, but as a means to an end. To do otherwise is to help them conceal their dirty little secret which only serves to ENABLE the affair. The BS actually becomes an accessory to the crime when they help the WS hide it.

And she should feel embarrassment and shame about her affair, that is a natural consequence of bad behavior. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Melody,
Thanks for your input. I don't want to jack this thread. We are here to help John. I have my reasons and they are valid. My concern for you is you call the A a crime? What do you mean? Is your H a criminal? Then you talk about guilt and suffering. You don't agree that when they come out of the fog that there will be immense guilt and suffering by the WS? Maybe you are suggesting that we take the WS out into the public square, paint a big red A on thier chest and display them for all to see and ridicule?

Don't get me wrong, I believe you can seek help of someone you can trust and who will help you to stay in the M. I don't agree that you go and tell all. If the WS won't break contact, it will come out. I am saying use caution on who you tell. Most people do not understand what an A is and will be extremly judgemental toward the WS. I ask you to examine WHY you tell anyone. If it is to help bring your S back, fine. But the way I see it, the BS tries first. If it does not work in due time, you can bring in a common friend or counselor. From that point, the WS will respond in some way. If that doesn't work, bring others in. Just be careful early on. You need pure motives. Making someone pay for thier crime as YOU put it is not a pure motive.

I suggest if you and WAT want to continue this, that you call me out on another thread for an open discussion for the forum. It seems this is a common question. I'll bet there are alot of different opinions.

Christ's Love,
Roman121

Even though I can't see or talk to my WW and after my anger has subsided. I need to do a solid Plan A for now even if WW lives with OM she has to come over and pick up her mail and various other stuff. So I will Plan A for now so she can see the nice person that she might lose. Still going to get the Seperation agreement though so don't worry WAT I won't back down on this since OM like to gamble. I will work on Plan B letter but I hope it doesn't come to that. Time will tell. My other problem is I don't know if I have the patience to wait a year or six month for the affair to fizzle. I've been trying to be positive today. Had a good talk with my SIL. I keep thinking that if my WW was so in love with OM she would have told her family the truth about the whole matter. Not sure if this is good or not but it gives me hope.

<small>[ March 18, 2004, 05:04 PM: Message edited by: Johns98ck ]</small>

Here's a question should I do the reality check to my WW. Something along these lines "WW what would you think of a person that was getting a divorce and might be causing another one by having an affair with a married person?" Try to hit her sense of morality, I don't know just a thought.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>posted by Melody:The BS actually becomes an accessory to the crime when they help the WS hide it.</strong> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Roman121:
Melody,
Thanks for your input. I don't want to jack this thread. We are here to help John. I have my reasons and they are valid. My concern for you is you call the A a crime? What do you mean? Is your H a criminal? Then you talk about guilt and suffering. You don't agree that when they come out of the fog that there will be immense guilt and suffering by the WS? Maybe you are suggesting that we take the WS out into the public square, paint a big red A on thier chest and display them for all to see and ridicule?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh c'mon, now that is silly. I was using a figure of speech, not calling them a criminal. You are being purposely obtuse.

Your suggestion that I advocate taking them into the public square with a scarlet letter is unwarranted and needs no response.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am saying use caution on who you tell. Most people do not understand what an A is and will be extremly judgemental toward the WS. I ask you to examine WHY you tell anyone. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Certainly one should use caution in who they tell. No one has argued otherwise. But family and friends should be told. And of course many people are judgmental about adultery. They should be. Adultery is wrong. People can judge right from wrong.

I think you need to examine why you are so averse to this very critical step. Exposure is recommended by Harley as a means to hasten the end of the affair. Ending the affair, rather than ENABLING the WS, is the most productive path. Not exposing it only serves to enable the affair.

That is very sound advice which is offered by the Harleys, who do have a bit of experience in the marriage business. As Harley once told one of his clients, on this board, "do everything short of taking out a billboard." His advice is based on sound reasoning and long experience so I would suggest folks listen to him.

<small>[ March 18, 2004, 09:51 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Johns98ck:
<strong> Here's a question should I do the reality check to my WW. Something along these lines "WW what would you think of a person that was getting a divorce and might be causing another one by having an affair with a married person?" Try to hit her sense of morality, I don't know just a thought. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">John, you don't want to make any disrespectful judgements, it will only make her defensive and push her away. She can't be brought out of the fog by saying stuff like this to her. That will only make her defend her poor choices. If you make no disrespectful judgements, she will have to come to that conclusion on her own. Have you read about lovebusters?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Johns98ck:
<strong> Here's a question should I do the reality check to my WW. Something along these lines "WW what would you think of a person that was getting a divorce and might be causing another one by having an affair with a married person?" Try to hit her sense of morality, I don't know just a thought. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">double ditto Mel

Don't try this whatsoever.

But John, you are reacting normally. What you suggested makes very much sense, is obviously logical, and to rational people doesn't even need to be asked.

BUT YOU'RE NOT DEALING WITH A RATIONAL PERSON!!!

After reading and posting on this forum for about three and a half years, I can say with confidence that this represents the most common pit fall to BSs - attempting to reason with their WSs. This is tough to learn NOT to do because it's what we're used to doing with them.

So, take comfort in knowing you're normal and so is she - for a WS.

WAT

Thank you for your imputs Mel and WAT. I will take your advice and not do this I will be the nice calm person so she can see that. I'm working on changing. I'm hoping to get my Smoke Away program today so I can start to break this bad habit. If she comes over Monday to talk I will leave the stuff out where she can see it so she can see I'm making the effort. Thanks again.

Ok so here's what I did. I sent my WW an email to her work that's how I found out she went on vacation with OM anyways here's what I wrote.


Just figured I'd send an email to say Hi and let you know that you have mail at the house. I forgot to tell you something when we talked Wed. I just wanted to let you know that if you think I deserve better then you, all I ever wanted was you. I also wanted to let you know that when we said our wedding vows for better or worse, well this is defintly the worst and I will keep my promise.

I know probobly not good but it's too late now, but I'm learning from my mistakes so I will not send her anything anymore I'll be patient and wait for her to contact me. Lord let me learn patience.