and I desperately want my husband back. I have moved out into an apartment since 12/03- prior to that was living with parents (9/12/03)and still see my husband daily. I lied and lied about not seeing the other man, my husband knows I was. He set the rule- no communication- no nothing with the man I cheated with. I had every intention of cutting it off, but after being told to leave our home I was so lonely and mostly depended on other person to talk to. It has turned into such a mess- my husband says his feelings have changed for me- he is angry and upset. I on the other hand want to put my life back together with him for US and our six year old daughter. She is not having a hard time with this and thinks it's fun that we have two places to live. Almost daily I go home and we do not have a set plan of where my daughter is ngihtly. I cook, clean, and still play mommy and wife to an extent at the house until he asks me to leave. There are some nights I stay there when asked to and we do sleep together but seldom have sex anymore (once a week-- which is much less than we ever had before). I still talk with the man I cheated with, but I could stop this at any moment if my husband would give me something to hold onto- something that shows me strongly that he wants to work on our marriage or at least the relationship as friends first. I literally have no one to talk to besides my husband and now that he doesn't want to 'talk about us' anymore- I speak with man I cheated with about my life and what I want (he knows I want to get things right with my husband- and doesn't seem supportive either way he just listens). My question is--- what do I do? How do I prove to my husband that I Love Him- I want him and I will do anything it takes to keep our family together and make our lives the best that I can? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I know Trust is a hard thing to gain back- but he is afraid to let me in

Let go of the OM first, and see if you can earn your H's trust back.

NC is critical. As a BS H myself, to want both is selfish.

You must become selfless and transparent and MAYBE you can earn his trust.

Tony

I am by no means an expert but I would say that you MUST stop all contact with the OM (other man) if you want your husband to even try to trust you again. You want your husband to give you something to hold on to but what are you giving him to hold on to? You are betraying him further by continuing to communicate with OM -- do a no contact letter immediately - show your husband that he is important to you.

There may be others that have more experience and can tell you something different but to me you aren't showing anything to your husband by continuing contact.

Good luck and keep posting - there are many great people here that can help

Trish,

First the easy part. Let me start by telling you that there is no way on God's Green Earth that your H is going to forgive you and deal with the anger as long as you have contact with your OM, other man.

You are rubbing your A in his face everytime you contact OM. Further, if you think he doesn't know you are nuts. He knows.

So if you want to have a chance to rebuild this marriage you MUST write a No Contact letter to your OM. Have your H read it, edit, and to it, and then both of you sign it and have your H mail it.

That is step one.

While this is going on, you need to do some homework. I would strongly suggest you get Surviving An Affair (SAA) and His Needs Her Needs (HNHN) both by Harley. The first will explain the dynamics of an affair from a point of view you may not have considered. It will help you and it will help help your H. Then read HNHN so that you can see what may have been wrong with the marriage before YOU and it was only YOU that made these decisions.

You must understand you are effectively still in an affair with OM. You confide in him, you share things with him that you should be sharing with your H, and your focus is still at least partially on him. Your H will NOT accept this for much longer, and I fear that you don't realize the damage that is occuring even now. If it gets too much for your H, and who knows where his threshold is, then it will be over, and you will lose alot.

So end all contact with OM, and do it NOW, Tonight, this minute.

I would also like to encourage you to read the articles here about "radical honesty" the Policy of joint agreement, POJA.

Keep posting and asking questions, the people here will do their best to help you and your H.

Now for some details that will help further posters. How long ago did your affair start? Did you confess to your H, or did he find out? Is the OM someone you see at work? If so can you change jobs?

How long have you been married?

Must go. Please keep reading and posting.

God Bless,

JL

TM,
There's alot of pain for both of you right now.

I wanted to comment on something you said.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I still talk with the man I cheated with, but I could stop this at any moment if my husband would give me something to hold onto- something that shows me strongly that he wants to work on our marriage or at least the relationship as friends first. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> what do I do? How do I prove to my husband that I Love Him- I want him and I will do anything it takes to keep our family together and make our lives the best that I can? I know Trust is a hard thing to gain back- but he is afraid to let me in </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Look at the above statements. What can you do for your husband (H) and your marriage (M)? You can start by having No Contact (NC) with the OM. Are you familiar with the NC concept from Harley's web site. If not go up there and read about it. Write him a NC letter tonight show it to your H and (e)mail it tomorrow. This won't change things overnight but it will be the first step forward. Take the first step. Don't wait for your H to do so.

Right now your H is angry but he is also probably feeling rejected & scared as well. Even the toughest type A has self esteem issues after discovering their spouse's A.

How long was the A?

Was it w/ someone close to your H or someone your H compares himself to?

How did he discover it?

Have you had other A's?

The answer to these questions will determine most likely how long it'll take to rebuild M. Everyone's different, also.

Lastly you said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I speak with man I cheated with about my life and what I want (he knows I want to get things right with my husband- and doesn't seem supportive either way he just listens) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does this surprise you? Affairs are one of the most selfish things a human can do. Your OM is being selfish. He wants you around to meet his needs; most likely booty call.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I literally have no one to talk to besides my husband </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">well and of course the OM.

That however is not true. You have all of us here at MB. The old timers at MB really helped me when I suspected my W and all I got were the lies and the insinuation that I was insanely jealous of her "good friend."

My advice beyond the NC letter is don't rush your H. He needs time to think about the problem. Per the book "Men are ...Mars..Women..Venus" he's gone to his "cave" to look at the situation. Don't continually ask him to talk relationships with you. Women aren't allowed in the cave nor are they allowed to lurk around the entrance. When he approaches you accept him back. Don't punish him for going off to the cave.

As you can see you may want to go out and buy a few relationship books. Besides the one referenced above most MBers suggest Harley's "Surviving an Affair". I read Shirley Glass' "Not Just Friends"

You have a long road ahead of you. There'll be times when your Taker (selfishness) will come out and you'll think to yourself "if he's not better in ___ months I give up." It doesn't work that way.

Besides the uncertain timeline for recovery you'll also discover that it is an emotional rollercoaster. Assuming your H decides to commit to the M, there'll be days when he is showing kindness and affection (and not just for sex as all of our women readers are assuming--lol) and there'll be other days when he is withdrawn and in his "cave." He may also have days when he is very angry and treats you poorly and calls you a wh@$&. The emotions just are out of control.

So...............get cracking on the NC letter.

cwmac

<small>[ March 17, 2004, 08:36 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

Hello,

You can't really be serious are you? How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your husband still continued to talk with his female lover because he is lonely and yet continued to tell you that he wanted to get back with you?

You cheated and became intimately involved with this OM and continued to lie to your husband about it. He finds out and is in enormous pain because of your betrayal. You want to prove to him that you want to come back and are trustworthy. So what do you do - you continue to to talk to your OM behind your husband's back.

Why in the world would you husband wish to forgive you and try again with you when you do not even have the common decency and respect toward your husband to stop contact with your lover? You judge a person by their actions and not their words and your actions speak volumes.
How is it possible for you not to see understand this? You are still betraying and humiliating your husband by staying in contact with the OM. Please open your eyes and your mind. Again what would you think if your husband was doing this to you?
Unbelievable.

I am so ashamed, and yet feeling wonderful inside for some response in such a short period of time- Maybe there is hope. Thank you for your suggestions, and for the reminders again that this is my fault. The OM is useless to me,a nd I have written a NC letter before and went over it with my husband but it was never sent. This happened after I first left home, my husband wasn't interested and siad it would not work. The OM is not someone at work (Thank God), but was a friend of both of ours. I have been married 12 years this July, and have never had an affair before. My husband and OM's wife suspected something and came up with cell phone bills reflecting a lot of call activity over a few months time. This walsl all the affair consisted of for quite some time, constant phone conversations in private. We did have sex twice before we were found out. At that point no one wanted to deal with A. I told OM to not contact me- changed my cell phone number and stayed away. This worked for a few months, but then we started talking again here and there- maybe once every few weeks. On a particular bad day I agreed to meet OM somewhere in public and my husband had me followed there. That was the day he asked me to leave home. Since then I have been back and forth between my parents and an apartment and home. Some days everythign seems fine,a ndothers they are at their worst. My husband has had a high tolerance level and I feel he is out of steam. He syas he doesn't want to look over his shoulder constantly and can't just trust me again. I am committing to cutting off contact with OM- I undersatnd that nothing is acceptable as far as that goes. This move I will have to make on my own as H will not be interested in even hearing about until it is thrugh. Then my goal will be getting him to believe me. I will get the books- Thank You for your advice and any words of encouragement. I just need to know that there is hope. Thank you again

Trish, you are still trying to con him and he will know it. He knows you are in contact with the OM so if you don't admit it and send the letter together, he will have even less reason to trust you. If you want him to trust you, then you need to start being HONEST NOW and come clean.

Covering things up won't do anything for you. He shouldn't have to settle for that.

Hello again,

Do I understand this correctly? You got caught having a sexual affair and your husband forgave you and demanded no contact with the OM. Later you meet up with the OM and were caught again meeting with the OM? I do not understand this.
It sounds like you really want to be with your husband. Your husband forgave you for having sex with this OM and you still meet up with the OM again which forces your husband to throw in the towel.
I guess my question would be why would you have done this after being lucky enough to have been forgiven in the first place? I just don't get it because it really sounds like your OM does not mean much to you anyway? I wish you luck.

Have you actually come clean about the A with your husband? Are you going to continue to deny the affair to your H? I am the BS and my H still denies there was anything physical and they were just friends and he loves he as a friend. But he still denies, denies, denies. The denial hurts, and I know that if he would just come clean about the whole thing then there is something to go from but the denying when you know you are lying just hurts them even more. Sounds like to me you aren't willing to do what it takes to get him back and you are using this OM to life yourself up when you are feeling bad about the situation you created. I agree with the others the NC has to come first. And you have to be honest with yourself and your H.

Nobody's Angel,
Not to hijack the thread bc I think my response is also valid for Trish also.

My W came clean relatively quickly on her EA with her OM. Our situation was similar to yours..
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> my H still denies there was anything physical and they were just friends and he loves he as a friend </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They were soul mates and all of the typical crap.

So from Winter '02 until Fall '03 she did the exact same thing concerning the P aspect of the A ie. deny, deny, deny. She should have come clean about the PA at the same time as the EA.

As we all know affairs are the most selfish thing a spouse can do. By continuing the lies she (and your H) continued the selfish behavior. After all it was all about her not having to "face the music" for her behavior. I, like you, based upon my evidence was 99.999% sure that a PA had taken place.

The result was we had 18 months of false recovery. I was an emotional wreck. My behavior swung from true feelings of renewed love for my W to having outbursts of anxiety that at times included calling her a liar etc.

Print this thread out and show it to your H.

MrNobodysAngel,
You continue to be selfish in your treatment of your W. By continuing to deny the truth about the PA you are just postponing true recovery. So be a man and accept full responsibility for your actions!

cwmac

<small>[ March 18, 2004, 02:39 PM: Message edited by: cwmac ]</small>

The key to being trustworthy is BEHAVING trustworthy.

Change yourself, do plan a...be the best spouse you can be. You becoming a better person should not be contingent upon whether or not your husband can reconcile with you. It should be a given.

NO OM or your have NO CHANCE...not only at this marriage but at self-respect.


ayslyne