The next episode of "As the Stomach Turns"....

I'm basically only keeping the peace, minding my LB's, getting along as best I can, til I get enough cash together to throw H out. Haven't completely given up hope, but it's a pretty scarce commodity.

In both of H's known A's.... he's "agreed" to NC, "chosen" me, "tried" to make things work, etc.
Mostly lip service, minimal effort.

Also, with both OW's, he continued to persue and harass, until threatened with dire consequences.

He ended up quiting (losing) his job over the work OW. Temper tantrum at work when she refused repeatedly to re-engage the A and threatened to file harassment charges. He blew up at bosses and walked out.....

Neighbor OW went to other neighbors and landlord for assistance when she decided she'd had enough and ended it. He continued to pressure her and enter her apt. in the middle of the night, take his clothes off, crawl into bed w/ her and "help himself" She threatened to file sexual assualt charges. Landlord threatened to evict us if he didn't immediately & completely cease and desist all contact at HER request.

He finally got the hint, but to this day still does not have a clue as to just how big that dodged bullet could have become!

BTW- As to why any single female in a ground floor efficiency apt located in an urban area would sleep in the nude with an unlocked door....that bewilders me...

An interesting thing has occurred....Monday afternoon a police detective appeared at our door, looking for H. He was not yet home from work. Detective left a business card and asked to have H call him. I was completely bewildered...

H returned the call yeaterday. I've been stewing ever since.

Seems the reason for the call is that police dept in neighboring burg had rec'd complaint that H had been following/stalking a female. H was warned that if this behavior was deliberate, it was unwelcome by said female, and would result in criminal charges if seriously persued.

Female says he followed her to a grocery store, blocked her car in and wouldn't let her leave.

H says that no such thing occurred. He didn't remember blocking anyone's parking space, went into store, did his shopping and left. Acted bewildered....

She apparently described accurately what he was wearing that day, physical characteristics match, etc. Also accurately described vehicle and specifics.

I do not know if police found H by her giving a name, etc, or simply liscense plate info.

I've considered writing the detective an email with a few questions. Do you think he'd answer? What do y'all think I can legally ask and expect an answer for? Are police incident reports for assistance publically accessible?

I'm trying not to flip out, I have nothing but his odd, decidedly untrustworthy behavior as of late (at least 3-4 weeks)as evidence. Some kind of fog rolling back in for sure. So, radar alarming at full volume already, anyways. And now the cops.

Oh, he knows I'm suspicious, swears he doesn't know what it was all about, etc. Could be some little old bluehair with a paranoid disposition....blah blah.....

But he's sure being awfully nice to me since Monday!! Also fitting the pattern I've seen before...this all has become very creepy.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

But, on a brighter note, I'm ok, getting by as best I can, looking forward to a peaceful life once I can get away from this!! I Have girded myself to sacrifice tonight to the Gods of Ebay---- my collection of vintage ladies lacy, frilly underthings, peignoirs, nighties, and such, but it's all good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I'll distract myself by beginning to sort and photo boxes of old ugly gaudy costume jewelry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I'll continue to look for a job, at least part-time, to satisy landlords conditions for taking over the lease.

I plan on being busy. For me. I've decided that peace of mind and spirit are much more important.

Thanks, all...

<small>[ March 19, 2004, 10:23 PM: Message edited by: HelenWheels ]</small>

So he has lost his job, you almost got evicted, and the police are questioning him. But he says nothing is going on. I would insist he get some help from a shrink. He may need some medication. This is not normal behavior, even for a WS.

Helen. This man is a sexual predator who is in serious need of help. Not only that, but he is a danger to society. Any man that breaks into a woman's bedroom and "helps himself," is dangerous. And of course he stalked the woman in the recent complaint. It is his pattern.

I think you are missing the true issue here when you write posts about trying to build trust with such a person and keeping him satisified with sexy lingerie. That is the least of your problems.

If you can't get him in to get some serious psychiatric help, then you need to take steps to protect society and get him off the street. You have a responsibility to protect other women from your H.

Your H problems seem to go a whole lot deeper than just being unfaithful. Is there No way for you to just be Away from him? Even if it is hard on you (finacially, emotionally). Just wondering because you stated that he already lost his job (and your reason for keeping him was $money).


Please stop letting him manipulate you. He's got you questioning yourself, even when you know he's lied to you. Please take back that power from him.

By the way, what is your breaking point (or do you even know)? Really surprised you aren't already past your "last" straw. Sounds like to me you've put up with way more than even the MBers plan say you should. AT the minimum a strong and firm plan B is needed. At least until he either voluntarily gets some real help or the police force some help on him. Hope you can find a way through all this.

This is not a matter of infidelity, but a matter of mental illness that manifests itself in criminal sexual conduct. Completely different animal.

I agree with ML and the other posters. His activity is a problem. No telling what else he is involved in that he is not getting caught for. I would write the detective a letter, but I would tell him about all the other instances of stalking and breaking and entering, and rape, he is not getting in trouble for.

And I would get out of there as quickly as you can. Time to get a job and be self-sufficient, it's only a matter of time before his behavior gets him landed in jail.

Thanks for the replies-

Believer- I agree. This is not normal behavior, even for a WS. This has developed over a 2 year period. He will not get help. The one time he agreed to see a counselor, he never set the appointment, and shortly thereafter is when he quit the job that had the medical coverage to pay for it. Where OW was. I'm pretty sure that is the biggest reason that he quit, cuz I was pshing him to get help, and he was trying to rekindle with her. Losing that counseling coverage just made his decision all the easier, I'll bet...I could not insist that he go, once the coverage was gone. Touche'...

Melody-
First, I never wore the lingerie for him! Most of it would never fit me! I've collected it as investment at cheap prices to resell on ebay. I'm not trying to rebuild trust, either, as far as that goes. Just trying to get along as "roommates" till landlord is satisfied enough to let him out of the lease, have me take over as an individual, and ask that he leave.

I also have concerns about what may occur with him psychologically after I do this and totally & completely reject him. He obviously doesnt handle perceived rejection very well at all.

I did take your advice today and begin to make efforts to protect myself and other women further. I spent several hours with the neighbor that he stalked and assaulted. She feels that he still continues to be overly interested in her life and that she should have pressed charges. She also encouraged me to write or call this detective and make him aware of this pattern. She has also agreed to talk to the detective herself if he is interested in speaking with her.

She was in a 6 year R with him also, and knows him very well. They just never bothered to marry. Ironically, it has turned out that in the beginning, I was OW to that R....but I never found that out till much, much later, and it was too late.

Even though she cheated with him, She's not a bad person, we may actually become friends at some point. She sees how she has enabled this crap by trying to be nice, avoiding a conflict, and not having him charged with sexual assault last summer, when that particular series of events occured.

No more illusions, no more nice, no more benefit of the doubt. All bets are off. The gloves are next, they'll also come off here shortly.

I've lined up all of the cooperation from others that I need. If I had about $800 to reassure Landlord for rent right now, it'd be all over. Thankfully, the police dept here in our small town is directly across the street. Landlord has a good R with them concerning policing the property and undesirable persons. Will be making LL aware of current law enforcement involvement tomorrow.

Needing the cash to get this done quickly
is leading to me listing both of my favorite collections on ebay while looking for at least a part time job. The jewelry will take a bit to get sorted and photoed, and researched.

The lingerie gets started listing now.

My family cannot help. Most extended family is in another nearby state and we are dealing with my mom's advanced colon cancer and chemotherapy, which I'm sure is tapping their available resource to the limit. I wouldn't even bring myself to ask.

Up until this time, he has never done anything to me where I would have grounds to have him arrested or removed, but this is getting creepier by the day.

I'll just do what I can, continue to control ME and let God handle H and everything else....

Prayers will be welcome! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

It's going to be over soon!

Requesting prayers to help me maintain my set boundaries!

Spent most of the day off and on negotiating with Landlord and H--asking him to move out, and releasing him from the rest of the lease on our apt.

Landlord was hesitant, but agreed to let H out of remaining time left on the lease. After I disclosed this weeks law enforcement visit....LL decided that potential legal hassles weren't worth the risk. Just the break I've been praying for!

I'm taking on the full obligation, on a wing and a prayer that I can pull this off financially.

I'm giving him what he says that he wants, but he sure seems pretty sad. The emotional ploys began within hours of final meeting w/ LL. He's appearing sad, offered to buy me dinner, wants to take me out this weekend....blah blah blah....

I'm getting off the rollercoaster and I think that he's liked keeping me emotionally off-kilter and hoping.....

We formally sign papers amending the lease, etc. next Friday, and H will be gone to his mom's by the end of the month.

Prayers that I remain strong and not let him suck me back down into his black hole of chaos between now and next Friday!! Prayers for herds of bidders on my auctions, and a job QUICKLY!!

So, I guess I belong on the Divorced/Divorcing board....

You nice, kind and incredibly wise folks on these boards have saved my life and sanity for the last 18 months or so....I'm so grateful that a place like this has been available during what has been one of the most difficult times in my life. A heartfelt THANK YOU to all!!