Why would a divorced woman with plenty of money answer a personal ad from a married man? He told me that she knew from the beginning that he was married, and I am pretty sure he was telling the truth about that. What motivation would she have? If she were looking for a LTR, she would have much better luck answering the many internet personals placed by divorced men. Why would she go out of her way to choose a married man? The only reason I can think of is revenge, against her ex-husband, or women in general or something. Are there other reasons I am overlooking?

Let's see, because she has no morals? Because she's a pig. Ooops sorry, guess that's not helping anything. Honestly, I think it is someone who either is VERY lonely, someone who wants their own "space" and know they will get it with a married person OR maybe they want to raise their own self esteem and see if they can "get" what belongs to someone else. I think all three apply to the OW in my life. It's disgusting and they can't possibly be thinking of what impact they are causing by what they are doing. When I was young and foolish I dated a man who I didn't know was married, when I found out I didn't stop dating him right away because of MY feelings. I didn't even consider hers. Of course I had heard all sorts of bad things about her. I did eventually break things off and I've actually seen them in a social setting (mutual friends). I feel soooooo guilty still and feel so horrible that I could've been that selfish. I wonder how he could've been that cruel to someone he supposedly loves. Now that its happened to me, I totally see how hurtful it is. I'm so thankful for her sake that she never had to find out. Its been a lot of years so obviously they are meant to stay together. More women should stop being selfish and really think about their actions. Guess this didn't really help you but these are just my thoughts from my own experiences as the betrayed and the OW...Yuck it makes me sick to think of myself as the OW.

I hate this answer but I can understand it. Again, I'm NOT stating my own opinion but hypothesizing about hers. I'll speak as-if I'm her.<P>Any man that takes out a personal ad is interested in a new relationship and is not committed to his existing one. Whether divorced, separated, or married, just the fact that he puts out the ad indicates that he is available. He may not have gotten around to telling his wife yet, but if he's shopping the net, any existing relationships are done for him. There is no way that any subsequent marital break-up can be pinned on me (OW) for answering the ad. <P>Another thought. We really don't know her purpose for looking for men this way. It may have been casual. I think most people that get involved in affairs don't expect them to be big relationships that destroy all in their path. It's supposed to be a fun thing - recreation, great sex, no responsibilities, etc. Might your husband's purpose have been casual?<P>Nellie, now that I'm facing potential singledom, I have no idea how to meet men. I would really like to have someone for good times without strings myself. I'd like to think that I wouldn't stoop to this method, but maybe after a year or two of no dates I might lower my sites a little (I'm getting sick as I type this). We don't know what your husband told her, but you can be sure it was quite a bit less than the complete truth. She could have been duped into this and then sucked in over her head.<P>Bottom line for me - I think very, very few people have evil intentions. If I had to bet, she's some lonely, wealthy, not-too-attractive, minimal social skills woman that's looking for companionship. Your husband probably gave her a line of bull about what a horrible marriage he has, how he worked his tail off, it's unfortunate but t's over. He found a way that would allow her to come into this without overwhelming guilt.<P>For me, your husband's behavior is far more interesting and reprehensible. Why on earth did he put out this ad without addressing your marital problems? His is NOT the accident that I so often see (and I believe is the case with my husband) where they get close to someone at the office and the situation escalates. He shopped for this. Nellie, might there be a track record of situations like this that never came to light? Another possibility - might he literally have been looking for a "Sugar Mommy" to bail him out of his financial problems? This financial motive seems HUGE in your story and it's really the one thing you can't change. Could this be it?<P>I wish I could do more than speculate. The whole thing is infuriating.

There are so many ads out there for divorced men, I just don't get why she would choose to answer one from a married one, when at the very least it would make things more complicated. She has been through a divorce only a few years ago, she has three kids, including two teenagers - why wouldn't she understand how hard this is on the kids, and why would she want to risk her kids finding out? I suspect she insisted that my H file for divorce before she would let him move in, although he went directly to her house to stay the night he moved out.<P>Not only did he not address marital problems, he denied there were any. There were many times during our marriage when I could tell something was bothering him. If I asked him about it, he would deny anything was wrong or blame it on fatigue or something. I have to wonder whether my nephew's murder in June pushed him over the edge. I think he was resentful and also may have been looking for some way to escape the deep depression he had fallen into. I was pretty depressed too, and I had been trying to come up with ways to alleviate it too - but I had been thinking more along the lines of finding a job or taking up a new hobby. I have spent many hours wondering why he placed such an ad. He claimed he was "looking for someone to talk to". Our first therapist said that she was sure I would agree that he wasn't someone who regularly "slept around" - I don't know why she was so sure, whether because of something he said or if she was just talking through her hat. I don't think he was intending to leave initially. He started seeing her in September or early October; in December he was still insisting that we limit our home search to near his office, but by January he was suddenly willing to look at homes much farther away, since by that time, from what he said after he left, he was apparently looking for something for me and the kids only to live in. He told the therapist that "sometime in the fall" he became suicidal at the thought of having to wake up next to me for the rest of his life. When he told me he wanted a divorce, he said he had been feeling that way for "weeks, maybe months". I think these and other things were signs that the affair had probably become more serious than he had expected. <P>I have wondered if he has done this before, but there was absolutely no physical evidence - I don't know when he would have had the time, because I never had difficulty reaching him, and he never had unaccounted for absences up until the affair.<P>He may be enjoying the lifestyle she can provide, but I think if he were looking for her to bail him out of all his financial problems, he wouldn't still be so worried about them. He has basically told me that he can't think of me without thinking of his financial problems - maybe he can forget them when he is with her. <P><BR>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited September 15, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by Nellie1 (edited September 15, 1999).]

I don't know, Nellie - but maybe she receives spousal support, and a lot of it - and if she got remarried she'd lose it - so decided to play with married man so she never had to be pressured to remarry and lose all that money??????<P>I guess what I am saying, is who knows? <P>Don't roll with the pigs. You just get dirty and the pigs love it....

hi nellie, i agree with whoever that was that your h's actions are reprehensible. Why would she answer? Hate may be a reason. A sick misplaced guilt over her own failes marriage? Who knows!! She may simply be a very sick injured person with no morals and no ethics in her life. A very mean unhappy nasty being? <BR>Whatever I feel very sorry for her kids. Honestly look at the mess they see all around them. YOur children have you for support and love, which you always give them. It shows in everyway Nellie. Your kids are very lucky to have you!!

I don't understand how she could live like that in front of her kids either, especially teenagers who are certainly old enough to understand what is going on. <P>I discovered last night that last summer my H paid for access to pornographic sites on the internet. I don't imagine that is where he found her, since there are plenty of personal ad sites you don't have to pay to access, but there seems to be a correlation between his episodes of depression and his seeking out pornography. <P>

Hi<BR>Perhaps she sought him out because married men are considered "safe" fun to play with with no chance for comittment, due to the fact that they are married and few will leave there families for o.w. this way they both have their bread buttered on both sides. maybe she did not want comittment just some no strings attatched sex/fun, <BR>Just geussing<BR>Jenny<P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole<P><BR>

nellie<P>Shouldn't you be asking and wondering why on earth your H, a married man, would place an ad like that? I think you are completely beating a dead horse by occupying your mind with why this woman did what she did. She is not your problem. Your H is your problem because he is the person you are married and you have children with.<P>If it weren't her, it'd have been another woman. Don't you see that? There are TONS of reasons women lack self esteem and enter into foolish relationships. Look at all the women's magazines for chrissakes! Look at all the tv talk shows! Lots of money is made based on women and men getting into bad, unhealthy, dead end relationships.<P>But, like I said, you need to be wondering about why your H did such a thing. He is the only person that you need to really get a handle on, if you are to remain married to him.<P>There's always another girl, but only if the man is open to it. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings, I didn't mean to. But I just see too much time looking into areas that aren't going to help the situation. Take care.

lark,<P>I think I can guess why my H might have placed the ad, not that it is justified. He was severely depressed, he blamed himself (and by projection me) for our financial problems, and he was angry because he thought I didn't respect him, and he is the only one who is allowed to be disrespectful of others. I know he felt hopeless, like our financial situation and life in general had nowhere to go but down. He told me shortly after he left that he had messed up his life so badly it could never be fixed.<P>If it had not been her, I don't know if there would have been another woman. There are not an unlimited number of women within commuting distance who would meet all his requirements - nonsmoking, tall, ok with his fairly unusual religious beliefs, and interested in a overweight married man who had six children, and was deeply in debt.

nellie,<P>There is always another girl, trust me. Didn't you read that comical thread by the betrayers where they listed all the negative stuff about their OP's? It was hilarious. What a bunch of losers. So fat, skinny, hairy, bald, whatever, there is always another girl (or guy). And just like you say your H was "severely depressed, blaming himself," maybe that's the state of mind the OW was in too. And that answer is no more a justification for having an affair for the OW than it is for your H.<P>They are/were TWO very lost people who happened to hook up. What's so hard to understand about that? The important thing is, for you to figure out why your H placed the ad. If your H doesn't place the ad, no one can answer, thus, no affair. That's the forumula that must be figured out. That's the one that's going to really make a difference in your life.

Figuring out why he placed the ad is not the hard part. I thought if I could gain some insight into her motivation, maybe I could have a greater insight into where the affair might be headed. Unfortunately, she seems anxious for commitment - I am sure she insisted he file for divorce When he first left he seemed less depressed for awhile, more like the H I used to know, but I haven't seen more than a glimpse of that H since he filed for divorce.<P>Even if I knew for certain why he did that it would make absolutely no difference in my life. In his current state I can not meet any of his "needs" - he no longer cares about me or the kids. We are almost completely irrelevant, just like he has always been to his father. No normal parent would leave his or her kids. PERIOD. It should not have mattered how he felt about me. He claimed to love 6 out of seven of the other people in his family, yet he was willing to give up all of them so he could be with the OW. <P>Distressed,<P>Maybe most people do not have evil intent, but I do not believe that most people care what effect their actions have on other people. After all, we all have a "right to happiness", don't we, no matter how miserable it makes anyone else. <P><BR>

nellie,<P>I agree with you. No "normal" or compassionate person would do the things your H is doing. Which makes me really wonder why you even want him back in the first place. I know this is marriage builders and we are all here to save marriages, but, should all marriages be saved? Maybe sometimes it is better to let a person such as this go.<P>One question I do have for you is, looking back on your life, did you see any hints that he was capable of such terrible behavior? Or did all this just hit you out of the blue?<P>I'm really sorry for all you are going through.

Maybe I don't want to "let a person such as this" go because this is not my H - this is some stranger inhabiting my H's body. He has always been a conflict avoider, often irritable, and he has purchased pornography occasionally, but there have never been any hints that he was capable of having an affair. Until shortly before the affair, his family was always the most important thing in his life. Last fall, when he didn't come home until 1:30 one morning when I expected him home several hours earlier, I went out looking for his car because I was sure he must have had an accident or breakdown. He had never done anything similar in the 24 years we had been together. He always let me know where he was, he rarely forgot to call if he was going to be late, and he was always where I expected him to be. I have never seen him flirt with or touch another woman. He was horrified when a friend of ours left his wife for an OW. For that matter, he was scornful when he heard recently, after he left, that a relative of ours was expecting a child by an OM when she is still married, though she was separated at conception. It is as if his moral code is intact, except that it just doesn't apply to his behavior.<P>I have racked my brains over the last 6 months for signs that I might have missed. The only possible hint I could come up with was that a couple of years ago he didn't seem as horrified or suspicious as I would have expected him to be when a co-worker remarried only six months after his divorce - at the time I assumed he didn't think it was any of our business, which it wasn't, I guess, especially since he barely knew the guy. I don't know anything about that guy's situation, but now I wonder if seeing this co-worker's example made my H envious.

Nellie, I think the best answer you came up with is someone else is inhabiting your husband's body.