There has been much discussion over the years here on the topic of revealing affairs to the light of day including if, to whom, when, and to what extent.

I don't think you and I have a significant differing view on this. Most advice given here to reveal soon and to many comes with the safe bet that as soon as the WS is confronted by the BS, that denial occurs in the vast majority of the cases. Further confrontation by the BS will be futile and amount to nothing but love busters. So, if LBs are going to occur, may as well make the most of them to motivate an end to the affair. Removing the secrecy is a powerful antidote in many cases.

Your argument to hope the WS responds to the BS's appeals upon discovery and to NOT reveal the affair to protect the WS from unnecessary scrutiny and embarassment to allow an easier transition to recovery is a no brainer. Don't we wish that was the usual outcome? Sadly it's not, and revealing the affair outside of the marriage is necessary in almost all cases discussed here.

Please see the link in my sig line below and the several embedded links related to various forms of affair exposure. Please contribute your views.

WAT,
Thanks for opening this up. I don't have alot of time now to express my view fully enough right now, but I think it is worth exploring. My approach to this point has worked. I gave it a full 6 months with the idea to protect my family from unnecessary pain. Trust me, I endured alot. There were many times I was tempted to tell others, but my motives were selfish. So I kept it to myself. I can say that it has worked. I read about this approach from Dr Ed Wheat. By God's grace I endured and the seeds of trust I have sown are starting to sprout. Also, Dr Wheat and Dr Harley tell us that we contributed to the A. An honest assessment about myself has produced a humble attitude. My thoughts were through a consistant loving behavior, I could win back my W without coersion. Also, I wanted to minimize the emotional damage my W would endure as well as keep my children from the pain it would bring to them. Again, with God's help and grace I endured. With the help of people here who have even endured more than me, I saw the reality of an A. I gotta go now. I will be back.

Christ's Love,
Roman121

Roman - I understand a bit more now your rationale for your viewpoint - because it's what worked for you. Naturally you would relate this experience and recommend it to others.

Congrats on finding the correct, narrow path in your case.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There were many times I was tempted to tell others, but my motives were selfish. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmm. I find that hard to believe. I'll bet your motive was always to motivate an end to the affair and restore your marriage for all concerned. That's not selfish to me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My thoughts were through a consistant loving behavior, I could win back my W without coersion.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Herein lies the root of our subtle disagreement.

The effective ingredient of affair exposure is not coercion, intimidation, extortion, or any other forcing function directed at the WS.

It's removal of secrecy.

Affairs - at least initially - rely on secrecy and very, very often, removal of secrecy is all that's needed for the affairees to stop. Exposure accomplishes this. Granted, colateral damage could occur that could appear to be the intended outcome of "malicious" exposure. But if handled properly and with graduated restraint, and paired with good Plan A activities, exposure is the closest thing available to a universal antidote.

This doesn't mean that exposure is ALWAYS necessary, as your case demonstrates. Be thankful your wife's brains weren't scrambled too much on the Mothership. Add to this the fact that many affairs come and go without the BS even knowing. What causes them to end? Usually, it's an end of the thrill or - get this! - a risk of exposure!!

So, I welcome your contribution to the posts referred to earlier. And I'll bet you'll read about cases here that differ from yours where the WS is SO irrational and SO "intoxicated" on the love drug, that "a consistant loving behavior" is simply not enough.

WAT

Wat, I hope you still remember me. I got a lot of help by reading your sig link.

But here I am still no where better than it was at the beginning. Well, I could say that I meself is stronger and Anti-D is working. But my WH behaves the same, no matter how many times I confronted him with proofs. He just denies. I expose it to his parents, his cosin, my sister, his friends(a couple). His cosin talked to him about it, he neither denied nor admitted. His parents even could not reach him(they are in different states), or when they talked, he would just give the phone to the children. He is hiffing his own head under the sand with his butt out. He still thinks nobody sees him. What do I do?

lostnhurt - I don't have a specific recommendation for you that differs from basic MB strategy. Just as exposure is not always necessary, it doesn't always work - my case illustrates that!

You may need to eventually take legal action to force a separation so you can Plan B. This will also cause him to face more consequences. For this, I believe, you will need only good evidence and the will to do it.

WAT