Because I am so confused.

I had a detailed conversation this past weekend with WH (aka BFL, big fat loser). Plan B debacle

I have no idea what I want anymore.

Do I stay and fight for WH (in the hopes he someday breaks off A, leaves his "alien" captors, and becomes my H again)?

Do I just file for DV (I saw atty this week, and I could stand to get really SCREWED in this if he chose to be vindictive)? Is it risky to do PBL before I have filed for DV (in the case he gets mad and tries to "stick it to me")?

My MIL is giving me major grief over Plan B. When I do back off, she starts REALLY laying into me about not communicating with him often and openly (for the kids benefit...they need this, they need their dad to be informed and engaged...my comment to that is, then, WH needs to take some initiative, something he has never done, and get involved). She lives with me, which is a whole oher story...so could she be right (especially since my kids are hurting and it is BFL's fault, and he is not really make all that big an effort, so it takes some prodding on my behalf to keep him informed)?

He is pursuing me quite a bit right now (calls, sent me a letter about S's grades dropping from A's and B's to D's and F's, and how he would be happy to tutor him...too bad S is failing not because he needs help comprehending the material with the aide of a knowledgeable tutor, but because he needs help dealing with all the hurt his BFL dad is inflicting on our family right now).

Am I wrong in feeling like I don't want this relationship anymore? I mean, how many of us have really looked inside of ourselves, done the hard work of really, really INVESTIGATING our soul's ... what baggage we have been carrying around, what parts we played in our broken marriage, identified unhealthy patterns, took responsibility for our weaknesses, did the slow and painful work of growing and changing, only to realize that maybe WH isn't all that great a catch in the first place? I mean, if I ever divorce and have to enter the dating scene again, I will have more stringent guidelines for an acceptable companion, and what I will tolerate and what I will not tolerate...and there are plenty of things about WH, BEFORE HE EVEN HAD THE A, that would prevent him from even making the list for me now!

I mean, we teach people how we want to be treated. And this is unacceptable. So, am I holding on because it is the right thing to do, or am I holding on because in a way I am betraying myself and denying myself the fair, loving, dignified treatment that I deserve? Am I too afraid of change, that I am willing to compromise myself, the treatment I deserve, etc?

Or am I just using my hurt and anger to justify a DV?

Is fog contagious? I mean, our WS's can give us STDs...emotional dis-ease, and a host of other things from the A...did he give me fogitis.

I am so confused.

I am right with you. Have been in Plan B for about 6 months. There are a lot of things that I don't miss about WH. In fact I am happier without him. I did too much in marriage, and he did nothing. Now I don't want him back.

If it is 'fogitis'...

er...

How do you tell? How do you know?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My MIL is giving me major grief over Plan B. When I do back off, she starts REALLY laying into me about not communicating with him often and openly (for the kids benefit...they need this, they need their dad to be informed and engaged...my comment to that is, then, WH needs to take some initiative, something he has never done, and get involved). She lives with me, which is a whole oher story...so could she be right (especially since my kids are hurting and it is BFL's fault, and he is not really make all that big an effort, so it takes some prodding on my behalf to keep him informed)? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your MIL is absolutely correct - and if it was a man with a WW I'd say the same thing.
Plan B is you and him - not the children and you absolutely do not have the right to keep him from them. Simple reason and it has not a thing to do with you and BFL - it has to do with the kids and it is NOT good for them if he's a good dad.

...and yeah, I understand the 'good dad would be faithful to mom' argument but as long as he is not trying to involve kids with OW (in which case release your inner b!tch and fight that hard) but PLEASE think this one over. Whether you and he divorce or reconcile the BEST thing for your kids is two involved and engaged parents who treat eachother with respect and civility.

How do I feel about my cheating XW??? If i had a week to live I'd go back to her - after day 3 I'd be asking the doc to speed things up. BUT - she is my daughter's mother and I absolutely insist that my daughter respect her and NEVER run her into the ground even when my daughter asks why we divorced.

Kids are easy to ruin - just call their mom/dad a BFL and let them overhear it a few times - they'll make some therapist wealthy in the future for sure.

Not trying to be harsh - B/D - your call but the kids belong to NEITHER of you - you both belong to them. If he wants to tutor his son then absolutely let him - what could make him want to come home more than seeing that his children are suffering from his actions?

Sorry to rant - Hope what I am saying makes sense to you. Kids need both parents - growing up is tough enough with two parents.

ChristyV, I think the fog is contagious. Although I haven't had to go to Plan B, Hs comments have infiltrated my brain at times, such as rewriting history. There are times that I think, maybe our whole marriage did suck. There are times I wonder if OW is better suited for him, as apposed to my usual thoughts, which are he'd be a miserable man one day with her. I used to feel very clear about this whole thing, but now I am definitely fogging out. Unfortunately, referring to WAT's post, I'm not getting the dopomine high from an A. Darn!

2 of a kind: EASY TIGER!!!! I come here to vent and share what my soul is feeling about all of this. But in the presence of my MIL, FIL (who BOTH live with me while WH DOESN'T)., children, even WH, I am nothing but unconditionally respectful, and WAY more flexible than most people I know could ever be (I have never "Gone off" to WH about the A, about him, about the ow, about him leaving, any of it... I have always maintained that I thought it was wrong, thought it was hurting us all, including WH, and wanted him back, but would move on if I needed to). So if I am referring to my WH as a BLF, it is in humor and an attempt to vent some of the pent up frustrations and pain I am now feeling, not because I ever, ever, ever say it in front of anyone else....so please allow me this luxury!

Plus, when I would think of executing Plan B, it would be for me to be silent from WH, NOT MAKE MY CHILDREN BE SILENT. They call him each and every night (and I have often been the one encouraging them, especially my hurting S, to call his Dad and honestly communicate what he is feeling, etc.). Sorry if I am responding too strongly to your comments, but I am well aware of the damage that this whole scene does to the most helpless victims, the children, and no matter how I feel about my WH currently or in the future, I would never, ever, ever jeapodize a relationship he has or could have with our children. I agree that they do need us both. I understand this, and at the same time, am helpless to impact the situation at all except by being strong, kind, available and compassionate to my children...and blasting their father would be the wrong approach.

So I guess what I am asking, is, in your opinion, you do not agree with Plan B if the BS has children? Are you saying that it hurts the children to see one of the BS pulling back somewhat from the WS?

Any other experts care to weigh in on this?

I wonder, which is more harmful to the children, a NON-vengeful Plan B, or a NON-vengeful divorce? I am at a place where I feel like these are my only two options at this point.

Your signature line says;
3/04- WH moved out and I started Plan B
Are you in Plan B? Did you send a Plan B letter?

Is it risky to do PBL before I have filed for DV (in the case he gets mad and tries to "stick it to me")?
Plan B is for when you DON’T want a divorce.

He is pursuing me quite a bit right now
If you are in Plan B, you should not be reading anything from him. NO CONTACT!

am I holding on because it is the right thing to do, or am I holding on because in a way I am betraying myself and denying myself the fair, loving, dignified treatment that I deserve?
This doesn’t make sense. The second part is a result of holding on, it’s not one of the reason to hold on.

Or am I just using my hurt and anger to justify a DV?
You haven’t filed for divorce. If/when you file, it should be when your emotions are not controlling your actions.

So I guess what I am asking, is, in your opinion, you do not agree with Plan B if the BS has children? Are you saying that it hurts the children to see one of the BS pulling back somewhat from the WS?
Any other experts care to weigh in on this?
Plan B is very okay to do with children. Make sure you explain what it is you are doing and why.

I wonder, which is more harmful to the children, a NON-vengeful Plan B, or a NON-vengeful divorce? I am at a place where I feel like these are my only two options at this point.
Both can be accomplished with no problem.
If you do a non-vengeful Plan Band do not reconcile, then you do a non-vengeful divorce because your Plan B helped you to detach and not want vengeance.

<small>[ March 19, 2004, 03:05 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Chris,

Thanks. I appreciate your advice. I think I will make plans to speak with Dr. Harley as well, next week.

:-)