Hi JustinExplorer,

I wanted to write back to you and wasn't sure if you'd go back to that old thread I unearthed. You said the following.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This comment hits on one of the nastiest things about my WW's Affair. I find that I no longer trust my own judgement in regards to her and I fear in regard to women in general.

How can I move on if I can't see that a woman is a lieing cheat? It would seem that just about any woman could fool me. I can't trust myself to make a good call.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can tell you that I felt this way too. I want to write you a long story that you can feel perfectly free to comment on at will. Perhaps it will help you to decide that you don't need to judge everyone else by the actions of people involved in an A!

My H has had an A with a formerly close friend of mine that has lasted somewhere between 1.5-5 years and still continues (painfully) 9 months after d-day. The EA and her enabling of his "dark side" goes back a long long way.

She would tell me one thing and him another. This does not absolve him of his responsibility but it sure devastated me when I realized what was really happening. How could I have been such a fool???

And this realization happened over a long period of time for me. First I realized that she was "after" him. No one including me ever thought she had a chance and I just ignored it.

Then after reading about affairs, I realized that he was involved in an EA with her. Then I finally realized it had to be a PA as well. That was when I exposed the A and he ended it.

In our false recovery period I incredulously learned the PA had gone on for over a year, but because of the reading I'd been doing, I assumed the EA must have gone on for some time prior to that.

Only recently with his relapse into the A did the final penny drop, and at last I put together all the pieces and came up with a likely timetable.

Our M has degenerated into a bad M over the past few years. He and I had been having M difficulty as long as she had been in the picture. You see, he was involved with another woman the whole time! And she definitely did not have my best interests or those of our M at heart. She was actively working to destroy our M, and sowed a heck of a lot of seeds of discontent in his heart.

Tell me something Justin: why on earth would this be my fault? He lied, he cheated, she lied, she manipulated. They are both of them at heart, selfish people with low self-esteem. (I'd like to think my H can be different again as this is not how I would have described him years ago.)

Why on earth should I consider myself the one at fault here? Sure -- I could have handled conflict with my H better than I did. I've rectified that now. Sure -- I could have realized that his behaviour was hiding a secret relationship but then again, they both went to very great lengths, consciously and unconsciously, to keep this information from me.

For example, on several occasions while the PA was happening, he made fun of how fat she was and always said (and acted) as if he didn't care whether or not she was included in things. In the past couple of years, she told me how unattractive he was and encouraged me to do things without him, essentially to move on without him in my life.

The spotlight should shine brightest on them, what their actions say about them, not what their actions say about me. Do you agree?

I've learned that you should never trust any intimate connection between your S and someone else, that you should look closely at the advice given to you by "friends" because they may well have their own agenda for urging you to do something in your "best interests", and that a beloved S may indeed lie to you without you consciously knowing it.

So you see Justin, I understand why you don't trust your wife. But I don't agree that you should allow this realization to reinforce the idea that there is anything "wrong" with you.

I suspect you'll find that you've learned, or will learn, something along the way that helps you regain your trust in yourself.

As a different example, I've learned how wonderfully generous, kind and giving people can be. Here at MB is a good example.

You can trust that your good judgement led you here and that you are learning from the information total strangers are giving you. If you can trust someone you've never met, then don't you think you can trust people you get to know in future too?

Sadly, one day you may once again be hurt by someone you trust. But at that point I suspect you'll have developed enough faith in yourself (as I have) to know that this says much more about them than it does about you.

My H is lying to me again now yet I don't see this as my problem in any way. I've learned to see it from this perspective. How I handle it, respond to it, that's my choice, my dilemma, where I am still learning.

Justin: I hope I have said something in this long ramble that helps you. I couldn't resist responding because I felt the same way you do now but I have moved on, which is what you were wondering if you can do.

I am comfortable with the trust issue now. Yet my betrayal was very deep, and by 2 people not just one.

I think you'll make it too. All my best to you. Please be kind to yourself.

Merge