I am so emotionally drained...All I do is sit here and wait for WH to call me or come by the house. I am a prisoner in my own home. If I leave I forward my calls to my cell phone. I find myself just sitting on the sofa at times waiting for the garage door to open. Everytime I hear a car, I jump up to see if it is him. I cant live this way.

WH did not call me all day yesterday. I knew he had to be with her. he turns to her now for his comfort and to tell her all the news in his day. I wanted him so badly to call, but I didn't cal him.

The producers of the DR Phil show called him and try to convince him the reasons he should come on the show. Dr Phil is very interesting in our story and says "what is so different about this marriage than any other marriage" (except the A part) Dr Phil just dones't understand why WH wants to give it all up...Dr Phil sees nothing wrong with the marraige. Oh yea, WH says he "never loved me" HAHA. what a joke.

I finally called WH this monring and asked him to reconsider the show. He says he just doesn't feel it is right. He was very distant and cold to me this morning. I asked him why he didnt' call me yesterday and he said "I dont know, I just escaped". I told him a major LBer I know, but I said "I never thought yuo were such acold person to just walk away from your kids like this"..he said he wasn't walking away....he hasn't seen or called them all week. he choses her over me and them.

the only thing that helps right now, beside the drugs, is the songs I have downloaded and I keep listening to the CD over and over again. I pray that he will come out of this so called "fog", but he is so wound up in HER. God this hurts...It hurts so badly! I know that Dr Phil can MAKE Him see the light.

I still have my appt set up on Tuesday with Dr Harley. I will be doing alone. I ahven't even told WH cuz right now he seems more distant than ever. He said he was going to come by today, only after I cried on the phone, and I told him NO..I do not want him to come by out of pity. He only comes by when he wants to. He has to FEEL the pain of being alone. Of not seeing his own kids, his wife. That is the way it will be.

My emotions change from day to day too. One day I am so strong and the next I am so weak. I dont feel I can even take another step. Thanks for hearing me and helping me thru this.

<small>[ March 19, 2004, 10:36 AM: Message edited by: momto3boys ]</small>

I am so sorry you are going through all of this! I have, too, and it sucks. I have heard the distance, the detachment, as well.

Realize that this is about HIM right now, not you. You are the same great person you were before he was abducted by aliens.

You can remove yourself from his chaos. Be the calm in the storm. Do not let his actions touch you. He cannot hurt you unless you allow it.

Mind over matter. Get to the bookstore and buy some books. Go to the library and check some out.

Take this time to learn.

Your feelings will fluctuate for a while. It sucks, but it is normal.

I am in week 10 since D-day, and I am so much better than at week 1 or 2 or 3 or 4. So, have hope. It doesn't last forever, just feels that way.

Keep your chin up and keep posting! Let it all out, girlfriend! We are here for you.

SS

Dr. Phil can NOT let your H "see the light". It's not possible. But you know what? The reason that your H refuses to budge and go on the show, is BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING IS WRONG!!!!

As enraptured by the fog as he is, he still has moments of clear thinking. However, that hurts too much for him. He can't bear to deal with the pain of it. He finds it easier to get back into his "happy place" (yes, fantasyland), where he doesn't have to deal with the REAL life issues. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

The typical nature of WS's is SO OBVIOUS!!! UGH! It gets an even score from me, between funny and annoying (depending on my mood for the day).

Judging by this post alone.. you are NOT doing the part of plan A that is about YOU. You need to do things for YOU. Sitting around waiting for him to call, and him KNOWING that is what you're doing... that is not at all appealling to him. You need to find a way to create some mystery about yourself towards your H. Stop giving him information unless he comes right out and ASKS for it, for example (such as daily reports on the kids).

What have you done for YOU this past week? Or even so far today?

Some of the things that can really work wonders are:
manicure/pedicure
bubble bath
painting
moving furniture around
shaving your WHOLE legs! (sounds silly.. but it's great! LOL)
put on some makeup
wear that perfume you've been saving
get a new hairstyle
dye your hair
etc.

There are lots more to choose from, of course. That is only a very small number of things you could do for YOU.

I have been where you are, and wanted so desperately to knock some sense into my WH... but that made my plan Aing all the more difficult, and pushed him further away.

What are your thoughts on things to do for you?

Karen

Sitting around waiting for him to call...begging and pleading for him to come see you then saying 'no'? Stop, stop, stop!!! he is NOT in charge of your happiness. He is not the driver, he is not even in the same car right now.

Have you read much about divorce 180's? I have heard some great things about these techniques. Basically it is going on with your life. Your H doesn't need to change his behavior, why should he? He has two women BEGGING for his attention, what an ego boost!!! Why would he need to give you any more attention, he is getting what he needs form you now. It's like he's spinning two plates at once, and babe, you are spinning on your own.

Well, it's time for you to take your plate and go home.

Take a trip this weekend...just pack up the bags and got take a trip...visit friends or family, cry on someone shoulders...do NOT call him. Feel yourself waiting for a phone call or getting trapped in the house? Then leave!! SS has some GREAT ideas! Time to treat the kids to movies, parks, picnics, anything you would have to turn your cell phone off for a few hours.

You are addicted to your H, and like an addiction you have to say to yourself you are going to make it for the next few minutes without him, then the next hour, then the next day...life is just made up of moments...do what you can to get through them.

Is it time for Plan B? Have you considered Plan A or Plan B?

Am I pathetic or what <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> You guys are all right. No, I am not ready for Plan B! I only just found out about the affair almost 3 weeks ago. I was doing VERY well in Plan A until he stopped coming by and stopped calling everyday. Now it is hard to keep my composure and my LBing in. I try, Lord knows I try to do the best Plan A I can, but it is so hard when I dont see him. he was angry this morning when I spoke to him. he was distant and he hasn't been that way before. he is confused, I know this. I can see this. But he is only huring himself and us by continuing this. he doesn't know that I sit an dwait for him. I haven't told him that. he doesn't ever ask about the kids and I haven't been offering him info on them either.

For myself, well today I am geting my hair highlighted...is that good enough <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Highlights great start , and while walking around open your eyes to the men on the street watch how many look as you walk on by . REALLY not kidding it makes you feel great , I know I am not saying go looking for a man but watching them look at you is a great selfesteem booster. LOL

Other thing is watch those convos , do not fuel him it gives him more things to talk about with OW .

MY H's OW women would get so crazy when he use to come hime to her and she would ask so what did your "B" wife say today . He would say nothing SHE didn't speek to me at all . She would question him and annoy him all night thinking he was lieing and he would be in a pissy mood with HER .

I saw and found out if I use to start with him or call him and we fought or I bothered him in anyway she would use that to her advantage . THE OH YOU POUR BABY THING LET ME COMFORT YOU. PUKE!

So even though you are not in a full planB he is still out the house use this as the same oppertunity .

Hope the hair looks wonderful and do not get upset if he comes by and says nothing , it will hold back the first couple of times he notices changes .

Mom,

It's been almost 5 months since or D-day. I agree with the others. I have done a lousy job at any plan, and may have extended this stupidity to eternity, but....

Even though I still feel the ache and the pain and ask when will it ever end, and feel like it's no better, I know it must be. For the first month after I found out, food would not go down my throat. I could barely drag myself out of bed. I called in sick twice to work--something I NEVER do. I could not function, didn't want to shower (though I did), didn't care how I looked or anything.

Like I said, even though I still feel lousy and keep saying to myself "I can't do this any longer", somehow I AM doing it and I've gotten better even if I don't feel like it.

I am showering, I have bought several new items of clothing (partly because I had to because of my weight loss), I'm getting my nails done every two weeks now, I have some very trendy new glasses on order, I am eating (and am actually starting to very slowly gain back a little of my weight--a good thing for me), I am going to work, and I even laugh on occasion.

I'm scared to death of what the future holds, and I pray daily for strength. But I am still alive. You will live, too. Hang in there.

LL

MOM, I know exactly how you feel and I was where you were. All MB friends gave me the encouragement and advice as yours. I felt like the world was over, I was dying. Like you, I concentrate on the noise to hear the garage door sound, especially at night, how many times it was neighbours. With all those sleepless nights. But I went through it. Thanks to all my MB friends, and anti-D.

It doesn't mean he is not going out anymore, he stopped the A, he doesn't stay overnight. He didn't change a bit, he even didn't admit his A. But I changed. He even noticed that. He said I am stronger, happier. He stayed home a little bit more, we had conversation. Now I can eat, I can sleep over night without noticing he disappear. I still care about him, love him. But I won't let his BEHAVIOR to bother me. There is no use to wait for him to call. I don't call him either, now he found excuses to call me. Mom, go out enjoy your life. But new clothes, see movies, or rent DVD's, go out for dinner with your boys. I know it is not the same as when your H around, so what, he missed it, you pity him.

It is your choice to be happy, to not to let it hurt you. Chin up and stay here. We are all here with you. Love and hug.

THank you so much...All of you! Today has been a particularly hard day as I have gone 3 days now without seeing my DWH...I haven't eaten today and I had finally started to eat at least one meal a day this week.

I hair looks great! I am also toying with the idea of going on DR Phil alone, without DWH. That would mean my story against his. I am not sure what ya'll think of that, all my friends here support that idea, but i dont know if I would like "oh, poor BS, pity her"...what do you all think of that?

(wolf whistle) Hey mom.... great hair-do (wink!)

Seriously, though... I'd try to catch WH in a fog free moment, and give him a heartfelt "invitation" filled with love to join you on the show. Might not hurt for you to just lay quietly next to him in bed for a while, think of your pain, allow yourself to sob a bit, and let your pain GO. I mean, just let it go! Make him feel some of your pain.

WH would have to have a heart of stone not to comfort you at that time. And while the fog clears a bit, at the right moment, ask him to join you on the show!

I did a "calculated" breakdown (which I needed anyway) on my WW, and it showed her some of my pain that she had not yet realized. It turned out to be an important step in the multiple stages of recovery.

All's fair in love and war... right? (within MB guidelines)

:::ducking anticipated 2'x4's::::

SD

<small>[ March 19, 2004, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

SD, I cant tell you how many times I have sobbed in front of him and he has comforted me EVERY SINGLE time! He cant stand to see me "like that" which is one reason why he has "escaped". I am going to try to be strong from now on. Make him WANT to come home.

As far as the show goes. WH was supposed to go on with me. But he has now backed out. I have asked him to reconsider, but he wont. So my next move it to go on alone. But I do not know if that is such a good idea.

WH mom just called me from NY. I told her all about A. She is shocked, but is going to call WH tomorrow.

momto3boys, I can feel your pain. As I think you know I had a major grief reaction to hearing from H about the sex that lasted a day and a half. Venting here, and talking to some friends, picked me up. You are in a tough spot. I'm not an expert on the plans, but it almost seems like you are somewhere between A and B because he's never home. How hard for you with your children.

Can I personally smack the crap out of your H? I'll do it on your behalf so as not to empty his little love bank. This journey through an A is one heck of a ride. As someone said on here, hold on tight. And remember we are all here to listen and understand. A big bear hug! CV

CV, YES, come on over and smack the crap out of him. I had awful dreams about THEM last night. They were so real. One was which H told me OW was pregnant! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

He has not called me in two days. Has not even asked about his children. that saddens me so much. How can somone be so selfish as to not even ask about their own children or come by to see them. choos OW over their own children.

I printed out truehearts letter yetserday and put it in our mailbox waiting for him to pick it up. He hadn't picked up the mail as of 10:00 last night. The box is getting quite full. Should I just put it all in a bag and take it to him youthink?

Mom-
I have called Dr. Harley on his radio show perhaps 20 times since D-day May 4, 2002. He convinced me that "the ball is in his court." When I put the ball in my husband's court, basically by telling him we can go through MB or not, he chose to go through MB. Admittedly, it's been rough. In addition the the A, he was physically abusive, including breaking my arm when I threatened to call this woman 4 months before D-day, but what I could do was:
1. Decide I would not tolerate a bad marriage -- meaning infidelity, neglect, and abuse
2. Let my H know that I was willing to go through a program of recovery
3. Be completely prepared for D if he chose to stall or not go through the program

Separating out what I could do from what I needed to realize was up to my H really helped me.

He blamed me for the physical abuse and the A. The first step to recovery for him has been to realize that those were his choices. A friend of mine told me early on something that I came to realize as true: "Don't run interference for his conscience."

You'll calm down if you put the ball in his court, take care of your children, and prepare for a probable Plan B. I stayed in Plan A way too long and when I presented a choice, a specific plan of recovery, he chose MB.

I hope this helps.

momto3boys, my heart goes out to you. I'm sitting at this computer, drinking a glass of wine, feeling your pain. I just told H he's turning me into a lush. He got into the wine thing, and now I'm enjoying it. Crap, what these WSs put us through.

Hang in there Hon! I'm the master venter on this site. Just keep writing. Somehow we all have to believe that walking with honesty and integrity will bring its reward to us one day. With or without the lying cheating aliens that entered our Hs bodies. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you with your H neglecting his children. I will pray that his heart starts opening up. You take care! CV