Hi Jante,
It's nice to hear from you - as always ( and you too Mel, even if your helmet hair pictures are suspect.)
This is a new issue for me as a now dved mum.
I know I can be an overprotective mum at times so I'd like a voice of sanity before I do or say something which I may later regret.
I have been thinking about it since I first read your post a few days ago. It would probably be good for you to formulate the rules by which you will interact with X and X's GF for future events. You can make a friend of her, or you can make an enemy.
T has not been much help to you in many ways, but he seems to still give a little help with the boys when you take time to explain your feeling to him. The big problem is that he is not dependable - sometimes he helps, sometimes he seems to make things worse.
My sons are going to Corfu with their Dad, his new girlfriend, and her 2 children of 5 and 7. When I was told about it my ex mentioned that on Corfu 15 yr olds are allowed to ride scooters. He added he hadn't told our eldest yet, and it had been my intention to discuss it with my ex and express my concerns.
Is there really any way you can control what he does when he has the boys?
What I mean is, if he lets them loose to do anything he wants them to do, do you have any way to change that at all? Sometimes he may listen and respond to your requests, but If I understand things correctly, he can pretty much do anything he wants as long as he does not endanger their lives. (and some may say scooters are just that!)
However there hasn't been the opportunity and today I 've been told that his girlfriend has already told the boys that teenagers are allowed to ride scooters in Greece.
I suspect you are correct when you say further down that she was just trying to sell the trip. Often we have different backgrounds and something that is a concern to me may not be a concern to you. (Or the other way arround.)
Perhaps she didn't even think at all that you would have trouble with the scooter laws in Greece and so didn't think to consult you about it. Personally, I have owned various motorcycles from the time I was 17 years old until about 4 years ago (about 27 years, and you can do the math if you want -) I practiced riding from the time I was about 12 years old, so If someone had mentioned it to me as a possibility on a trip to Corfu I would have probably been happy that people somewhere were nice to 15 year olds and permitted them to have some a little fun.
I have two concerns about this
1. The worry about a 15 yr old being let free in a strange country on a motorised vehicle for the first time.
You have valid concerns - but unless you have a way to get xH to respond to your thoughts and feelings better, you may just have to let him use his (admittly sometimes bad) judgement when the boys are with him and hope he doesn't kill them.
OK, I am half teasing - but think about it - perhaps it is best to create an attitude of trust so if something really big comes up you can say: "normally I have trusted your judgement, but this time I have serious concerns.........."
2. Secondly that this girlfriend of my exes mentioned it to him with out any communication with me first.
I am sure she feels that when they are with you, you are in charge, and when they are with T, he is in charge. I can't think of any reason for her to have any reason to doubt his judgement or for her to check with you. Thinking about it from an outsiders point of view, she probably figures you two have worked all that out between you and that there was no reason for her to check with you.
I wouldn't think she was doing it with malice - or trying to get around your authority.
However I do feel I should have been consulted and my opinion sought- he is my son. Now if I insist he isn't allowed I seem to be the big bad mum!!
As mentioned, he is T's son also, and GF would probably have no reason to question his judgement if he said it was OK for DS to ride the scooter. Now, she probably asked him, or said it with him in the room - but knowing XH, he would probably not admit that to you - right?
Am I over reacting in this situation.
Well, you are right to be concerned about your sons, and fathers often see things differently than mothers so you worry. What would you like things to be like in the future? Could you talk to GF and enlist her support for future outings?
It may sound like a hard thing, but she was not the one in the middle of the marriage breakup and is probably inocent of all of the past troubles.
I suggest you make friends with her for your boys sake - you could be making a very strong ally for the future.
As far as the scooter problem - if you can trust H to look over the situation and exercise good judgement on the trip, then don't worry about it. If you cannot, then I am not sure how you get him to accept your suggestions for events you are not able to attend in person.
The short version is that you may want to spend time up front cultivating a good relationship with GF and then sharing your concerns after you have her trust.
He could get hurt riding a scooter, but you go sailing and you could be struck by lightning, but the probablility is small, so you go anyway.
I recommend you look at your options and choose the best one for long term success when the boys are out of your control.
Does that help?
Oh, and if you want them to learn to ride without traffic, send them over here, and I will give them lessons - I would even make them wear a helmet !
SS
<small>[ March 23, 2004, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>
