I got home from dropping my youngest D off at friends house and WW was leaving the driveway. I went inside to find the divorce paperwork. The settlement is fine, a couple of things need to be changed, but overall I come out ahead. Except, I really don't want a DV. I called her and asked if this was really what she wanted. She said it was. I asked if she really didn't love me anymore and she said she didn't, but that she cared about me. She wrote a short note attached to the paperwork and it said some things that bothered me, she said our Ds wanted to live with her if they were given the choice and that she was no longer with OM. So, I asked my oldest D if this was true. She said she wanted to stay with both of us, sometimes with mom and sometimes with me. She said she doesn't want to choose. I haven't talked to the youngest yet. When I called WW back I asked her about OM and she got very upset. I told her I knew she was still seeing him and she was very irrate about it! Why does she care if I know she is still with OM when she insists on a DV? I know its her business, but why would she care that I knew? Should I sit on the paperwork and hope things will get better, or should I file? I'm almost at the point of not caring, and want it all to be over, but then I think about my life with her and without her and I get upset. She has been my life for 17 years, that's very hard to say goodbye to... I need some advice here or at least a shoulder to cry on....

My advice--if you still love her, drag it out.

LL

LWH,

I don't have any advice to offer, I just wanted to send you a hug. ((LWH)) I am so sorry that you are going thru this, you seem like such a nice, good-hearted human being. I wish your WW would see realistically what she is about to lose by DV'ng you.

You have helped me so much, I follow your threads because it was important for me to see how the BH reacts to WW A.

My H doesn't share his feelings much with me, although it's obvious he is hurt and devastated over what I have done, he isn't big on interpreting or expressing his emotions. I do know he loves me more than anything in the world.

By you iterating your feelings, the emotions of a BH, and your experience, it enabled me to see what my H was going thru and although I am SO sorry that you have to go thru this, I thank you for (without you even knowing it) helping me see thru the fog and realize that I was ABSOLUTELY NUTS to even entertain the thought of leaving H for OM.

I truly hope you W sees what she is about to lose before it's too late. OMG, will she regret losing someone who loves her so dearly and who is so forgiving! ((((LWH))))

mrsx

If you don't want a divorce, then don't help it happen. Burn, lose, or shred the paperwork. When asked, say you misplaced it.

When another set arrives, make sure that your dog (if you have one) chews it up.

Leave one at the office where the cleaning people accidently throw it away.

Set it on top of the car and then accidently drive off without noticing the papers flying around behind you.

Spill coffee all over it while you're trying to read the first page. At your favorite cafe or diner, where you'll have plenty of corroborating witnesses.

Accidently set it on fire while reading it over a candlelit dinner with yourself. (My boss actually did this once, with a book he was trying to read.)

Return it to the library folded up and stuck in the pages of _The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce_.

The list of possibilities goes on and on and on. All of them come to one thing. Put it off. Forget about it. Ignore it. Fall asleep every time it's mentioned.

Your attorney can help in this game. Attorneys are ALWAYS busy with other clients. They can avoid each other for weeks when they need to.

Oh, and of course, there is the straightforward approach: "No, I won't sign these."

"No, I won't" is a powerful phrase. Learn to use it a lot.

Went out last night. Had a good time. Bunch of friends from work got together and went bowling and then dancing afterwards. A couple of times I had to push the tears back because I wished so badly that WW was with me. I had a good time other than that. I don't know why but I got the urge to see if WW was home, so I drove by her place after we went dancing. She wasn't there, she was at OM's place. She had written in her note to me that she was no longer with OM, so when I saw her car at his place I got a little angry. I called her cell and asked why she had to lie to me. She said she wasn't lying, that she hadn't planned on going over there. Then she said she didn't have to justify anything to me and I said you're right. I said I'd sign her paperwork. I'm pretty much done. I'll go see legal council on Monday. If not to totally end it, to at least cover my butt. Why do they have to lie? I'd rather her say that she is with him than to plain out lie to me! I guess I should have just gone home................................

<small>[ March 21, 2004, 07:17 AM: Message edited by: lost-without-her ]</small>

lost - Mine is the same way. He got up in Church with me and asked for prayers for our reconciliation. The next day I drove by his house to get the address. He was supposed to be at work. Guess what, he and OW were there. I knocked on door and roommate let me in. I went up to his room (where they were doing it, I could hear them) and knocked on the bedroom door. I said "Larry, it is your wife. You wanted to talk about our reconciliation, well here I am.

I don't know why they continue to lie. I think in their mind they blame it on the BS, so they lie and say OP is out of the picture. That way they have a clear conscience.

I would not sign D papers just yet. You can stall or ask for terms that are more favorable to you. Also don't make the kids choose. They have been mostly with you, that's how it should continue.

Thanks to all of you for the responses. I'm at a crossroads right now. DV looks good, but staying married seems the better choice. My only concern is right now she is willing to give me everything I want with the DV. It may not be the same down the road. My W is not a bad person. She is a good person deep down and a good parent deep down. Her priorities may be off a little right now but I know what she is capable of being. One of my biggest fears is that she may end up with the OM and she deserves much better than that... I know she will never be happy with him because our Ds will never accept him and our Ds are her world outside the OM. I think she is on a rough road that she isn't going to like if she doesn't get a map and find an alternative route.......

LWH, would you do me a favor and stop calling your wife? It really seems to mess with both your heads. If you can, find Takola's posting about Plan B and how talking to your spouse whilst in it really doesn't make sense.

Oh, wait. You know, I don't know whether you're in Plan B or not. If you're not, please, get there and stop calling her and driving around looking for her car. It's just making your emotions run right out of control, and that's not doing anyone any good.

Particularly me, as it gives me a headache to imagine what you're going through right now. So for my sake, please stop?

JustJ,
Yes, I've been messing up plan A, plan B, plan C and now plan DV. I guess I never learn. I know what I should do, but doing it seems to be the hard part. Thanks for listening....

She got angry when you confronted her about OM because she knows she was lying. That made her feel guilty and defensive and voila' - anger.

Seems to me her guilt is what's causing her to be so generous with the DV. She doesn't want you dragging her into court pointing out what lousy decisions she's been making. Plus she's wanting the girls to live with her, so that's a huge incentive to say she's not with OM any more. If she were still with OM you could say she's unfit and a bad influence.

LWH -

So... what're you going to do to change that?