I feel I should inform the people who have offered me support on this site, that I believe our marriage will not survive.

I have started the process of grieving for our marriage, for what it was when it was good, and what it could have been.

Two facts tell me that our marriage is over. One is that my WW is planning a vacation with the OM either in April or May.

The second is far more serious. I have found out that she has asked our church to remove her name from the membership role. My WW was devoted to the church and participated in many ministries there. Several years ago, I suggested we might wish to find a new church and she would have none of it. For her to cease being a member is a major step on her part. That combined with the fact that she has politely but firmly rebuffed every opportunity I have offered to do something, anything to indicated an interest in our marriage,... Well, I can no longer deny the facts.

What I want no longer matters. What I feel is best for us is irrelevant. It's over. Period.

A local church is starting this week a two month long series of classes for people who are divorcing or divorce. I think I will attend.

Justin,

I am sorry for your recent findings. It does look dismal but know that the A is an unstable place to be. So goes with even their vacation plans and her other choices.

I know you see this as a serious step and it is but I don't believe a WS is capable of making valuable life changing decisions that last. Not while they are in this warped state of mind.

What are you to do? In the interim, keep improving yourself. You may have to wife give up a lot in her life for her to realize just what she has lost.

Mine went on a vacation to Yosemite with the OW. I saw the hotel registration with Mr./Mrs ________ on it. How that hurt. Before that our elders met with the WS (right after d/d) and at that time the WS said he knew it was wrong but was not sorry. The elders met and informed him that as a result of his unreprentant attitude towards the adultery commited against God and his family, that he was removed from being a member of our congregation. This was not a small act. As a result, all his friends and family along with myself have to watch our association with him. He is welcomed at our meetings but communication for the most part is kept to a minimum. See he has to prove he is worthy of God's forgiveness and mine. Not the other way around. Similar to setting boundaries and plan B.

It is working. H now joins us for most of the meetings, when he is not working. His attitude is much better and he is making daily improvements in his life. His relationship with myself and his son is improving.

So is there hope? Yes. No guarantees but there is hope. You just keep on your personal recovery. There is always hope for you.

take care,
L.

Justin,

You sound really down. And your topic title is correct...you really are grieving your marriage...because no matter what, worst case or best case, the old relationship is dead. Either it will end, or you will both be changed and your relationship will be radically different.

I found myself going through (and I am still in this process) a grieving process of sorts. Shock. Denial. Reality. Desperation. Depression. Hopelessness. Anger. Uncertainty. Who knows what else I will feel on this journey, but it is very much like a grieving process that a person goes through when someone close to them dies.

Hang on to God. The Holy Spirit will not work when we are working (because it must be to His glory, not our own). So this surrender, may just be the pre-cursor to HIS victory for you!

Hugs!

Christy

I believe our marriage will not survive[
I see nothing in your posts to indicate this.

Two facts tell me that our marriage is over.
These "facts" don't indicate your marriage is over.

The second is far more serious.
...
For her to cease being a member is a major step on her part.
??? This is more serioius than her having an affair?

That combined with the fact that she has politely but firmly rebuffed every opportunity I have offered to do something, anything to indicated an interest in our marriage,... Well, I can no longer deny the facts.
Ho w about reading "Surviving An Affair" and getting professional counseling by Stece or Jennifer Harley?
They can give you the real facts and not something based on their "feelings".
They see cases such as yours everyday.

What I want no longer matters. What I feel is best for us is irrelevant.
Huh? Why do you say this? Did she file for divorce?

A few days ago my wife called me. She wanted to know if we could go the mediator route in ending our marriage or if she would have to engage an attorney and file for the divorce, with all of the attendant court battles.

Not much of a choice. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Of course, I picked the mediator route as it is less expensive and less combative. I believe we can split our assets in such a way that we will both be happy. Or at least not feel ripped off. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So there it is. I will be posting a bit more at the divorced/divorcing boards. I never thought it would come to this, but she refuses to do ANYTHING to try and rebuild the marriage.

Justin,

i am so sorry for you pain.

Justin -

I understand how bad it feels. I'm at the same point you are. My WH was told by the pastor that he is not welcome at our church until he talks to one of the pastors. My WH refuses to do it. He has been a member for 18 years.

I am near filing for a divorce because I have been paying for everything myself, and am running out of money. We have 2 mobile homes, and need to sell one, but my WH refuses to cooperate. He wants to move in with OW into the one I am living in.

The places are right across the street from each other, and I refuse to have to look at her living in my home.

I've been grieving for our marriage for several months now, and even starting to remember the happier times. Good luck to you.

or if she would have to engage an attorney and file for the divorce
She's still gonna have to file for a divorce, even if you use a mediator.

I believe we can split our assets in such a way that we will both be happy. Or at least not feel ripped off.
Be prepared for her to want everything (or a bunch of stuff she doesn't really want but she knows that you will want).

You mean there were happier times????

While this is not the ending I wanted to this problem, it is an ending. I now know the direction I must go. As of today I am starting to make the change to being a single man. That is far better than being a married man whose wife cannot respect her vows and give me the love and respect due me as her husband.

She is still the mother of my children and for that reason I will give her the respect and courtesy she deserves. Perhaps, someday, another woman will get my husbandly love.

Best wishes to all.

Justin -
Yes you deserve a good partner, one who will be a helpmate, and lift you up.

So stick with us and work through this. In the end, you will be a better man.

Justin,

Please refresh my memory. What is the situation with your children. You do have children right? If so, are you going to get custody of them? You should go for full custody. This A has apparently been a very long term one and she is very fog bound about the consequences.

I guess if you are going to do this, the one thing you need to really stop and realize is that it won't mean anything to her, that you are divorcing her. Subconsciously most people expect some reaction or some clearing of the fog, but most likely there will be none. It is part of the grieving process to realize that she doesn't care and accept that.

It is not easy, but it is where you will need to go to handle this.

I wish you the best and I hope that you post here from time to time to up date us on your journey. I have a feeling in a year or so your life will make a dramatic change for the better. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless,

JL

JL, OUr children are young adults so we do not have the child care problems that others face. One is still living at home while in college.

This is still a tough situation for our children. While they are adults they still depend on us for help and advice. They have been raised in the same home since we adopted them. I will be keeping the house. Both are upset about the split since most of their friends parents are already divorced, some are living with BF or GF, and others have moved out of state leaving the adult kids to fend for thenselves. That's tough for a young adult in the 18-22 area. Our kids took some pride in having an intact family for holidays and special events. Now that has been ripped from them just as the marriage has been ripped from me.

It is all very sad, but we will do our best to recover and move on.

God bless all of you for the support and advice you have offered.

living in the netherlands,married 27 years.
husband 50 years ow 28.Husband not living with me and kids.two young adults adopted from sri-lanka.girls 19 and 21.Very hard for the girls,special for adopted childeren.because they feel not loved and important again.Mine daughter told me,why did daddy want me, and now walking away from me, just like mine parents did in sri-lanka.very sad.Love husband very much.But the girls are nummer one now.Good luck.