I absolutely do not want to replace my kids mother with another, and I have not grown weary of my wife -

and yet your actions put your children at that exact risk....

and put your children at risk for their mom finding a "new step dad"...

You know one of the greatest insults to the spouse in all of this...is the lack of disclosure of truth...
try having an OW and keeping them totally in the dark...
have an OW who has NO idea you are married
NO idea you have children...
nothing real about you....

and yet that's where your wife is...
she will see you and the OW as out to get her
she will imagine in her mind...
turning thoughts and images over and over in head about you and the OW conspiracy against her..
that you two mock her
that you two make fun of her
that you two are out to destroy you..
that it is you two against her...
that she has been powerless...because you and OW can sit back and pity her and destroy her...

she will feel that the ONE person on this planet who is to protect her and have her back as done the EXACT opposite...

she will feel abandoned to the core of her being...

that is the reality of YOUR actions....
and yet you want some type of soft-gloved treatment to protect you...when it is your actions that are damaging...not my words...

drop your defenses and let your heart feel the agony of your wife's...

You may see my comments as whiney

no I see your comments as cruel and lacking insight to the profound and dramatic effects your choices have on innocent people...

your wife and children....

I see comments in great contradiction...and it's not your comments that are in great contradiction it is YOUR actions....

YOU stand at bringing great pain and chaos to people...
you think that BS or others don't "understand" that the emotional connection to the OP is so great that "you" can't help your self...

and that BS or others just don't "get" the connection....

No matter what the feelings...each contact is a knife stabbed into your wife..no matter how much you try to seperate your consequances from you actions you can't skirt the facts...

I absolutely do not want to replace my kids mother with another,

keep going back to that one statement..

then act accordingly if that is true...

Perhaps I will clue in (insults will not help, and trust me my best friend tries that route aleast once a week!)

If you truly believe my post was insulting report it...

but know that each contact with your OW is a greater insult to all parties involved...

you CAN'T have it both ways...

ark

Try,

I've been where you are. Faced with the same dilemma. It's tough. I see a lot of posts encouraging you to do the right thing. It'd be nice if it was easy to tell what that was, wouldn't it?

Let's work through your options:

1) Leave your family to be with the OW. This means that you are now soley dependent on an admittedly incompatible person with some deep baggage of her own to meet your ENs. Any EN's your wife was meeting will have to be met by the OW. What if the OW can't measure up?

2) Give up OW and go back to your wife and family. This would mean having to face the issues in your marriage and work on them. Probably less work than building a new relationship. After all, you and your wife have 15 years of practice and are admittedly more compatible.

3) Maintain the status quo - contrary to some other advice, this IS an option. Maintaining the status quo requires a tremendous amount of energy to keep the relationship going. You live with the risk of it blowing up all over you at any time leaving you with neither woman. Is what you're getting from the OW worth it?

In any event, you can't get out of this without putting in some major energy. If you look at in purely economic terms, I think a case can be made for option 2 being your least cost option. Only you really know.

The simple act of deciding what you want to do can be very liberating and empowering. So, I'm not going to tell you what to do...it's your choice. Weigh your options carefully, Grasshopper.

Low

Try Again,

I just want to add that Low Orbit is right that you have three options. Low Orbit also spelled out the possible consequences.

You have to live with yourself and your decision. Your decision, of course, affects many people. I really hope that you will tell your wife what is going on so that she will have this crucial information. I was very afraid to tell my husband, but looking back, I am glad I did. That way he knew the truth.

RA

Thanks for the points. I have considered option number 3 over and over again, as I look at 1 & 2 and wonder at their success. You're right the emotional energy that it takes to maintain option number 3 is substantial and provides little or no return.

Rayann, I constantly look within for the strenght to tell the truth (and to everyone else here: yes I realize that I'm betraying, deceiving and on and on and on). Some of my dilemma stems from having previously been a pretentious, moralistic [censored] on the topic of infidelity - I always believed that I would never do it, never stoop that low, never be so inconsiderate. I made promises, I critisized and low and behold I look in the mirror....Did I tell you that my wife's dad has had and we believe still has affairs (talk about marrying your father, hunh)? I can't believe that I did it - I guess that's part of it, I cannot admit to myself what I have done - what I am doing. So on top of the list of terrible things I am doing (pointed out by many prior posts in this thread), I am also lying to myself!

Try Again,

I don't know what you believe, but I am a Christian. I didn't have the strength within to stop being around the OM, but I knew God was strong, and I asked Him to help. I believe God will help you out if you ask Him to. He loves you just as much as he does me, and He promised to give us a way out of temptation.

I never thought I would have an affair either. Mine was an EA, and it was wrong, but God helped me out. I got to a point where I wanted to do what was right. I didn't know what would happen with my marriage.( At the time I doubted my marriage could get better- but guess what, it did!) If I had only gone by my feelings, I would have kept in contact with the OM, but I knew it wasn't right. Our feelings can be wrong- that's why we have to stick to what is right.

I don't know how it is for you, but for me trying to be married and also being around the OM was tearing me up inside. I started feeling really sick to my stomach and running on adrenaline. After I told my husband about the OM I was actually relieved. The temptation got better because now my husband knew. What also helped was no contact with OM.

We have all failed in some area of our life. Every human being has. The only person who hasn't is Jesus Christ, so we can always rely on Him. He will never steer us wrong. Rely on Him to help you. People here will help you as much as possible. It is not too late to do what is right. I cannot say what will happen to your marriage, but tell me how an affair can help anything? How is there any honor in continuing an affair? You have to live with your decision. Don't you want to be able to look back and say, "I did the right thing even when it was difficult?"

I hope my post is helpful. I will be praying for you & your wife.

Try Again,

One last thing, I know it's not easy for WS's to admit we messed up. It's hard for me too! But the truth is we did. You are admitting it by being here. Admitting it is a good thing, not a bad thing - it shows strength. And guess what, we all mess up in some way or another. We are all human. The good thing about facing the truth is now you can work on your marriage and what needs the OW is meeting and seek to have those needs met in your marriage. Read all you can on marriage, affairs, and emotional needs. They are an important part of this problem.