I have amassed a large amount of info. Poured myself into books, websites, discussions, counseling, this AWESOME site. I have seen attorneys, spoken with people who have successfully/unsuccessfully weathered this. And I have no more idea what the hell to do than I did before.

My story, the UNABRIDGED version

My story, the abbreviated version. WH and I have been married 9 years, with 2 children. We have been in love for 13 years. We had a nice family, a great life, and WH went away on business, met another women in a different culture a world away...and "fell in love." He has not ended the EA (it was a PA while he was there), and has also since then moved out.

Plan A: I plan A'ed my a$$ off when he first came home in 10/03 with the "Not in love with you anymore" speech. I found out about PA/EA in 11/03, and kept Plan Aing. I learned some valuable things about myself and made a massive change. Before WH moved out, he said he knew he could no longer blame the A on me (and he was very sorry he had ever done that) and that this was about him. He conceded that I had made a DRAMATIC change in the relationship, and it was clear I was earnest and committed to meeting his ENs. All very nice, except he still didn't make the decision to reinvest in the marriage and get on with life (not taking the step to leave OW and their totally unrealistic life behind).

When he moved out, I tried to detach quite a bit (which now in retrospect has been more like a 180 degree approach than a true Plan B). I am usually unavailable, happy and peaceful when I do happen to see or speak with him, and I otherwise leave him alone to do whatever it is he is doing right now.

With the help of this site, I wrote my Plan B letter.My Plan B letter which is all ready to go

Well, the arrangements we made when he moved out was that he would have kids every other weekend, would visit on Wednesdays, and that Sundays would be a family day. Sundays really SUCK for me every week (the rest of the time I manage to stay focused on my children, career, or my own personal development)...We used to really covet our Sundays...we would go to church, eat lunch as a family, play games with the kids, go to the park, and usually cap off the night by making love.

This weekend was WH's time with the kids. So I kept myself incredibly busy. WH called me about 100 times and I would not take his calls. Then he called this am to go to church together. I still did not take his call. I text messaged his phone to tell him I would not be available for "Family Day" today.

He called and told me he had been pumping up the kids all day for Family Day. I decided it was probably not fair (I know, GAG) to ditch out on Family Day without letting him know ahead of time.

They came over. We had lunch. Gave litte one a nap. WH took a nap on the couch and me and 9-year old son played Monopoly. Later WH woke up and spent some time with me talking. About how he missed me. Told me that the mean comment he had made months ago about not bothering to keep my cards and letters over the years (in response to a conversation we had where I tried to demonstrate how much he clearly loved me as evidenced in a card I had found that he had given me last year). Today he confessed that he has kept many of those cards from me (and to that I just changed the subject).

I then went on to tell him about a book I am reading right now (Called the Sexual Detour) that talks about how A's are not about the OP, are marginally about the M, and more often than not are about the inner world, the subconscious fears, hurts, dissappoints and pains, that can be found inside the WS. And the A is a way the WS can be in denial about these deep seeded wounds and have a fanciful escape (almost a way to immaturely "act out" in response to these internal stressors).

I told him I apologized for some of the wounds I had exacerbated, and we talked relationship psychology for a while.

Later he told me it hurt his feelings that I had not taken his calls (he had tears in his eyes). I told him I was exremely busy all weekend, and that otherwise I was doing what I needed to in order to move on and cope with the present conditions. We hugged for a long, long time.

So... I was all set to Plan B soon. But by his response, I wonder if continued unavailability and then when in contact, Plan A will work. But then again, think maybe a more radical Plan B will work.

And I am mad to even bring this ? to the table, because why am I so fixated on controlling this situation and trying to decipher the formula for what "will work" and what "will not work." I am mad that I am still focusing on what it takes to mend this thing, instead of being focused on what it will take to move on for myself and close this chapter in my life (because, in all honesty, until WH is ready to look inside of himself, there can be no healing for either of us in the M, and I don't know if I can wait forever for something that may never happen).

What do I do?

I've requested an appointment with Harley, but would welcome any other feedback!

I believe you are right to schedule with Harley. He will know what you should do. These are his plans, after all!

My only thought is that while you are still technically in Plan A (correct?), you should still be thinking about the R. Plan B is for you. Plan A is still making yourself a better option than OW.

That is my understanding, anyway. Harley is the way to go.

Lots of support and hugs and love. Sounds like some stuff is getting through to him.

SS

I think you have him teetering on the fence and could pull him off easily with a Plan B right now. That being said, since you have an appointment with Harley, I would rather hear what he has to say since he is the PRO!

Is your H still in contact with the OW?

Melody: Yes. He does not use his cell (cuz I check it) and he no longer has home use to computer (cuz I have it)...but I know he has plenty of resources at work (they are International colleagues, so they can use their internal Chat, e-mail, phone connect systems, interoffice mail, etc). And I did a psycho thing (of course WH doesn't know it) and went to his apt last week when he was not there (was able to get keys...I am a sneeky one, that is all I am going to say) and saw some items she had sent him as gifts (shirts from her country, little trinkets, etc). Of course I did not mention these discoveries. And a mutual friend that is a co-worker of his, saw him wearing one of the gifts she had given him in the past (that I found out about during one of my other detective missions...which he finally confessed after countless lies that she had not given him the shirt, any gifts, etc). So I have no idea at this point how much contact they have...but would guess it is pretty easy to stay in touch (and by the fact that he is WEARING these gifts she sent him, she is still on his mind).

Today I told him that I knew he had worn the shirt at work, and I felt an old reaction (that had been a destructive pattern in our dynamic in the past) well up in me, but I proudly shared with him "While I allowed mysef to feel what I was feeling, and allowed those true, intense feelings of pain and rejection wash over me [which I have discovered are well connected to some issues of my own past], I was once and for all able to control my reaction to them. I saw why I was reacting the way I was, intellectually understood what past issues were contributing to the reaction I was emotionally experiencing, and proudly did not take action. Because, WH, I have my choices that I have to live and be comfortable with, and so do you." I think he was surprised to see to what extent I had managed to develop some emotional maturity (since we both seemed to act like we were 13 years old most of the time...YIKES)!

Hopefully I can connect with Harley SOON!

Any other feedback is welcome!

P.S. SS: Thanks for the hugs and love. I need it right now and really get so much from my MB friends! :-)

BUMP--- I am still waiting to talk to Harley, but wanted to see if anyone else had any feedback.

Ok. Maybe my MB friends are tired of reading my wordy posts. Maybe you want to keep quiet until SH weighs in with his expert opinion. I am broke until the end of the month...so have to muddle along on my own for awhile.

Here's what happened today. WH has the kids because he took a week off for spring break, so he called me and asked if I would like to come by and see them. We had an interesting dialogue:

me: (in a very calm, even voice) what is the story with our M, anyway?

WH: What do you mean?

me: R u still in contact with OW?

WH: (haughtily) Yes...intermittenly.

me: Well, I have done a lot of soul searching, and while your words have been saying that you want to do the right thing, you don't want a divorce, etc....your actions are telling me a clearer story of your intent. (said softly and calmly)

WH: U r the 1 that has been distant?

me: I am distant b/c I need to try & preserve my feelings for u. The ongoing A and the pain that occupanies that is slowly chipping away at the love I have 4 u.

WH: I can understand that this must b very hard 4 u.

me: I can understand how u came to be at that crossroads and make the decisions u did. And while I think u made the wrong decisions, I guess I can see how u got there (by considering our past, ur past, etc). (sympathetically)

WH: I'm sorry. I don't know what to do.

me: R u interested in pursuing D at this point. B/C you are not showing any interest in investing energy into repairing our marriage, and I cannot continue in the relationship w/u in an A with another OW. I must have some self respect, and u and I both know that is unacceptable. This is a boundary I need in a healthy relationship.

WH: I am not there yet. I am not ready for a D.

Then I went to his apt, spent about 20 minutes hugging the kids. WH complimented what I was wearing, and seemed hesitant to have me leave. He walked me to my car, and it almost seemed as if he wanted to kiss me, but I kinda said my goodbye nicely and got in my car.

BUT HIS ACTIONS: His actions say:

"I just got the DSL cable Internet connected today so I will have Internet access at my apt so I can have another way besides work to contact OW whenever I want"

"I am not ready to cut u loose in a D, but I am not ready to keep you by ending the A"

"I will act like I care and want to b around u, so I can further manipulate u"

I don't want this anymore. I am accelerating a D. What is the point. I honestly think the love is dead. I look at him, and he is not even attractive to me anymore (I was always someone who "saw" 50% of someone's beauty in their "soul" anyway...and I always thought I would be attracted to him, whether he gained weight, lost hair, never got any sun, had rashes, ingrown hairs, or if I had to have the permanent vision of him taking a S*** etched on my brain b/c I waled in on him in the bathroom. But now, I looked at him for like 10 minutes today, and I just didn't feel that spark anymore).

What is the point? I read these posts from people who have been doing this for YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS...how the hell do they do it?

Carpe Diem. Life is too short. If that is what he wants...let him have it. I know we had something awesome, and no lies he can tell me or himself will ever make me think differently. He will crash and burn, but I will have moved on.

I am so tired of the hurt, I can hardly breath anymore.

Christy

This is the way I feel most days anymore. I say Plan B, just because you are hurting so bad. That is where I was. I was starting to hate him. If he thinks he can have his cake and eat it too, her and the family time, he will keep on doing it. Plan B is very nice and peaceful, as long as WH doesn't contact you.

If you are this upset and hating him this much, your love bank is in the red. You should think about Plan B. I am not an expert, but I would think that for your own good it would be the choice I would make.

Hope things get better.

NY

Hi Christy,

You really need to stop talking to the man.Get in Plan B now IMO.

You're spinning your wheels and wasting energy on I don't know what.You neither here nor there.Plan A is done and should be gone.You should not be doing it any longer if you had been doing it since wayback in October.Like Melody said,he is on the fence so make this more difficult for him.Do NOT go to family functions with him,stop the talking and questions,get that PBL out and get busy in your own life again without him tapping into it.You're hurting because he is still in his A and you are still in contact.You need to have your own NC.

Disconnect from the wall socket ok? You are burnt out from everything.You also have a good sign in that WH is not ready for D yet,so he says.It's time to up the ante and plan strategically.Continue to be unavailable,look great,take care of yourself,see friends,etc.By now you most likely absorbed enough Infidelity info to be ready if and when WH decides to come home so put that all aside and take a mental break.

Pay no heed to the "people" that are doing this for years and years.Only YOU can decide how long you want to do this and being in Plan B allows you the freedom to NOT make any decisions based on D or reconciliation at the moment.It helps you to be able to ride out the stupid A hopefully to the point where it ends on it's own or WH misses you/his family too much and makes the decision for himself like my WH did.

So,what do ya say?

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ March 24, 2004, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

I guess I have known that...but just not found a way to do that. That almost seems harder than D to me right now...that all or nothing kind of mentality I guess.

I'll do it. I will definitely need the help of my MB family. Who've ever thought I'd need a MB family!
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />