I'm glad you are sharing all this, lor, i needed to hear that others are having the same problem with H's committing. Mine says he loves me and does not want to be married to anyone else, yet still does not come home when he can.<BR>I had to compromise, i said, "for the sake of the babies, let's do this for a year. We'll move far from all the influence we suffer here, and not let any of your 'friends' live with us" (at the beginning of this, there was a guy living with us for months, and H blamed his affair on the fact that he THOUGHT i was doing it with this guy. not that he ever asked me, of course).<BR>He seemed to agree, and has even invited me to his 'apartment' tomorrow.<BR>He knows he wants the marriage to work, but is unwilling to take "the big leap" back into it, so i think saying,"do it for a year" makes him feel like he has an out.<BR>anyway, thanks again for sharing your struggles, it is very helpful to me.<BR>julie<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

I'm happy to have been of any help, Julie. This has just dragged on so long, sometimes I don't know if I should continue to post.<P>My H & I are stuck on this ending it with her, but I think we may have reached a sollution. He says he knows he has to close the door completely with absolutely no contact, plus he's planning to tell her that even if he & I do divorce he can't be with her--he came up with that on his own. He knows what he must do. I think at this point he's aprehensive of her reaction. She blasted him when he sent the letter last winter. Called him all sorts of names. (Can you say lovebuster?) The other thing he has said that makes sense is that how/when/what to tell her is something he needs to figure out himself, I keep trying to fix him. He must do the fixing. I have to agree with that.<P>I've thought long & hard, done some imaging and checked my motivation as my counselor suggests. I came to a conclusion that surprised me. If my H had called her Sat morning when I confronted him, I would have been satisfied. He calls her now, even in my presence I'll be momentarily satisfied, but (and this gets Machivillian, I don't think my H is this bad) I realize he may have already called her and set up the conversation for my ears or he can call her afterwards, the next day, next week, etc. Whether I hear the conversation or not, it is a matter of trust. The hard part of course is that I have every reason not to trust him. However, if our marriage will ever work at some point I must begin to trust him a little. And I have to admit, part of the reason I want to hear the conversation is to know she is hurt. Vindictiveness on my part is not good motivation.<P>What I have now said is that I need honesty from him. He said since Sat he's been honest. I think he has, he's not sugar coating or glossing anything. So, if he has any contact with her, he has promised to tell me. If I hear through my "source" or in any other way but from him that he has contact, the marriage is over. I want the marriage to work, but I'm not scared of losing him anymore. If he continues lying & cheating, I'm not losing anything but continued pain and my marriage probably died some time back.<P>I know my having absolute confirmation of the ending is important, but the end of the affair is the result I want and is of actual importance. I've thought of BeeBee letting her H go to Kentucky to say goodbye--TWICE--and since she's not back here, it must have worked the second time. I doubt most affairs on this board are ended the "right" way.<P>Any thoughts on this?

Hi Lor,<P>Your thoughts about BeeBee were my thoughts also. Harley may have good and permanent results with his methods, but God has a specific method and plan also. We don't always know why God doesn't do things the way we want him to, but his outcome is always better - and he's never late.<P>Did you read the devotional from professorg today? It was about the minister who tied a rope to the branch of a tree to get the kitten out - and he tied the other end to his car. He pulled on the branch to drop it down so he could get the kitten. The branch swung back up and the kitten went flying.<P>A little girl brought a kitten to her mom, and said "Jesus brought me a kitten out of heaven". She had been praying for one, and mom said only if Jesus dropped one out of heaven.<P>(May or may not be a true story?)<P>I thought it was particularly parralel to BeeBee's story and yours as well.<P>Hang in there - Romans 8:28!!!!!!<BR>