Karen,
I can remember how me and my W felt after dday. I lost 9 pounds in two days. She couldn't eat or sleep. 7 months later we are sleeping well and eating too much. All I am saying, and you know this, it will take alot of time, love, and patience on your part to get through this. There is no escape. This seems to be a reversal of the norm. The M is on your shoulders. Give it a week to settle. Be available, but try not to push him into recovery. You can't control him, but you can influence him with a consistant loving behavior. Back in one of my earlier replies I said to prepare yourself for the times he pushes you away. Don't ever give up hope. You can do this if you want to. Your loving behavior will penatrate his resistance, but it will take time.

He will most likely withdraw for a while. That's okay. He will have alot of questions in his mind. Please be as honest as possible. But be cautious on details that might haunt him later. Details that will confirm his visuals. But don't lie to spare his feelings, but try to protect his mind. There will be a time when you can discuss everything openly.

Please aviod separation. He may want it. I think the kids will keep him there. Just keep him in the home so you have the opportunity to reach out to him. The hardest part for you will be your own guilt. Try to focus on getting to recovery. You both made mistakes that lead to this. Don't let them hold you back. The past is over, just keep telling him you need to move forward. At some point you will be able to start the process of solving the M problems that still exist. I gotta go now. Keep your chin up, you need to be strong. Pray for God's grace to strengthen you.

Christ's Love,
Roman

FL~

How are you doing today?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> how can i possible expect him to love me now?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We WS can't expect much of anything, but I agree with WOE, he does love you. He is in a great deal of pain right now. Pain is not the opposite of love though.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> how could i have done this to him? i feel more helpless now than ever before.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What you "did" to him was not in the telling, it was the A itself. Just keep reminding yourself, for better or worse, no matter the outcome, you did the right thing!

It is a very helpless feeling, especially when the BS is not ready to talk to the WS yet. The time between the revelation and any significant communication is agonizing to live through. My H began communicating less than 12 hours, and gave his decision at that time too, but still, those 12 hours were the most agonizing hours of my life.

Give him time. If you are worried that he interpets the space you're giving him as you not being affected by his pain, then tell him so. Let him know you will do what he needs you to do. Also let him know, you are available, 24/7 and that you are an open book for any and all of his questions and concerns.

Don't be afraid to tell him you love him, lots...all the time!! Back the words up though, by showing him...give him whatever it is he needs.

Hang tough, and keep the faith!

~ad

thanks roman and ad,

whenever i start to feel overwhelmed with despair i will come back hear and read all this over and over again. My desire to help him thru this is very strong. I really believe I am capable and I will have to trust my love for him will eventually be seen and felt by him too.

i did make it into work this morning.

i do believe he loves me, as someone said, that is what enabled me to finally confess. my fear is that he will not be able to heal. my only hope is to not give up on giving him love now and pray God will help him heal.

i did eat ok yesterday and i slept ok too. i feel like i should not be able to do either of those things (losing weight wouldn't be such a bad thing!!). I think for me right now, the relief i feel for finally telling him is out weighing the grief i feel for hurting him so much. i fear that is a bad sign, is it?

i agree, the A is what hurt him, not the confessing.

he is definitely needing to withdrawal from me right now. having him out of town so much is hard on me but probably the best thing for him. he will be home late tonight. then thurs a day trip which means he will leave very early and be home late. sunday he leaves again until next tues. and then one more trip in april from a sat night until a wed night.

i am afraid to tell him i love him right now. because that is not giving him space right? i have been writing in our journal, i plan to tell him i am writing in it and that it is totally up to him if and when he ever wants to read it. this way i can express myself without pushing it on him.

depending on how the rest of this week goes, i might try to have flowers delivered to his room for this sunday - tuesday trip. i'm really scared of being pushy and making him want to withdrawal even more.

i don't think he will ask for seperation because of the kids. his love and concern for them is unending. i really think telling him right before this string of business trips was very good for him. lets him have space without feeling like the kids are going to wonder what is going on.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i am afraid to tell him i love him right now. because that is not giving him space right? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wrong, (IMO anyway).

Everyone is different. I don't know anybody who doesn't like hearing they are loved though. Granted, the words might not carry much weight at the moment, but say them anyway. Might I suggest, if he lets you get close enough, hug him, and whisper, "I love you" in his ear.

Quietly ask him what HE needs from you right now. Making it clear you want to honor his wishes. On the other hand, it's ok to let him know what you want...the M, and that you are willing to work for it. If you mean it, let him know you will do what it takes to gain back his trust and respect.

I know all too well how difficult it is to be married to someone who has to travel so much for business. The separation is not good for any M. For the time being, it is probably helping him to keep his mind off your A, a little bit. However, there will come a time where he has to face it head on. Be available to him. If he lets you, spend as much time, one on one as you possibly can.

I agree, don't be pushy, or lay things on too thick. Let him know you are there for him whenever, and for whatever he wants to discuss.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think for me right now, the relief i feel for finally telling him is out weighing the grief i feel for hurting him so much. i fear that is a bad sign, is it?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, does that bring back memories. I too remember feeling such a great sense of relief not to carry the secret anymore. I felt so guilty that while I felt such relief, he was feeling such pain. Trust me, if you don't feel the grief of hurting him as much as you feel the relief of telling him...you will. It is there.

I like the journal idea.

Try to have a good day.

~ad

<small>[ March 23, 2004, 11:03 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Karen,
Your attitude sounds great. Keep that positive attitude. Don't be afraid to tell him you love him, but don't be upset if he does not respond. Eventually he will respond. Right now words don't mean alot to him. Your actions will speak volumes. Your right, don't try to push him. The only thing I don't like is the separation. I know it has been recommended that you take a vacation shortly after dday to start the healing process. Maybe he will consider a long weekend. We did that. Actually it was my W's idea. It was not ideal, but it had an affect. My only regret was I did love bust a little. Not harsh or direct, but I did. I will keep checking back and offer support. I will pray for God to work in both your hearts to bring you together and teach you about His love.

Christ's love,
Roman

i'm fretting again, my stomach feels so sick right now. i am not getting anything done at work and i really have to start making progress. i was put on a new project a week or so ago that is a mess and i have not been successful in getting on board.

of course, my thoughts are really on home stuff. how do i show him my love when i am supposed to give him space? i can have the house clean when he comes home, i can get our's and his mom's taxes done, i can take good care of the kids and make sure they are happy and not seeing my worry. but i really don't think he wants to hear i love you from me, cuz it means nothing to him now.

regarding a weekend away, i don't think that will happen for us, not right now anyway. we were just in vegas, he has been on so many trips lately with a few more to come, the kids need to be with him. we were planning on going to our lake house on friday, hopefully that will still be the case. it is a wonderful retreat for the family.

he does not always travel this much. every march/april he has a job that sends him to multiple cities. travel will pretty much end after the april trip.

if i had to guess i think he is most stuck on the fact that i lied while he was trying so hard in counsoling. he really believed we were being honest then.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I felt so guilty that while I felt such relief, he was feeling such pain. Trust me, if you don't feel the grief of hurting him as much as you feel the relief of telling him...you will. It is there. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes, i know, it is very much there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Quietly ask him what HE needs from you right now. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">all he said was space and my patience. so i will have to trust that when he is ready, he will come to me. in the mean time i will write in the journal. it is the best way i can think of letting him have access to my feelings/thoughts on his timeline.

God, please give me the strength and ability to love him enough!!

I have so much doubt. I have messed up so bad, what makes me think i can love him correctly now??? and if i doubt it, how can he not help but doubt it too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My H began communicating less than 12 hours, and gave his decision at that time too, but still, those 12 hours were the most agonizing hours of my life.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what was his decision? it sure sounds like you guys worked thru this, i don't know your story at all. you have/are recovering?

ad, i just saw this in another post, so now i do know a bit of your story...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also, I wanted to add...my H was terribly hurt, terribly disappointed, and I'm quite sure terribly angry. He just chose not to display those emotions past the first few hours. He has said since, that my remorse was so genuine, there was really no place or sense for him to show his hurt. He went as far as to apologize that I felt I had to keep it secret for so many months, that I was alone in it, carrying the burden without him...unbelievable!!! I believe he was so relieved to know I loved him, and that I didn't want to go anywhere, that it was so easy to forgive. He said, "all I ever wanted was to know you love me, to know you are happy, and to see you smile"
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">all i can say is WOW!!! and... i could see my H doing the exact same thing actually. this could be wishful thinking of course. but when i think back to all the fighting he did to keep us together, his ability to keep trying thur all my crap, his strength and commitment is amazing.

FL,

You asked how can you show him you love him and still give him space?

I agree it's fine to tell him you love him - but don't expect him to believe you nor to respond. If it's what you're feeling, though, tell him. I wouldn't say it over and over like a broken record because then it becomes needy, clingy, frightened.

Your ideas of having the home clean, dinner cooked, etc. are all good ones. Wear clothes he likes. Wear jewelry he gave you. Wear his favorite perfume. When he does something nice for one of the kids tell him what a fantastic father he is. Tell him you missed him so much while he was gone and you appreciate that he is a good provider. Rub his shoulders if he'll let you, or massage his scalp.

Can you arrange a babysitter and a quiet evening out or at home for the two of you sometime during his trips? I know he needs to see the kids but it would be good to have some time alone. Either "down time" to just relax without interruptions or time where he can rant at you without worrying about the kids overhearing. Either would be productive (whatever he needs).

Does he have favorite music? Play it sometimes. Bring him some iced tea or whatever while he watches the news.

Be available but don't hover. Read a magazine or write a letter - do something that you can put down in a moment, so you're not just sitting there staring at him but you're not aloof and unapproachable either.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have so much doubt. I have messed up so bad, what makes me think i can love him correctly now??? and if i doubt it, how can he not help but doubt it too.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't know what you mean by "correctly"??

Do you love him?

I know for me, I didn't immediately feel love for my H, (although it came back rather quickly), but I did the "fake it till you make it". I did things that showed love. I did unselfish things. It felt so good to give for a change. I got back so much from him too, that the love came.

Right now, he is going to doubt your love, and much of what comes out of your mouth anyway. That's why we say to put legs on your words, otherwise they are meaningless.

I still say you can say "I love you". As long as it's not pushy and phoney sounding, I don't believe it's going against his desire for "space". IMO, I think sometimes a BS says things like "needing space" to see what our reaction will be. See if we care, etc...Like wanting to see if they are worth enough of our effort to invade the space. I don't have a lot of time, don't think I'm expressing myself well, but are you following me at least a little?

What you said about doing things around the house, taking care of the kids, etc. That is all excellent. Especially if those are some of his ENs. Quietly go about meeting his ENs. Remember what I said, take every opportunity, no matter how small it may see to meet his needs. Show him, he is what matters most to you. Make him feel safe, he desperately needs that right now.

The cabin retreat is a great idea. I hope you still go. Is there a way the kids can stay with someone, so you guys can go alone? Time alone is so crucial. I know after our D-Day, outside family and friends may have wondered why we weren't doing as much family stuff as before. People would see us out alone as a couple, where in the past our kids may have been with us. Looking back, in some ways, our kids may have been "neglected" in the first months after D-day. I'm here to tell you, they were thriving in our family like never before. The two of us working on our M was the best gift we gave our children, even if it meant many hours spent without them.

To answer your Q, yes my H's decision was to remain in the M. In many ways we had more obstacles to overcome than the two of you.

My story:

~PA- 8 months

~Found out I was P, 99% sure x-om is bio.

~Informed om of P, then ended the A.

~Told H I was P right away, but didn't reveal the A or the fact baby was probably an OC.

~Continued phone and email contact w/ om for 1 month after saying "goodbye" to him. On the day I ended all contact, I gave the om an indication I was having trouble w/ P, (I was, and thought I might lose the baby). Also, gave him indication if not miscarrying, may consider abortion.

~Started posting on this site in P/C, (even though I found the site during my A, and if I hadn't been an idiot, could've ended my A before getting P <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> )

~Hoped I would find advice here telling me it was ok to continue to lie to my H. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> I was foolishly thinking I would pass baby off as H's. Take the lie to my grave, blah blah blah...

~6 weeks after my first post, and nearly 5 mos. P, I confessed to my H.

~Lots of initial tears and harsh words from H.

~12 hours later he said, "I love you, I've always loved you, you just never believed me...I want to raise the baby as our own...it will be our secret, and ours alone...I forgive you..."

~Well on our way down the bumpy road we know as recovery. Ups and downs, to be sure, but no regrets what so ever that we are on this road together.

~Our M is in better shape than it ever has been.

~I daily thank God that he found fit to give this man to me as my H.

Hope you are feeling better.

~ad

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> all i can say is WOW!!! and... i could see my H doing the exact same thing actually. this could be wishful thinking of course. but when i think back to all the fighting he did to keep us together, his ability to keep trying thur all my crap, his strength and commitment is amazing.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes!!! I'd be willing to bet it's not wishful thinking.

I was the Queen of Crap Pulling, and still my H fought for us. He put up with so much, not to mention NONE of his needs were being met. He in fact was the one that should've been prime for an A of the two of us.

Near the end of my A, he was clearly worn out by all the crap, that he actually started to half heartedly mention the word divorce to me. In the past, he wouldn't hear of it when I brought it up. Hearing him say the D word actually scared me though, and I made plans to end the A. It ended up being too late as far as getting out w/out a P, because as it turns out...the day my H said D, I was 1 week P.

Anyway, I do believe there is hope for you. Your H just needs time to sort through all that you have dealt him.

Thinking of you!

turtlehead,

thanks for the ideas. he loves to get backrubs from me, if he will accept them, i would love to give one to him.

i am going to wait just a little bit before trying to suggest getting a babysitter or anything like that. i just don't want to be pushy. everything has been about my needs for way too long. i will be sure to make it clear that i am 100% committed to helping him heal in whatever way he needs.

ad, by correctly i mean to say in ways that he needs. i guess what i mean is that early on i thought i was a loving wife, but i did not show that love in a way that met his needs.

YES, i do love him!!! For a long time i didn't think i did. I certainly didn't feel love for him. Since Nov I was more able to do loving things and the feelings have already come back.

i know it will be a hard line to figure out, how much space vrs. letting him know he is worth fighting for. taking care of the house is a big EN for him. not one i have ever been very good at, especially working full time. but i am certainly capable of getting better at that.

as much as i would love to go to the cabin alone, i know he will not want to go without the kids and i can respect that. hopefully we will find a weekend sometime in the near future.

thanks for sharing your story and for all the encouragement today. you are a God send!!!

that goes for everyone reading this and posting.

Karen,

I know you're hurting now. It's okay to feel the pain. It is how we are better able to see ourselves.

I thought Autumn Day's story was truly amazing. It was so heart touching. I know of one other man who did the same thing. He was actually an inspiration for me. It shows that love can and does prevail in even the most desparate of circumstances. You have that love and your H will respond to it.

Try not to worry, this is in God's hands, just love your H. You are getting great support and advice. All of us are here to help you. The weekend idea sounds great. Just keep your expectations low and your hopes high. Keep seeking God. I truly beleive that someday you will see a blessing out of all of this. God uses all things for our good and His glory. I know my M has been changed for the better, so will yours.

Christ's Love,
Roman

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ad, by correctly i mean to say in ways that he needs. i guess what i mean is that early on i thought i was a loving wife, but i did not show that love in a way that met his needs. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Like I said yesterday, I've only followed your story a bit. So forgive me, if you've already covered this somewhere else, but do you know all his ENs, his top 5? Does he know yours? Ever filled out the EN questionaire? If you know his needs, and are doing everything to meet them, you don't need to doubt your "correctness".

Ok, for a little light heartedness...After filling out the EN Q's, I said to my H, "Wowwwww, I think I'm high maintenance, cuz ALL of the ENs are important to me...I need all of them met...I'm having trouble picking the most important ones..." He laughed hysterically, and just said, "Ya think?" He has always known me so well!

It won't hurt to request from him that you go as a couple to the cabin. If he insists the children go, that's fine. I strongly encourage you to get some alone time with him though. Even if you have to wait till night time. Obviously I don't want you to get into a territory where there will be loud voices, with the children around. Don't be afraid of the subject though. Ask him when you are alone if he wants to talk. Follow his lead.

Also, throughout the weekend, take every opportunity to show affection, if he lets you, hold his hand, put your hand gently on his leg, just above the knee, etc. You can start this in the car on the way there. You will be able to tell by his reaction if he wants this or not. If he pulls away, don't let that discourage you from trying again during the weekend. Just be yourself, be real, don't do things as if you're going through the motions. Be humble, and never pushy. I don't see you as pushy anyway, if you're afraid to tell him you love him! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I was serious about the whispering, "I love you" in his ear. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain, as far as I see it!

Hope you are feeling better tonight.

~ad

FL,

You said something I thought I would comment on. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> if i had to guess i think he is most stuck on the fact that i lied while he was trying so hard in counsoling. he really believed we were being honest then. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I remember discussing this with you a long time ago. I do think it will be a major stumbling block. However, I also think there is a way to view this that may be a bit of a positive.

Permit me to ask you a question or two.

Did your H's work lead to you ending your A?

Did your H's work lead you to love him again?

Did your H's work lead you to confess to him about the A's?

Were and are you ashamed of the A?

You see what I see is a woman that lied because she was changing her mind. If I recall correctly you were basically out the door. I wonder if you would have had any trouble telling him about the A if you had continued out the door?

I see this as YOU having to proof to him that you are trustworthy.

But, I also see this as you feeling his love and learning to love him again. His hard work was NOT in vain. It over came your other feelings AND your affair with an OM. It changed you around.

He may well be mad at the lies as he should be, but he needs to know that you recognize the power of his efforts and it caused you to completely turn around. He needs to know you respect him like you never have and love him in ways you never have.

Then simply say you would be honored if he would give you a chance to prove that you can be trusted and that you love him, because he should know that you have been overwhelmed by his love for you.

Does this make sense to you? Do you see where this is going? He feels down, he feels lost, he feels very disrespected, but he shouldn't. In your eyes he has done amazing things and you have and still do respond to those amazing things. You saw what he was doing and it brought you back and you had further to come back than he realized, but he did it. You would like a lifetime to make that hard work grow and prosper. Ask for the chance to do that.

Finally, you need to explain why you told him. It was you respected him so much that you could NOT let him live a lie. You know the truth hurt him deeply, but the lie was not right and it was messing up you AND the marriage. He has choices just as he did when he decided to work on the marriage, but you wanted those choices to be based on the truth.

Truth is that he is deeply love and respected by you. The truth is that he brought you back.

Let him know you understand what he did. Let him know it was far more powerful than he realized.

Then give him "some" space, but do as AD and other's suggest. Don't leave him alone completely and consider what YOU can do to make this marriage better. I know you are thinking about this, but focus on things that you can do LONG TERM.

Hang in there FL. You have a strong H there and it sounds like a good one just as AD has. You are and have been seeing the REAL guy now. It can help you.

God Bless,

JL

How goes it today, FL?

Your H got home last night, right? How did it go?

Hope you are well, (as can be, considering)

~ad

thanks ad for checking in with me. i am having a hard time even posting today. but i have been reading your posts to me. i don't mean to not let you guys know what is going on. it's just so hard right now.

his pain is so intense. he feels so alone. i was supposed to be his best friend in life.

we talked some after he came home and the kids were in bed. he just does not know what he wants now. he doesn't understand why i didn't just divorce him, why didn't i just tell him right away so he would not have gone thru all this counsoling. he said he let his defenses completely down. he did not deserve this. he was not that bad of a husband. he doesn't know what to believe now.

i told him he did not deserve it, it was not his fault, it was mine, completely. i told him even though i did this i deep down still could not end the marriage and then he started changing so much, and his love was so overwhelming, how much he kept trying. i told him how much i admired him now. i told him it was because of all his work that i was able to get my hope back but that i could not be his wife without the truth being told. he said i did the right thing by telling him.

it is so hard to keep from crying here. which makes working pretty unproductive and there is so much piled up on me right now.

he saw the kids briefly when he got home. they all cuddled on the bed for a few minutes. later he told me he did not know how he was gong to be able to be around the kids without crying. i don't know how to help him. we were scheduled to help at the church kitchen tonight, he does not want to try to go. now that he knows the pastor and one other church member knows, he does not know what would happen if he saw them. he does not want to break down there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Did your H's work lead to you ending your A?

Did your H's work lead you to love him again?

Did your H's work lead you to confess to him about the A's?

Were and are you ashamed of the A?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">of course the answer to all those questions is YES. i think this is exactly what i was trying to tell him last night when i said how his love just wouldn't end and how he brought me back and saved me. but he is so devestated now.

ad, to answer your question, we have not filed out the EN questionaire. i did print them out once earlier this year and mentioned them to him but we never did fill them out. right now he is just so worn out. we had gone thru so much counsoling already. i don't think this is the right time to ask him to do anything like that. i need to be gentle with him now, give him so rest, allow him to recover. i have to carry him.

good signs, he hugged me at the airport when i picked him up. he is allowing us to both sleep in the same bad. he allowed me to kiss him goodbye this morning. he was still sleeping, his alarm went off because it was time to get the kids going, i should of been on my way out but i told him i would take care of getting our daughter out before i left and he could sleep in some. she had to be at school early, 7:30am, our son didn't have to be there till just before 9am. so he was just bearly awake when i asked him if i could kiss him goodbye and he said yes. i kissed him on the head.

i told him if there was anyone who he would like to talk to about this that might help it was ok with me. he said no one could help him now. i told him how i wanted to comfort him but he said no rather quickly. i told him God could help him. he didn't respond to that.

i don't feel like i deserve the support from this board anymore, he is so alone, why should i have any support? i know you will tell me because we all deserve God's love and that is exactly what you all are showing me, God's love. but still i feel very unworthy.

i just called to see how lunch with our son was. he called me honey. he says he is having a pretty stable afternoon and that he does not want to talk today but he will need to again. he again told me he would need much patience from me. i told him anytime, whenever he is needing to talk i want to be there for him. i told him i didn't expect this to go away over night, but that i believed we could heal. he didn't respond to that but he did say the talking we did yesterday helped.

i never would have been able to get myself into a position where i could be helpful if it were not for this board.

FL,

Don't be foolish. You deserve the help because by helping you we are also helping him. Don't you get it? You two are one, if one is helped the other is helped. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

IF you can become healthy and strong you can help your H, just as he did when you were down.

Keep telling him how he turned you around and how much you love him now. Keep telling him that you want to listen to him. TELL him to get on the bed and let you give him a backrub. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

FL, everyone doesn't heal at the same time. You have been doing yours and now he must do his. You telling him the truth was the final really big hurdle for you. Now he has hurdles to cross, but you can help him.

Isn't ironic that it took all of this for you to see him as he really is? He is about to find out what you are made of, and how strong you are. You will do fine FL. There is a reason the people here were more than willing to help you, you showed that you were a person that would take the help and make something good out of it.

So your task is at hand, time to focus outward more, and less inward. This is why there are marriage vows about "for better or worse". Hang in there FL, your H no matter what he decides is going to find out that he married a much stronger, and better woman than he realized.

One final thought. Don't tiptoe around him give him the presence of a solid woman who KNOWS what she wants and will fight for it. I am not saying to tell him to "deal with it and get over it", but let him know you are here for the long haul, you will be his rock, and if he needs to cry you want him to. YOU KNOW HOW STRONG HE IS. HE DOESN'T NEED TO PROVE IT TO YOU. You are the one that needs to do the proving and you intend to do it.

Put your arm around him hug him, kiss him, and let him know that whether he knows it or not his work built a stronger friend than he knows right now.

FL, what I am trying to tell you, is that he needs to see what his work created in you. He will need your help, but more than that he will need YOUR strength and commitment to make it through this.

Read here of all of the BS's and see how they felt the 1st week/month of finding out. He will be on the rollercoaster and so will you, but be there.

Must go. Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

FL I just wanted to let you know how proud of you I am. If your H loves you as much as you love him there isn't anything the two of you can't accomplish. You were one of the first WS to post to me and that ment a lot to me. I had to pull the truth out of my WW by giving her the what do you think I'm stupid speech. I'll pray for you and your H. Thank you again for the nice things you said in my post. I read it every once in a while when I feel bad and it makes me feel better so thanks for that.

John, i hope you come back here and see this response. THANK YOU SO MUCH for what you said. I am very glad it helped you. hearing you say that really makes me feel good. i remember posting to you, it was posts like yours, from husbands that could fogive their wives, that helped me be able to confess, that and some 2x4s from JL and others and the rest of the incredible support here. i continued to follow your story for a little bit but with the stuff going on in my life, i have not been reading other's posts quite as much. your post has lifted me up tremendously just now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

JL, i hear ya, thanks. i will keep telling him how incredible i think he is. and how much i love him and how much i want to be his wife and share his life with him forever. i am feeling stronger than this morning. i really do beleive we will be ok. i know it will take a long time but i know we can be happier than either of us ever imagined.

i have felt the need to tiptoe a little, i will try hard to not do that. i just fear just the site of me must make him cringe. i did offer him a backrub last night, he did not want one. i might have to just sneak one in on him anyway tonight. i did rub his feet some when kids were cuddling with him in the bed. i was sitting at the foot of the bed. i just don't want to crowd him or be pushy.