roman, thanks for the reply and encouragement.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was not doing well on Friday. For some reason Friday's are bad for me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">do you understand why Friday's are bad for you? I worry about you. i worry you are keeping it in too much. i know you can take it to God and that is a great thing to do, but i truely believe you also have to take it to you W. You have to share this pain, you have to let her see it, how else can she help you heal??? and her helping you is not only good for you it is good for her too. please think about that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She even told me she loved me without me saying it first to my face. This is the first time since dday, 7 months. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i am happy for you. i find it hard to say i love you to him not because i don't love him but because i feel it is very lame coming from me right now.

S&C, thanks for the reply and your continued prayers. I appreciate your 2 cents anytime. This board has been wonderful because of the way WS and BS can communicate and help each other see the other's perspective. It has been a God-send in my life.

John, thanks for your reply. This is what i wrote in our journal 2 nights ago (although he is not reading journal right now, i hope in time he will, so i write anyway.) i also try hard to say everything i write to him personally as well. he has been gone alot these past 8 days so that has made it harder.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your love has changed me. There is no going back. I still have flaws and so do you but we know how to work as a team now. I trust in this. The fact is your love has resulted in me trusting in you and us more than i have ever been able to trust anything. The point is, i never trusted in anything in my life before. I trust you with my life now. I know nothing can ever change that now. You have shown me what you are made of and it is beautiful. No matter what, I know the beauty inside you . Outside actions are just that, outside action. Sometimes they are nice, sometimes they are selfish. It is the way humans are. Buy YOU are beautiful in your heart and in your soul. that is the core of you and that does not change. I adore you Mike that is not to say i will always like what you do, but i adore you.

No matter what happens I will continue to be your wife and I will save myself for you. I truely believe God wants this marriage to survive and be beautiful. I trust in that belief.

I know i hurt you more intensly than anything. But I believe God and I can help you heal those wounds. I know it will take months, even years. I know you will never forget this pain. But I want to help you heal and I want to be your wife forever. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">everything i wrote is truely from my heart and i am sure many of you here will say it is very nice, but H does not care about what i write, right now anyway. and i fear i don't sound very real anyway. it just boils down to same thing, this will just take time and more time, until he feels comfortable with my actions too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your biggest problem may be your own guilt. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">the thing is, and this worries me some. i am not sure i am feeling enough guilt right now. the relief i feel for confessing is so great. i feel good about myself because i did take that step. i feel good about myself because of everything that has been said here too. and i think i should not feel good about myself but i do. is this healthy or am i full of sh*t?? that is what i really wonder. H told me i am on a "confessional high" and that is kind of true. He fears once the high is over, we will still be in same place as before the confession. i do not think that is true.

i do feel remorse, very strongly at times. mostly i feel a huge desire to help him feel better.

Morning FL!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i fear i am not allowing him to express his anger adequatley. it's not that i am asking him to not be mad at me, but because i am so remorseful, i think that deflats his anger before he can express it all and i realize he must have extremely intense anger. i wrote this concern of mine in our journal (although, he is not reading the journal right now). does anyone have any thoughts on how i can help him express his anger safely.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He may possibly be keeping it in, but he may just not be as angry as you think. My personal opinion is he is in more raw pain than anything else right now.

My H didn't show much raw emotion past the first few hours after discovery. In our first in depth convo about it, (3 days later, because we did a family weekend away as you did), I was concerned about him, and nervous because he wasn't talking about the A at all. I asked him which would best describe his feelings toward me and what I had done: anger, disappointment, or hurt. He said disappointment. He has always maintained there was no use in being angry, that anger couldn't change what I did, he also said I was beating myself up over it so much, it didn't make sense to add to it. I made it clear though, that I didn't want him to hold any thing back, no matter if I was remorseful, that he had every right. I could take it...

FL, your remorse is genuine, and I believe your H sees that. Just continue to be open to him, letting him know you are by his side, and that you will and can accept any emotion he needs to express.

Does your H typically express anger, in other situations, etc?

How are you doing today?

~ad

The only way you will be in the same place after the "high" wears off, is if you don't do the work to change your marriage. It takes both of you, but you will have to take the lead.

When he is finished with the bulk of his travel, start with the 15 hours per week, one on one, just the two of you.

all tests came back neg.

i am thrilled of course but this does not take away the fact that i really did put his life at risk.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Does your H typically express anger, in other situations, etc </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">historically, he has not shown his anger much. if anything he just withdrawals. one of the big issues of our marriage is that he did not show his emotions, good or bad. he is very very even.

due to all the MC and stuff we did, he has learned to express his emotions mostly in conversations. his tone is still very even but he does communicate.

i need to wait until he is ready to start any kind of relationship work. you have to remember, we have been doing relationship work through out this time. i still think he is tired of all that. i will find a way to slip in the idea of MC (maybe even with Steve) but i really think i need to let him call the shots.

i could be way off base because he said once he was not sure he could be intimate with me for a long long time, like maybe even a year. but i get the impression he may want to be intimate tonight.

i am very very nervous about that. i can't stand the thought of trying and then having it go bad, like maybe he will think he wants to but once we start it will feel bad and he will need to pull back. not that i would mind, i just hate the idea that being intimate is going to be a neg trigger but i can't really see how it can be anything but somewhat a neg trigger.

i just needed to express my nervous feelings. i know it will all work out in time, i'm just nervous tonight.

i will be picking him up in about 2 hrs.

ewwww boy, I know all about this fear. Just relax, go with it, let whatever will be, will be. Try not to think so hard about everything. A glass of wine, maybe?

I'm sure you will be reading this tomorrow anyway, but I'm still thinking good thoughts for you!!

Side note...I had the double paranoia of being intimate w/ my P belly in between us, thinking of all it must have represented to him. It ended up being my problem, my issue, because as I tried to cover it up, he would uncover it, saying, "no, you are beautiful, especially pregnant." Now, if I didn't hear these kinds of things and see the kind of things my H did post D-Day, I wouldn't believe a word I'm saying. Am I making sense? It's just that even *I* have a difficult time believing how wonderfully and mercifully my H has handled things.

I see this in you, that you seem surprised your H may have hinted toward intimacy tonight, going against what he said the other day and all. This is just what the two of you need to begin to draw closer and get through this.

first, i think i must of read him wrong.

second, now i am feeling hostile. i don't know what that is about. i have not felt hostile towards him before.

i guess maybe there is a reason. it has to do with my career. i have been wanting to become a teacher but because i am main bread winner H has told me it would be irresponsible for me to change careers. we pretty much just rely on my salary, although $ he makes with photography helps fund larger projects and our savings account.

i recieved an email yesterday morning regarding a job at a private school (i.e. no teaching certificate required). I was recommended by a former co-worker who knows the efforts i have been putting towards changing careers. I had put a lot of energy towards this happening but ended up tabling the idea for now.

i am excited to have been recommended, full of self-doubt as to if i really have what it takes to be a teacher and cautious to get too excited about it, especially considering what is going on with H and I now. this could be the job of my dreams. I need to talk to H about it in a serious and deep way but that will not be possible. talking to him about my dream has never really worked out well, maybe that is just my perspective and my problem.

i don't know, i'm just a mess right now, but i better quite hiding on the computer. he is supposed to be coming up to look at the job description sent to me.

i'm a wreck today.

we did not talk last night, nor anything else.

he thinks he will be ready to talk tonight.

this morning he told me he has not yet decided to not be married to me anymore.

and now i don't know what to do about this job thing. i was feeling hostile last night because when i picked up H from airport he asked if i had sent in resume. i said no (in my head i'm saying, how can I?? not will everything going on right now). i don't remember exactly what he said but he said something about how i should be acting fast on this. and i got impression he was annoyed that i had not. which i didn't understand. so i asked him and he said no, not annoyed. then i said straight out, how can i consider this with what is going out right now with us. he said good point. but then he said, you can always inquire about job and then not accept it. then he said, with college fund still not fully funded, this might not be a good time to take a pay cut. this is why it is so hard to talk to him about this. i can't figure out what he is thinking, he goes back and forth. he says he would love for me to be able to follow my dream but then he immediately starts talking about financial responsibilities. well there are 2 of us here!!!

i have turned down 2 teaching jobs over the past few years. the first one would of been great, teaching math at an all-girls school, somewhat close to home, but pay was very low. so i passed but we said we would find a way to let me change careers in the near future. then i got a lead on teaching at a college. so i taught there part time for 3 semesters, and they loved me and i was offered a fulltime position there, higher pay, but i really want to teach MATH at a jr high or high school, so i choose to turn job down. there is a program designed for professionals to get a teaching certificate that I am wanting to enter. I have taken and passed the entrance test. I will be better able to enter that program if i stay at current job then if i went to college to teach. plus that kept us at the higher paying job for a little longer. now this opportunity is presenting itself to teach combination of math/computers to 10-12 graders at a very prestigous school. how can i not inquire but how can i move jobs now??? and if i do inquire and it sounds wonderful and i get offered the job and then i have to turn it down... that will be very hard to deal with.

i am also feeling a mess today because i am just so uncomfortable right now. part of me just wants to run away, i don't want to act on those feelings but i have to admit, they are here today full force. the little voice inside my head is talking as if H is telling me he wants divorce and it is saying "fine, i can survive just fine without you anyway" and i know i am just scared of rejection, that i am uncomfortable feeling so vunderable.

how do i deal with these feelings??? i don't want my actions to be based on these feelings.

this morning he told me he has not yet decided to not be married to me anymore.

This is as encouraging as he can be right now. Even if he should "decide" to leave, those feelings would be likely to change. He will be on a major roller coaster for a while. Everything he thought he knew is suddently topsy-turvy. He's not sure where to go and he doesn't trust his perceptions or his decision making abilities. He needs you to be his rock, to keep him grounded. Just thank him for giving the situation his honest and sincere consideration, and for not immediately ditching on you. Appreciate and admire him, then drop it.

he said something about how i should be acting fast on this.... you can always inquire about job and then not accept it. then he said, with college fund still not fully funded, this might not be a good time to take a pay cut. this is why it is so hard to talk to him about this. i can't figure out what he is thinking, he goes back and forth. he says he would love for me to be able to follow my dream but then he immediately starts talking about financial responsibilities.

Sounds like he's considering all angles, all possibilities. He's "thinking out loud" and sharing with you, which is a very good thing. He's also trying to balance your desires with the needs of the family. He's taking steps to POJA, even if he doesn't know that term. Join him in this exploration of possibilities.

there is a program designed for professionals to get a teaching certificate that I am wanting to enter. I have taken and passed the entrance test. I will be better able to enter that program if i stay at current job then if i went to college to teach. plus that kept us at the higher paying job for a little longer. now this opportunity is presenting itself to teach combination of math/computers to 10-12 graders at a very prestigous school. how can i not inquire but how can i move jobs now??? and if i do inquire and it sounds wonderful and i get offered the job and then i have to turn it down... that will be very hard to deal with.

These are things to share with your H as you explore your options. Solicit his input, provide yours. Together you can come up with a solution that you are both enthusiastic about. Wont' that feel good? The best part is, you don't even have to "sell" him on POJA - he's doing it instinctively! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

part of me just wants to run away, i don't want to act on those feelings but i have to admit, they are here today full force.

It's a LOT of hard work that you've signed up for, this confession and rebuilding. Of course running away will sometimes seem attractive. Maybe try to relax, give it all some time? Share some jokes, some laughs? You are doing so well.

the little voice inside my head is talking as if H is telling me he wants divorce

That's fear. That's knowledge that you don't control the situation, that you don't hold all the cards, that you can't read the future.

Deep breath.
Step back.

Your H is very much IN THIS with you. He's voicing a teeny weeny bit of... not even hesitation, just fear of 110% commitment. Can you honestly expect anything else from him? Would you honestly deep down in your soul even WANT anything else from him at this point? He already committed 100%, and he feels like that failed somehow. Of *course* he's unsure. He's expressing that to you. He's so honest, and so open with you. If he WEREN'T hesitant or doubtful, THEN you'd have cause to worry!!

Big hugs to you, FL.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He needs you to be his rock, to keep him grounded. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that is so much a part of my fear, maybe i'm not capable of being that solid. eariler in the day yesterday i started telling myself i'm really not capable of all this. what's to say i have changed one bit??? what has really changed to make me think i can be a healthy partner now and long term??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You are doing so well.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i would love to believe that, i feel so weak right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's fear. That's knowledge that you don't control the situation, that you don't hold all the cards, that you can't read the future.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">very true.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your H is very much IN THIS with you. He's voicing a teeny weeny bit of... not even hesitation, just fear of 110% commitment. Can you honestly expect anything else from him? Would you honestly deep down in your soul even WANT anything else from him at this point? He already committed 100%, and he feels like that failed somehow. Of *course* he's unsure. He's expressing that to you. He's so honest, and so open with you. If he WEREN'T hesitant or doubtful, THEN you'd have cause to worry!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">thanks, you are very right. it is very encouraging he is talking to me at all and sharing.

i know what roman would be saying... if i am lacking strenght, go to God and ask for help. and that really is what i need to do. because i know i don't have that strength on my own. but i really do want to be strong for H. he has been so strong these past years, i really want to be there for him now.

thanks for the response. i am actually having lunch with H and kids now. he called while i was posting.

P.S. the stuff with the teaching, this has been going on for a few years actually. i have voiced my desire to become a teacher for a while, it was even talked about in C. After turning down the one job, i started researching how to get my certificate, found a great program, took the entrance tests (and passed), was in the middle of second rounds of interviewing (only 15 people were able to be in the program) when i had to pull out. this was late 2002. He tells me he wants me to be able to become a teacher but he also tells me we need my salary. and lately he is now talking about openning up a furniture store (how we fund that is a major question). If it were not for this opportunity presenting itself, i would not be thinking about any of this right now. it is not the right time and for that exact reason,the best thing to do might be to just let this one pass too. i really believe i am meant to be a teacher and i WILL get there.

FL, you knew this going in. It is going to be a long haul but you both will be OK. Don't hang on his highs and lows. As you said he has been the rock for the last 2 years but now you have to step up. Just hold on tight it really sounds a lot more encouraging than you think it does. And don't beat yourself up. This isn't a life sentence. You made a mistake but you are still capable of being a great W. Show him that person now.

WOE

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You made a mistake but you are still capable of being a great W. Show him that person now.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">well, that wass the whole point of confessing, now wasn't it? thanks woe.

i am feeling better. i need to focus hard on work for the next few hours and then focus hard on H and family all evening.

fear of rejection is a powerful thing, and causes us to often make ill-advised choices. In your case you chose to do the right thing, the healthy thing...it was a DECISION...in opposition to your "feelings". That is my point, we can do things if we understand why, and can then endure the emotional "disagreement"...I know you are not goint to run away, but it may help to remember this was a decision, you have a rational plan, continue to carry it out FOR YOU, and you will find your balance. Obviously your H reactions impact your feelings...but NOT your plan. Regardless of outcome, you will be a better person for this, an honest person, and person who can make rational choices, not just emotional choices....which is what has plagued you in your life up to now. By leading a balanced life between your rational side and your emotional side, you will be a healthier, happier person (and therefore a better mother, friend, and spouse...whether your H chooses to recover or not)....don't lose sight of this, it is the most important outcome of what you did.

One does not do the right thing to gaurantee a desireable outcome, one does the right thing because it is healthy....but it does make good outcomes more likely. It is way to early to assess much of anything re your H, but you do have a lot of opportunity to continue to grow and understand yourself...and I think that is a very good thing, and sufficient at this point. Good luck.

sufdb,

i wondered if you and i were ever going to cross posts again. shortly after confessing i almost posted to you saying, maybe (just maybe!!!) your description of stealing his life is more accurate then i wanted to believe. i'm still not sure.

i do know for one thing.... confessing was the only right thing to do.

thanks for the encouragement and the "good luck"

FL it's me Johns98ck I changed my name because I planted a seed in my W head about this site and how she should check it out. She know's my other name so I changed it. Anyways just wanted to offer you some words of encouragement, I think your doing a good job with the situation. You hang in there and be strong for both of you okay. Still praying for you. Courage is the price that Life exacts for granting peace. Amelia Earhart

I was so freaked on DD. I was buzzing with numbness when Buster called me and told me he'd found out.

I didn't know what to expect.

It's turned out for the best. I'm glad he knows now. It's given us the chance to work on our marriage which seems to have been missing for so long.

Trust hon.

tinman, heidi, thanks for the posts. i am very tired tonight. H decided to go see a friend that wanted H to take photos of some furniture and then they are going to have a drink or two.

at one point H said we would talk tonight, i'm not sure if that is still going to happen now or not, but i'm just not going to worry about it. i'm too tired to worry about it tonight anyway. this will all be here tomorow and the next day and the next. if H really wants to talk, he will get home, if he does not, i'm ok with that. i don't really like the lack of time we have had together since this has all happened but maybe this is best for right now.

FL,
Please see my reply on your other post. I wish I could help more, you sound so defeated. Let's talk a while.
Roman