I wrote a letter to the OW back in 8/03. Sent it in 10/03, but didn't have her current address. I don't know if she got it or not. But it felt good to express my feeling. I've posted it a couple of times on the internet. But for anyone who thinks an EA isn't an A and doesn't hurt, think again. I'd rather he had had just sex than to be in love with someone else.


I just want you to know that your “friendship” with my husband has hurt me very deeply. I do not understand why you and my husband thought there was nothing wrong with calling each other every day at his office. If there was nothing wrong, why couldn’t you call my house? Why was it ok for him to help you with your problems while telling me he couldn’t handle mine? Why was ok for you to give him little gifts to make him happy? Why was your attention to him ok? Why, why, why? I don’t understand any of this.

Why was ok to keep seeing each other after I told my husband that your going out to lunch and seeing each other bothered me? Why do you have the right to see each other without my knowledge? What is so special about your relationship that makes it ok for you two to lie to me? No, I’m not the perfect wife, but neither are you. And he is not the perfect husband. So both of you lying to me was ok. My feelings and emotions weren’t a concern of yours. Your precious “friendship” was what counted that day.

So all of this was ok because you weren’t having sex? No, it wasn’t ok. He broke his bond of trust to me. If I can’t trust my husband, then who can I trust? You and he put your friendship over my marriage. No, it’s not a perfect marriage, but it was only one of two things that matter to me. I have been with him for over 20 years, but that was not important to either one of you last Wednesday. All that mattered were yourselves. NO, your friendship was NOT ok, because you weren’t having sex!! No relationship is ok if to keep to going you hurt others. He was supposed to forsake all others, but I feel like the forsaken one.

I have been crying for three days in a row. Now he and I need to figure out how to put the pieces of our marriage back together and I don’t know how to do it. We had problems with our marriage before you came along. Maybe if I had been a better wife or a better person, he wouldn’t have turned to you for attention. God, I know that I have done so many things wrong in past. I will take responsibility for my mistakes. Before your little lunch the other day, I had been trying with all of my heart to be a better wife, and to put the marriage as my top priority. Now I feel I am a complete failure as a wife.

Before you, I had complete trust in my husband. Now I don’t and I am deeply hurt by that.

I hope to never see or hear from you again. I hope you never contact my husband ever again. If you do contact him, I hope he remembers what he promised me over 20 years ago.

OK, shay - you expressed your feelings, now what are you doing about it all?

Don't write to her again and don't focus on her as the cause of your husband's affair.

Did you express these same feelings to your husband?

Have you done a self critical evaluation to attempt to identify the contributions you made to the poor marital environment that allowed the affair to occur?

Maybe you covered this stuff in another post.

I have been doin alot, actually. I have been Plan A'ing for over a year now.

I have expressed my feelings to H. But since they seemed to think it was ok if he didn't contact her, but she contacted him. Not exactly NC in my book. I'm not focusing on her as THE problem in the marriage. BUT she was in the way of my recovery.

I had dropped the theatre activity that I was over involved with. I have tried to communicate with him. I have been trying to met his EN's and have tried to communicate my needs.

To be truthful, in the past week, I am beginning to think we can work this out.

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: shay919 ]</small>

Also, I have been reading, reading, reading.

The problems with our marriage is that we both are bad at communicating. He has depression and tends to pull away when he is depressed. He thinks being depressed is a weakness that he doesn't want me to see. he has been on many different anti-d's. I only recently realized how serious this was for him. I have told him that I don't veiw it any differently than any other medical condition. I would leave him if he had cancer. I won't leave him for depression.


we both have problems with low self esteem.

I come from a background where I never learned to commmunicate my needs or wants. Family was classic aloholic family. I was verbally abused when I was younger. Many problems on my side of the marriage from this.

I have problems with aniexity and panic. I'm now trying to work on myself, my reactions, and expectations, etc.

The letter was written in 8/03. I've think I've done a lot of work on my side and so has he. Today I wanted closure on the whole affair. He says he has no NC and has gotten rid of the little presents she gave him. I posted the letter one more time to be able to let it go and to move on with our marriage.

Overall he is a good man. Kind, caring, loving. I thought he could not love anymore, I just went on with my life. If he's going to love anyone, I want it to be me.