I just found out 4 days ago that my husband had an affair with a coworker. I caught him and he confessed. They had been together only 6 weeks and just had sex for the first time a week ago. We have been together 11 years as high school sweethearts and are expecting our first child in 4 months. He tells me he is emotionally attached. His reasoning for this affair is that I had a devastating miscarriage and infertility that he could not handle and didn't want to burden me. My question is he has decided to try to work things out with me and has told her. The only problem is they work together. She will be leaving the department in 5 weeks. Do you think anything can be put back together in our marriage while he still sees her at work everyday. I don't know how to act around him. BTW she is married with a son.

OK, durham, you have come to the right place. You have a lot of reasons to be hopeful.

First off, read all you can get your hands on on this site.

Go to the Just Found Out board and read the first two posts on that page by moderator OneGoing.

Next, order two books - Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs, both by Harley. They're available fron the bookstore on this site or from just about any on-line bookseller or walk in bookstore.

Also read the post likned in my sig line below.

OK, let's hope he's being sincere that he wants to work things out with you and he's REALLY told her this. If so, he should write a "no contact" letter to her immediately, specifying that the affair was wrong, he wants to work on his marriage, and that no friendly contact can occur until she leaves, after which no contact can occur whatsoever. You both sign it and YOU mail it - or YOU hand carry it to her at his place of work.

Finally, if he REALLY wants to repair your marriage, invite him to come here and post his questions. If he is humble, he will be compassionately received.

Also, please start researching for a counselor. Ask him to help in this. If he balks, please tell us.

In the meantime, start a self critical evaluation to attempt to identify your contributions to the poor marital environment that allowed the affair to happen.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">His reasoning for this affair is that I had a devastating miscarriage and infertility that he could not handle and didn't want to burden me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is hard to believe - whatever it means. Does he mean he feels the pain of your miscarriage and didn't want to seek comfort from you since you were in pain as well?

Sorry - I don't buy it. Sounds like a contrived reason to me, and a gutless one.

The reason he sought out another person for emotional support was because he was deeply depressed about my miscarriage and body. He felt he caused the miscarriage. He was alone during my surgery and also spoke with no one about his depression from this. I had no idea. I moved on and wanted to be pregnant again. We tried for three months which was became a chore. I then got pregnant and again we could not be intimate together because of my history. Throught all of this he did not speak to anyone about his hurt. This began in August. The affair began 6 weeks ago. The reason is very gutless, but that is what I have to go on for why this happened to our marriage. We haven't had any other problems before the miscarriage. We were very much in love. He states the same thing.

Is he willing to go to counseling?

Has his depresion been diagnosed by a doctor?

Taking your diagnosis on face value, he may have sought refuge in the most convenient place. Any port in a storm. She was the most available "drug."

Regardless of the reasons, you can begin to rebuild following the information here.

But, you need to determine his sincerity in ending the affair. Have you asked him to join you in counseling? If not, please do it and tell us his reaction.

The reason I ask is that many BSs get duped into believing their WS's claims of willingness to "work on the marriage" only to get blindsided later by another d-day. I hope this isn't your case.

Do you know if the husband of the other woman knows what took place?

WAT

Just wanted to lend my support. I discovered my WH's A just a month ago, when I was 5 months pregnant. I've read some posts where people are especially hard of WH's whose wife is pregnant. Know what? A's all are terrible and there is never a good time for one. Sometimes it's the different pressures of life that cause them, sometimes the WS is so sure their invulnerable to an A they can't see the slippery slope their on till it's too late. Whatever. The point I want to make is that an A's is not more evil because the BW is pregnant.

You're going to get a lot of great relationship advice from the veterans, but I'm going to give you pregnancy advice. It's so hard being pregnant and hurt. Sometimes I feel so ugly and unprotected. Doesn't help that my OW is 95 lbs. with a great *** lack of respect for marriage, values, and family.

So here are some things that I'm doing to make me feel special:

Do your hair every day. Wear make-up. Take long walks. Enjoy warm baths (the loofa thingy is nice). Buy a cute maternity outfit. Exercise the parts of your body that are still flexible (I like to work on my legs, arms, and butt). Paint your nails. Try to eat healthy, I lost about 5 lbs. in the first month after discovery so whenever you have an appetite - give the baby good food. Don't forget your vitamins! Sleep (exercise and sex will help with this). Go out on dates. Buy flowers for your home. Have a confidant that supports your marriage (we both are using our pastor). Take a fun community class or engage in a hobby.

Anyway, these are things that are helping me survive day to day. I'd like to say that I'm not thinking about it all of the time, but I don't have that control yet. We are in a better place now than d-day (2/13) but I had no concept of the "labor of love" until now. It's a lot harder than the labor of delivery.

We have went to one counseling session together and he is very willing. He also has said he will go on his own which I am suggesting next. I believe that he has ended the relationship because he has been very open with me about everything. He states that she needs to figure out her life and he does his. He doesn't want to have regrets later. One being that I am pregnant. That being said at this early stage I think he is still very confused and still in the passion of her. He has told me it isn't going to be easy until she leaves. Do you think we can really work on the marriage considering he goes to work everyday and sees her. He has to work with her for another 5 weeks. One of the things I have read is that all contact has to be disconnected before the next step. I don't really have a choice in this matter. In the meantime do I follow plan A until she leaves? Another thing that doens't help is that we were high school sweethearts and he has never been with anyone else emotionally or physically. I have.

Loy,
Thank you for the advice. So nice to hear from someone else who is pregnant. I am trying to be very strong through all of this. He is really more of a wreck. I have support from two people who will not judge either of us and also a great counselor. I have made a choice to pick myself up and go on with life. I can't change what has happened nor what will happen but I am in charge of my own happiness. I have really hard moments but I get through them or call someone and talk. What do you think about the fact that they still work together for five more weeks? Our counselor has said to start trying to mend, date, and reconnect. At this point I am trying to do that but I question whether it is worth my time. He still isn't over her. How long did it take your husband to get over the withdraw and did you see a change in him for the sake of working on your marriage. Right now it is sooo early.

WAT-About the other woman. I have met her twice. She has stated to my husband many reasons why she loves him. Her marriage has been crap for about 6 years and she has a 5 year old son. Her husband does not know about this. She is supposed to get counseling in order to figure out her life. She also said she was going to talk with her husband aobut their issues. I would love to call him as I have met him. The only problem is that would cause more trouble for myself. He works at the same place they do. Currently no one else knows about the affair. I don't want to jeoprodize a career etc. Also if he throws her out she will just want my husband more than she does now. Do you agree??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by durham76:
<strong>Do you think we can really work on the marriage considering he goes to work everyday and sees her. He has to work with her for another 5 weeks. One of the things I have read is that all contact has to be disconnected before the next step. I don't really have a choice in this matter. In the meantime do I follow plan A until she leaves?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you have an excellent chance for restoring your marriage to being better than before. Working with her another 5 weeks is a challenge - all the more reason for a no contact letter. Please insist on this.

What you have read is generally correct - all contact must cease. In your case, the contact must be limited to business only until OW leaves and permanent thereafter. Can your H commit to this? If so, he should have no trouble with a NC letter.

Follow Plan A for the rest of your life. Seek out your H's emotional needs, fill them to a reasonable extent, always seek your faults and correct them. Plan A for life.

Loy is correct - husband affairs during pregnancy are very common and bizarre situations - miscarriage or not. This is why I am skeptical of your H's explanation. Get into counseling pronto. Whatever the REAL rason - nip it in the bud.

WAT

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by durham76:
<strong>About the other woman. I have met her twice. She has stated to my husband many reasons why she loves him. Her marriage has been crap for about 6 years and she has a 5 year old son. Her husband does not know about this. She is supposed to get counseling in order to figure out her life. She also said she was going to talk with her husband aobut their issues. I would love to call him as I have met him. The only problem is that would cause more trouble for myself. He works at the same place they do. Currently no one else knows about the affair. I don't want to jeoprodize a career etc. Also if he throws her out she will just want my husband more than she does now. Do you agree?? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I suggest that you keep this in your hip pocket for a very short while. Once we are ABSOLUTELY sure your H is commited to your marriage and agrees to a no contact letter and actually sends one with your approval of its contents and your signature, then you should tell OW's husband. The BEST way for this to happen is to send him a copy of the NC letter at the same time as it goes to OW. 5 weeks is a short time in infidelity space, but test your H by suggesting he write a NC letter immediately. Business only until she leaves, NONE afterwards. If he doesn't agree, you should consider informing her H immediately. Affairs thrive on secrecy - very often the light of day causes them to end. SAA (Surviving An Affair) describes this in logical detail.

Who told you she is "supposed to get counseling"? Your husband?

Don't believe a thing he says until he's willing to go to counsleing AND write a NC letter.

Don't be duped.

Everything you have described so far is classic, classic, classic, typical, typical, typical affair stuff. We can recite it in our sleep. They all do the same sort of stuff. Read around this forum and you'll see. Very spooky. That's why I can speak from confidence. Others will abck me up here.

WAT

I would start trying to date and reconnect. This is a chance for both of you to spend time together and relax. You both are starting an exhausting journey and just being together and having nice times will help. I need to remember this as well...it's so easy to obsess.

MY H is getting over her, but he's trying to stay focused on me. I think it gets easier but there are still some tough days.

talk to you soon.