It has been a month now since, I had to come clean with my wife. She caught me a backed me into a corner. I am glad that part is over. There is nothing more to hide from her. I still am not sure why things happened, I would still say we have a great marriage. We have a connection that is unlike any other I have ever seen. But there have been some recent tragedies in my life, that I choose to deal with alone... and maybe I felt so alone...I acted alone.

I don't know, the reason for this post is. I am looking for something that can help her. She says see might not be able to get past this and might not ever let it go. Is there anything that I can get for her to read or something that can help this. She is very up and down, some days are good and things look positive and other days I have never seen her so negative.

Thanks in advance

Hi lonc_25

Welcome to MB

Is there anyway you can direct her to MB?

We can help I think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well let's see, have you apologized every day at least once? Have you told her you must have been completely out of your mind? Have you told her you will do anything as long as it takes, to be able to keep her as your wife?

Have you answered all of her questions openly and honestly? Have you opened up your life to her, such as voicemail and cellphone passwords? Do you call her several times during the day and make sure she always knows where you are?

If you are doing those things, you are headed in the right direction.

In the meantime, send her to us and let us help her through this.

Can you go to the bookstore and buy "Surviving an Affair" by Harley?

Have you ended all contact with the other woman? Have you told your wife WHO the OW is?

Thanks for all your replies...

I have opened up to her totally. She has asked about details, and I do mean DETAILS. I have told her everything, no matter how difficult. I work with the OW, but we are no longer on speaking terms.

I tell her repeatedly that I love her and I am trying to give her space. But everytime we are apart she gets cold and more upset. When I am there to talk to her, things are better and I feel we are working on things together. She is still living with her mother. We have three children together. 3, 2 and 3 months... its hard to talk about them, it makes me feel like more of a monster.

I will try to get her the book, however, I am a little worried about sending her here to this forum. I am a little nervous about what others will tell her. If you look at the facts, I am a horrible person. But I really don't want to live like that anymore.

I think it is a wonderful idea to send her to this website. She will find a great support network from loving and caring people. We may be strangers - just cyberspace friends - but we really, really care and want to see marriages survive.

When I first discovered this website, I told my husband about it but I do not think he has ever surfed it. I wish he would. There is so much to learn here. Some things go against what I would've done had I not know the practices preached here (and I use the word "preached" loosely - not religiously. I dope I don't offend anyone.)

Good luck.

If you still work with the OW, your chance of a real recovery is not good. It will be a constant reminder to your wife. My H found his OW another job (she was his employee). His counselor told him there is no way our marriage would make it otherwise.

I suggest you ask her to read Torn Asunder. It is a great book. Counseling is important, as is total honesty on your part. Time is important too. Some say it takes from 2-5 years. Good luck and keep posting

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lonc_25:
<strong>

I will try to get her the book, however, I am a little worried about sending her here to this forum. I am a little nervous about what others will tell her. If you look at the facts, I am a horrible person. But I really don't want to live like that anymore. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, you are NOT a horrible person! A horrible person wouldn't CARE about fixing their marriage. You are doing [almost] everything you can to restore your marriage. And that is what we will tell her. We want to assure her that she CAN have a happy marriage with you post-affair, with a lot of work.

This is a PRO-MARRIAGE forum, Lonc. While the rest of the world will say "dump the [censored]," we will help her see the opportunities here. We will help her see the GOOD in a man who admits and recognizes his mistakes!

I will tell you that your continued contact with the OW is a huge threat to her and your marriage. As long as you are still in ANY CONTACT with the OW, your recovery is in jeaopardy.

That is why Harley recommends ending contact at ALL costs. She can't even begin to trust you as long a you are still working with her. Every time you see the OW will put your W back to DAY ONE in recovery. She will never feel safe and NEVER recover as long as you are still seeing the OW.

One good first step would be to send the OW a no contact letter with the assisstance and approval of your W. That goes a very long way in rebuilding trust. This gesture is very reassuring and curative in the recovery process. Here are some examples: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=003686#000003

Do you have children?

I have asked her if she would like me to get another job, and as a matter of fact, I found two within the first week. But she said there will always be OW's out there and it doesn't matter where I work.

Oh dear, I see that you do have little ones. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Please don't call yourself a monster, Lonc. You are not a monster. A monster would have no remorse and wouldn't care about his family. I can see that you do care very much.

While there is no excuse for adultery,[and I don't see you making excuses] I will just tell you that often spouses have affairs when their needs are not being met at home. Whatever happened here will eventually have to be addressed with your wife. What do you think happened in the marriage that led to this?

I agree with the no contact with the OW. I have told her already that we should only comunicate on a professional level, nothing personal anymore. Not even a "How was your weekend" question. Also, I think after being caught the OW does not want anything to do with me, we have passed each other in the hall and see will not even look. Which is fine by me.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lonc_25:
<strong> I have asked her if she would like me to get another job, and as a matter of fact, I found two within the first week. But she said there will always be OW's out there and it doesn't matter where I work. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lonc, it does matter VERY MUCH. There is one OW and she is at your current place of business, nowhere else. As long as you are still working with her, your chances of recovery are next to nil. It will be like playing Russian Roulette.

But she is partially right, there will be other OWs out there if you don't find out why this one happened.

However, as it stands NOW, there are NOT OW's at those other places, there IS one where you work NOW. And that is the problem.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lonc_25:
<strong> I agree with the no contact with the OW. I have told her already that we should only comunicate on a professional level, nothing personal anymore. Not even a "How was your weekend" question.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It makes no difference. Contact is still contact. Acting professional doesn't erase your history. Pretending like you are not lovers will not erase that truth.

That is hard to answer... my wife is MORE than willing at home. Which makes what I have done even worse. But if you want to know my opinion... Last May my youngest brother was killed in a car accident, I didn't and still haven't come to terms with that yet. My wife lost her father before we got together. I knew it was tough for her. So I did not want to discuss my brother or my feelings with her. I didn't want to bother her, and I thought I could handle it alone. Well, my wife and I have always been very close, but when I started to feel like I was alone and no one knew how I felt I acted like I was alone...selfish. I think I was looking for something to fill the void inside me...confidence, ego, acceptance...I don't know. The other thing is... well this woman was not even that attractive. I mean, if it was purely sexual, I would have looked for a more actractive person. So I am confused by my actions and I know that she is too. She wants to understand this before she can work on it.

Lonc, see an affair is often an addiction and as long as the spouse is in touch with the affair partner, he never withdraws and the temptation is always there. It also makes it almost impossible for the BS to ever recover because trust can never be restored.

From Harley:

"Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

Look at M.S.'s husband. Here he is, thousands of miles from his lover, and yet he still feels compelled to call her. Can you imagine the trouble M.S. would have had separating them if they had not moved? Their move was the best thing that could have happened to their marriage because it not only revealed the affair, but it also set up the conditions that would make ending it possible -- total separation. "

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lonc_25:
<strong> That is hard to answer... my wife is MORE than willing at home. Which makes what I have done even worse. But if you want to know my opinion... Last May my youngest brother was killed in a car accident, I didn't and still haven't come to terms with that yet. My wife lost her father before we got together. I knew it was tough for her. So I did not want to discuss my brother or my feelings with her. I didn't want to bother her, and I thought I could handle it alone. Well, my wife and I have always been very close, but when I started to feel like I was alone and no one knew how I felt I acted like I was alone...selfish. I think I was looking for something to fill the void inside me...confidence, ego, acceptance...I don't know. The other thing is... well this woman was not even that attractive. I mean, if it was purely sexual, I would have looked for a more actractive person. So I am confused by my actions and I know that she is too. She wants to understand this before she can work on it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lonc, I am very sorry about your little brother. My own 18 year old boy was killed in a car accident 4 years ago so I know the horror and pain that you feel inside. How old was your brother?

I don't know what happened in your marriage, but something did and I think a good first start would getting that book we told you about: Surviving an Affair. At some point it will be important to find out what happened. For now, we can work on getting your W back.

He was 20 when he was killed, he would have been 21 last Sunday March, 21st.

I will order the book today... and yes we need to get my wife back. Its been a month with her living at her mothers with the kids. I understand that my pain is "self-inflicted" but it is still hard.

longc, you are doing the right thing, being here. I hope your W can forgive you. I too am waiting for my H to decide what is going to happen now. I just told him last sunday about A. I am praying he will find a way to still be with me.

peace to you

I just ordered "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs". I hope these two can help my situation. Sometimes she is so close to coming home, but she is waiting for something to tell her its the right thing to do. I know she still loves me and she says that she misses me everyday. Then there are days that she thinks about all the details that she wanted to know in the first place. And I get things like..."I have come to the conclusion, that I don't need you". I try to agree with her, she probally doesn't NEED me. But I remind her that its a question abou the quality of life, not survival of life.

I am sorry to hear about you and tour position, you will now be in my prayers daily. I hope all works out for you.