Read "Pardon, I f'g hate him!!!"

He calls at 1, as usual (he gets up right before he has to be at work).

Says he loves me.

I say if he did love me, he wouldn't have done what he did Friday night after we had come to an agreement prior. I also said if it is because alcohol is involved, then we need to discuss alcohol as well. (He hadn't drank in a long time and then started drinking when he started new job and taking clients out, thus, the A w/a client.)

Fast forward a year later and he hasn't gone out drinking except for one night when his brother got back from Iraq. He gets w/a group of people and has a few and he throws caution to the wind again.

I TOLD HIM I'M DONE. I feel like OW now trying to break away and am just setting myself up w/another failure if I believe him when he says, "I love you" because his actions are speaking VOLUMES. I did pray that night for a sign. I got the sign when WH waltzed in at 4 am.

PLEASE, SUGGESTIONS? DO I THROW IN THE TOWEL?

I feel like I'm in the fog now. That I can't see what is right before me -- a WH who doesn't give a rat's a** about my feelings.

Why am I even giving him a chance to plead his case again? It only took him 4 years into the M to stray and right after I gave birth, no less. And now it's only taken him a year since D-day to do something so blatantly -- like a slap in the face -- something to show me again that he doesn't give a crap about my feelings or that my feelings are justified.

Please, please, you guys, throw me a life preserver or a 2x4 or a fog horn to get me out of this place!!!!

<small>[ March 22, 2004, 04:03 PM: Message edited by: SoDisappointed ]</small>

i wish i could throw out a decent lifeline but unfortunately i can't. I was really frustrated at first when i started posting because i wasn't getting replies. i just kept posting and posting, trying to think of good subject lines to get others to look at my post (you'll notice i have quite a few posts under general questions). Yours got me!

i'm sorry your here and not getting a lot of replies. some times i just reply to myself (i just type ^) to get the topic to be the most active. prayers to you.

I am no expert. I will give you my moral support. hang in here, experts will come. Stay calm, don't make any decision now.

and remember YOU ASKED WHAT I THOUGHT...

First lets just say that we can try to get things through demanding and attempting to control...or we can try to get what we want through understanding and seeing both sides to issues and concerns....

we can certainly demand fidelity and honesty and truth and whole host of other things...and in some cases we even may get them...
but getting these things through demands and getting them through both spouses valueing these things and reconizing eachothers need for these things...are two seperate things eh...

I read your something ain't right post...and also found it full of LB's on your part...and others pointed it out...

here in this post I find LBS and quite a few control issue/demands..
including

you tell him who he can and can not drive in his car...

you challenge him about the money issue...which I understand is a big issue...BUT when attempting to solve something and the past way hasn't worked...change the tactic of repair...beating the same dead horse isn't helping the environment.....

you both say stupid stuff about his peers at work
knowing about "you"...
and yet you have a friend over that you are talking about him to...then call a friend in the middle of the night..feeling threatened..which wasn't clear to me...I'm sorry but either you are clearly being threatened and you get out...or you are not..and anything else is crying wolf....

and then you power struggle with a drunk person....

whooooo...lots of drama going on....

which continues in to the next day....

sodissa...you need to step back and re-evaluate your role and environment you are creating to get the things you want...

WH woke around 2 pm and starts sorting laundry (what he was supposed to do on Friday)
who is supposed to sort laundry on a Friday... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
and again to focused on every little thing he does wrong....


so where am I going...

you have to look at the environment that you create and participate in to get what it is you desire....

fair ? nope

look at the picture of how one issue...husband wants to go out with friends for a bachelor/ette party....

and look what it ballooned into on both of your parts..

neither handled this one tiny issue very well at all....

you gotta go back to basics....

My impression is that you both are just ready to battle over every issue....

the stress must be amazing...

well I'll leave it at that...cause I am not trying to attack you..
I'm just concerned that as much as you want to say he is not in recovery...
I'm not sure you aren't over the anger enough either or that you see recovery only as changes he needs to do...

ARK

ARK,

I know I was LB'g but he has been taking advantage of me since D-day.

Why sit there in the counselor's office and discuss boundaries and POJA and EN's only to have them not met.

No, I wasn't say who could or could not drive his car. He said he was going to a club that was 30 minutes from where he was and he had already been drinking. If he drove and drove home from club that would have been another 30 minute drive after more drinks. If he rode w/someone and then they took him back to where they were, then he was going to have to drive home after drinking on a very well-traveled route for 40 minutes after drinking. He would also be driving w/an expired license and a warrant out for his arrest. If he got pulled over for drunk driving on top of all that --

Re my Something Ain't Right post. This has been his bahavior since D-day. He's never consistent. He'll be nice when he wants something and then as soon as he gets what he wants, he's back to only sleeping and going to work. That's why I was hesitant to have sex w/him. PLUS I'm not suppose to be having sex w/him because he has HPV and hasn't made the appt to go to the dr to have the warts removed. I'm not willing to go through another surgery and/or increase my risk for cervical cancer.

And when I'm typing what I am saying to him, I'm not raising my voice. Like in response to him saying he did love me. I said that he wouldn't continue doing what he does if he really did love me in a soft tone of voice.

RE $$. He spends so much without POJA'g the issue that I'm stuck eating P&J sandwiches or beans. Just prior to him going out and spending $70 on drinks and a topless bar, I had been eating from a pot of beans all week.

Really, how much am I suppose to let him walk all over me?

I do come here to vent. I don't yell at him. I do ask why. Why ask me to budget the money if he is going to blow it every 2 weeks?

Literally, he gets up at 1 Mon-Thurs, takes a shower, goes to work, gets home and lays on sofa watching movies on USA or TNT until he falls asleep. I don't get that luxury and no, it's not about tit for tat I'm just explaining what our everyday life is like. Friday he has off. He sleeps all day. I had asked to please do laundry on Fridays as we only have Saturdays to be family w/kids and what he doesn't get done on Friday, I'll finish on Sunday. But, no, he sleeps all day and gets up around 5 p, takes a shower and meets us at McD's because that is the kid's time. As soon as we get home from McD's, he nods off on the sofa w/the kids while I'm the one cleaning up the kitchen and getting dishes into dishwasher so they'll have clean sippy cups by Saturday am.

Saturday am he sleeps as late as he can while I'm starting the laundry, feeding the kids, and getting them dressed to go grocery shopping. Oh, and I had asked for him to do grocery shopping on Fridays as it's a huge pain in the bu** to take a 1 1/2 yr old and 3 1/2 year old to Wal Mart as they try to climb out of basket and whine and cry all through the shopping process. He doesn't like for me to leave them w/him so he comes along. We take groceries home, eat lunch and then try to take kids to park or something. WH will try to nap in between these times (usually falls asleep in the car). Saturday nights, I'll ask if I can go to bed early but usually can't because he wants me to get at least one of the kids down first. I don't complain, I do it. He'll tell kids he'll be up in am to go to church.

8 out of 10x, no. I'll have the kids all ready to go to church and he will either reluctantly get up or say he's going to sleep in. If he gets up to go to church w/us, we eat lunch on way home and he goes in and tries to get more sleep in before work (2 pm). I start the cleaning of the apt process and laundry, etc.

I understand about the Plan A, I did that all in the beginning and he just thought, good, that didn't take long for her to be over the A and we are back to the same R we had prior to A.

Well, we know that R wasn't good enough, was it?

We filled out the questions, etc. and he never looked at them again. He was just doing them because I asked.

Yes, there was a friend over that I was talking to about him. The discussion was whether or not I should go to the party. She said I shouldn't go where I'm not wanted. She's known WH since I started dating him. She doesn't know everything. I told her he told me I wasn't invited and it hurt my feelings. I didn't bad mouth him or anything. She has kept her feelings about him to herself. She only said what I said above.

I called her that night because he had me so upset be threatening me about the kids. I'm sorry but that causes me great anxiety. You lose a child and then tell me this won't cause anxiety if your spouse says this to you. So, no he hadn't hit me or anything but that is not why I called her. I called her to remove myself from him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> BUT when attempting to solve something and the past way hasn't worked...change the tactic of repair...beating the same dead horse isn't helping the environment.....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did that. Quit even mentioning it for a while and he just spent more.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> you have to look at the environment that you create and participate in to get what it is you desire....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is why I asked for separation because we are both at the point where we are talking to brick walls. He plays the game of doing what hurts me most and doing the exact opposite of what we talk about. I guess I'm playing the controller.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> look at the picture of how one issue...husband wants to go out with friends for a bachelor/ette party....
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He didn't say that's what he was doing. He said he was going to dinner w/people from work and a couple of drinks. I told him I was going to try and come. When I talked to him and told him I wasn't coming, I just asked that he please come in at a decent hour as we had promised son to take him swimming on Saturday.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My impression is that you both are just ready to battle over every issue....

the stress must be amazing...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is for me and I have to start looking out for me. I cannot be this stressed around the kids all the time any more. I'm up at 6 am every day, 7 days a week, and usually up 1 or 2 times during the night on top of that as 1 1/2 yr old has asthma and the 3 1/2 yr old is just WILD. I'm living as single parent already. I am the one going to the doctor visits, day care conferences, etc. While WH gets to sleep. It's one thing to be a single parent and it's another to be a single parent who is married and has it thrown in her face every day that we are not a priority.

I'm sure he thinks and says I'm controlling and all together unhappy person but I'm not. I love my kids and my job. But I AM responsible and accept the fact that I am a parent and do what I have to do to provide for my kids.

So, I don't know. I did read your post and am not taking it as an attack. Yes, I LB'd a lot in the past couple of weeks but (and, yes, I hate the word "but") I knew what he was leading up to as he is just like our 3 1/2 yr old son.

I haven't LB'd since then. I am stopping all contact. Will talk to him if he contacts me. I left a note Sunday saying we needed to discuss the rest of the issues and find time for that and what he wants to get out of this separation. Does he want it to be a trial separation or a step stone to divorce?

I have not received a response yet and I'm not going to ask for it. I think it's a pretty hefty topic to discuss and believe his actions speak volumes -- I think by not responding as of yet shows that our M is not a priority.

I know I was LB'g but he has been taking advantage of me since D-day.

No one can control you without your consent...

as much as that sounds like admonishment..it is also empowering...
it frees you being part of the game and trap from this minute forward...

If you truly believe that you are and have been in a false recovery..or if he has confused ending an affair with "fixing" a marriage...then you have the right to stop all the chaos and decide

do you start over again and try
or do you cut your losses...and only you can answer that...
but what you want to do regardless of your answer is figure out how to obtain and maintain your own dignity through this so that you don't sucked down into the muck as well...wallowing in the unfairness of it all...
it will not serve you well...

and this is not said without compassion for there is nothing wrong with you deciding you can not go on with him...
but more importantly you need to decide you can not go on THIS way right now...

my suggestion says ark in a very unlikely marriagebuilders way....
LOSE HIS SORRY BUTT>.....
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

He would also be driving w/an expired license and a warrant out for his arrest. If he got pulled over for drunk driving on top of all that --

PLUS I'm not suppose to be having sex w/him because he has HPV and hasn't made the appt to go to the dr to have the warts removed.

honestly....
disregard my other post...I will gladly delete it..
print it out and I will eat my words...if you prefer.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
use in a ritualistic burning when you purge his belongings from the home...

but I say go for it...
get away from him.....with as much dignity and absence of powerstruggling as you can...
blessings to you..
my heart aches for you over the loss of your child...
his threats are laughable though painful...
draw strength that you remain the only consistant grownup in the childrens life...

illicit family and friends help and move on...

ARK

<small>[ March 23, 2004, 12:57 PM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

I understand exactly what you are going through. I have been living like that for the last 6 years.

No matter what we "agreed" on, H continued doing what he wanted. He would just blow the money, and then there was never any left when I wanted to do something.

For the last 6 Christmases, we had no money. Right before Christmas each year, he needed a new motor for his Harley, a new gun, to co-sign for his kids moms apartment (for 5th time), you name it, something more important (TO HIM) always came up.

It seems to me you are making all the effort and your WH is making none. It is a bad place to be.

Thanks Ark.

Believer,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> No matter what we "agreed" on, H continued doing what he wanted. He would just blow the money, and then there was never any left when I wanted to do something.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's why we haven't been to counseling since November and why we definitely couldn't ever call he Harleys.

I've left the note re we need to discuss all the other issues until our lease is up. It will be like Plan B but he will be in the house. He works evenings so I don't see him anyway. He hadn't responded to my note as of this morning. He tried calling before leaving for work. I was not at my desk.

I did notice on the bank account that he used the bank card to get gas and cigs even though he didn't deposit any extra $$ than what was needed for bills. He said that if I have to get stuff for kids or we all go out to eat (like McD's on Friday night) that he will pay me half at that time. So why is he using bank card? He said his check was XX amount and he deposited $200 less, so why didn't he use part of his $200? Is this suppose to be a test? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I told him I opened a separate account and the existing account was for bill paying PERIOD.

I ain't saying nothing -- I just typed up a bank journal and will put it on the kitchen counter every Friday am so he'll know where he's at and how much he needs to put back into the pot.

The weekends are going to be what is hard. I'm going to try and alternate Friday evenings like a real separation. Saturday the kids have a b-day party to go to and Sunday is the company picnic and I'm not going to tell him he's not invited.

Last night he called to say goodnight to kids. When they handed me phone back, WH says, "I just called to say goodnight to the kids but I want to talk. Can you call me after you put D to bed?" I said okay even though I told him I was no longer calling him at work.

I called. He said, "I'm w/a customer can you call me back?" I said, "No. I said I was no longer calling your work." I didn't say spiteful just as a statement. He said, "Okay. I'll type a response to your note and will call you tomorrow." I said, "Okay."

This morning, no response. Why did I even have a fraction of belief that there just might be one?

Why did I even have a fraction of belief that there just might be one?
Hope for the best <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> , expect the worst <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> .

That's what I was doing. I woke up about 15 minutes before the kids do. I tip-toed out of the room in hopes of finding a response and having time to read it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />