I am so sad. Today is two weeks since I've last spoken with my husband. He told me I could call him if I wanted to keep him updated on my breast mass ordeal because he said he still cares about what happens to me and my health no matter what I think. If he cared about my well being he wouldn't have **** on our sacred marriage vows!
(Well, he doesn't answer the phone when I call him anyway. I mean before the NC in the last 2 weeks.)

I found out today that my MRI still shows the mass and the radiologist at this other place (2nd opinion radiologist) suggests I have the lump removed because they still cannot tell if it isn't benign. Great, huh? So, here I am pretty sure I may have breast cancer and I have to go through this crap alone. I am really starting to get bitter - a place I said I would not be.

I am on vacation all week and so is my husband. I wish I knew whether he was home or away. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he didn't make any travel plans, but he wasn't honest about making travel plans in January so I guess I shouldn't expect him to be honest now.

You know, if it was him in the position I am in, I wouldn't care about anything except his health and what he was doing about it. I wonder if my husband doesn't love me and want to call me to ask about my health, than what's the use? I almost wish it is breast cancer so I can slowly let it eat away at me since my heart is already being torn out a little bit more everyday that we are apart. This isn't suppose to be my life. I was not supposed to end up like my parents did - divorced. My husband, who waited 8 years to propose to me, wasn't supposed to cheat on me and kick me out of our wonderful home less than 3 years after he promised me a lifetime of happiness, faithfulness, children and love.

I am grateful that a have a few friends that know about my health ordeal and they always ask if I've heard anything whenever I see them, but then they ask how my husband feels about all of this and I have to tell them I haven't spoken with him in 2 weeks. They say he hasn't called you to at least ask about the mass? I say no, usually with tears in my eyes that I cannot stop from coming. Then they think he is nuts. It makes me feel good that they do not agree with how he is behaving, but they also know this isn't like him and are wondering what the hell is going through his head!!

I am sorry for the rant but I am just at my wit's end. I love my husband and I miss him dearly. I just want to be back in my warm home with him in my arms.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I would just stay in Plan B. It gets better the longer you go. However I understand your sadness and fear because you need him at this time.

However there are many others in your situation. All I can say is hang in there - get the lump removed, it may be fine. Then at least that won't be on your mind.

Whether you will want your WH back again or not is hard to tell. The more hurt that I went through, the less I cared it I ever saw him again.

Keep posting, and we will help you through this.

Hi, Believer -

Somehow I knew I would hear from you on this thread - and I am glad that I did!

Plan B (I didn't do a letter) is so damn hard! Especially when there is a NEED to have your WH be near and to talk with. But, I know that I cannot break the NC on my end. It would make the last 2 weeks of stopping myself from dialing our telephone number worthless.

I sit here wondering if he is enjoying his freedom? Can he look at his face in the mirror in the morning and not see disgust with what he's done to our life? Is he enjoying not having me around? Making him dinner? Doing his laundry? Going food shopping? Just smelling my perfume linger in the house long after I've left for the day? Does he miss our cat? Is he sleeping alone? Is he dating? Is he screwing around with someone again? Is he going out drinking all of the time now? I have so many questions that I don't have answers to!!!

I know I've made a lot of disrespectful judgements in my last posts, but damn it, I am worth it!

I am so sick of the sickening dreams I've been having about him and his whore. I am sick of the shame and humiliation that I still feel when I run into a friend who knows, I am sick of the agony I feel in my heart that he could do this to our marriage and I am sick about what the future holds.

I am so glad that I can come here and get wonderful support from all of you wonderful people. I honestly don't know what I would do if I hadn't found this website!!

I am in plan B also for 17 days now. Total darkness. I am also feeling everything you are feeling except it is getting less and less everyday. I have good days and I have bad days. I wonder if he thinks about me, I wonder if he misses me and the house. I wonder who he is and where my H went? I think all those same things you do. You are not on an island.

NY

Hi, Hopeful -

We are pretty much in the same boat, huh?

This sucks!

Hang in there and if you need support you can always email me instead of picking up the telephone to him!!

ICNAFM,

You didnt' do a Plan B letter?
What's to keep your H from thinking you're so mad at him and totally done with the M that you can't bring yourself to speak to him?
How is he supposed to know you're protecting your love for him, in hopes of rebuilding the M?

Plan B is done to protect your love for your H, not to get revenge against him. Without a Plan B letter, how will your H know which you're doing? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi, Turtlehead:

I sent the following email to my husband on 02-16-2004. Although he has signed on to AOL numerous times since (and has stayed online for a long time), he still hasn't read the email because I haven't received the return receipt back yet. He has read other emails I have sent him, but not this one with the subject line of "I Am Sooooo Sorry":

*****

My Dearest Husband:

I am so sorry for upsetting you and making you angry at me. I did nothing intentional. I know you do not believe that as you said last night, but I swear on the life of little ****** **** (our kitty's name) that it is the truth.

I know you are mad that your extramarital affair with ****** (OW's name) was "outted" to your family. I am sorry, but those people love you very much and I asked them to please help you through your depression over our situation. It is obvious that my love for you alone wasn't helping you feel better about yourself. Please know your family wants to try to help you any way they can. If you would've read the "Surviving An Affair" book that I bought you, you would know that extramarital affairs need to be told to everyone in a person's family to stop the destructive actions that you were engaging in.

I left an apology message on our home phone and your cell phone. I wanted to make sure you got them. I will not contact you again, unless it is an emergency. A true emergency as you would define one. :-)

Please remember and know that I still have as much love for you as the day we took our sacred vows as man and wife. Please take care of your health and look in the mirror and say to yourself "I am loved" and "I am worth it".

I only ask that you do not forget me or hate me. I will always come home to you if you were to ask. I can only pray that you will forgive me and not shut me out of your heart forever.

All My Love -
***** (ICNAFM)
Your Loving, Faithful Wife

************8

I sent that email on 02-16-2004 because on 02-15-2004 I told his brother and his parents of his affair. He was hiding it from them, telling them I didn't want to have children and he did, and also we had too many disagreements about too many things that we couldn't work out. Of course that isn't true, as I had an appointment with a fertility specialist and we have been together for 12 years - we don't really disagree on anything!

Anyway, he went freakin' ballistic after I called them. His dirty little secret was out to his family that thinks he is a golden boy. I didn't call them to intentionally expose. I called his brother because I missed talking to him (he's a wonderful guy) and after 2 hours on the phone, he asked me what the real deal with our separation is because my husband isn't talking. So I told him. I then called my in-laws to apologize for anything I have done in the past that made them feel like they weren't that important to us. His mom then told me about what my husband told her of the reason he wanted to separate. She also told me he wouldn't talk to them about anything else. No wonder. I broke down in tears and asked them he really didn't tell you about his affair? I thought he might have when he was down for a visit with them in January. I also toldd them the OW is pregnant and it is unclear as to whether the child is her fiance's or my husband's at this point. When I tell you my husband was pissed off, he was really pissed off.

So, he just was online (he's on my Buddy List) and he didn't attempt any contact with me. Oh well. I already planned that I wouldn't acknowledge any attempts at instant message contact from his.

So, that's my story on the Plan B thing.

I hope that clears up any questions.

Take care.

Thanks for clarifying.

It's hard to say if you've really given him the Plan B letter because he hasn't read the email.

A sticky wicket, to be sure. I'm not sure if I'd break NC to hand him a letter in person or just let it lie. Maybe some experienced Plan B-ers will chime in.

Hi, TH -

You are welcome. I do not want to break no contact right now to hand him a Plan B letter or even through the mail.

I know he will have to at least try to contact me at some point because of our tax refund coming soon - it is directly deposited into his checking account. I have a feeling he may just not give it to me and make me come to him to beg for it. He knows I need the money. To make matters worse, he didn't give me the money he has been giving me every month to help me with my rent. He knows I need that money for the bills and I have told him in the past I can only pay for this apartment because of the money he gives me every month. He usually pays it on the 15th of the month. Here we are on the 24th and nothing. That isn't like him at all. He has never paid a bill late in his life.

Why do I think he isn't helping me this month? Because I will not sign the separation agreement we drew up that he forced me to do. Why? Because I told him when we drew it up it was under false pretenses. I didn't know about his affair then. The night we sat down and talked about it he must've received 5 cell phone calls from his OW. I know because I had the cell phone bill. Plus, that was the night he went to a bachelor party and stayed out all night with her.

He was so desperate to get my signature on the separation agreement before the affair got out in the open. I also told him I need to talk to a lawyer because if this OW's baby turns out to be his, I need to protect myself and what I am entitled to. From what I understand, if it is his, my salary can be taken into account when it comes to child support because we are married. No way can I let that happen. I work too damn hard and travel too damn far to let his f*** up bring me down even further.

The money that he has been paying me every month was in the proposed separation agreement. I guess this is his way of trying to firce me to sign it. I will beg and borrow before I sign that agreement at this point.

Ugh!!!!

I am at a hotel right now and I need to get in the shower and check out. I had some money set aside to buy some things for my apartment and I decided since I am on vacation this week, I drove an hour away from home to where the good stores are located to just try to forget about things for a while and get this apartment in order.

Have a good day. I will check the website when I get back to the apartment tonight. I miss my kitty!!

Just an update:

In the mail today at my post office box, the only mail I received was a big envelope from my husband. It contained my paycheck stub mailed to my home from my work, my eye doctor appointment reminder card, a copy of a bill submitted to my health insurance for my breast mass testing and an envelope with the check (dated 03-15-2004) he gives me to help with my rent. The big envelope was postmarked 03-22-2004 - with two "Love" stamps. That made me gag.

The pay stub is 2 weeks old tomorrow, the eye doctor card was dated that I noticed and the insurance bill copy was post dated 03-12-2004. He has had this mail since then so why didn't he get it to me before this?

The big envelope had my street address but the town incorrect on the front. It also looks like a sticker was removed from the front of the envelope. I have a feeling it was returned to him as undeliverable and then he just took it to our post office and had them put it in my post office box. There was nothing related to my post office box on the envelope. That's my guess anyway.

So, I guess I jumped the gun getting pissed that he wasn't going to help me this month. Maybe I am justified because he writes the check on the 15th of the month and I didn't get it (well, he didn't attempt to mail it) until the 22nd. He has a key to my apartment and has came and went at his liesure before, so I do not know why he didn't this month. Who knows?? I still feel bad for *****ing.

I can't believe it has been almost 3 weeks (on this Monday) since we've spoken. Is he forgetting me by now? I hope not. :-(

Hey there!

How are you? I haven't heard from you in a while. I hope your tests come back negative and everything is okay. I am having a very depressing day myself. I think it is lack of sleep mostly. I started crying about 6:00 and haven't been able to stop since. My WH sold his bronco to a guy down the road and I drove by there on my way to my sisters house, and I happened to look and saw it. It made me think of when times were good here. Now I can't get it together.

My daughter thinks I am losing it, when really what I need is a day to myself to cry my eyes out and get it over with. I feel like such a failure today. Such a weak sad person. I hope I feel better tomorrow. It has been 3 weeks tomorrow since we went to court and I actually have seen him. Other than his phone call the other day we haven't had any other contact either.

I honestly don't see him coming out of the fog. This is the life he grew up with, cheating and lying, I just hope his son doesn't take after him. Well I hope you feel better tomorrow, as well as me.

I miss my H so much! But not my WH! I wonder if he thinks about me when he is with OW? I wonder if he thinks about me at all? I really would like to ask him, but that would break Plan B now wouldn't it. Didn't I read somewhere that you are supposed to come out of Plan B every month or two and ask if they have considered stopping seeing the OP? Maybe not, I swear I did though. I am too tired to think.
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
NY