At 52 my H has decided he has awakened. Our 2 sons are in college and H seems to want to get his life back. He's already had an EA at work (no contact now, he says), he's changed the way he dresses, his cologne, and has made "friends" with quite a few new/younger women (i.e. at car wash, hair cutter, etc.) Now he is telling me he doesn't have the feelings for me that he use to. He wants to get them back, but doesn't know if he can. He says he's unhappy and doesn't know why or what to do about it. Doesn't want to bring me unhappiness, but doesn't know if he can bring me any joy in the future. We both work 2 jobs and hardly ever see each other...maybe 15 minutes per day during the week. He is not himself since the EA which had been brewing for over a year. They decided it wouldn't work and she's with another man. He's pinning away...wrote document to her which he says he never sent, entitled "You have no idea how much I love you". I saw the title and asked him who it was for. He wont do therapy, but I go next Monday for first time. I'm nervous...I'm afraid I'll sob in front of her in her office. Is this common? So, can't tell anyone because I don't want them to disrespect him. But everyone knows something is wrong. I'm trying to be patient, but I'm so lonely/alone. We've been married 22 years, together 26. I'm in shock and every morning I wake up thinking it was a nightmare and before I say "Thank God", I realize it is a dream from which I can't awaken. A really unbelieveable one. We are both very non-confrontational people and he wont talk about this stuff unless I force it. I cry at least 2 times every day. Feeling deeply depressed and hopeless as this has been going on since last June, but I have only known about OW since Christmas. I just can't see this getting better...he's worked out hard and looks better than ever. However, I don't think he has done all this for me...what's happened to him, this shy low keyed guy I've known since 1978? What do I do now. He's changed soooo much. Will he ever go back to his old self?

What do you know about MLC (mid life crisis)? Sounds like your H is trying to regain his youth. Men at that age, can do some pretty nerdy and funk stuff. His age will show through since you can't regain your youth completely.

What should you do? Go see your MC. Don't worry about the tears. Most MCs have lots of tissue in their offices. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Read the above, concepts section and if the both of you can do the EN questionnaire, do so. If not you do it for the both of you.

Read the book His Needs/Her Needs by Dr W. Harley. C/b some eye opening info there.

Others will come and help out. Just keep posting.

Welcome to MB. There is support here for you.

take care,
L.

Thanks Orchid,

Funny thing is...I was really feeling good about myself and place in life. Kids away, time to do things I wanted to do. Then this bombshell. It makes me furious too that now he wants to throw me to the side, now that the kids are gone and he doesn't need me to raise them. We just started a new business too...after all I've done to get it going and in debt to boot...all along was having EA with OW. Just makes me crazy. We were the "perfect couple" so we were told all these years. Like Barbie and Ken.... There is no perfect couple I know, but my dreams of happily ever after are being shattered everyday. I did the EN questionaire, but he wouldn't do it. Told him if I just had a little encouragement...I could keep up the cherade. But don't know how long I can do this...when I tell him that maybe if I wasn't around, he could make up his mind easier about what it is he really wants. All he says is to just give it more time. He fully admits he's in MLC, but this has been going on for about 3/4 years now...only now it has gone into EA and now I'm suspecting others.

I'd really like a guy's point of view on MLC too. What does it take to get to the point where all that macho crap can be seen for what it is? Can a man ever go back to the personality he had before the MLC or does it change you forever? He's a very NON-affectionate, non-talkative type of person. Extremely bothered by getting older and losing his athletic abilities and looks. He can't even look at older couples and made comments about how he doesn't want to grow older and be like my parents and that he feels like we are headed in that direction. (They pretty much just sit around and watch TV and worry about all their aches and pains.) I tell him I don't want to be like that either, but to be active as we are now. I'm only 48 and he's 52, but we both look alot younger and surprise people when they learn our ages. Is there hope and will how long does it take for MLC to run it's course?

Dear LIP

This bites. I think my H has been a MLC for ten years now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I know how hard it is to watch them go through this because it has such an adverse effect on yourlife.

I've just started reading a book, "The Divorce Remedy" by Michelle W. Davis. She has a web site called divorcebusting.com

LIP

Sorry that post went haywire.

Somewhere on that website is a copy of an article she wrote dealing with MLC. It's been very helpful to me in helping me to detach from my H's actions.

It is so sad to have raised 2 children, having financial success and they decide to go chase some new adventure. Where will that road take them. In the end I can't believe they'll be happy.


I feel your hurt. I hope you've read all the material on this website. Get copies of Surviving An Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. And order Divorce Remedy. In the mean time jump over to the website and look for the article on MLC. It's either in the articles or perhsps on "good posts" or something like that.

MK

<small>[ March 25, 2004, 04:28 AM: Message edited by: marykat ]</small>

Found it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It's on the message board under open Forum.

MK

<small>[ March 23, 2004, 02:15 AM: Message edited by: marykat ]</small>

Thanks...I'll check it out. Good luck with your MLC situation...hope it ends soon.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'd really like a guy's point of view on MLC too. What does it take to get to the point where all that macho crap can be seen for what it is? Can a man ever go back to the personality he had before the MLC or does it change you forever? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your comment about "macho crap" indicates that you have no respect for what he's going through...this is a really bad mistake.

This is a re-assessment of what he will do with the remainder of his life. Both men and women subjugate their own dreams and desires to the family for many years. With the kids out, it's time to take another look at that. It is a tough time, but the worst you can do is treat him like you think this is some kind of silly phase he'll grow out of. What he's going through is important to him.

To answer your last question honestly - No, he will never go back to being the man he was before. That's the whole point ofo MLC - to determine if the man he was before is the man he wants to continue being.

You have two choices: 1) Fight it or, 2) Go with it!

He'll talk a lot of crazy stuff. Encourage him to talk it out WITH YOU! I can assure you that if you don't listen to him, he'll find someone who will.

Additionally, since he seems to find young women attractive, perhaps you can reach down and find the young woman in you. Become a flirt. Be sporty. Show him that you can be FUN!

Whatever you do, don't blow this off - or you'll lose him.

Low

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It is so sad to have raised 2 children, having financial success and they decide to go chase some new adventure. Where will that road take them. In the end I can't believe they'll be happy. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">They don't know if they'll be happy. That's not the point. It's not wherethe road is going that's important to them...it's the road itself.

Raising kids and having financial success all means that we've spent years living in a rut...putting off today or the sake of tomorrow. Well, at MidLife, we start thinking "There might not be a tomorrow". It's time to get out of it and start living in the here and now.

I understand this completely.

Low