D-day was Dec. 1, so I'm almost 4 months in, and WH still won't admit to a full-blown affair -- only kissing the OW, who was my friend and former daycare provider. I've tried to do a good Plan A, including SF, which is his top EN, only to get slapped in the face by finding them together within a few days of resuming SF. When I say together, I just mean in her car at his place of employment. I drove over to see if he was working late like he said he'd be, and didn't even think to look for her, but as I drove past his car, she was parked a couple of spaces away, saw me, backed out and took off. I didn't know for nearly a month whether or not he was in the car with her, but he finally admitted that. He says they were "just talking," but he didn't think I'd believe it if he told me, so that's why he said nothing until I dragged it out of him. I keep telling him that it's not whatever he's hiding from me, it's the fact that he continues to lie to me that is ruining our marriage, but he doesn't get it.

Right after that I decided to hire a PI, as I was going out of town for a few days. The PI said the OW came to my house late at night the first day I was gone. WH was home with my two young daughters, all the lights were off, and OW slipped in at 11:30 p.m., and left again at 1:30 a.m. No lights were turned on at all, so I guess she wasn't visiting my kids!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

The PI says they got together a couple more times that week, but that there was no other useable evidence. I have since found out the company I chose is less than reputable, and now I don't know if they're completely lying about everything, or just trying to milk me for more money. I've seen an attorney, who wants me to file for D based on adultery immediately, but I'm not ready to do that yet. I keep trying to get WH to 'fess up, but he won't budge...says he's told me everything, he doesn't have time for, or interest in, another woman, etc.

Meanwhile, my plan A has gone awry because I'm feeling betrayed again, and WH has quit going to counseling because he says I'm not doing anything to fix the marriage now...friends and family are urging that I've done all I can, and it's time to end it.

Is it Plan B time, even though Plan A hasn't been so great? If the PI isn't lying, he's still seeing her, which is how he's acting...definitely still foggy!

If you got this far, thanks for reading! Any and all advice appreciated!!!

WTT

Wtt,

The plans are for you. What do you want? Do you feel your actions are enabling the A? What is he doing to show he is remorseful?

Please read the book surviving an affair. This book will help you see where you are at and what maybe up ahead.

OW is a slut. She waits until you are away and has the gall to enter your home. This is disrespectful of your H. How do you know she didn't steal something while there? You could ask your H if he knew something was missing, like your jewelry or something.

Most OWs are like predators. Eventually they will want to mark your home as their territory. Do not under estimate the OW and her wiles.

Don't accuse the OW of stealing, just check out if something is missing and if it is, raise the suspicion.

You may not be able to stop the A. Your WS needs to do that. You can help but the main effort needs to come from him.

If you can, do some phone counseling with Steve Harley here @ MB.

Hope this helps.
L.

Truth,

Sounds like we have the same story at about the same time. My H wont admit to A, only EA so far. The no-contact thing seems to be working as far as he tells me...I still don't know how much of what he's telling me is true. I know it takes time, but how much time? One year..five years? I just don't know if I can live with it that long, can you? I'm not THAT happy, that I'd give up 5 years of my life to misery.

Why does he think you aren't doing anything to "fix" your marriage, and thus not going to MC? If I thought my H was still seeing the OW and was having an A, I would hire another company to confirm it. Then, I'd approach him and provide evidence if possible and then go to Plan B. You deserve better than this. His disrespect isn't healthy for you or your daughters. If you wont do it for youself...clean up your "house" for them.

Orchid, I'm not seeing any signs of remorse...just lots of fog. I don't know what I want, except the truth!!! One day I'm ready to leave, the next day I'll see a flash of the man I used to love, and I think about hanging in there a while longer...so that's why I'm here asking advice. I've read SAA, a good bit of HN/HN and Not Just Friends, and lots of posts here...I feel pretty sure I know exactly what he's doing and feeling, because he's a typical foggy WH...and yet I can't believe that I can't get through to him!!!

Maybe I'll try counseling with SH...it's certainly cheaper than everything I've spent so far, on PIs, attorneys, etc. -- money I did NOT have to throw away, but oh, well!

Lostinpink, WH says I'm not doing anything to fix the marriage because I won't spend much time with him, and certainly won't do SF right now...I told him that I went out on a limb to resume SF to try and get through to him that I love him and want to work through this, but I can't do that without total honesty...something I've been saying since dday. I explained that I wasn't really ready to resume SF, but did so hoping it would show him that I'm not leaving, no matter what it is he's hiding...and that I then got slapped in the face a few days later when I saw her at his workplace, which meant for sure it wasn't over as he'd been telling me, and that's why I've basically withdrawn.

In WH's eyes, if I'd just have SF with him, that would fix everything. How crazy is that?!?!

I told him yesterday that I have two thoughts on our current impasse: one, a polygraph, which he's not happy about, or two, that I'm done with waiting around on him to tell me everything. (I was careful to say that that didn't mean I was done with the marriage.) Since he continues to insist there's nothing left to tell, I think it's time for him to move out, and either get OW out of his system, or decide she's what he really wants. Either way, I can get on with living, and taking care of my girls.

I didn't put it exactly like that to him, but plan to tonight...any thoughts? Thanks!

Bump ^ ^