Just for background, here is where I am at: Spyware evidence

I am still finding evidence on the spyware, just about anytime I am away from the house, she is using the tranlator program. Actaully, didn't use it yesterday. I have already told her I suspect, and yesterday before I left for work, I took her cell phone and said I was going to takw it to work. She absolutely flipped our, sheer terror in her eyes. As I put it in my pocket, she was clawing and hitting me. I starred at her in the eye and asked "Do you think I am stupid? Do you think I am blind? Your reaction said it all." I then gave her phone back. She has to know I am closing in. After getting to work, posted some more here, and got the good advice to Plan A now. I come home last nite, apologized for my behavior. Hugged and kissed and told her I loved her. Rest of the nite tryed to engage her in pleasant and light conversation.

Today, have the day off, but was out of the house for about 20 mins this morning, and yep she was on the translator again. Sounds like it may be ending, she said she will always love him, he can't abondon his children, what is wrong, etc. She is out now getting her haircut and styled.

Question is how do I plan A when I have not exposed the A? I am not making any outbursts, keeping my voice down, staying calm and showing respect. Should I try to do little disruptive things like staying in the house as much as possible? Should I gentally inquire about her time? I want to smash this thing and feel it may be dying, would like to help it along.

Also, upon the recommendation of a female confidant, I am going to write a romantic letter to her to give to her this Saturday evening (we have a nite away w/o the kids). I am only going to say how much she and this family means to me and that I want to focus on the future b/c we can affect that, the past is gone. Nothing about my suspicions. After she reads it I do want to tell her that I cannot live in a marriage like we have now, and IF there is someone else, it needs to end now. I don't want to know who it is or what happened, what is importnat is us. I plan to say this all in as loving a way that I can put it. I will let her know in vague terms that if I find out on my own, this M is likely finished. Basically, put the ball in her court.

Whadya think?

I think you're not doing a Plan A. I'd like to give you some information that may help. Here are Cerri's (our on board coach) guidelines...straight from Willard Harley:

Plan A is not (repeat NOT) about making the WS happy, or feeling good.

Plan A is NOT, contrary to popular (and very incorrect opinion), about "making yourself a better person," or "working on yourself."

Plan A is ALL ABOUT the straying spouse. In Willard Harely's ever brilliant words, Plan A is a stategy to end the affair and to entice the straying spouse to reconsider the marriage.

So, it has several elements that should be done at the same time.

First is to eliminate LBers and to meet needs as best you can... recognizing that the unfaithful mate may not allow the betrayed partner to meet needs.

Second is to CONFRONT the unfaithful partner with what you know. Doing so (of course) in a way that is respectful and about you... how you feel, how you are affected by the affair.

Third is to expose the affair to the scrutiny of the world. The lover's spouse or s/o, coworkers, family, friends, church family, children, etc.

ALL OF THAT is Plan A. And it should be done as much as possible simultaneously. (If you don't believe me call the radio show Mondays and Thursdays at 1pm Central Time and ask Dr. Harley for yourself.)

Plan A must have a deadline. It's called Plan "A" because there is a second step... aptly named Plan "B." Willard Harley suggests a max of 6 months for men and 3 months for women before going to the next step. If Plan A hasn't worked in that time, it's not going to.

(I challenge you to find anyone who has done Plan A longer than that and been successful. I define successful as the A ending, n/c promised and verified, and the couple working a good recovery plan which includes meeting needs, eliminating LBers, getting in 15 hours a week of UAT, and most importantly following POJA.)

But I don't feel I have enough evidence to confront unless I show her the printouts from the spyware and then I lose that tool. I am not sure who it is, but have a couple of candidates.

Again, is it Plan A if I have not confronted her with evidence? She knows I suspect and she is trying to cover her tracks. What should I do?

Bump for confrontation advice and advice on letter mentioned above.

Well, I'm not sure of the best way to go about this. I'd like to see your question get more attention, though, and I'll toss out my notions and maybe that will get someone more experienced to say "Yes!" or "You idiot!" Either way, you'll have ideas to consider <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Having been through a false recovery -- where my H told me about his EA, the love feelings died a natural death, there was not an official NC letter, nor a working through of the causes of the EA -- I'd say you should do a couple of things:

1. You should confront her. You can tell her you know she's corresponding with a man in Italian. You can tell her you know a few things they've said to one another. Enough to let her know you're going on more than a hunch. You don't have to show her a printout or let her know HOW you know. You can say "I have received information indicating thus and such". For all she knows, one of his friends told you. Or his W.

2. You should insist on NC. Have her write a letter and you both send it together.

3. Get her to read Surviving an Affair with you.


The reason I say these are important is because if you just write a love letter and brush it under the carpet, it *will* lie there like an elephant beneath the rug, and neither of you will have "permission" to talk about it. It will slowly eat at your M. (Been there, done that).

You and your W need to learn why she got involved in an inappropriate friendship. What ENs were you not meeting? What LBs are you not aware of? You both need to have radical honesty. Access to each other's email acocunts and cellphone records. She needs to know that you *do* know and forgive her and still love her. Chances are high that if she strayed, you were close to straying too. The entire M needs a good airing out.

If you work through this properly, you will realize an unbelievably intimate, close M (after a lot of pain and hard work). If you don't, it's my personal opinion you're setting yourselves up for another failure.

Again, a bump.

Yet another bump. Really need advice on confronting W.