OK MBers. You have requested exposure and you have it.

OWH found out. OW was out of control. She was yelling at me and telling me I was ignorant if I thought she was the only woman my H was messing around with. She pointed at my H and said to her H it's his fault it's all his fault. Blah Blah Blah Blah

Her H knows the truth now and that's all that matters. My H did not try to play it off like I was a lunatic. He looked at OWH and just said I'm sorry. He also said he never put his hands on her....I still doubt that seriously but whatever...I need closure. OWH was very understanding and calm. He thanked my H for being honest.

OK....I'll put that out there and let Shattered, Believer, Forever, Mortarman, KS, Snow etc..say I told you so.

Mortarman, I'll expect a very big 2x4 from you.

You were all right. My H woke up after this. He is a new man. Yesterday was the first day of the rest of our lives.

heroswife,

So much of what needs to be done to end affairs in "counter-intuitive" and it's really hard to help folks understand why certain things work the way they do....but exposure done correctly if a very powerful tool for ending affairs. It destroys the secrecy needed to help them grow. I'm so glad you found the courage to do it. The fear is always that the WS will be angry....but often...that anger is short lived and not nearly as important as blowing the lid off the affair. I'm so glad this worked for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you Starfish.

I can honestly say that everything I feared and was certain would happen....didn't.

It was relatively painless for me....considering what I have been through. And it provided closure.

thanks heroswife and starfish, i needed to read what you wrote. just wanted to let you know.

Roughroad -

Are you considering exposure?

Jazz -

I consider myself in recovery right now. I have no doubt that it is over and probably has been for quite some time. I just couldn't see it because he still appeared to go in and out of fog. After what happened this weekend I can't imagine why I felt the way I did.

She was just terrible. She's a terrible person. I just looked at her and I immediately felt pitty for her. Maybe that pitty comes from the fact that I have a good have a good heart. She is a lost soul and very pathetic. My H owned up to his mistakes and she tried so hard to blame everything on him and called me names to make me feel bad about myself.

If I were in her shoes I think I'd focus on my H and my M instead of trying to push blame on others.

I respect my H so much for standing up for us and our M. I think this showed his true character. He is an honorable man that made a mistake. I have forgiven him for that mistake.

I even forgive her. I will continue to pray for her M and her family.

heroswife, i am definitely going to do it, the OW in my situation is 21 years old and still lives at home. I was basically all set (in my mind) to talk to the OW's mom this thursday night. However, i'm living in another state (not because of what happened) and i am just at our house for a week (he's not staying here while i'm here). i wanted to do it towards the end of my stay and on a night that I thought she would probably be home (versus friday night).

I had contacted a PI in the area of our house to find our costs etc. they said to get the name of ow mom and address would be $50 and could have the info the same day. so i told them i would be in town soon and would like to meet w/them on monday (yesterday). Well I have called them 4 times since i've been in town and they have yet to call me back on my cell phone. the last message i said that if i didn't here back from them by 0900 today i'll go to their office. well it's almost that time.

I'm kind of upset because i put all my eggs in one basket for them getting the information for me. I had planned on going camping tonight and tomorrow night w/my dogs so i won't be in town. i told them on my last message i needed this info by thursday. I don't feel i could get the information myself. I know the OW name and what town she lives in but i don't know if her mom is remarried and has a different last name. i don't think i could follow in a rental car and not get caught. so hopefully when i go to the PI office they will be there and have what i need.

i was really torn that expposing it would make my H mad and it will probably upset him but i've been hurt so much and am hurting and i can't NOT expose because i think that i would say sometime down the road, well maybe if I had exposed it things would be different. my H mom know that he's seeing someone else but that's about the extent of it. I don't know if anyone else in his family knows or exactly what they know. going to tackle that issue after I leave here to go back to work.

I don't know if her mom will talk to me, hopefully she will, i'm going to be calm, to the point, and not demand help/intervention. i just want to put a face to all this hurt and make it clear i'm going to fight for my marriage. maybe she already knows and doesn't care, i don't know but have to try.

heroswife

Congratulations!!!

Not only is the cat out of the bag, WH got a chance to see OW's warts, close up and personal. You have no idea what an impact that will make on him. Now you will have a much better idea of what Plan A is about....making yourself attractive to the WH and obviously a better choice.

There will continue to be phases of fog, but they will be less dense, and of shorter duration. The rollercoaster of emotions will take fewer and less dramatic peaks and lows.

Now is when the work to recover begins.

Continue the things you have done in Plan A regarding your self-improvement. Those things will always be important. Grab a copy of His Needs/Her Needs, and let the information there serve as guidelines for how to proceed from here.

You have been very strong, and you will need to continue to do so. But now, you should receive increasing amounts of positive feedback from WH, as opposed to receiving ZERO while the FOG was totally in place.

Take it slow, take it easy, relax a bit, and pat yourself on the back for a huge step forward. You know we have all been pulling for you!!!

SD

<small>[ March 23, 2004, 09:07 AM: Message edited by: shattered dreams ]</small>

HW great job!!!

What you and your H accomplished is a critical recovery step but notice I said a step.

You still have to get him to do the other hard work of recovery.

The A needs to be processed (are you sure you can live forever without knowing if the A was a PA or not?), do both of you understand what lead to the A, have you each identified your personal issues, have you identified all your marital issues, have you figured out how to prevent this from happening again????

Until you do there is risk. You must now A proof your M. You need to work towards the place where you are both so good at meeting each others EN's that you wouldn't ever be vulnerable to an A, etc.

Please use this momentum to get him on phone with SH. To get him to read MB principles.

Make it safe for him to talk to you about how he got to the point that he started an A. Empathize with him about how bad you feel for him being in such a bad place in his life that he was vulnerable to an A.

Your H sounds alot like mine...a good guy who made a horrible mistake. Please ask him to do what my Good Guy did...own up to all and take corrective action. If he wants to hear from someone who's walked in his shoes have him post to my H (tellthetruth).

I have posted alot about this under wontgiveupyet's thread.

Doesn't it feel good to be strong! To take some control back over your life?!

When I saw the title of this post, I KNEW what it meant!!

I am very relieved for you.

But, hmmmmm, no credit for me, too? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

WAT

I just exposed my WW affair to her family. I was going to expose it the the OM wife, but I can't find her. I know thier DV is in full swing due to they have sold the house they lived in. My WW called me yesterday upset that her mom and dad know about the affair. I just wish I would have done this sooner. I had been given this advice by several people on here. I was scared to do this because I didn't want to hurt my WW. In retrospect I looked at it as why should I promote her fantisey and I get to deal with all the hurt. I told her during our phone call that if she wanted to come over and talk or just pick up her mail tonight that was fine. She left me a message on answering machine that she wasn't feeling well. So I left a message on her voicemail stating "Just give me a call and let me know when your coming over. Hope you feel better and have a nice day. I sit here hopeful this will be her reality as to what is going on. I'm also worried as to how she would feel if she was to come back about how my family will feel. I think that I would be the one my family looks at for being stupid for taking my WW back. I don't worry about this though I just have to do what my heart tells me to.

Hoping the good person I know is still in my WW somewhere.

John

OH WAT!!

How could I ever forget you!!!! I apologize for not giving you props!

You were my rock. You pushed me and pushed me and pushed.

You hit me with 2x4s until I didn't have a choice.

You were right all along.

You were all so very right. MB works. There's no doubt about that.

I will forever be thankful to you all.

Roughroad -

I'm starting a new thread for you. You need help and the people here will give it to you.

Will post it in a second.

Don't worry. You came to the right place.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by heroswife:
<strong>OW was out of control. She was yelling at me and telling me I was ignorant if I thought she was the only woman my H was messing around with. She pointed at my H and said to her H it's his fault it's all his fault.

My H did not try to play it off like I was a lunatic. He looked at OWH and just said I'm sorry.

OWH was very understanding and calm. He thanked my H for being honest.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, hw, please tell us how all this came about?

What was the setting? You were there??? Who exposed what to whom??

Inquiring minds need to know.

I'm not rubbernecking this train wreck. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Just curious how it all happened.

WAT

HW,

No 2x4 here! I know I could go back and point to where I said that the fire would be gone quick to that relationship if you exposed it, especially since they are in the military. But I will leave it at hopefully now, you will trust the MB principles and stay the course. Get off the rollercoaster.

It is interesting that the OW was the only one that got really angry there. Not your WH, not the OWH. HHHmmmmm. Sounds like she just saw her career dissipation light go on!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> That will be like ice water on that relationship.

Now.....STAY OUT OF THE WAY!! You stand back, and let Plan A finish its work. Keep telling your WH you love him, you want this...but things must change now. There must be NC forever. And give him a little time to work thru this in his head.

Then, in maybe two weeks, if he hasnt moved toward you and to NC...or he has moved toward OW...then you go to Plan B!!! And both of them will know that things are about to get worse...especially in their careers. Added to this, their relationship will now NEVER be the same. He is now a threat to her life. Every time they talk or are together, it is a threat to her career. I would bet that it is her that pushes him away. And wouldnt that be nice, right in the middle of Plan B. Couldnt have a better wake up call on your husband!!

good job. You are almost done with Plan A. Let's see how much character your husband still has left in him!

In His arms.

Shattered/Forever -

I know this is just a step towards recovery but it is a great big one for us.

My H has opened up to me. He seems dead set on recovery. He even told me that if I still wanted to leave this place we would leave regardless of the consequences he has to face.

He has recommitted himself me me and to our family.

I will continue plan A. It's habit now. LBing is over. We have both suffered enough. I know there will be triggers and I will hurt sometimes.

Knowing that my H stood up for us was enough to get me over the hump and on my way to recovery.

I have requested him to come to this site. I know now that he has. I'm not sure he'll post here though. He's never posted on any message board and I doubt he'll start now.

He is reading the books willingly now. He is doing everything he can to promote recovery.

I think the fog is gone for good. Maybe that's just wishful thinking but that's how I feel.

Him saying that he would leave tells a lot about his character. And I am sure he means it (which is why we have been telling you for weeks to expose the A....okay, okay, I'll stop with the I-told-you-so's!).

But guess what? He isnt strong enough for the fog. Any contact will keep recovery from happening. So, the first order of business is NC...forever. until that happens, you are going to be disappointed in your recovery...because it wont happen!

So, this is a start. But the next step HAS TO BE NC. So, sit down, get to counseling, call the Harleys...whatever. Find out how this can be done. If it means move, then that man needs to get his paperwork in NOW! The military is slow, so that needs to be done soon.

Extraordinary precautions must be taken by him, and laid out to you, on how he is going to maintain NC. Remember, it is an addiction. Would you let an alcoholic work at a brewery? He must be held accountable.

This is GREAT!! But actions are what count here. He must step upto the plate now. Stand by him, encourage him...love him. But be firm in what you KNOW the two of you have to do. If you do, this will be over soon...and recovery can begin...and the rest of your lives together.

In His arms.

Two more things....

First, I too believe inquiring minds want to know how the exposure went down. It is probably a good study in the MB principles, so if you would share...it may help a lot of people.

Second, remember...there is no recovery without withdrawal. And there is no withdrawal without NC!!

In His arms.