I have send the following e-mail to OM this afternoon. It’s a response to this e-mail he sends to me 2 weeks ago. I know I have broken the NC rule and I know many of you will feel very disappointed in me, but PLEASE everyone, before you jump to conclusions and gets angry & disappointed with me, please read the e-mail first… My H doesn’t know about this yet and I’m just afraid he won’t understand. I know I was suppose to discuss this with him first, but it’s something I felt I needed to do TODAY and get done and over with. I feel very strong about NC, but this was something I needed to do for my own peace and closure. I just hope my H will understand… I’m a bit afraid to tell him about it. Maybe he will understand after he has read what I’ve said in the e-mail? Here it is:

-------------------------------------------------
………………….(OM’s name)

After the e-mail I received from you a while back, I need to give some closure. My request (regarding no contact) is still applicable, I feel very strongly about it, so this will be my last correspondence to you. Thanks that you understand and will keep it like this.

I agree God sends people and friends in our life to help and support us and ’m glad my friendship and support could be of help to you during the times you needed it, BUT it was definitely not God’s will that the friendship became wrong and inappropriate and caused damage to myself, husband and marriage. I don't regret the part of our friendship that was good, constructive and appropriate BUT I very much regret and remorseful through God that I allowed our friendship to became inappropriate and caused my husband so much pain… Maybe what I’m saying to you right now don’t make any sense to you, maybe you think I’m exaggerating and don’t view it in a serious light, but if it is so, it’s because it was never necessary for you to take the consequences of your actions in your own marriage and towards your spouse. You have viewed our friendship as a “NICE GAME (your own words when you have ended the friendship).

A year and a half ago I’ve started posting to a support forum. The following is an extract from one of the post I have send to that forum last year. It will give you understanding and insight:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just feel the need to share some of my thoughts & experience and what I have learned from it:

My inappropriate friendship at work was the most eye-opening incident that ever happened to me emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Some members will remember I’ve once told my father was involve with a woman “friend” since I was 10 years old, and till today, he still regarded her as only a ‘very close, emotional supportive friend’. I was thus raised with the perception that there is nothing wrong with ‘close opposite sex friendship’ between married people as long as there isn’t any physical involvement. My own inappropriate involvement and this website was indeed a VERY big eye-opener to me and corrected all the wrong perceptions I had about opposite sex friendships. I have learned very big lessons from this.

Although this inappropriate involvement with this friend and everything that was affected by it (myself, my husband and marriage etc) was very painful in so many ways, I certainly now that God also took the situation and used it positively in my life. Here is the most important lessons I have learned and my perceptive now and prior to my inappropriate friendship:

1. Illusion (before the friendship): There is nothing wrong with close opposite sex friendships, as long there is no physical involvement.

Fact (after friendship was ended): Close opposite sex friendship is VERY DAMAGING and a potential thread to any marriage. Friendships like this (especially were there is a close emotional attachment and dependence) are the ‘silent enemy’ because on the eye it ‘seems’ so innocent.

2. Before friendship (illusion): If you are happily married and most of your emotional needs are being met by your spouse, no opposite sex friend is a potential thread to the marriage.
After friendship (fact): Affairs happen all the time, even in very happy marriages. A marriage can stray en be vulnerable to an affair also because of adverse reasons and circumstances other than problems/issues within the marriage. All people have some personal problems/issues and baggage they bring into a marriage. Everyone must be aware of their own weaknesses & vulnerabilities.

3. Before friendship (illusion): Affairs can only happen to bad people who have low morals and no conscience. People who have affairs or inappropriate involvements don’t have love or respect towards their spouses.

After friendship (fact): Affairs can happen to ANYONE – even good, religious people with high morals and strong conscience can get involved in an affair/inappropriate involvement... In fact, sometimes the so-called ‘good’ people are more vulnerable to an affair than anyone else because they think they will never get tempted and are not aware of their own human weaknesses.

4. Before friendship (illusion): If you truly love your spouse, there can never be a place in your heart for someone else. If you develop feelings for someone else, you don’t really love your spouse.

After friendship (fact): I believe it IS possible to truly love your S and at the same time have feelings for someone else. The theory of the love bank also explains this phenomenon very clearly. Like I have said earlier, affairs/inappropriate involvements can also happen because of adverse reasons and circumstances other than problems/issues within the M.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also read the following extract from a good article I’ve found on the Internet last year. It would be good if more people could be aware of these things before it’s too late:


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">EMOTIONAL INTIMACY, VIRTUAL AFFAIRS TAKE HOLD IN THE WORKPLACE

The truly fertile ground for dangerous emotional attachments outside marriages is much more conventional: the workplace. There is a new ''crisis of infidelity'' breeding in the workplace, says Baltimore psychologist and marital researcher Shirley Glass. Often it does not involve sexual thrill seekers, but ''good people,'' peers who are in good marriages.

''The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,'' [/b[Glass says.

She believes affairs do not have to include sex. ''In the new infidelity, affairs do not have to be sexual. [b]Sometimes the greatest betrayals happen without touching. Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust.''

This revised concept of an affair is embraced by increasing numbers of Glass' colleagues. People are ''incredibly devastated by their partner's emotional affair,'' says Peggy Vaughan, who has researched infidelity for 20 years. ''They separate over it, divorce over it, this breaking of a trust, a bond.''

A platonic friendship, such as those that grow at work, edges into an emotional affair when three elements are present, Glass says:

* Emotional intimacy. Transgressors share more of their ''inner self, frustrations and triumphs than with their spouses. They are on a slippery slope when they begin sharing the dissatisfaction with their marriage with a co-worker.''

* Secrecy and deception. ''They neglect to say, 'We meet every morning for coffee.' Once the lying starts, the intimacy shifts farther away from the marriage.''

* Sexual chemistry. Even though the two may not act on the chemistry, there is at least an unacknowledged sexual attraction.

Glass sums up her research and that of others in Not ''Just Friends'': Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal. ''This is the essence of the new crisis of infidelity: friendships, work relationships and Internet/e-mail liaisons have become the latest threat to marriages,'' Glass says.

Affairs that take place in chat rooms on the Internet are classic examples of emotional infidelity.
Bonnie Eaker-Weil, author of Adultery: The Forgivable Sin, says the biological need for connection can result from ''severe stress, loss or separation'' that often can be traced back to childhood.

Internet/e-mail temptations. Increasing numbers of online-affairs are breaking up stable marriages, says psychologist Kimberly Young. She cites the anonymity and convenience of the Internet, as well as the escape it provides from the stresses of everyday life.

Some affairs happen, Glass says, ''because people have certain beliefs they think will protect them. They believe if they love their spouse and have a good marriage, they don't have to worry. They don't exert the caution that might be necessary or create the boundaries to make their marriages safe.''

HOW TO KEEP TEMPTATION AT ARM'S LENGTH

There is no such thing as an affair-proof marriage. But couples who want to protect their unions from infidelity can be mindful of the dangers. To keep a marriage healthy:

* Stay honest with your partner. ''Honesty is the trump card for preventing affairs,'' says Peggy Vaughan, who has studied affairs for more than two decades. ''Make a commitment to sharing your attractions and temptations.'' That helps to avoid acting on them. Dishonesty and deception cause affairs to flourish, Vaughan says.

* Monitor your marriage. ''Realize if there is something missing,'' says psychologist Kimberly Young of St. Bonaventure University in southwest New York state. ''Be willing to try to fix it.'' Assess whether needs are being met.

* Stay alert for temptations. ''Be very careful of getting involved in the first place,'' Young says. ''Know the dangers. You can be drawn to an affair as to a drug. And once you are past a certain point of emotional connection, it is very hard to go into reverse.''

* Don't flirt. ''That is how affairs start,'' says Bonnie Eaker Weil. ''Flirting is not part of an innocent friendship. If you think there might be a problem with someone you flirt with, there probably is a problem.''


* Recognize that work can be a danger zone. ''Don't lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person all the time,'' psychologist Shirley Glass says.


* Beware of the lure of the Internet. ''Emotional affairs develop quickly, in maybe a few days or weeks online, where it might take a year at the office,'' Young says. ''There is safety behind the computer screen.''

* Keep old flames from reigniting. ''If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch with one,'' Glass says. Invite your partner along.

* Value the intimacy of your marriage. ''Reveal as much of yourself to one another as possible,'' Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman says. ''You will find it less necessary to form an intimate friendship with someone else.''</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Best wishes to you and good luck with your future life,
“Suzet”
-------------------------------------------------

The problem with re-initiating contact, especially for the sake of educating him as to your reasons why, is that it just completely restrengthens the ties between you. You'll think about him more in the next few days, he'll think about you more. You'll have to go through withdrawl all over again. And if he chooses to respond back to you again - it starts all over.

Think about it. You tell him there's a new rule in place - that he doesn't get to contact you and speak his mind. But you then break that rule in order to educate him, and then put the rule in place again, basically telling him he doesn't get a chance to respond. If I were him I'd probably be pretty offended. Not because of the content of your letter, but because you broke your own rule in order to send it and then once again told me I didn't get the same courtousy to respond.

Your best off leaving it alone.

Someone once gave me a very valuable piece of advice. If you're not making the best decisions, or you're in a really touchy situation where making bad decisions holds large consequences - if you get an idea, wait 3 days and see if it still seems like a good idea.

You knew before you sent the letter that it wasn't a good idea - which is why you did it before discussing it here. You know that. Your head tells you that. You're acting on emotion, however. Right now it's time to listen to your head - not your emotions. They'll lead you down the wrong path.

<small>[ March 23, 2004, 08:17 AM: Message edited by: hope4future ]</small>

Suzet-

I'd have to agree with H4F on this one...it probably wasn't a good idea to respond to the OM's email. While your intentions might be good in that you wanted to set the record straight, all the information and opinions you included in the correspondence seem to beg for some sort of response from him.

Most likely, he'll think about it for awhile then send you some sort of thought provoking rebuttal and you'll be tempted to respond. You're giving him power over your emotions with this continued contact IMO. He's not part of the solution to you and your H fixing what's wrong with your M.

IMO, the biggest problem is that you didn't run this past your H before you sent it. Perhaps you should print out the email you sent, show it to your H, and give NC another go. I know your situation can't be easy having to work in the same organization as the OM, but don't make it harder than it has to be. Good luck to you Suzet,
you can do this!

Ugh...

You have already sent it? If not, please don't.

I did this time and time again, thinking I would finally get closure. Actually, it only kept reopening it. I banged my head and banged my head until I finally learned better.

You owe him no explainations. It's not your job to help him understand. It's not your place to share good information with him.

Just because he contacted you, it doesn't mean you have to respond. Doesn't just sending him your email in reply have your thoughts focused on him again? Aren't you wondering how he received the email or what he thought? what his response was?

Your job is to focus on YOU and your marriage. You can't do that when you are focusing on him at all.

No contact, means NO CONTACT...of any kind.

From now on, hit the delete key immediately!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know I have broken the NC rule and I know many of you will feel very disappointed in me, but PLEASE everyone, before you jump to conclusions and gets angry & disappointed with me, please read the e-mail first… </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">well i read it Suzet, and i agree with the rest. You have to walk away 100%, it is not your concern what he thinks and what he does or does not get. and now you have just put a secret between you and your H. coming from someone who finally confessed 2 days ago, that is the LAST thing i ever want to have happen again. the advice of waiting 3 days is invaluable. the advice of ALWAYS discussing with H first is invaluable. you said it yourself, this place is a God send, USE IT. if you can't start by discussing it with your H, discuss it here!!!! dont rely on your emotions right now. there was no urgency here, there was no reason the email HAD to be sent quickly, no one is going anywhere.

I know you are struggling to let go, that is what this email was about. YOU LETTING GO. I understand how hard that is to do. I think I am lucky i was able to let go before my H knew anything. I have an advantage of not having those conflicting feelings for OM while trying to rebuild. Of course for me, it was so much more a PA then a EA anyway. Even so, emotions played into it very much.

i know you were looking for us to say it's ok, we understand. Well i can tell you I understand, but it is NOT ok. you have to let go. everything about the OM is NOT YOUR CONCERN ANYMORE!!!

good luck, please keep posting here!!!!

I will send this response to both the In Recovery and GQ board.

First I want to report that that I’ve shown the e-mail (I’ve send to OM yesterday) immediately to my H after I left from work yesterday (as I did every time after OM tried to contact me in the past). He agreed with the content of the letter and could understand why I’ve send it, but he was very disappointed and angry that I haven’t discuss it with him first (before sending it). H wanted us to decide on this together before I’ve send it. He wanted us to discuss the possible consequences of such an action first. I realize I was wrong, impulsive, selfish and foolish by excluding my H from this and I understand I’ve betrayed my H’s trust by doing so... I DO feel very sorry about it and I promised my H yesterday it WON’T happen again. However, I still don’t think the actual sending and the contents of the letter was wrong and I don’t feel sorry about the closure I’ve tried to get for myself and everyone involved.

To the people who wasn’t interested in reading the letter and have just responded to my thread without reading the e-mail first, PLEASE READ THE FOLLOWING: The purpose of the e-mail yesterday WASN’T (as some of you have suggested) to resume contact and restart the IR and start lying to my H again. NOT AT ALL! I also didn’t write the letter because I’m still in a fog and addicted to OM. Since the friendship was ended 18 months ago I never acted or get tempted by any contact from OM. Instead, I reported it to my H ASAP and IGNORED the contact from OM! All because I wanted to protect my H and do the right thing! If members read the e-mail I have send yesterday very closely they will see that I have stressed to OM in my letter how strong I feel about NC and that I’m commited to my H and M. I wrote the letter in such a way that it can’t be misunderstood by OM whatsoever!

I understand closure should have been established with the no contact letter in the beginning, but it WASN’T, not for me. At the time my H only wanted me to send a very short and brief NC-letter and I agreed with it. At the time I thought it would be enough and that I would be able to move forward and leave it behind without any lengthy ‘closure’-letter…but I’ve realized it wasn’t enough for MY OWN PERSONAL RECOVERY. Now I had this opportunity to finally get closure for myself on this whole issue so that I can finally LET GO of the past and move forward once and for all… I have said what I wanted to say to OM for the first time and I feel better after I’ve done it, I’M NOT SORRY ABOUT IT! I NEEDED OM to know that I feel sorry for the things I’ve done wrong. I NEEDED OM to know that the inappropriate part of our friendship caused pain and damage to my H and M and that I feel SORRY about it. I felt very remorseful about the pain my inappropriate friendship (NOT an ADULTEROUS AFFAIR – PLEASE NOTE!!!) has caused my H and I WANTED OM TO KNOW THIS. I wanted OM to know that I feel sorry that I ever allowed a GOOD friendship to became inappropriate and hurtful to myself and my H. And I wanted him to recognize and take responsibility for the fact that he acted WRONG towards me, my H and our M… I NEEDED him to know his behaviour was hurtful towards me as well… Now, how on earth can one get peace for him/herself if you are not allowed and don’t have a chance to speak and get it of the chest!!! Was this need to get closure for myself so wrong??? Is it so difficult to understand why I needed to do this???

This WASN’T just about me, it was also something I needed to do for my H’s sake. To let go and leave everything behind was something I struggled to do since the friendship was ended… I did everything I could to do all the right things and make things up to my H after the IR was ended. Members who have followed my whole story will KNOW how I have struggled with myself and inner stuff so many times. This involvement with OM DIDN’T happen because of problems in my M at the time – it happened because of personal problems/issues and unresolved issues from childhood which was sorted out during IC. The IR happened because the problem was with ME and NOT with my H, but because the IR inflicted so much pain on my M and H, I did everything I could to satisfy my H and handled this issue the way my H wanted me to. After all, he was the betrayed spouse – I understand that. But what about me??? What about my OWN PERSONAL recovery and closure for my own peace??? How can one move forward and leave things behind if there is still unclosed issues within oneself and how can one move forward if one never have the chance to close it of in order to let it go and leave it behind??? The letter of yesterday was the LAST correspondence I will ever have with OM and my H knows it. I still feel as strongly about NC as before. I’m not planning on any further e-mail to ‘close things off’ and even if OM would respond, I’m going to stick to NC from this day on forward. I feel satisfied that I’ve done what I needed to do and it still feel it was the right thing to do under the circumstances.

Hi Suzet.
Your needing to write this long long letter to OM is very hard to understand your reasoning.

Everyone commended you for not reading the little e-card birthday card that he sends to all the employees, yet you are expecting of him to read this long message from you!
(If he were wise he would delete it before reading like you did the little e-card!)

I just don't understand your reasoning...

I have read what you wrote, and you are letting him know you still think of him in a 'sexual way' and that is still bothering you.

Suzet, that is what an inappropriate friendship means!

You even told us that he never crossed the line by writing inappropriate things, but now you are making him see where your thoughts were and are!

Closure?... Baloney! There is not such thing!
Our minds can't turn off thoughts like a light switch turns off the light!

I am not sure what you want from this man.

You should be leaving him alone.
You are the one pursuing him, as I am sure he doesn't know what to think after that e-mail you sent yesterday!
Sincerely, Julie

Suzet - I read the letter. I even read it twice. That's not the point. Nothing about your letter was so earth shatteringly eye opening that it really HAD to be sent. You can shake your finger at us all you want and it really doesn't even matter that your husband UNDERSTOOD why you would want to send it. Not the point. You need to end it. No more contact. Not for closure, not for anything. It's done. Focus on your husband.

You're getting advice from people who have been there done that - do you really think we don't know what we're talking about??? It's pretty hard to learn from others mistakes when you refuse to see them as such.

Good luck.

Blessed TIME

Your needing to write this long letter to OM is very hard to understand your reasoning.
I’m giving up, I’ve TRIED so hard to explain why I needed to do this, so I don’t know how to express myself better. Maybe I lack communication skills.

Everyone commended you for not reading the little e-card birthday card that he sends to all the employees, yet you are expecting of him to read this long message from you!
HE is the one who tried to break contact after I’ve send him a NC-letter last year, not me!

I have read what you wrote, and you are letting him know you still think of him in a 'sexual way' and that is still bothering you.
I don’t understand… Where on earth have I said in the letter that I still think of him in a SEXUAL way??? I certainly DON'T! I still have residual feelings, yes, but this is something totally different.

You even told us that he never crossed the line by writing inappropriate things, but now you are making him see where your thoughts were and are!
He did write inappropriate things - he flirted with me on e-mail!! And I have explained to him long ago (before the friendship was ended) that I’ve developed an inappropriate emotional attachment and dependence towards him. What I meant is that we never declared ‘feelings of love’ towards each other. And nowhere in my letter have I said that my thoughts and feelings are still with him. Please don’t make the wrong conclusions.

Closure?... Baloney! There is not such thing!
Our minds can't turn off thoughts like a light switch turns off the light!
Yes you’re right, certainly our minds can just switch off, it’s a process and sometimes we need to do certain things that will help us leave things behind, let go and move forward.

I am not sure what you want from this man.
To be honest… I guess all I ever wanted from him after the IR was ended, was some form/sign of remorse and repentance for everything that happened… Or just the words “I’m sorry” for the pain I inflicted on you and your H…

You should be leaving him alone.
I agree. Haven’t I said that I still feel as strongly about NC as before??? Haven't I said that I DIDN'T write the letter to resume contact or restart the freinship???

You are the one pursuing him,
Really??? I don’t think so! I was not the one who continuously tried to contact him after I’ve send the NC-letter last year!

<small>[ March 24, 2004, 07:10 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

Suzet, have you ever heard the following saying?
It seems to kinda describe you! (No offense intended, just reality!)


"Me thinks THOU dost protest too much."

Hope4future,

You need to end it. No more contact. Not for closure, not for anything. It's done. Focus on your husband.
I agree with you… That’s what I’m going to do and what I will continue to do after I’ve send that letter yesterday – to keep NO CONTACT and keep focusing on my H as I’ve done all the time since the IR was ended.

Ok - if you know what you did was right, then why post it here for comments? It sounds to me like you got the same opinions from posters on the other board, yet you're still defending what you did. You're hearing from the oldtimers who have experience in this very thing - and you're STILL defending what you did. If it was right, then move on. If you have doubts, then quit defending yourself and listen to someone else besides yourself for a change.

Hope4future and Blessed Time,

I don’t try to defend what I did or protest against anything. All I’m trying to do is to explain WHY I did what I did... I don’t want someone to tell me what I did was right (because I know it is against all the rules etc). All I’m trying to do is to let you UNDERSTAND why I did what I did and that my inherent intentions was good, not bad. That's all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ March 24, 2004, 07:49 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The purpose of the e-mail yesterday WASN’T (as some of you have suggested) to resume contact and restart the IR and start lying to my H again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i don't believe that was the purpose of your email either. bottomline is still the same, you did something without first talking to your H, you did not allow him to have a say in the matter. i'm sorry if this is hard to hear but that was a selfish act (you even said the same). Your H loves you, do you think he would of forbidden you to send this email? if you explained to him your needs, and you believe in his love, don't you think he would have said OK.

the point i am making is, you must ask yourself, why did you do this without first talking to him? You don't need to answer this here, just please think about it. I hear how much you want to defend yourself which means you feel you are under attack. I am the last person that has any right to attack you, my A was physical. I truely just want to help you let go and have a strong relationship with your H.

I did read the e-mail from the OM and your response.

You knew the right thing to do when you got the e-mail but failed to resist temptation and now you are trying to justify (and seek approval for your mistake?):

"I haven’t respond to the e-mail and don’t plan on doing so either... I've printed out the e-mail and will show it to my H this afternoon. I think this is the best way to handle this situation. The though has pop up in my mind to send a short reply to him that just says “Thank you”, but I’m afraid it might open a new "door" and I don’t want that. And I’m also not sure what OM’s true intentions are… Maybe he have changed and only meant good by his letter, but maybe it’s another way of him to try and get me into contact with him again. Or a way of him to make me consider it. What do you think?"

So we are telling you what we think.

Even if it was 'just' an emotional affair it was an affair. Anything that goes on, even if it's just conversation (or e-mail) between you and another man, that you feel justified in keeping secret from your husband, is a betrayal. Your attempts to assure that it was just an inappropriate friendship, you did tell your husband about the e-mail (um eventually - after you responded to it), that you needed to send the e-mail to get 'closure'... are just justifications.

As I said, I did read the e-mail and your response. As a betrayed spouse there was plenty in both that I would have a problem with. Basically you and the OM were trying to convince each other what great people you are, how what you did was in some ways OK (the God sent you to be his friend when he needed one stuff really gagged me), in spite of knowing it really was a betrayal and WRONG. My husband and the OW are also obsessed with the same INAPPROPRIATE concern - trying to get through their break-up in a way that they don't really have to admit to themselves or each other that their affair was justifiable somehow, trying to 'get closure', demonstrating more concern with protecting their reputations than in ending it the right way.

So what if the OM needed some support or a good friend during a rough time? He couldn't turn to God himself for that?!?!? Or he had NO other friends (like an UNMARRIED woman or a male FRIEND or relative or counselor) he could have turned to? I'm sorry, there's simply no excuse, then or now, not 'friendship' or 'closure'.

The OM doesn't get to contact you anymore to try to put a positive spin on himself or what he did and vice versa. Your #1 priority now is supposed to be to protect your marriage and your husband - NOT you and the OM's opinions of each other.

You claim you have todl your husband about the e-mail and your response and described an incredibly mild reaction from him. I'm sorry but I literally find that incredible. I find it hard to believe that you told your husband and that he supposedly took it so well.

You are focusing a lot of energy into defending this latest betrayal of your husband's trust. We are trying to help you because you are only going to make the mess even more drug out and painful for everyone (not just for your husband but for yourself and the OM). We are on your side but you are still in some fog and won't/can't see that clearly yet. Give up the 'closure' justification. What you did was wrong - plain and simple.

Hi Suzet

Wow you are really being chastised over the email you sent. I hope you will respond and take what is said with a grain of salt.. Many posters are here because they are the BS and have put themselves in your H shoes.. Their pain and what they have experienced is still with them and I understand that.

I guess I'm not sure how much help it is for anyone to be irate over something that has already been done.. You sent it, its yesterday's news. As far as I'm concerned if you are able to move forward from here that is what matters. Today is what matters and is all we have. Yesterday is the past and you are moving forward with your H.

Good luck to you and take care today.
Thinking of you,
LMH

I don’t feel sorry about the closure I’ve tried to get for myself and everyone involved.

Who are you to decide what closure is for the OM?
what closure is for your husband...

The bigger picture is learning that closure...is really..

1. a fabricated term to obtain something that is not very tangible...

2. a slippery slope...for who decides closure in a breakup...
he sends an email...
you send one back..
from yours you want closure...yet it backfires and he will now fire back an email demanding continued converstation under the cloak of seeking closure...and how do you deny him his right too closure...as you are only seeking your own...???

see the can of worms..
see the cycle...

this is not beating you up..this is a growing pain..and either you will learn from it..or not...

King Henry the Eigth...now there's a man that understood how to deliver CLOSURE.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

ARK

<small>[ March 24, 2004, 09:50 AM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

Suzet, this is March 11 post written by you.

" During my friendship I’ve shared some inner self, frustrations and triumphs with OM at work, but we NEVER shared intimate issues about our marriages and spouses and I never shared more with OM than with my H or shared anything my H didn’t know about. However, I’ve developed and inappropriate emotional attraction towards OM.

There was definitely an unacknowledged sexual attraction between us although we never acted on it or expressed the existence of this feelings verbally or otherwise. Although I fell in love with OM, I never confessed any of my feelings towards him. He never confessed any romantic feelings towards me either. However, I acted adulterous in the sense that I had private thoughts and fantasies of him.

However, I know an obsession with another person outside marriage, an inappropriate involvement or a fantasy based EA can just be as damaging as any other full blown EA/PA. I was definitely on a very thin slipper slope and as you have said, indeed playing with fire. Sometimes I wonder if an involvement based on fantasies and obsession is not more damaging than a situation where a “real” A has taken place and have died a natural death."

Suzet, re-read the sentences I put in 'bold'...You are saying it was YOU that was doing the fantasising and being in love with the OM; and now you have written him confirming you still are thinking about him!
He actually behaved like a gentlemen in that he did not seduce you!

You know on the "In Recovery" board you just got 2x4ed by a FWS ...
so this isn't all BSs saying that there is a big problem here.

When I read your letter and your justification the FWW in me just shook my head.

way2

Hi all,

I have read all the responses I have received yesterday on this and the GQ board with an open mind. As I’ve said yesterday, I know it was a mistake, selfish and wrong of me to send the e-mail without discussing it with my H first. I said yesterday that all was trying to do was to explain WHY I did what I did... I didn’t want someone to tell me what I did was right (because I know it is against all the rules etc). All I tried to do was to let you UNDERSTAND why I did what I did and that my inherent intentions were good, not bad. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I never lied to my H… Every time OM tried to contact me in the past I told my H as soon as it was possible… And I didn’t send the e-mail to OM with the intend to lie to my H and keep it a secret from him. I printed it out and showed it to my H immediately after I’ve left from work… However, I KNOW I was supposed to discuss it with my H first before I’ve send the e-mail. I know it was a mistake and I’m sorry about it. I just feel sad that I’ve come all this way in my recovery, did all the right things and now that I’ve made ONE mistake during all this time some posters call me terrible names and now I’m viewed by most posters as the most TERRIBLE and deceitful person in the world… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I, my H and my God know my heart and that my true intentions weren’t bad. However, I see there are many posters that doubt me and think I’m lying to everyone. One poster even said she/he thinks I didn’t really show any e-mails to my H and thinks I’m lying about it too. Well, what can I say? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I don’t feel angry about the 2X4 and name-calling I’ve unnecessarily received. I just feel very sad and offended by the following comment I’ve received from 2ofakind yesterday:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Newsflash - it is no longer about you and only you. First is your betrayed husband. See he has this little problem – his wife slept with another man and now no matter what she promises she breaks every promise and has some sick need to explain why her lies were noble.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">2ofakind – You have responded to my posts without having ANY CLUE about my situation and the nature of my involvement with OM… I NEVER SLEPT WITH THIS MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1. MY H IS THE ONLY PERSON I EVER SLEPT WITH IN MY WHOLE LIFE!!!!!!!! HOW ABOUT YOU????????? For your information, THE INVOLVEMENT WITH OM WAS AN E-MAIL FRIENDSHIP THAT BECAME INAPPROPRIATE AND DEVELOPED TO BEGINNING OF EMOTIONAL AFFAIR AFTER A 2-YEAR PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP. BOTH ME AN OM UNWITTINGLY FORM AN EMOTIONAL CONNECTION BEFORE REALIZING THAT WE'VE CROSSED THE LINE FROM PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP INTO SOMETHING MORE. I didn’t even KNOW about the existence of EA’s at the time. I first learn about EA’s and that I was involved in one after I’ve discovered this website on MB. I’m just a human being who have made a MISTAKE and haven’t realize the dangers beforehand. This was the FIRST TIME I’ve made such a mistake with a man outside my marriage. HOW ABOUT YOU???? Please don’t call me names and throw stones if you have made MUCH MORE WORST mistakes than me!!! Anyway, SLEEPING with another person and having a PA isn’t "just" a MISTAKE!!! Keep that in mind. And o yes, I only know about ONE promise I've broken after ALL THIS TIME in recovery and I have ACKNOWLEDGED that I made a mistake. What is the other promises I've broken??? And I didn't LIE to my H - I TOLD him emmidiately about the e-mail I've send after I've left from work that SAME DAY!!!

Originally posted by Blessed Time:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He actually behaved like a gentlemen in that he did not seduce you!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Blessed Time, I’ve noted a SARCASTIC note in all you responses and I think it’s very immature and childish! For your information, during the time I became emotionally attached to OM and while I was in a deep depression, OM said a few times on e-mail that he just wanted to “hug” me. I was the one who RESISTED receiving hugs from OM (although it was very tempting at the time) because I KNEW it would be dangerous and that one thing would possibly lead to the other. You said: and now you have written him confirming you still are thinking about him! Please show me where on earth in my letter have I told him that I'm still thinking about him??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

To all the poster’s who have tried to help me and gave opinions WITHOUT calling me ugly names and being sarcastic and judgmental (tsc, lovemyhubby, etc.) THANK YOU VERY MUCH! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> You are the people who’ve made me decided to continue posting on these boards. It’s not worth it to give up such a wonderfull place just because there is some people who act very childish and aggressive. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Just hope they will grow up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> However, I understand the reaction of some BS's (since they have their own pain).

<small>[ March 25, 2004, 03:36 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>