Roughroad posted under my "Angel of Exposure for Hero" thread.

She needs our help in exposing her H's A. The OW is 21 and lives at home with her mother. Roughroad is trying to find out where OW lives so she can bring light to the situation.

Roughroad please provide some background here. Let us know if the A is still going on.
Where is your H?
Are you in Plan A or Plan B?
How long has this been going on?

Exposure will help bring the A out in the open and make both parties face up to what they are doing. I'm not sure OW will benefit from this as much as your H considering her age and living status. Depending on the morals of her family she may not care.

I still think you should do it for the sake of your M.

okay, of course you guys can read all about my situation under the just found out and haven't seen anything in my situation posts. but i'll try to be brief and hit the points. i've lived in another state due to a job i accepted last october and my H was supposed to be joining me after he graduated in may of this year.

i found out about the EA/PA on 2/10/04 because of some emails i found from her on one of his email accounts he didn't know i could get access to. so i drove all night to our house where he is still living and all our stuff is still here and confronted him. he didn't deny anything, just said he wanted to be happy, he loves me but is not in love w/me, she makes him happy, he just can't go back. i know it's physical because i said i hoped to God he used a condom and he said of course.

what i know about her is that they met in one of his fall classes last semester and it grew and grew. yadah yadah. I just came back from the PI today and she won't be 21 until august, she still lives with her mom and dad, which i have thier address and phone number, i don't know if she works or what she does. he primarily talks to her on her cell phone and yes the A is still going on.

I am at our house now for a week while he is on spring break, i thought we would be able to spend some time together but before I got here he said he would be staying with a friend because it would be easier on him. but i still came anyway.

So! i will be renting a car for thursday night and will go to their house hopefully the OW and my H won't be there (he said he had to work) and will try to talk to her parents. I don't know anything about them or really her. I don't know if they will even talk to me, maybe they already know and don't care. I doubt that they know he's married however. my H has said he has only met her in passing and when i came here last month to confront him he wasn't wearing his wedding ring.

so that's about it in a nutshell. i have to go i have reservations for camping (by myself with my dogs) i need a little break and some time to fill out all those forms for dr. harley! i'll check back as soon as i can, probably tomorrow night.
Thanks for giving me a thread!

Roughroad -

I'm not expert here by any means but I will say that going to her family and exposing the A is probably the single best thing you can do right now. I would venture to say that her family does not know that her new boyfriend is married.

If her family has a soul they will try to convince her to break it off.

Does she even know your H is married? She may not. Is your H a student or a teacher?

Good luck. I'll be praying for you.

Here here!

Call her father and explain the situation and enlist his help.

See how her little romantic fantasy holds up when Mom and Dad throw a fit and Dad threatens to kill your H.

OW's dad will have this reaction:
"Some skumbag married man is screwing my little princess! I didn't raise her that way - I'm gonna kill that @$@&!"

...a little daylight on the affair helps, tellin her folks would be like putting them into the caribbean sans sunblock.

First rule of fighting - either walk away or go for the throat immediately - the longer you dance around tossing little jabs the more likely it is that you get clocked. Betchya telling her folks, her minister etcetera will be like a right hook to the nose and toss a little rain on their fantasyland vacation.

Good thinking 2.

Roughroad - make sure you have proof when you go. Emails, phone records...whatever you can find to prove the A.

Chances are she has talked to her parents about her new boyfriend. Maybe just saying his name to them will be enough for them to believe you...you just never know what she has told them.

I'd say it's better to be prepared.

Good luck and please let us know what happens.

roughroad - perhaps you addressed this in one of your posts, maybe not.

You realize, don't you, that your H likely has claimed to OW to be either single or divorced? She may be in the dark.

WAT

WAT is right. If he has by chance told OW about you he has likely painted a picture of some crazy lady.

She probably pictures you as very unstable.

If you are able to confront her or her parents try to remain calm. Express your love for your H and your willingness to forgive him. Keep your cool. It may be hard but that will work wonders to remove the picture she may have of you in her head...assuming your H has told her about you.

well so much for my camping trip, the zipper broke on my tent and i couldn't keep the dogs in the tent so i packed up and got home about midnight last night.

yes, she does know he's married and knows that i know. when i was here last month i made him call her (i dialed the number and handed him the phone) i listened on the other phone. he told her that i knew and that i was here (at our house) she didn't believe him! of course i said you better F$%&*@#g believe it, it's over between you and him, and then my H got on the line and said "it's okay OW, it'll be okay" i don't know if she heard that or if she hung up because i didn't hear her voice again and i hung up the phone and charged after my H and started to hit him (that was before I came to the MB website). but stopped because that's what he wanted, he actually told me a few times to hit him.

but anyway, i did bring some copies of the emails that i found for them to have and will be bringing the cellphone bills, i also have a copy of something he bought for her (well i found a lot of these but threw them away) it's a receipt for a package to name a star after her, can you believe that? i'm sure you can. when i came home last month (in the middle of the night) the certificate of the star package and a note from him was out in the open (he didn't know i would be there). after i saw that i woke him up (it was 2 am) and he asked why i was there and i said guess, he got up and started going to the kitchen (where the star stuff was) like he was actually going to try to hide it. I said i already saw and know about it and then i tore everything up (again this is before i knew about MB).

but anyway, i am totally motivated to talk to them just hope i can come off the right way and hope that they even talk to me. who knows, i'm going to show up around 8pm tomorrow night. I know everyone is keeping everyone in their prayers but gosh this is scary stuff!

you know i can't help but be a little happy about exposing the A to her parents and i feel guilty about this. when i think of what they might do (throw her out, ban my H from coming there, etc.) It makes me feel good that this might push him back towards me. but at the same time i feel guilty about doing it. i am not trying to ruin anyone's life, i'm just trying to reclaim my marriage.

of course i'm not telling my H that i'm going to do this. i don't know if i will tell him immediately after, tell him the next day, or wait until he asks me about it because i'm sure he'll find out. the possibilities that might come out of this exposure are numerous and i just hope i can say what needs to be said and maintain my compsure (not cry). i'm not mad, if anything i am mad at myself for not helping to A-proof my M. thanks for all the input and keep it coming!

Roughroad -

I can see where you might feel guilty. But don't!!! You are fighting for your M right now. You have to use all tools available to you. Exposure is your most functional tool at this point. Expose to anyone you can get to listen to you.

Start with her parents. Don't worry if you get upset and cry. Just remain calm and do not call names or lash out. They need to see you as a reasonable and stable person. You are hurt and since you are human you will have some tears. They need to see the pain OW has caused.

Hang in there. Keep coming here and let us help you.

I wish you luck Roughroad. I still haven't heard frome my WW since Monday after exposure. Stay strong hang in there and I will be praying for you.

John

okay, so as far as anticipating the worse. after i do expose to the OW parents (provided my H is not at their house-a possibility), should i go to my H's work immediately after and tell him? should i call him immediately after? should I wait to the next day and tell him? or should i just wait until he talks to me (that is if he ever talks to me)?

now, whenever or however he finds out, what should i say? give me some samples if he is angry, if he's sad, etc. getting down to the wire here. thanks!

It is impossible to predict her parents' reaction. Just state the facts, don't ask for their help, and be calm and professional like.

As for telling your H, I suggest you not volunteer anything unless he asks. Then tell the truth, again expressing that your goal is to restore your marriage and this can't be started with this distraction in the way.

WAT

........on the other hand, depending on how much you've emphasized to H the importance of honesty and full disclosure, you can make an argument to inform him right away. He's gonna find out anyway.

Feel your way and do what you think places you on the highest ground.

i guess telling him at work wouldn't be the high road. i guess i'll see how tomorrow night goes with her parents and like i said maybe the OW and my H will be there. I'm going to do a few drive- bys to get more prepared. after i talk to them then i'll decide whether to call him or let him contact me.

RR,

Right now you do not owe your WH an explanation. Don't disclose what you are planning to do before you do it and you don't have to go running to him to tell him either. Wait for him to call you -- and be prepared for him to be pretty pissed off and to say lots of mean "in the fog" speak because he will.

I'm sure this girl knew about you but I can bet my last dime since you were living out of state, he told OW you two were separated.

Oh, and don't believe the condom issue. If you have slept w/WH since the A began, get tested and ask WH and OW to be tested as well.

My WH was adament about wearing condoms -- he didn't. I got HPV and am now at risk for cervical cancer.

Keep your chin up and don't let anyone bait you -- stay calm and be the pillar of strength!

Good luck to you RR.

unfortunately, i haven't been w/my H since last october so I'm not at any risk of that.

just when i think i'm doing good or i have thinks figured out something happens. i still have access to my H's email account (he knows i do) and I don't usually open any messages because then he would definitely know i'm looking. but i decided to open a message and then i was going to delete it. it was a message from a friend regarding a local theater's show friday night, and it said that WH, his girlfriend OW, and this friend were going...etc. gosh, that stung.

i forwarded it to my email account which he doesn't have access to anymore and printed it out. i'm going to take it w/me along w/other things when i confront her parents tomorrow night. i can't believe he is actually telling people she is his girlfriend. I hadn't really been mad but i'm starting to get that way.

he's staying w/a friend while i'm at our house this week. i'm 99.99% it's the person who sent him the email (older woman that directs plays he's in and i believe she's divorced). After i talk to the OW parents tomorrow night, i'm going to call this friend and ask to meet w/her. if not and she doesn't hang up on me right away, i will say that what is going on w/my H and this other person is wrong and inappropriate and I am going to fight for my marriage, just FYI.

That's a thought about him telling people we were separated. didn't even think of that, just figured he didn't tell anyone he was married in the first place.

okay, i am starting to get mad, like i said above. i didn't think that exposing the A to my H's coworkers would do any good because 1)they are mostly convicts and drug addicts anyway (he's a waiter at a seafood resturaunt) 2)she doesn't work w/him 3)it't not exactly his dream job and I doubt his managers would do anything or even care if I told them.

however, with that being said, should i still try to tell his work? i'm even thinking about emailing all the people in his email address book and telling them, some of which include college professors(the vengeful me is starting to come out now). i planned on talking to his family when I get back to work next week.

okay, so tell me the truth and don't hold back, what do you think about the additional exposure aside from telling her parents because who knows maybe they are not even in town (have no idea). I have to leave town no later than sunday to be able to return to work on monday. i could call in sick on monday if i absolutely needed to.

Her parents - great idea.

His boss, college professors, friends - don't really need to know.

HIS parents need to know.

Essentially anyone who can exert influence on either of them and make it uncomfortable. Her parents may not believe you but if you have proof and stay semi calm they are likely to help.

No man likes his baby girl being with a MM.

Telling EVERYONE is not good - just makes it harder for you two to go out in poublic later.

OW's parents. preacher etcetera - they can be useful.

Hang in there.

thanks 2ofakind, i replied to you on my other post as well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> i think i might have to have a couple of drinks to be able to sleep tonight (yeah right).

gotta get to work on my "scripts" for tomorrow. prayers to all.

Yer welcom

...and stick to whiskey and not vodka... when people smell the whiskey they know your drunk, with vodka they can mistake it as stupidity :-)

Chin up sweety, OW's (well it is OC, other child) daddy might kick the crap out of H and save you the trouble.