Roughroad -

I am proud of you for remaining as level headed as you have throughout all of this.

I sense come anger in your recent posts. This is completely understandable. You will go through stages of anger, being sad, feeling extremely betrayed...you name it. Your anger will likely increase as the impact of all of this sets in. Be prepared for that. Try to stay away from LBing. I couldn't do that very well but you seem extremely stable.

Expose to all those that you feel might have some influence on your H and OW.

I agree with WAT....don't tell your H ahead of time. He might start painting a picture of some crazy lady. So go tell OW's parents and his parents as soon as possible. I would suggest that you write a letter stating why you did what you did. I'm sure someone here can post an example of this type of letter.

Be very expressive of your love and desire to save your M. Do not LB in this letter. When he finds out what you did then you do not have to worry about trying to speak calmly to him if he's crazy upset. You can hand him the note and let it speak for you.

You might also want to think about Plan B at this point. It seems you are already in a semi Plan B by living apart. I can promise that you are meeting some of his ENs right now. If you remove that OW will be faced with meeting all of his ENs and chances are she won't be able to.

Hang in there. Keep your head on straight and try to remain focused on saving your M. You are a strong woman. You can do this.

thanks all, yes, i have become a little angry but i know that is expected and i didn't do anything w/that emotion. the countdown has begun, my h said he would be here around 0900-1000 but no matter what times he shows up (i'm pretty sure he will), the clock has been set in motion. I am still going to talk to her parents tonight.

this is what i have memorized to say to my H today. (a lot of it is what i've seen or read on this website <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ).i'll have us sit down at the kitchen table.

"I feel badly for you being in such a bad place in your life that you became vulnerable to an affair. i know that you are entirely responsible for your choices as am i. I never realized the relational consequences of my actions or lack of them. inspite of everything i believe you still love me. Despite all the horrible days and nights i've had since I found out, it has strengthened my resolve. I have become strong enough to see past all the hurt and anguish through the next portion of our lives.

I've known you for over 12 years and we've been married for almost 11. I suspect that if you have considered working things out that you are afraid that things will go back to being the way they were. but unless you can change time that is impossible. things will never be the same. i suspect that you cannot see that our future is brighter than ever. we can have the tools to make the coming years the best they've ever been.

i'll know you'll find your way back to us and until then i'll remain yours. i want to share a couple of things that might sound familiar to you, just bare w/me.(i'll read one card he sent me before we were married and the card he gave me 6 months ago). there are few guarantees in life but i guarantee you will never have to have any doubts or fears about me again. (i plan on getting up at this point, kissing him on the cheek, and say I love you, then walk out the back door.)"

Okay, so what do you think?

If some could posts some letters or links to letters to a WS for status-post exposure time frame that would be great.

thanks again everyone!

Rough -

Is this supposed to be your plan b letter? If so you might want to look for some sample plan b letters.

I think this is beautiful and any normal person would probably breakdown with guilt after hearing it.

I think your H is deep in the fog. I do not think he will see this as someone who is not in the fog. Be prepared for him to not even listen to you. I'm not trying to hurt you hear I'm trying to prepare you for all possible reactions.

My H was crazy hurtful at times. The most hurtful he was to me when I was opening myself up to him like you are discussing here.

I would be all prepared with my speech and hoping that he would get up and walk over to me, wrap his arms around me and tell me that he loved me and that he would do anything he could to make this better. But he wouldn't. He would yell and scream at me. That was so hurtful.

I just want you to be prepared. Your H is an alien right now. He's not the man you married and love right now. That man is in there somewhere but he is being smothered by the FOG.

RR,
Make sure that you are prepared for that speech. Given my WW's reactions, anytime I have told her how much I love her (I haven't done that in a while.) I would expect nothing at best, anger or resentment at worst. Remember that you stand in the way of thier "happiness." I do, however, believe that if you handle it exactly as you say you will, it has the chance to serve as a lighthouse moment. The chance. But don't expect it. Good luck.

okay, part one is complete. my H just left, he was here about 3 hours and we talked almost the whole time. I'm not going to go into every detail. but i feel very good about the experience. i didn't LB, or do a DJ, or AO. he let me say what i had scripted above and we talked some after that, we both cried, laughed, hugged a few times, and a snuck a few kisses on his cheek and neck.

he says he can really see the changes i've made (physically and mentally) and that he is really happy for me. however, he says that he is discovering himself again and that for the first time in a long time he feels like a man. i didn't really go into that i am going to fight for our marriage but i made it clear i want to work things out and know we can get past this.

he thanked me a lot for talking w/him and that it was nice talking to me like this (being able to talk about anything), he even suggested doing something tomorrow, anything (like hiking w/dogs). but i'm not lying to myself, he is still in a fog, and the lies continue. i asked him if he had to work tonight, tomorrow night, sunday. and he said yeah. even though i knew full well that he has plans w/the OW and friends friday night. when he talked about doing something tomorrow he said, i have to work tomorrow night but we can still do something during the day.

i didn't say anything and just said have a good day at work. i will start the countdown for part #2. i'm supposed to pick up the rental car at 1700.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by roughroad:
<strong> however, he says that he is discovering himself again and that for the first time in a long time he feels like a man. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">alienese translation: I'm getting my ego stroked.

Did you agree to meet tomorrow?

Recommend you look nice for your drop in visit. Make a good, professional impression. Write down a way for OW's parents to contact you if needed.

WAT

yes, i know that this what a lot of this is about is making him feel good (meaning, she's making him feel that way). i didn't say anything about the addiction of an affair although i wanted to.

i have a script prepared and have thought of how i will answer if they say this or that. I plan on wearing what i wore today when my H came over. he couldn't get over how good i looked and said what i was wearing was a good look for me. It's not necessarily what i would call professional (khaki green drawstring pants, black sketcher lace up shoes, short sleeve button up white shirt), but it made me feel confident and i need a lot of that right now.

RR I wish you luck tonight. Sounds like you did a great job with the talk, I'm proud of you. I just hope that I have the will power that you do if I ever get to talk to my WW. If you get nervous before talking to OW parents try this exercise before you talk to them. Say Shut Up as fast as you can in like 30 seconds helps me out sometimes I read it in a book somewhere.

RR,

What type of e-mail account does he use?

If it's Yahoo, I know you can go back after reading a message and mark it as unread.

You can also have it save "sent" messages so you can read what he is sending to OW. Once you read them, delete them and empty the trash folder as well.

He'll probably never even check his sent folder or even pay attention as to whether anything is in there. For instance, if save sent items is checked, they you just saved the e-mail you forwarded to yourself in there so you will want to go in and delete that.

he uses excite, at least that's the one I have access to. he did have another one (yahoo), which is where i found the emails from her but he closed that account. does he still have another account, i have no idea. but anyway, he figured out about the sent message thing. but i still check his email a lot because when i'm at work i'm on the computer all day and i know he'll slip up (more than he already has).

i changed the password to the email account i have had for years and have always had the same password. i changed it to something he will never figure out. i don't feel obligated to let him have access to my account anymore. besides, his password to his excite account is my name, so he has to at least think of me for a split second every time he checks his email.

Hey RR how did it go?

well, let's just say it wasn't what i expected. i did anticipate that they might not want to talk to me or that they might deny everthing. but i didn't anticipate that they already knew he was married and they did.

i went to the ow house and knocked on the door, her mom answered (she was on the phone), i asked if this was the *** residence? ans she said which one (apparently there's lots of family in the area). I said ** and she said that was her and to come in and she just talked on the phone a little more. the room that i came into had a dinning table in it and on the table was a huge bouqet of long stem roses that had a note on it from my H that said i want to spend forever w/you and his name(or something like that).

her mom got off the phone and she said who did you say you were. i just said that this is awkward for me but i'm WH's wife, she said oh your BS, i said yes and that i guess that means they knew about me. she invited me to sit down and i did and we didn't really talk a lot because she said she felt awkward too and didn't know what to say but that she feels for me, for all 3 of us. she said her and her H have tried to talk to the OW but that she's young and sometimes there's nothing you can say.

i said that we are very married and that even though i live in another state that we were never separated and that i love my H and want to save my M. i really didn't know what else to say because i was so stunned that they actually knew and they weren't really doing anything.

her mom said that she has no experience w/these sort of things that she liked my H, they all did, he was a real nice person but that she also loves her daughter and doesn't want her to get hurt. she was just an innocent girl who met someone in a college class. she said that someone is going to be hurt in this situation and that she had told her daughter it might be her. but if my H has made up his mind, then what can you do.

she said just please don't harm my daughter, i said i won't and that i don't want to hurt anyone, i just want my H back. she said "your poor girl," i know that this must be killing you inside." i of course had cried some and there were some silent moments but I didn't say anything bad about her daughter or my H. i finally said that i guess i don't have anything else to say and thanked her for her time. she thanked me for coming over.

as i was walking out there were some pictures on the counter on a ledge and i looked at them real close and some of them were of my H w/her and they were all dressed up and i just started to cry and go to the door as fast as i could, she said be careful driving back as i was going out the door and i took a few steps and then just stopped in my tracks and turned around and went back to the door and said i'm not going to hurt anyone but i want to make it clear that i'm going to fight for my marriage because i love my H. she just said I know and i got into my car and drove away.

as i was driving i decided i was going to go to my H's work (he's a waiter) and tell him what happened that i still loved him no matter what, i was going to fight for our M, but for him not come over tomorrow (today). well i thought i better make sure he was at work (that was always a possiblity he wasn't). so i called him but usually when he's at work he doesn't answer and i just leave messages. so i decided i was still going to go to his work and if he wasn't there then i was just going to keep trying to call him until he answered or called me.

i was just a few minutes away from where he worked when he called me and he said why did you do that? i said where are you he said at work and i said i would be there in a few minutes to talk, he said he was working, i said i know but i would be there in a few minutes and hung up.

i got there and we went outside (the resturaunt he works at is on the beach). i'm not going to go into what all we talked about, i did try to leave a couple of times but he wouldn't let me. of course he went into how he tried to make it work w/me for years, years. i asked him how did he know that i went over to her parents house and he said that the OW mom called OW and she freaked out and came to his work and told him. he said i've probably ruined anything that they had (he didn't say this in a meal or cruel way just one that made him see some reality).

we talked for a long time (because he wanted to) of course he brought up a lot of things in the past and how much he tried to be happy w/me and that THIS is what it took for me to finally wake up. that he doesn't want to hurt either one of us and that maybe he is just destined to be unhappy. he said he didn't know that i still felt this way and that's why i was here because i said i would let him go last month (before i knew about the MB concepts and that they could help us). i asked if that would have made a difference? he said at least he would have been prepared, i said i know the feeling.

he asked if i still wanted him to come over tomorrow (today) and i said only if he wanted to. he said he will come over this morning because he wants some kind of resolution. he had to get back to work and we hugged and he said that he couldn't believe we could still hug after all this
i pulled his face towards me to kiss him and it was the first time that he pulled away when i tried to do this. i just turned and started to cry and he walked to go back to work and he said bye, i didn't turn around, he said bye, i didn't turn around, he said BS, i turned around and he said bye.

so that's where i'm at right now, we'll see if he will come over, i can't give him a resolution because i want to work on our marriage. i tried to talk about the MB concepts a little last night and said we can be better, there's other people in our shoes, etc. i'm going to see how it goes this morning, i would like to show him trueheart's letter (to all WS) we'll see how the day unfolds.

thank you so much for asking and thinking of me, I am still resolved in the fact i'm going to fight for my M. prayers to you as well.

RR I wish I could find the words to say. This is such a hard time in ones life. I'll give you a positive though at least you get to talk to your spouse, and your doing a good job of ignoring the fog speak. I just hope I'm as strong as you are when I finally get to talk to my WW. Good Job way to keep your composure. I'm proud of you just remember you are the better person.

thanks, yes, i should feel lucky that my H is at least talking to me. I guess i have a lot of mixed blessings right now. even though things didn't go the way that i thought they would or anticipated, i'm still glad i did it. maybe if he still doesn't want to work on things right now that maybe down this rough road he decides to move in w/her that he will fully wake up.

prayers to you and all those on the MB wesbsite.

Here's a thougth later on down the road if you wouldn't have done this you probobly would have been what if I had exposed the affair. So now you don't have to worry about that down the road. You don't have to what if or coulda shoulda woulda, you've done what is needed to be done.

yes, i agree. my h just called and wanted to know if he shoudl still come over, i said it was up to him, he asked if it was going to solve anything. i said "what do you think." he asked me just to promise not to do anything like what i did last night, i said like what, he said just showing up at her house. i said the only thing i can promise right now is that i love you. i asked him where he was and he said he was on a road headed towards our house. i said why don't we just talk about it when you get here. he said okay.

what to do now? i don't know. i know he's torn but so am i. i want it to be clear that i want to help save our M, but is this point that I plan B? I don't want him to think that i'm just going to give up and i don't want to promise anything that i can't keep. i don't want him to think that i am out to ruin her life or his. how do i do that? wish i could talk to S. harley right now.

I suggest you simply tell him that you're willing to do just about anything to save your marriage. Part of this was your decision to appeal to the sensibilities of the young girl's parents, in hope they would intervene.

He'll likely say it was none of your business. If he does, respond calmly that his relationship with this girl is threatening your marriage and that IS your business.

WAT

thanks WAT, I will try to do my best, and i am willing to do just about anything to save my M.
gotta go, he'll be here soonl

(((((((((((roughroad,)))))))))))))))

I want to tell you how brave and good you are. What you did took a lot of courage. You really shone the light on the affair, and it's starting to shrivel up.

Wow, really excellent work. You are not a woman to be trifled with.

Roughroad!

I had tears in my eyes when I read your message. You are such a strong person. It took so much courage to do what you have done; I really admire you for being so calm and standing up for yourself, your M as well as your husband.

I think you conducted yourself very well and this might very well have a positive outcome for you two. I really hope so and I will think about you in the next few days. Just continue on with Plan A and show your husband how much you love him and that this M means something to you.

I know it is not easy. I'm in Plan A myself and it is the hardest thing, but I'm trying every day. I have learned so much about myself since coming here and I know that I can be a stronger person and a better wife now. So can you.

You are doing good, girl. Keep it up! We are all rooting for you. You'll be fine.

Kati