Wh was home last night and left his pager in my room. OW paged him 4 times. Here are the messages:

1. 10:00pm, from Sheep.

It was nice to talkt to you today. Thanks for your help and support. I appreciate everything you did for me.

2. 10:00pm, from sheep(probably one message can not hold long enough message).

My cell battery is running low. It may only last 10 minutes. The connection is really bad.

3. 10:01pm, from sheep

Do you want to talk? I am still in my office. Call me at xxx-xxx-8538. LU(you should not what that mean).

4. 10:05pm, from sheep

Going sweet "H" now. Will talk to you tomorrow. LU


After that I confronted WH. He still denied. He said that she loves me or not is her business. He admitted went out with her and still said just friend(???) What do you want me to do? I told him NC, period. Of course I talked about that their relationship won't last. He said how do you know? B/c it is built on dishonesty. What he's doing is hurting to famlies and 4 children. He said that I didn't hurt the children i astill love them. I said that you did not hurt them, but what you did hurt them. I acknowledge that he is not happy in the M, and I was 50% responsible for that and I am committed to make the change. But A is 100% of his choice. He said that it is not OW he wanted a D, if it is not her, there may be other one. I said that I agree. That is why we need to work things out in our M. But he need to quit the A first. I told him I will call OW today. He said go ahead, it is your choice. Then he went to bed.

This morning, to my surprise, he was not angry. We had a short conversation about S. He asked me how I felt. It is not like the usual him. I know that technique of no LB worked. I did not argue with him last night, just told the fact and how I felt and asked for NC.

I just e-mail OW's H. Hope that he will wake himself up. Should I call OW?

Lostnhurt,

No, don't call the OW.

If you expect NC between your H and OW, you should adhere to the same guidelines.

Besides, there is absolutely NOTHING you can say or do that will change her mind. Your involvement will only make her that much more resolved to "win" your H. If you contact OW you are only acknowledging her existence and that she has power in your M. Ignore her. She's not worth contacting.

From what i read of TT, his wife called OW and tell her to stay away for her H. Did I read it right?

Bump

A few comments for you...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He said that she loves me or not is her business. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">always focus on him...my mistake, I focussed on her...it is NOT about her...forget about her...focus on HIM...

what is he doing...what is he feeling...what is he thinking...(I know I know, LOL!)

NEVER hold him responsible for her actions either...you are trying to separate these two, not link them together in any way...

she's an outsider...treat her as such...focus on you and your H, making the two of you a team again...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What do you want me to do? I told him NC, period. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">excellent...keep it short and simple...N/C, period.

have you discussed how to do N/C? for example, he might say: I can't help it if she texts me! then you can say: no you are not responsible for what she does...but you can tell me when she does, and you can choose not to respond to her...every time you respond to her, you encourage her to keep on contacting you and that is hurting our family and our M...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Of course I talked about that their relationship won't last. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'd really advise against saying anything else along these lines...don't try to educate your WS...it WILL backfire on you sooner or later...

in fact, I go further than this...I'd not talk about OW at all...

his feelings are his to have, right or wrong as you and I see them...he FEELS what he FEELS...don't argue...

instead, repeat YOUR messages over and over...the A is hurting you and your family, you want him home, the M can be better than it ever was, you see the mistakes you've made in the past and are working on them, there is no room for 3 in the M and your condition of continuing to be M is N/C with OW...

let everything else just flow past you...if he wants to talk about stuff, great! but do NOT try to change his mind...that comes way further down the road...it is important to let him come to his own realization about the fantasy nature of the relationship...

this is of course, my own opinion, my own experience...others here will tell you to bomblast your WS and bring them to heel...

works for some, backfires on others...you choose your own path...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I told him I will call OW today. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">why? I don't understand why you are calling her?

I agree with turtlehead on this one...complete waste of time...others think it helps...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just e-mail OW's H. Hope that he will wake himself up. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">are you exposing the A to him? If so, good for you!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know that technique of no LB worked. I did not argue with him last night, just told the fact and how I felt and asked for NC.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">good for you!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> keep up the good work...awed

Turtle Head is right!! Don't call the ow I did it and I regret it! Don't do it! I knew I shouldn't have and did it! I gave her more strength into my broken marriage

Do NOT call her. I did that as well. She harassed me to no end. She said the meanest cruelest things I could ever hear, including my WH never loved me, how much he loves her, wants to be with her. Wanted to know if I was going to STEP aside.

This irritated my WH to the point that he was throwing in the towel. He asked me MANY times to get the number changed, but I didn't. Eventually I got an ugly call, and ended up harassing and threatening my WH in the middle of the night at his elderly mother's house. Talk about a HUGE LB.

It's taken me weeks to lick my wounds from that.

Don't call her.

Awed and TH, thanks for your help and clarification. I won't call her. Let her be the B$$h and A$$.

But I did contact OW'h before and today. This guy was denying and denying. I sent him the text message and phone number she left. It will wake him up. I also told him that my WH is willing to go to MB seminar and is caring for our children. I mean we ARE working on the M.

I just sent an e-mail to my WH, telling him one quality I love him, caring his family and children. I thanked him for what he did yesterday. That is my plan, send him an e-mail per day to tell him one of his quality I love him and will love him forever.

It is great to hear all these advice. Don't call her, that was Believer told me yesterday. Believer, i didn;t mean to not trusting you. I just want to hear more opinion. This board is great. Thanks all.

I called OW every month during the A which I didn't think was an affair. Pointless. She was in a fog too.

The A was exposed when I told OWH what I knew. If OW isn't married, try OW's pastor, parents, siblings, co-workers and any people who might have an influence on your H, including parents and siblings.

Harley has used this quote: "Sunlight is the best disinfectant." A relationship built on deception often ends in the light of truth.

I hid a broken arm to protect my H. I hid what he said about Sophia to preserve what I thought was trust.

Your H is showing more care for OW than for you, and so it is not retaliation to expose the lie. How I wish I had. At the time of the A, there were 6 children under the age of 7 between the two families. How tragic.

Thanks, Cherished. I did expose the A to his parents, his cousins, my sis, his firend, OW's H and his family. I did what i could.

I read one of your thread about the MB program. How are you doing now? We are going to MB weekend, as I know of, the MB program will be follow up. Is it hard? Love to hear your opinion.

"Sunlight is the best disinfectant." You did a great job of exposing the A!

I am very pleased with the program; however, it is not a program to save marriages. It really is a program to end bad marriages. It forces a decision if you go through it.

You start with the weekly commitment to spend 15 hours together in one on one time. Then you go through a very structured program to learn how to meet each other's needs and avoid hurting each other. There are two follow up courses and each is based on a Harley book, His Needs/Her Needs and Love Busters. We started with Love Busters and Harley recommended we switch to HN/HN before we end the M. We started HN/HN last week and finished lesson 1 last night.

I think that the program is exposing many, many problems with our M. I told my H that I am committed to going through the program. If he wants to opt out, that's his choice.

The best part about the program is that there is e-mail support on a daily basis. I hate to admit it, but I have sent probably 80% of the e-mails since last month. If you scroll down to the private e-mail, you'll see a topic, date and time. For example, Emotional Needs - Basic Concepts March 23 12:42? That's me responding to Harley on how to handle and what to think of my H losing his temper at me on Sunday so that I slept with a cell phone from the shelter in my bed.

We've spent maybe $6,000 on MC, and MB is better than what we got with the two MCs. With the MCs, I got to know them and not my H. With MB, the focus is on each other.

I think there is very little chance of our M surviving, but I am pleased that there is no chance of a bad M surviving. I've gained 40 pounds in 2 years. Disgusting! I have sedated myself with food instead of getting on anti-depressents. It's time to end the bad M. I don't want my 3 girls to have their husbands treat them like their Dad now treats their Mom.

Good luck! I never did get my H to a MB Weekend. I think that would be ideal, but at least he is willing, for the moment, to go through the program.

<small>[ March 24, 2004, 07:01 PM: Message edited by: Cherished ]</small>

Chrished,

Thank you for your perspective. Your imput is really important for me. Please keep me updated on what is going on.

To be honest, I get on MB when I am most upset with my H, and this week has been really difficult. I do think that it is forcing the issue. Today, we discussed how I can let him know a concern without his getting upset that I am making a demand. Yesterday he got so upset with me on the phone that when I hung up and my 10 year old daughter asked me what was wrong, I said, "I hope you never marry someone who treats you like Dad treats me." That's terrible that I said that. What I most like about the program is you see the whole of it upfront - 24 lessons and that's it. We have now completed 4. I have made a personal commitment to go through all 24. In the middle of the night last night, I was telling myself that this is my way to "earn my divorce." I have very little hope, but there still is some, and it is not some feeling of hope that I am clinging to but a very structured program. If he opts out, I'm done. That gives me the fortitude to continue even when he is still being so nasty and scaring me.

Cherished, I am sorry for what you are going though. I know there is a rough road in front of me.

How nasty is your h treating you? I can not imagine if he goes through this and still not learn how to handle things right. Right now, the worst thing he treats me is the A and lies. I just live my life day by day without any expectation. Just J concerned me so much. But I know that i am stronger day by day too.

The abuse was inconsequential in comparison with the A. With the abuse, it was between us and was in my face. (Literally). With the A, it was built on lies and a relationship with another woman.

The abuse was conflict. The affair was abandonment. The affair hurt far far worse.

BUT I realize he is capable of killing me, and that is the reason for caution in proceeding.

Good luck to you. A good start is this weekend. We had lots of false starts before we got to it.

Cherished,

The A is killing me. Even I confronted him so many times, he still can not break the A. He is out again now. The MB weekend is not till 4/30. I don't know how I can survive to that time.

L&H,

I know how hard it is to make it through one day, let alone a month or more! Be very thankful he's agreed to go to the seminar, keep praying, and don't LB.

Sometimes when I look ahead, I think I can't do it another day (frequently anymore). But if I look back, I have been enduring this since October, and somehow I'm still alive. If I've made it that far, I can make it another month, I guess. Same goes for you.

I'm going nuts waiting to see if WH decides to give his 30-day notice on his apt at the end of March. If he does, April 30 will be sort of a defining day for him, too, because he'll either have to move back home (and OW must be completely gone) or he'll have to find another place to live.

LL

LL, thanks a lot. Let's hang in together. I feel so weak now. But I know that I can survive.

Lostnhurt,
I would reconsider being in Plan A. If it is killing you, perhaps you should move to Plan B -- no contact at all until the MB weekend.

That weekend is not a magical cure-all. The ball is still in your husband's court. If he isn't willing to end contact with OW, then maybe you should end contact with him. One part of the MBW program is access to the private e-mail for follow up. One woman emailed in after the weekend that her husband had been in contact with his lover DURING the weekend. He told her to move to Plan B.

I merely suspected that my H was having an emotional affair with a woman and it was so bad that I would look at my nearly 1 year old child and think about her, as an old lady in a nursing home, telling someone that her mother committed suicide before she was even one year old. Don't underestimate the damage being done to you. He's addicted. He needs to decide to get over the addiction. The MB program is a program for recovery, but he still has to make the decision.

Looking back, I was going to go to Plan B the month before the A became physical. How much better it would have been had I done that, even if our M had not survived. My dignity was sacrificed, and our children were traumatized, because I was trying to save our M. I vote for Plan B until he makes a commitment to end all contact. Anyway, you might want to call Harley on his radio program. They don't get many callers. I called many times and got through nearly every time. He can size up a situation very quickly. I emailed his radio program two weeks after the affair started, and he told me to call the woman's husband, and I didn't. I regret that too. Harley may be able to give you some good insight in case you should move to Plan B before the weekend.