Ok so this is a vent or depression but what ever it is its ugly . So if your in a bad place this is not a place to read .

I woke up yesterday and it started with a bunch of bad dreams the night before , I got kids off to school and H off to work .

Then I looked in the mirror and I looked for to long ,,, I fell apart , I know what I have been trying to do and I know that I am supposed to witch is move foward .

I can't help seeing an ugly person , truely ugly
I feel age setting in the boobs droppin , [censored] sagin , the strech marks ect. The weight coming back from the INFEDELITY DEIT . I am sick of my self as a hole .

Then I tried to look beyond that , I see a fool , a jackA$$ a sucker. (this is me please no one get offended) I am not strong I am week as they come , this is an act that I lived in , a show of strength that really all I want to do is crawl in to bed and cry my eyes out till I sleep and not wake .

I remeber years ago and how girlfreinds and guys to would talk about affairs , ya know there was always a couple (alot ) who would say , "THAT WOMEN DIDN"T KNOW HOW TO KEEP HER MAN "

Thats how I feel , a failure , here I was thinkng that I was this wondeful women he couldn't find one better, well that proved to be wrong .

My H was still able to get that PRETTY YOUNG THING , I wasn't women enough for him and probbly never will be .

No there is N/C as best to my noliage and he is here and says the right things and has explained this A to me as much as I could have possiably asked .

Thats not the point , it did its damage I am shot . I see myself as a NO BODY a useless women .

I am empty and ugly inside and no matter what I read or do I can't shake that . I walk around and yes do a great job of putting on a mask and getting through life . But inside I am gone .

None of this is what I want , but it never will be cause what I want is to be young and beutiful and to have never had my H share anything with another women .

And all those things I can never have , I mean even if we divored (witch I will never do) all those things will still have happened .

Am I makeing any sense, ? It don't matter if H was the worlds greatest FWS , it still won't change how I feel inside .

The only winners are H and OW . OW cause in reality she was truely able to distroy ME . And H well cause he got to remove himself from a M when he wanted and and live a fantasy as if he where 18 all over again and come back to what is stable and comfortable with someone who will always stand by him .

Yes I know the he will live with the guilt forever crap , but it was still a fantasy and fantasys are fun escape is great .

I mean who in the world don't dream atleast once to escape the crap of everyday life .???


The bills, the yelling, the house work , the kids ,the mess .

We have no money , things are spinning down in alot of ways but yes we have one another .

But nothing that happens even the closeness we may have to eachother doesn't change that facts that I am just a person exsisting with nothing inside of me .

I mean I wanted to just smack myself around yesterday for the looser that I am . Then of corse there was the moment that I feel I didn't do anything to that $LUT !

That makes me feel evenmore worthless that I just didn't beat her head into the ground , I mean I aloud this I didn't do anything to her and I can't live with that .

I know please I know there are those who will say it was him not her , but NO she palye a BIG part and was and willing and wanted to help break this M and was very involved in the emotionaly crap with my kids .

What ever its about me , I just can't stay strong everyday when I feel like this and I can't talk to H about it , he can't understand or maybe don't want to , either way thats another thing I get to suck up .

MC is out for at least 6 months , not going into the resaons but we can't .

So I pretend to be strong and then break down every so often . But I will tell ya this much I won't be lokking into any morriors any time soon .

Thanks for listening . so am I going to get this is a stage the 9 month thing or something?

3 -

Are you on any anti-d's? Please do so immediately. It will help. Trust me here. It will help.

Please stop focusing on what this has done to you. If you continue to feel like such a martyr that is exactly what you will be.

Read the articles here and follow the plan set forth by MB concepts. They work. I'm proof of that.

Might I also suggest that you put all of this negative energy you have feeling bad about yourself into something more productive. If you aren't satisfied with your body right now....do something about it.

You do not have to join a gym (I take it money is tight). Start slow. Go for a walk in the mornings or evening when you have time. The fresh air will help you. Look for unconventional ways to workout without having to take a class or join a gym. If you have a bike...take some bike rides. I promise you will feel so much better about yourself if you stop looking at what you think is wrong with you and take control of that. If you don't like it change it!

You can do it.

Don't let OW win this. You are in control. If this ruins you it will not be her fault it will be because you let it.

Turn to God. Give your martyr status to him. He sacrificed so much for you...trust in him now.

Can you think of any other ways you can work to improve your self image?

What other things would you like to change about yourself? Focus on the areas you have control over.

Hang in there. I'll be praying for you.

What Heroswife said is true.

You will need to take 'babysteps' in re-gaining your self-esteem. The affair was in no way your fault....ABSOLUTELY NOT!

All of us BS know how you feel.
I have looked in the mirror at the beginning of discovery and the eyes looking back at me were sad sad eyes.

But I decided that life is not like a tape recorder that we can re-wind and start over.
Every day we are making a new 'tape'.
And I longed to have my happy spirit again!
(We only get one chance at life.)

Depression is the lack of HOPE.
And it is up to each of us to find that HOPE.

Take some steps to improve your outside, your inside, and your home.
Laugh more, play more, the taking walks, especially with your hubby, is a good idea.

Just try, sweetie, really try!
And keep posting here.
You will get counselor-type advice from the old-timers that have heard it all and have good suggestions for your marriage.

Sincerely, Julie <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I can feel your pain in your words. Please, for your own self worth, and the survival of your marriage, put this on a shelf until you are better prepared to deal with it.

Work on TODAY. As you get stronger, and feel better, you can start taking those pieces down and dealing with them. There is too much for you too carry. Put some down for now. It will be there when you're ready.

Your WH is with you, and obviously loves you. You've won a HUGE battle, think of it as your battle scars, and in time they'll heal.

Dear Methusaleh -- I say "Methusaleh" because you talk like you are 900 years old. I looked at your tag and realized you are ONLY 36! I am 14 years older than you are! I remarried the love of my life (i.e., WS) at 43! You have lots and lots ahead of you!

But do something cheery. Do you read? Read some bios of strong women (Indira Gandhi, Golda Meir, George Sand, etc.) Or a good detective novel with a strong plot. Make a campaign about your body -- go for walks, slather your skin with cocoa butter. See some good, engrossing movies -- I just rewatched Peter Brook's "Mahabharata" and am very into the concept of dharma right now. Have done lots of Indian cooking for friends. Why don't you invite a few over to your house and cook something? New friends and old.

Glue some funny faces over your mirrors.

Get a kick out of life, and forget about H. Write him off. For now, anyway. Perhaps forever -- but meanwhile start checking out some older men. (Not dating, just window-shopping.) They'll think you're gorgeous!

Wait a minute! This is unclear. H is still with you? You've won!

FWIW I can chime in and say you're not alone.

I remember thinking "I'm so messed up. I'm 'broken goods' now. How will he ever want me? How will anyone ever want me? I'm an emotional wreck, I'm totally broken and messed up and I'll never get rid of this baggage."

Then I got really pissed at him, because HE was the one that "broke" me.

Then I got really scared, because now I was broken *and* pissed, so of COURSE he'd never want me like *that*....

What a horrible time that was. I think you're probably focusing on your age and body because she was so young. I focused on how boring and untalented I was (she was an artist).

Try very hard to quit beating yourself up. This WILL go away. Focus on improving yourself - not because you're not good enough already, but because you are worth the effort, the time, the love, the consideration. Think of those L'Oreal commercials... Because You're Worth It!

{{{{{{3isacrowd}}}}}}

Hi 3,
Sorry to see you here feeling so bad.

It's that feeling of loss that can be so overwhelming at times. Combine that with financial stress, kids, Recovery and UGHH, it can be tough!
I feel it on and off at times and it can really suck the life out of you, IF YOU LET IT!
But the old M is gone, your H is back and he's back for a reason!! IF OW were truly that great he would still be there!

None of this is fair, but it doesn't have to be the end of something that was good, it can be the beginning of something that is BETTER!
Don't give in to the sad feelings, feel it and acknowledge it and then move past it.

It's spring!! Time to renew those efforts at self-improvement! I'm ready, long overdue in fact. I feel those pounds slipping back on too! I don't want to go back to those days....I know how much my weight loss has helped my self-esteem through all of this. Time to take a few more off and FIRM up the rest!

Let's commit to excercise, healthy diet and focus on the positive! Once you start feeling better about yourself it will reflect in everything else you do! You with me? (Can you tell I'm trying to psych myself up as well as you!!)
Don't rule out anti-D's.

Gotta go, but check back in will you?

Take care,
Shugah

3isacrowd - I hear you...loud and clear...especially today. My H's 'pretty young thing' is 10 yrs older than me though...damn, that's a hard one to deal with...

...anyway, I just wanted to send you a((**hug**)) and let you know you're not alone. Chin up.

Thanks all for the responses , sorry if anyone was brought down with it.

AM - yes my H is with me , he has been home for 2 years but the N/C didn't happen till 10 months ago . Strange process of recovery .Anyway I feel 900 yrs old . I am wiped OUT !

I here everything everyone is saying and belive me I really do . But I just think I have been at this for so long now and also have posted to others about some very simalar things the excirse , dieting find some enjoyment ect.

I know all these things and had been doing then , but they are a mask to keep everything else around me stable ,,, when in reality I don't feel good or look good either . Laughing is just an emotion I process for the cover , am I making sense. ??????????

I do the day to day I play with my chilren I watch tv with my H , I have my freinds over and visit as well , we cuddle , talk ect.

And the hole while in the back of my head ,I am srceaming what the FU&* !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I fight thisa feeling eveyday , and now I don't want to fight , I want to cry and stamp my feet .

AM you said , "your H is home your a winner" and I feel horriable cause he is home and he does nice things but honestly it is never enough .

Sounds do terriable for me to say that I know but there are time that I think the only thing that would satisfie me is if he where crying and saying sorry 24 hours a day and then I know that wouldn't even be good enough .

I don't think I am explaining this right , MAybe I don't even know what I want or if H could even do anything to make me feel hole again .

Like all BS's know they can not change the PAST , So there for I feel like it won't matter .

Yes I wanted a new M a better M and for the most part I have that ,,,, BUT I want my old M in the respect that I was his LOVE , I only touched his heart .

I know no matter what he tells me about the A , he is not telling me the trueth that he really thought he LOVED HER , he says no although he told her I LOVE YOU , he always knew he did not .

BUT I spoke with this women , there are things that she discribed , that where exactly ME AND HIM from our past . and yes was he kind of like makeing belive she was me YES I think so .

BUT that means he shared with her , does anyone get it . ???

What ever it all just goes to defining me , The things I shared with him was 80% who I was what made me feel good about me , now that that wa shared i feel I am no one , .

I have no desire to become anything never did , I am empty and on the out side well that just doesn't seem to come together fast enough .

I lost over 52 lbs before he came home , and that meant alot to him and to me , now 20 of its on again and I feel hopeless .

I can't explain it it hurts and feels terriable .

He called and I just start crying today , he says that I don't understand I have nothing to worry about he loves me and is here for good and has no desire to ever speack to OW again . BUT thats just not it , he already has touched her, helped her, took care of her and made her feel good about herself .

AND above all still to this day feels bad for her and thinks all in all she is a really nice person who had a hard life and he didn't make it better by BETRAYING HER!

AND no ladies and gentalmen this man is not in any FOG at all . And incase any are thinking he might be talking to her , well that has been snooped out , spyed out and micriscoped I can't find a DAM thing .

So if he is it would be 30minutes a day by pay phone . and at that point I wouldn't be able to do a darn thing about it . He shows no signs no flags .

Thats just how he always felt about the situation with her , that she is good PEEPS >>>>>PUKE!

It almost seems that you are showing signs of clinical depression.
Could you go to the doctor and see what he thinks?
I know anti-depression medicine isn't always the answer, but it just might help you.

The hole in your heart, the emptiness, should be filling up with the love your H is showing you.

You just can't dwell on the fact that he had feelings for another woman...that can't be changed. What happened, happened!
I know, as I am dealing with the same thing.
But it is over...past tense...life has to go on and I want a HAPPY life and peace of mind...not muck-raking past mistakes.
I believe that is what you crave also; "peace of mind!"

Can YOU think of a way to fill the emptiness you feel inside?
Sincerely, Julie

<small>[ March 24, 2004, 02:44 PM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

can I think of away to fill the emptyness????

Yes only one sick thing and the death penalty is in affect so I can't do that .

If I know she was never to walk the face of the earth again , it is possiable that I might fill a part of it . but not even that will take away the rest .

And I know as well as anyone here that nothing is ever going to take it away . I know the A is the past , I know it can not be erased ..I know all these things . and my H love comes in at the moment but holding on to it inside is hard , because I feel sometimes that if he could give it away once then how is it I am worthy to keep it if I wasn't worthy to keep it all the first time without interuption .

My H has the greatest selfesteem , he can pick out things about himself that are great and I just think of corse he can after all he KNOWS he can get that HOT LITTLE SKINNY YOUNG thing anytime he wants .

This changed everything , this changed that I was it , I was the best thing he ever had , now I am not I can be repalced thats the reality .

Thats the thing that sticks with me , I am not IT , I am not the end all anymore.

I am not saying that he says any of these things , I feel these things . OF course if I talk to him about this , he looks at me as if I am from another planet and says no way , that is why I am with you cause I could never replace you .

WEll then why did she get in ????

He has come to a block to try to explain anything to me anymore cause he feels as if I will punch a hole through it and I know I do . But thats me .

the past will live in me , it is a part of WHO ever the he!! I am .

3- again, I don't think I have much to offer here but I wanted to comment on what you said,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel sometimes that if he could give it away once then how is it I am worthy to keep it if I wasn't worthy to keep it all the first time without interuption .
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If nothing else but to let you know that you are not alone, I too feel this. I'm in a HUGE rut right now. I don't know what put me there (my H has been working very hard on meeting my ENs) and I'm not sure how to get out of it but that's why I'm here...on these boards...looking for advice from those who have been through this...felt this...survived this.

Please come back and post for help. Maybe seeing a doctor for some medication would be helpful. If nothing else, it might just clear your head enough to help you get yourself refocused on your positive attributes.

My guess is that you don't feel this way ALL the time -- you feel this way now and so it feels like it has been all the time. It will pass.

But "acting" sounds like a good idea -- act happy, act pleased, and you'll be surprised at how much you trigger precisely those emotions. At least till this dry spell passes. In any case, you are more likely to attract happy and pleased people to you that way, and that will help.

I really do recommend some books about good, strong women who made it without men. We base too much of our thinking and feeling on how they react to us.

And have a few dinner parties. At this point, thinking of how you burned the hors-d'ouevres would be a relief from the kinds of thoughts you are having now.

As for weight, yes, infidelity triggers severe appetite loss. But we can't live that way. What's a REASONABLE weight for you to maintain?

My dear sweet 3 ((((((motherly hug))))))!
I understand how you're feeling and it will pass. Don't let your circumstances right now rob you of your sense of self worth. You are a special person, 3, to have overcome what you have. And if you want to discuss sagging things and old age, I can speak with experience! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I understand the feelings about H getting to escape from reality with a "sweet thing" while you're left to contend with real life. I understand wanting to be young and beautiful and wanting to be the one and only for your H. Their A's stole the last part from us. But we can be (well you can be young) and beautiful. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> If you think YOU'RE old, what does that make me?..DEAD? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Put on that strong mask, 3. Because in reality, that is you. You're just tired for a while and that's OK.

I'll check on you later. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I read your post and it made me weep...

I hope that every Wayward spouse that ever graces these boards reads this post....

Let me just ramble thru my thoughts...
and know that formost I am sorry you hurt....

She the OW holds great blame....
but SHE is nameless and faceless...and even in your husbands quest to protect her from not being the "bad guy".... that is much a reflection of your choice in the type of man you have as an husband...
you have chosen well...

Would the pill be easier to swallow.. if she truly was the scum of the earth...I think not....

I believe that people can become so lost that they turn to others in an attempt to fill that loniless..

I believe that they are in a great war with theirselves and their souls when this occurs...

I believe that they can act and behave in ways that appear to bring them great joy and fun and excitement...and yet inside they hurt more than we can imagine if we base it on their appearance and the apprearance of their actions....

I think that people can find themselves again..or for some for the first time...
and those actions that appear to others so free and fun..bring them shame and embarrassment...
so that the person who is in front of you now is not the same person who was in such inner turmoil then...

I believe in GOD's infinite love...and humankind's ability to change and become someone else...

GOD hears your pain 3isa
he hear your hearts song...

and I suggest you pray...
and I suggest you try to find some of the books out there on the lives of Saints...regardless of religious backing...from their stories much peace and wisdom can come...

I would offer Saint Francis as an example...who teaches that it takes brute strength and courageous determination to be happy...that sometimes it takes more courage to turn to God than it does to turn away from Him....

she is nothing to you and him...
in the big picture of this universe...

seek your blessings 3isa..they are there...believe....

ARK

Ark that was an excellent post. EXCELLENT!!!!!

TO4T--thanks for the Mamma HUG ! And yes I 2 try to tell myself this is a stage that will pass , but after all this time if it was a stage it would have , no this is very much me .

Ark - what can I say , I was in tears . many thanks for your post it touched me deeply , WOW look at that I can feel LOL .

I thought I had truely turned to GOD and pray but maybe I am kidding myself and really still am holding on to blameing someone even if it is GOD .

My children are in catholic school and I am surounded by all that they are learning and I teach them just as I was by my family and for the most part I look at them and know that I have helped them become loving children .

To respect all others , not to find the bad but the good in all people , .

I had done such a good job , that my children have even learned to never blame the OW .

WOW now that was a kick in the A$$ , LOL

I have just always felt since this hole thing started that I will except that I am damaged in an unreversable way , but that I would get everyone else through this with as little pain .

No I am no saint , this isn't that hole poor me thing just the feelings I need to share .

Why should all around me suffer if I can hold on to the pain for everyone and allow them all to escape some and to come out with there selfesteem back intact.

AM I making sense again ??? LOL

For my H I would move hean=ven and earth for HIS happiness , never to feel or live with his mistake . And in away its what I felt I was doing for OW , FOLLOW this .

I allowed , for them to continue contact for 17 months , 1 - because my H asked me to allow him to let her go HIS way , so that as little damage would come out of this for HIM and for OW!

2-I did it not just for him but because I felt it would make me a better person , not to allow OW to suffer all the pain and LESS emotional turmiol then if she where to be told the truth and just let go the way she should have been ,for her to have to not face the reality that she really NEVER was going to have anything with him or that HE never loved her and still loved me .

This is not some bull**** it is what I thought in my mind at the time and in the long run I thought I would be the better person for it .

NO I am not , I can't find it , I can't convince mayself any more of that . I should have had her FEEL all the pain for her part in this situation .

I should of let H and OW take more of the fall out for what they caused ME and eachother.

Again that is in the past now I can not undo what I have already let happen.

I to wish other WS would see this post , I want then to know really know that sometimes this pain stays in ways they wouldn't even understand.

I'll be back,,,,, TU to all of you ,,, ((((HUGS)))

Yikes - it seems like you might be co-dependent. You might want to read up about it.

3,

I hear ya. You have been the better person. Just don't lose yourself in that.

Don't let this get you down. However, you must forgive to be the better person.

I don't want to ruminate and go into detail of what my spouse shared with ow that was precious to me, and visa versa for you.

As to your last post. I should have told you that is is okay and normal what has been going on with you. My FWS and I kept very close to each other in first year of recovery. Did not associate with but a very few friends You are branching out a bit and that is part of recovery. Insecurity at this time is normal. Don't stress.

Just remember to meet those EN's of H. It will all come back to you. H isn't getting any younger you know, so you go there for just one minute.

I know how hard it is. PerhapsBS's need to learn that we are the one's that are special and really truely <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> the only one. I KNOW how it is.

Hon. Your H is home with you. Please thank the Lord everyday for this.

(((((((((((hugs!))))))))))))

Love in Christ,
Miss M