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Joined: Oct 2003
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Howdy folks, it's been a while. Just stopped in to say hi and give a quick update on where my whole mess stands.
The Divorce is proceeding, well, as expected. I can't say that I'm not upset, but it could be worse. What upsets me the most is that the judge has ordered me to pay temporary alimony to my (soon-to-be-ex) Wife. Here I am, have to watch every penny just to make sure I have decent food to eat, while she's flying to Vegas for 3 days of partying and who knows what else, AND buying a whole new wardrobe for that trip, and I still have to give her even MORE money? Feh, it may be equitable, but it's sure not fair.
SHE decided to have multiple affairs; SHE decided to move out; SHE decided to file for Divorce; yet I'M the one who seems to be doing all of the suffering, while she's got freedom and money to burn.
Beyond that, this marriage is absolutely over, for good, no doubts, no hesitation. If there's one thing in my life that I'm sure of, it's that I never want her to be even the tiniest part of my life again. I think we were just too far gone before I discovered the series of affairs last fall, and this site as a result. I probably should have been in Plan A two years earlier, and been in Plan B a year ago. So I really don't thin there was any hope for us by the time I got here.
Plan B is supposed to "protect the love we have remaining", right? Well, either my Plan B is horrible (and I haven't had even the tiniest bit of contact with her in 6 weeks), or the love was already gone before I hit Plan B (and I just didn't know it yet). I'm pretty sure it's the latter.
The absolute truth of this relationship is that, as the old saing goes, "I wouldn't take her back if she was the last woman on Earth". I have absolutely ZERO respect for her now, don't trust anything that she might EVER say or do, and am looking forward to the wonderful life I have ahead of me once this Divorce is over; once it's all settled as to just HOW broke and HOW homeless I'll be. But at least I'll be free of the traumas and heartaches and frustrations and disappontments that riddled our 7+ years together. I have nothing but great opportunities ahead of me, and I can't wait to get started on that new phase of my life.
Best wishes to all of my MB friends. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
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Joined: Aug 2003
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UN... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ...so sorry to hear your news...
you said on another thread that you weren't good at listening to advice...actually, you are someone I gave up on posting to because you did not want to listen...do you remember me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I kept telling you to work on you...and now here you are...still so angry...
UN I will try again...because you seem like a nice man underneath all that anger...and I would so very much like to see you heal yourself now...
THIS IS ABOUT YOU!!! (sorry for shouting but you don't listen so well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) the anger hurts you...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have nothing but great opportunities ahead of me, and I can't wait to get started on that new phase of my life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">great to hear it! work on dispelling that anger, that resentment, that bitterness...I KNOW how much it hurts pal...try to release the hurt now...
since you've given up on your M, get to work on this now, do this for yourself...as your best gift to yourself...
let it go...
you are done with her? so be done with her...let it go...start RIGHT NOW to free yourself of the "traumas and heartaches and frustrations and disappontments that riddled our 7+ years together"...
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "Integrity is doing the right thing, even when nobody's looking." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">do the right thing...no one expects divorce to be anything but bitter but even though no one is "looking", you still do the "right" thing...let it go...
I'm not saying don't fight fairly for your rights! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> just let the emotional attachment go...
all my best to you...please take very good care of yourself...awed
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Joined: Feb 2003
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Oh sweetie! He's right -- let go of the anger. This is Plan B at work. It's supposed to cut the cord. I feel much the same way about my H -- but since there is truly NC, there's no way for him to make any deposits in my $LB. At some point, should he do so, my feelings might change. Right now they stay at nada. Fine by me. I expect it is the same for you.
You don't know what's going to happen -- you only know what's likely to, and what you want to happen.
Fight cleanly -- and bon voyage!
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Thanks, and of course I remember you awed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I'm working on that. Every time I feel like that anger is finally fading away, I get some notice from the courts, or some new demand from her lawyer, and there I go again. Plus, it doesn't help that I still live in the house that we bought together, and that I still have to see their stuff piled in the garage every day, waiting for them to come collect it.
I think that's why I'm so looking forward to getting this over with. I feel stuck in this "holding pattern", where I can't quite move forward, but I never want to go back. So until this is all finalized as to how much, if any, alimony I'll have to pay; whether I'll be able to get refinanced on the house or be forced to sell it; basically, get a firm answer and plan for what my finances and living arrangements will be; well, I'm just stuck here waiting....like I'm in prison, counting the days until my release.
Life sure won't be perfect (is it ever?) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> But I know that it'll be filled with endless opportunities, if I can just get through this whole process.
Once I know that I won't have to deal with her anymore, once I have that closure, I'll finally and completely be able to let go of the anger. It's just so difficult to do when something else that's hurtful and destructive seems to be shoved in my face every other week.
Thanks again folks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />
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Yes, I know that "holding pattern" feeling -- it frustrates me, too. Everyone says "move on" (a cliche) but really you can't yet, cause you've got all this stuff. You've changed in your own head -- you can't "go back" because you're a different person. Maybe the "holding pattern" is to help deepen and fix those changes -- to really make your understanding more permanent.
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Joined: Oct 2003
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That makes a lot of sense A.M.
Ok, this may be anger and bitterness talking, but it really doesn't feel like it. I'm really very calm, very unemotional as I sit here watching my school in the NCAA Tournament as THE cinderella story (especially if they hold on to win tonight...GO NEVADA!!!)
Anyway, I keep reading people saying things along the lines of "My spouse is really a good person making bad decisions", or things to that effect. I honestly don't see my STBXW in that way. She has a long history of lying, of being unfaithful, of breaking promises, of putting her own desires ahead of everything else. Heck, she left the kids at her ex-MIL's home for an entire summer one year! Coincedentally, that was right after I found out about her first affair (that I know of) back in 2001, which is when our marriage really started to decline.
Anyway, I don't see her as just "temporarily insane", or things like that. I know her, I'm seeing clearly now things that I didn't see, or didn't WANT to see before. Her recent actions aren't the anomoly, they are who she's always been. I could name example after example going back 10 years to demonstrate that belief.
So my point is, I'm jealous of so many of you. Those who are married to good people caught up in bad things. Those who see their spouse as someone who can recover from these mistakes. In many ways, I wish I was lucky enough to be married to someone of that character. Then there'd be a hope and desire to save this thing.
But I really don't see it here. Now that I AM seeing things clearly, I'm seeing a lot of things about my wife that really make me wonder how we stayed together for any length of time.
Oh well. Just posting my thoughts. Best of luck everyone.
GO NEVADA! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
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If it's any consolation -- and it's a weak one, I know, UN -- my H is the same.
I'm a third wife. Looked like he was breaking a pattern, but then succumbed to it again, and perhaps has lost the power to break it forever now. This is not an anomalous pattern of "a good man making a mistake," but a man who has let his weaknesses overrun his life, and is becoming increasingly powerless to stop them. At one point, he saw this, but was unable to stop it.
From one point of view, UN, we're luckier. We don't have to look back and say, "What if...what if...what if..." There are no "what ifs" here, and we can't kid ourselves that we're responsible. Lots of the folks with "good men/women making a mistake" don't recover their marriages, and are left with the feeling that it could have been different.
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Joined: Oct 2003
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Thanks again A.M. In a lot of ways, it is consolation.
And I'm not trying to say that I'm perfect, not by a long shot. I know that I was a VERY different person when our relationship and marriage began. Now that I'm clean and sober, and I never want to go back, I'm looking for very different things in my life. Maybe, at that time, I knew she was capable of this behavior. Maybe, where I was at that time, I actually WANTED somone like this. Maybe it really fit well into my messed up, irresponsible, selfish, destructive lifestyle.
So I'll certainly accept my part in messing up. In not handling some things better, and in becoming a very different person than I used to be. I'm no longer the wild, crazy, out-of-control party animal that I used to be. If that's what she's looking for, then more power to her. I have no place passing judgement on that choice, as I lived that way for many, MANY years.
But who I am now, and what I want in my life, she is not now, nor has she ever been, capable of filling that place in my life. I'm trying to stay away from saying hurtful things about her being a "bad person" and such. But everything she's said and done over the past few years now shows her to be a person that I just cannot respect, cannot trust, and cannot muster up any caring thoughts or compassion for.
If she ends up being healthy and wealthy and happy for the rest of her life, good for her, as long as it doesn't have any impact on my life. If she ends up in the opposite extreme, or anywhere in between, too bad for her. Again, as long as it doesn't have any impact on my life.
I really just want to close the door on this chapter of my life, and the sooner the better. For those who have counseled me to take my time, delay, and/or wait on things, I can't and won't. Not only is it unhealthy for me to drag this out longer than it has to take, but it'll also cost me money, as the sooner it's done with, the sooner the temporary alimony payments will stop and whatever the results of the settlements are will take effect. Financially, emotionally, and spiritually, I know that I'll be much better off getting this done with as soon as possible.
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Well, it sounds to me that you know what you want. Congratulations on the changes. I've made a few myself -- but they're really minor compared to what was dished out to me.
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