Yup...he dropped this one me just like that. The house that he was staying at is now up for sale and WH said he had to be out of the house. I said, "oh, where are you going to go now"..I was completely dumbfounded and serious. he said "uh, well, if you'll take me bakc here"...of courese I said" I would love fo ryou to come home"...NO MENTION of OW.

So tell me now what do I do. I think this will be a great opportunity for me to Plan A my butt off...BUT, I have not dealt with this while he is in the home with me at all. He is still seeing OW and that hurts, but I do want him in the house. I really do. What if he approaches me for R? Do I turn him down? Do I do anything with him knowing he is still seing her? Or do I simply ask "are you still seeing OW? then turn him down! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I am not sure I know how to act now. he needs to readjust to things I know. He has not been taking his meds for his ADHD and anxiety so he is way out of whack...lkike he isn't aleready. So he is majory hyper and revved up. I am trying so hard to be nice and not LB. I asked him if he was taking his meds and he said NO, I am all off of my routine..DUH! I asked if he needed any new RX called in and he said yes, his whatsitcalled.

gotta go here he comes

Congradulation. Take it easy. Plan A, plan A. and plan A.

Whoa.... the pessimist in me tells me he might be using you to have a roof over his head.

If you really don't think so, have boundaries (NC for one) in place prior to his moving in and only under the circumstances of agreeing to the POJA on future issues. Hash out all problems -- don't let him move in with no plan. Don't let him move in w/out a plan in place to where y'all end up arguing in front of the kids.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is still seeing OW and that hurts, but I do want him in the house. I really do. What if he approaches me for R? Do I turn him down? Do I do anything with him knowing he is still seing her? Or do I simply ask "are you still seeing OW? then turn him down! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wouldn't have let him back in w/out writing a NC letter first.

I hope your WH proves me wrong!

<small>[ March 24, 2004, 05:04 PM: Message edited by: SoDisappointed ]</small>

i'm glad to hear it, but i would go with sodisappointed's advice. make sure you have boundaries.

Hi Mom -

I am very happy for you, but I have to agree with everyone else. My WH came back, too, but wound up leaving again.

Prepare yourself for his depression - it sucks to watch. And be understanding and reassuring about the future of your marriage - DO NOT LB!!!

Best of luck and please keep us posted.

Ooooh. I'm afraid this is a big mistake. If you let him back with no strings, he is free to do what he wants.

well, this could go either way. The OW will be quite livid that he out of her clutches and start to love bust him. Mom, this will be a great opportunity for you to attract him back with a solid Plan A. On the other hand, if he continues to sneak around and see the OW it will be harder ON YOU when its done right under your nose.

Are you prepared for this? Can you do it without lovebusting?

This could be bad- especially for the kids.

Why don;t you just ask him why he's asking to come to your home and not his girfriend's? Maybe he will tell you something you don't know, like he's ending it with her?

Otherwise, Im sorry, but taking him back while an affair is going on is just asking for trouble once he;s left already. I ahve a friend whose husband left FOUR times before she got the picture and filed for seperation and after four years is getting their divorce finalized this summer.

Do you want your kids to hav to watch that?

(I know you love them, Im not questioning that at all....just take a step back and think really hard!)

Another point, mom -

When my WH came back, he was remorseful for about 36 hours. We had great conversation about saving our marriage, had great make-up sex, and he professed his undying love for me.

Come to find out, he began having contact with her no less than 1 week after he moved back home. And even though he 'broke up with her' three separate times when he was home, now I know they were still communicating - even talking of their future together. All the while, he's telling me that he's trying "so hard" to make it work between us.

You MUST set boundaries. That was my mistake. I was so happy to have him home, when he told me that he needed to go see her to 'break up with her', I told him that he should do whatever he needed to. I NEVER SHOULD HAVE LET THAT HAPPEN.

So just be careful, and remember that even though it looks like the alien has left your WH's body, it will take a lot of action to prove it.

Hang in there, and be strong with Plan A.

Honestly, I dont know what I am prepared for! Either way! This was a complete and utter shock to me. I was getting very comfortable with the way we were with him out of the house.

It is not all a bed of roses anyway. He is saying that he wants to find a place to live etc, etc...I told him to go move in with OW...He said "NO WAY, that would give her too much power over me"...I then said "but your sleeping with her, rihgt?"..."yea".."so your just gonna sleep with her and then come back to me and stay here" He said he wasn't sure what he was going to do.

I explained to him that if that is his plan then he can go ahead and find another place ASAP.

I also mentioned to him in passing that men are really starting to look at me now. someone made a coment today that I was looking "mighty fine and sexy"...This bothered him tremendously cuz he cant stop harping on it. I also told him someone approached me at the gym. This also botherred him. After a bit he said "so someone really said that, and someone approached you at the gym"...he went onto mention to me that he was glad that I owuld be taken care of. He asked if the guy was good looking and I said Of course. Then he just rubbed it off like "well, good, go out with him, cuz we aren't going to ever get back together anyway, too much has happened". I told him I did not want to go out with him, that I just wanted HIM. He just does not get it.

So how would you guys interperet this? Should I make a date or what? Would that push him more away or make him come closer to me. I dont treally think he is going to stay here...And if he IS planning on staying here, I will let SH know this asap so he can tell him he HAS to do the NC with OW. Thanks!

oops, I missed you two. I think I answered the questions or concerns...I hope!

mom... here's a few thoughts.

It's somewhat easier to Plan A when he's there at the house, but not only does he need boundries, he also needs consequences. It sounds like he is starting to waffle a bit, though.

I would set a time limit for him to stay, and Plan A your slimmer butt off! But unless he has been checked for STD's I'd be reluctant to think of SF.

It sounds like he might be looking for you to tell him why it might be possible for him to return, in spite of what has taken place.

But I'd play it safe, go about your daily routine, as if he weren't there but as a guest. Assure him he's welcome back permanently, but there will be some things you will require before that happens.... first of all a month or so of NC..... agreement for continued counseling, POJA, read SAA together, some of those kinds of things. You know what is best for you, and what you will accept.

I'd sure hold your head high, don't appear needy in any way, don't LB, or DJ, and make sure he knows it is for a predetermined time, and make him stick to it. Listen carefully for clues as to what he's thinking when he's in his RIGHT mind, and you may be tipped as to how things are going for him, and capitalize on that information.

Hang in there and keep us posted!

SD

I am going to type this up then head to bed...

Please help me out with the boundries and waht I need to do. this is a whole new ball park with him in the house...IF he even stays. Does he sleep in the other room? Do I demand NC? He is pretty adament right now, after talking to him tonight, that he does not want the marriage to work. although one minute he does want it to work, the next minute he doesn't. The man is WHACKO! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

So if you guys would please help me with the boundries and such, that would be great. Thanks!

HOLD EVERYTHING ...

Mom,

He is moving back until he finds another place to live??

This cant happen (sorry if this is not the MB way). The boys .. you have 3 special needs kids
with special needs comes alot of emotional adjustments. You have said yourself that they are adjusting. WHY would you want to have him come home to see OW behind your back and look for a new place to live?

He can afford a small apt and rent furniture to sort his stuff out.
If he was coming home to try to work on the marriage, even with the "intent" to work on the marriage I would say GO FOR IT and PLAN AAAAA

But my goodness...he is a wants it all ...His family, his wife, the big house and the GF ????
and he is not even lying about it.
Boundries is right.

What CAN YOU deal with?? Can you allow him to come home and date OW...all the while he is looking for a "love Nest"? and he will be destroying your boys AGAIN, then leaves you with the fall out (upset and acting out babies). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Mom...If it were me..I would shake the fog out of him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ...Ok I was just kidding. If it were me I dont know what I would do. I do know I would protect my children at all costs. Their father should be wanting the same thing for his boys.
This man sounds like he is in a classical Middle life crisis. He is racing cars, has a young GF, acting like he has no responsiblity to family. If this were TV I would ask if he has collection of Gold chains around his neck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But being an ER Physician that would be dangerous. The grounders for the caterizing guns or the defibulaters could light him up like a Christmas tree <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hopefully some the oldies here can give you the right response to this problem.

If I understand correctly Plan A is to help you become the best person you can. To make you secure and happy with YOU. Plan A is to help you grow. I just cant see him coming home under the condition that he gets to see OW and look for a Love nest to aid you in any of the above, not to mention the fall out on the boys. It actually sound almost abusive to allow him to do this.

Another thing MOM...Dont bait him with OM that are flirting with you. Dont even go there.
All you are doing is taking away his guilt. Think about it if you do start dating then its all OK.. It's like a martial agreement. Like an open marriage.
He keeps saying that your marriage is over. Has he seen an attorney?
Are you in a fault state?? Because if you allow him to come home and you resume martial relations
the law considers the Infidelity forgiven. So you could not file for adultry. I am wondering if this is planned. Maybe an attorney suggested this?

He is a smart man. He likes his toys. I would consult with your attorney ( you had mentioned an appointment) about this latest development as well as the Harleys.

Boy you talk about rollercoasters...It appears your husband wants to strap and your boys to the hood of his race car...Becareful

Please please please DO NOT ALLOW HIM BACK HOME.

Now really sit back and think:

This man, at the first sign of being uncomfortable, decides YOU will be his sanctuary in his time of need- however, will still be sleeping with the OW and exposing you and his children to this trashy lifestyle. Then, you LoveBust by mentioning other men noticing you -- sorry, this *is* a LoveBust-- and his response is ""well, good, go out with him, cuz we aren't going to ever get back together anyway, too much has happened".

Some might say he is waffling, and he may well be. His fantasy is starting to crumble. His comment about the OW is very telling...

*I* think, and this is only my humble opinion, is he thinks he is entitled to USE you.

I am only going to say this because the fact he has already left the home and is still sleeping with the OW-- Im thinking its time to go dark. A modified Plan B, possibly. I am not sure how low your LB is for him, but until this man is showing you some respect I really can't think of one REALLY good reason to take him in. He wanted the OW more than his family- HAVE HER TAKE CARE OF HIM.

I'm awful, because Im sitting here thinking wouldn't it be funny to call the OW when he is in your home and ask her to PLEASE pick up her boyfriend and get him out of your face.

Ok, that's against MC principles, but geez, the NERVE of this guy.

LOL mojo...I actually had a vision of HER babysitting the boys while I am out on my date! OK, seriously, you all are ABSOLUTELY right and after the initial SHOCK <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> once again this man has instilled on me, I did tell him that he cannot live here while seeing OW.

He called me at 1:00AM from the ER last night...we talked for 2 hours. He was livid.

Basically he said "this is f***ing great...you are finally getting your sexuality back and I have lost 5 years of my life...where was it then"

Ok, you can see where this conversation was going from the get go. I was sound asleep when he called and I had no idea what the heck he was talking about. I never LB'd him (I dont think) but he was very angry. I just listened to his anger and what he had to say.

I gave him a letter a few days ago, but he never read it. He said he was afraid to read it. So I read it to him on the phone last night. he said

"well that is just all fine and dandy, you can go find someone else...this is just great, I've just left a relationship, I'm not really in another one, and it is going to cost me 1/2 million dollars now" I dont know where the heck he got that figure from...I suppose with the house, the furniture and everything else.

I continued to tell him that I do love him and I do want to work on this marriage, but I will not let him back into this house to LIVE until he stops all conaact with her. He is more than welcome to see his boys, but not to live here.

he just cannot focus on what the future CAN look like but insists on focusing on the PAST and he will not beleive that people can change and I honestly believe, thru the help of you wonderful people and MB, that I have changed.

OK, I did LB him. I told him he was using this girl as all she was is a girl with a hole in her body for him to stick his d*** into. I kinda liked that one <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Bottom line is...He is absolutely LIVID that I have lost soooo much weight (26lbs so far, 15 to go) and now guys are noticing me. He is livid at the fact I have gottne my sexuality back even though I have told him numerous times, that I got him back for HIM. He just cannot hear that. I dont want another man..I want him. But he doesn't want me. He said "NO, this will make me screw her harder and more"...I wonder if this OW knows that he is doing nothing but using her at this point to get to me.

I have completely withdrawn myself from him and the situation and frankly it does not even bother me anymore. OK, at this moment it does not bother me...maybe in 5 minutes it will <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So now, I have told him unless he stops seeing her he cannot come back home to live...so now what do i do? I wish I could do a plan B...But I am not good at it at all. I will wait until We talk to SH on Tuesday.

Thanks so much for all of your feedback. And stressed, I dont know if I mentioned this before, but I am so glad you are here to support me, that makes me feel wonderful. thank you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Can somone please tell me what is happening here? Is this "normal" WS behavior? Is WH seeing my independence and getting scared or what? Why is he so angry at me?

I mean I know he said "well this is great, I lost 5 years of my life with you and now you have finally gotten your sexuality back" bla, bla bla...It was clearly angry with me for being "sexy" now.

I know he wants his cake and eat it too, and it bothers him deeply that guys are starting to look at me...But, I cant help that. I mean he is the one who started the affair and I have said before that maybe some day I will be able to Thank this OW for making our marriage stronger. But right now, WH is so angry at me for HIM losing so many years of his life because I didn't feel adequate enough to make love to him.

What am I supposed to do now. go on with my independence and act like it doesn't bother me. Let him get his new place so he can bang OW anytime, anywhere, he wants?

I think also he is upset cuz he now has no place to go to BE with OW. Unless he finds a place of his own, so he is now faced with the decsion to either leave her or come back to us. And fast, cus he is not staying here while she is still in the picture. NO WAY!

I am supposed to go racing with him this weekend, but I really do not want to..I think it will be for the worse in all situations. It will only stress us out even more. I will let him go, but will not tell him until Friday that we are staying back. he is so angry right now at me anyway.

mom, just hold your ground and be as nice as possible to him. He is angry because he is getting confused and starting to feel guilty. He needs to make you out to be the bad guy so he can justify his affair. When he accuses you of not being there for him, just sweetly tell him that you agree with him but you CAN be there for him in the future. Tomorrow he won't be angry so don't worry too much about it. Their moods are like that of teenage girls, constantly changing!

Why don't you want to go the races with him? I think that would be a GREAT opportunity to Plan A! You could flirt with him.

Melody, thank you for your response. I am afraid that if I go to the races with him, cuz I would be taking the boys too, he will be completely stressed out and we wont be able to relax. I think it will backfire on me as so many other things have lately...Just like with telling him other guys were now looking at me, he got angry at ME...It is my fault. And I am afraid, even though my intentions are to do the best Plan A I can, I may not be able to hold it up. Plus he is so angry with me.

I will leave it up to him in the end whether he wants us to go or not.

also SH told me that ANYTIME I need to talk to him, to call him and leave a message, so I may just do that. Talk to him today and see what he thinks about it.

Actually it is good news and if not for the pain it is causing you it would be funny.


If he didn't notice that momma got game it would be trouble. Now he's pouting like a petulant child because it occurs to him that momma could go on the prowl too.

It is a symptom of the disease that while in the act of screwing the OP a WS can think "She better not be talking to any other guys!".

Almost comical.

Hang in there, be sweet, kind and keep letting him see what he's missing - he has steak at home and he's going out for burgers? Yeeesh.

Go with what works - he is jealous and noticed that you have made some improvements, not a bad start.