Well..day one in Plan B. I spoke with S (who is at WH house this week for spring break). He said that Dad told him I came over last night to tell WH I wanted a divorce. Which is SOOOOOO not what I said. I gave him the Plan B letter and told him I was moving on as long as he was insistent on disrepecting me by being with OW.

I told S that is not what I said, but that I cannot be in a relationship with your Dad right now, because his relationship with this OW is causing me great pain. S said he could understand that. S also told me that WH told him "What happens here, stays here." He kinda rebuked son for "telling on him" about the phone calls he was making constantly the whole weekend with OW. I told S, you did not tell on your Dad, you just made an innocent comment and your Mom is smart and put two and two together.

I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO mad about the way my WH is treating children. Calling big fat ugly whore while he should be spending time with kids. Chastising my NINE YEAR OLD son about an innocent comment.

I almost wonder if WH did this so I would call him up and break Plan B and give him a piece of my mind about the appropriateness of involving our innocent child (who is already a nervous wreck) in all of this.

And I wonder if WH's announcement to S about "Your mommy & daddy will be D'ing" is really the way for WH to make a stand that this is how he plans to move on.

HELP!!!! What do I do? Is WH making a choice here for D (JEEZ..this is the obviously stupid question of the century...of course he is making choices, he started making choices that would lead us to D as soon as he started the A). Is this normal? It almost seems as if he is egging me on?

Did I do something wrong? I hate that I am questioning my actions, my communication with him, what I conveyed, what damage I may have inadvertently done, when WH doesn't question any of his actions, comments, etc.


PLEASE HELP ME MB'ers... I am hurting.

<small>[ March 25, 2004, 12:58 PM: Message edited by: ChristyV ]</small>

Bump...

Hey Mb'ers...any feedback, 2x4, smacks, etc.

Anyone out there (chirp, chirp, chirp...these are crickets)? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Can you hear me now?

Should I e-mail WH and confront this?

NO! NO! NO! He's trying to goad you into contact, and you are falling for the bait.

NO YOU SHOULD NOT EMAIL YOUR HUSBAND! Like you said, he is egging you on for contact. He is still placing blame on you, he will continue to tell others that it was YOU THAT ASKED FOR THE DIVORCE so as not to look like the bad guy. Don't let his actions dictate an irrational action by you. Really now, what is going to happen by you calling him and chastising him about his actions regarding your son? Nothing but arguing, placing blame on you, denials and more unjustified reasoning from him. HE IS IN FOG LAND REMEMBER! He is not the man you married right now. Stay level headed and continue the positive communication with your son, from I can tell your son knows he can talk to you and get the truth of the situation which is great! Concentrate on your son and let your husband dig his hole even deeper. He will crash soon enough.

<small>[ March 25, 2004, 10:57 AM: Message edited by: trying2_4give ]</small>

Based on own screwed up experience (if you get really bored and can't sleep, read some of my threads), I would not address it with your WH. He might be using it to get you to break the N/C, he might just be angry and trying to do things that will get back to you and hurt you. Either way, if you call him on it, chances are he won't just wake up, see the light, and say "Wow, I really shouldn't have said or done that!"

My WH has asked DD how she'd feel if we D. I don't like that. But I didn't talk to him about it.

However, I talked to him about a million other things since I attempted my Plan B on 2/25 and you can see where it's gotten me. Nowhere!

So stick with it if you can.

LL

OK, Christy, you probably won't like my answer, b/c I didn't like it when it was told to me, either.

First, some background. In my state of Idaho, when a couple gets a D, co-parenting classes are required when kids are in the M. I have not attended these, but a friend of mine has.

In these classes, the number one rule they teach is to not ask your children about their time with the other parent. You can ask if they had fun, but no specifics. You are not supposed to ask them any question that they would feel they had to choose between the two parents to answer.

Like phone calls, conversations, etc.

If this information was volunteered to you by your S, it should not be acted upon. I KNOW it is infuriating, I KNOW it sucks. But you can only control you. If you don't like that kind of behavior going on while your children are around, make sure you don't do it when your children are around.

In time, your children will naturally gravitate to where they feel secure and safe and stable. Their natural insticts will protect them. Children are resilient.

This is hard to do. Very hard. But you must focus your mind on JUST the children's welfare, not your feelings, beliefs, values, etc.

I suggest getting a book from the library on Separation and/or Divorce. Just because, as with the concepts here, many things that are best for the children go against our natural instincts in these emotionally volitile times.

Lots of love and hugs and support!

SS

ChristyV,

You started Plan B yesterday? Don't say a word to your WH. I would simply explain to your son that "I don't want me and Daddy to D" or something simple like that. Don't go into a massive explanation. Stick with that point. As far as the crazy things he has said / is saying, just turn away from it. I haven't reached Plan B with my WW yet, I'm still working on Plan A. If I responded to every cruel and idiotic thing she said, it would be West Baghdad between us right now. Don't stoop to that level. The reason that you are here is because you are above all that.

Plan B is about NC. Period. For you to trivialize it after one day over one comment, will greatly weaken you in his eyes. No Contact. You're strong enough to do it. Do it.

Ethan

Whew. Thank you so much for your feedback.

AMM: You are right. What a nut... can't believe he would even stoop to this to get me to talk.

Trying2: You are completely right...this practice of deflecting blame has been evident throughout this whole ordeal (when I found out and confronted him about the A, he started to yell at me about how could I have made him do this).

LL: I will read your threads. We can all learn from each other's lessons. Thanks for your insights!

SS: This is what is breaking my heart more than anything...the effect on the kids. S is a nervous wreck, and I cannot really relate to what he is feeling (I was lucky...my parents are STILL happily married). I will take your advice and look into some books to help me lesson this load on them. I NEVER ask him about what he has done in particular at his Dad's house, I just keep my comments generalized "Did you have fun? I bet it felt good to spend some time with your Dad. I really missed your company" etc. The only reason I had the conversation mentioned above was because of the comments that S made to me from his Dad. I am thinking about joining a divorce recovery group at church, so hopefully they can help give some insights on this as well. FEEL FREE TO CHIME IN WHENEVER AND WHEREVER YOU LIKE...I really respect your opinions, have gotten a lot from your posts, and welcome anything that would help my kids. Your candid feedback would not hurt my feelings (especially if it helps my little ones). I love them so much! They are partially why I am fighting for the M!

Ethan: Thanks for the words of encouragement. I can do it!!!!

Thanks MB friends...I would be lost right now without you!!!!!!!!!! Seriously, seriously lost! I feel like I am not this person out in left field having a nervous breakdown, but that other people are going through very similliar situations. I can really relate to what people say on the site about WS's and their alien abduction. If you had told me a year ago that this would happen to my M, my family, my H, I would have told you that you were totally CRAZY. My H I and used to sit around and talk about how lucky we were. We used to talk about other couples who cheated, and comment about the cruel, evil, cowardly aspects of an A. We literally HATED the people who did this to their family. And H NEVER mentioned any dissapointment, unmet needs, etc. In hindsight I see it, but at the time, I was completely blind sighted. Sometimes I think it would not have been so painful if we were in a visably miserable marriage. I think this A was 1 part unmet needs, 1 part perfect timing
(for the OW, anyway), and 1 part emotional weakness on behalf of WH. And now it is ALL PARTS a mess. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thanks again.

WH just called my cell. I did not take the call. He asked me to call him re: finances. I really don't want to do that. Everything he could need to know I've already recapped in an extensive excel report, budgets, etc.

Man, I am starting to realize what an emotional hold this man has on me. I am shaking. Should I call him? Send him an e-mail? Wait until he sends me an e-mail (since in my Plan B letter I told him contact me through e-mail or my parents). My parents are on spring break and will not be home until Monday.

YIKES!!!!!!!! I am naseous!

Mine kept testing me at first by constant contact. Once he realizes you mean Plan B, it will taper off.

Hang in there, Plan B is quite nice, once you get the hang of it.

No, do not call him. Turn your cell phone off and get away from the household and office phones. Call your mother or your best friend. Go for a walk. Have some ice cream. Do whatever you have to do to keep him firmly out of your mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Trust everyone here who's talking to you. Keep dark. Keep quiet.

ChristyV,

Please take what I am saying with a big ol' grain of salt, b/c I have never done this, and may possibly have no clue what I'm talking about.

I believe your WH is testing you and your resolve / seriousness in this. You have offered two means of communication in your Plan B letter. Make him follow them. If he calls, don't answer and don't return the call. If he emails, wait 24-48 hrs before responding. Eventually he will either follow your directions, or stop calling. This whole thing started b/c he did things that "didn't follow the rules" (the A) Print a copy of your PBL. If he comes by to talk about anything, be cordial, and give simple answers to simple questions (like only about finances.) If he asks how you are doing, or says anything that can't be answered with a yes, no, or dollar amount, hand him a copy of your PBL. If he doesn't meet the "requirements" don't talk. That is what I would do. I think you just knocked him off the fence, and it shook him a little. Now stick with it.

Good luck and remember, big grain of salt.....

Ethan

You are all right.

I should focus on the positives. I look GOOD today (having a GREAT hair day, no zits, wearing a beautiful spring baby blue sweater set I picked up over the weekend, everyone is commenting how it matches my eyes). Instead of thinking about weirdo, alien WH, should think about how I still GOT IT!

:-)