This is my story! A bit long but PLEASE READ!!I just found out last week my wife was having an affair. I confronted her with evidence and she at first denied and then said she had ended it that day. I truly wanted to believe her. She also said she wasn't sure she ever loved me and needed time to think about us. But about three day later I found text messages from OM saying that is nice I love you too. So of course I'm not sure. The next day I saw her mother and she knew something was visibly wrong with me and asked what was wrong. I told her my wife was having an affair and that I loved her and asked her mother if she would talk to her to try to convince her to recommit to our marriage, but not to blame her. She comforted me some. Later that day my wife's sister called and I told her the same thing. She thought it was weird about the text because she didn't believe my wife loved the OM and said my wife wanted to stop the affair. I felt a little better but did tell my wife later that night the only way we could be true friends and start working on our problems was for to stop having contact with OM. I had to leave afterward to go to work. At work I texted the OM stating I knew about the affair it was not ok and I loved my wife very much and wanted to save our marriage and family(two girls) But their relationship was making it impossible and ashed OM to end all contact with my wife forever. Next morning my wife told me it was not as bad as I thought it was but didn't want to get into it then. I then saw a text message from a good friend of my wife that said it was great that things were all new. I took this to mean with her and I because I've been trying to be the best husband ever. Again I don't know anymore. I need her to open up to me and stop this affair but I need to know how to do this. Any and all comments greatly appreciated.

Staggered,

Welcome to MB. It's always sad to see someone new here when infidelity is involved, but at the same time it's heartening to know that the new person has found the website - it is a godsend! Your post was not at all long, wait 'til you've seen some of the doozies we can post on here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I wouldn't believe your wife when she says she ended it that day - that's just too convenient to be true, unfortunately. But, when she says she wasn't sure she ever loved you I wouldn't believe that either. WS (wayward spouses) say that almost like it's a script they've been given. "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" gag gag gag <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

You have done two EXCELLENT things:
1. Out the affiar to her family. Can you also tell OM's (other man's) wife?
2. Insist on NC (no contact)

If you have not yet, read the Q&A on How to Survive Infidelity on this site.

Also read about Emotional Needs and overcoming Love Busters.

For now, try to meet your wife's ENs (emotional needs), avoid LBs (love busters) and don't try to educate her. Any attempts you make to share your newfound knowledge with her will be interpreted by her as controlling, manipulative, etc.

Thanks for reply. OM is not married. My wife says she is not involved anymore and I am being paranoid. I don't know how to confront her again I don't have more proof. She just acts weird. She turns off her phone so I can't check her messages. I know it is crazy but I don't want her to get mad and I'm afraid she will want to leave me. How can I confront her again and get her to believe in us again???

Staggered,

Of COURSE you're feeling paranoid! Actually, I think it's only paranoia if it's *irrational* and you've been given ample cause to be suspicious, hurt, angry, and frightened. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

When she acts weird and turns off her phone so you can't check it, she's hiding something. Spouses in an honest marriage don't have things to hide from one another.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't want her to get mad and I'm afraid she will want to leave me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know what? Before all is said and done she is almost certainly going to get mad at you, more than once. Sometimes you may deserve it, more often you'll just be the scapegoat, getting blamed for the pain she feels as a result of her poor decisions. She may threaten to leave you, too.

You know what else? You have a choice. You can decide to live in a marriage where your spouse is allowed to lie to you and hide things from you. You can watch the distrust erode the foundation of your marriage until nothing is left but fear and hate. OR. You can take a deep breath, do the hard work, and come out of this wretched experience a better person. You'll be stronger, you'll know yourself better, you'll have the skills to be a much better spouse. Chances are high that your marriage will remain intact and be the marriage you want and deserve, too.

Regarding confronting her - FIRST read up on love busters!! You have the right to tell her in a non-confrontational manner that when her cellphone is turned off it makes you nervous, or fearful, that something secret is going on. You can respectfully ask that she make all her cellphone records available to you. You can also ask that she share her voice mail password with you. DON'T accuse her and DON'T make demands.

You also have the right to respectfully request her email passwords, to install spyware on her computer, to put a tape recorder on the telephone, whatever it takes to make you feel secure.

She may get irritated because you can't learn to trust her, or because you can't give her your trust. Remember that trust is earned, it is not given. I don't think you should say that to your W, because it will only start an argument. If she's defensive, just avoid LBs and wait it out.