Not even sure where to post anymore.. under what heading. I realize we are trying to recover, but not only my EA, but also from many years of an awful cycle. A cycle where H always had to win, control, and whatever else you would want to call it. Two MC's had told H he was verbally and emotionally abusive.
A quick note to this... My EA "ended" before we started MC "the first time" over a year ago. Then after continued MC, his behavior continued, which lead to almost year separation and me filing for D. During that time I maybe spoke to OM 2 or 3 times. Found this site and talked to MC and realized I must have no contact. (Although I blew that) I will overcome that, although I have to admit to the internal struggle with that. I did have a realization last night. *note, this is no excuse, just a realization of my part in this cylce. Just before the year of my EA, was actually the worst year of H and my marriage. His drinking and meanness was worse than ever. Whenever I got to the point of hurting so much and not being able to "reach" H, I would "check out"... I would think of OM... I would go to my "safe place" of thoughts with conversations with OM, and in this place noone could hurt me. I had this wall of protection this peace, and no matter how much yelling, mean comments, belittling, silent treatment, no matter what went on, I was safe, I couldn't be hurt. Now, I HAVE to learn a new way. Prayer, yes and DEAL with the issues. As strange as it is, I thought of OM much less when H and I were separated.
This is the hard part. We have reached a "stuck" spot. This is the 2nd MC who has suggested anger management to H. H had told me he would see MC every other week alone to deal with this. Also, this 2nd MC is one who H found on his own. He didn't like our first one. H went alone to this IC for awhile so, the things he says to H are not just based on what I say. This helps, but, he still tends to "blame" me for MC suggestions he says because of "how I protray him".
I have to admit at this point to really feeling duped by H. For the year we were separated, and our D was so close to being final. He kept saying he would do "whatever it took" to fix our marriage. Now, now that he is back in the house. Now that we are back together, it is like he has dug in his heels and isn't looking any further inside himself. He is angry with me and and MC (he feels hurt and that in turn goes to anger) he feels ganged up on again. He says MC and I make him out the bad guy. That he feels he is the one with all the work to do. He doesn't see me setting boundaries, not reacting with quick anger(sarcastic comments), and me trying to express my needs as work. Me just plain standing up for myself.
In the meantime, I am running on empty. He wants this emotional support from me, and honestly I just feel so empty inside. I expressed this to him last night. One thing I asked from him is some sort of response that he has heard what I said or SOMETHING. So many times he just sits looking straight ahead and doesn't respond to me AT ALL. It feels awful.
Our D was to have been final in January. We didn't drop the proceedings, we just put them on hold. Attourney called yesterday to check up. I am feeling pretty hopeless today. For the first time, I feel like I wish I would have just let the D go through. Like, I am back to square one. If it weren't for my children at this point, I would just go through with it. But, I know I have to try everything in my power to try and save this. It feels like I am "back in prison" and I can feel the resentment building inside.
I want to add that MC asked us if we prayed together. I have held H hand and prayed, but his isn't comfortable with it? I pray always and couldn't imagine getting thru a day without it. MC went on to say how important this was and told H he really needed to grab my hand and pray. Last night I asked H why he didn't just grab my hand and pray, he said he never knew if it was the right time. I told him it is always the right time. He said he just isn't comfortable. He never did it. I was sad.
I am scared for us, and for our M...
<small>[ March 25, 2004, 09:00 AM: Message edited by: sohard ]</small>
