My MIL and stepFIL came over for breakfast last sun. and apparently it was a big setup. She went back and told WH everything that we talked about and everything that she saw. That is why he called here the other day. She told him I had someone else doing the railings on the porch, because the man was at breakfast and he started talking about it in front of them.

Anyway, still in Plan B in the dark. I have made a major decision though. Plan B is for me, not for him to come back. I am pretty much done with him.

When I don't need him financially anymore, I am going to file for divorce. Until my SSD case gets decided we have to live here and he is paying the bills. He is trashing his name, and making me sick. I don't want to be part of him anymore.

NY

Hopeful -

Was your WH upset that someone else was fixing the railings?

Maybe that was a wake up call for him to see that you can take care of business without him around. Good for you.

And the IL's spying on your for him????!?!?!?! That's just insane. Have you ever considered extending Plan B to the IL's as well?

I am officially in Plan B with the IL also. This whole thing just made me want to puke. I need peace for a while, from them all.

Glad to see you are in recovery. I hope everything is going well for you. My WH is still with OW, puke. They make a cute couple though. Let's see how long she can put up with man behind that mask.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
NY

hopeful, i am sorry to hear things are not going well but please stay here on the forums no matter what. so many people have felt the way we do and look at where they are today (in recovery). we are at war and we are wounded. prayers to you.

Thanks roughroad. I am trying everyday to just worry about me and the kids. I am sick today with a cold, so I need some chicken soup for the soul too I guess.

NY

Hopeful / Rough -

I'm not sure if you know of my whole saga but just look at some of my threads and read up. I was where you are now not long ago.

It was only a month ago that I posted my "I give up" post. I was really ready to end it all at that point....and I do not mean my M either.

I let my FWH's A almost destroy me.

I think you are both extremely strong people. Much much stronger then I could ever hope to be.

Please stay here. Please let the people here help you. You both deserve so much better. I hope you can see that.

Hopeful -

Let you children be the center of your world and look for the peace in Plan B. Show your babies that they are by far the most important things in your life. Your children need you now more then they need your H. They sense your strength and they are learning from it. They will respect you for what you are doing and they are very very lucky to have someone like you for a mother.

Keep your chin up.

I'm glad to see you have put IL's on Plan B. How dare they spy on you! Makes me want to scream! See how they like NC with you for a while.

Might I suggest that you get a sitter and take a friend to a movie and go out for coffee and cheesecake afterwards. How in the world can you be down when you have good friends, good coffee and good cheesecake!?!?!

Hero

Thanks for uplifting advice. I am really trying to show my kids that we can make it on our own. It is hard always being the strong one. I love cheesecake too! So do my hips.....LOL.

I am exhausted from doing all this work myself. I never sleep either. I haven't slept in 6 months. I would feel better if I did. I have tried everything from Ambien to benadryl, lorazapam. I don't know what to try for sleeping.

Any suggestions? Last night I took Nyquil and watched the clock every hour. I have no idea what is wrong with me.

yes, and be around people who support you in trying to save your marriage.

are your IL's not in close contact w/the grandkids? seems like they are jeopardizing that relationship or maybe they think that you won't be keeping the kids?

thanks HerosWife! i'm sure you are just smiling from ear to ear knowing what you have been through and where you are today.

RR

Well on Sun. me and MIL talked about WH and I getting back together. When his affair would end and stuff like that. I thought she was on mine and the kids path of life. Apparently she finds her sons behavior okay, because she did it also. She is carrying around a large load of guilt because her ex, WH father laid a guilt trip on her last week about her cheating on him. About how if she had raised him differently and that stuff.

So of course she is going to side with WH <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> and use it for her own pride too!

Plan B to all of them. Peace for me and the kids!

NY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Tylenol PM caplets knock me on my A$$. You might want to try them! They aren't habit forming either, as far as I can tell. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by HopefulinNY:
<strong>
I am exhausted from doing all this work myself. I never sleep either. I haven't slept in 6 months. I would feel better if I did. I have tried everything from Ambien to benadryl, lorazapam. I don't know what to try for sleeping.

Any suggestions? Last night I took Nyquil and watched the clock every hour. I have no idea what is wrong with me. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I've been on ambien too. Have you tried melatonin? It's simple, and natural, and tends to work for me. I work at home, so I can sleep in. I often find that I can "catch up" in the morning what I miss at night.

Wouldn't be too hard on the in-laws, from what you've said. It's kind of natural that they will tell their son what you said. Just beware next time. Maybe meet at their place. Bring a basket of muffins or something nice, and discuss the movie that you saw the night before rather than your life.

Hopeful -

I hate to say this but I would take a double dose of Nyquil and that's all it took for me. I tried wine and sleeping pills but nothing helped. A single dose may be enough for you.

I'm sure if Dr. saw this I would get screamed at but I know what it's like not to be able to sleep. I welcomed anything that might help.

And do not give your MIL the chance to spy on you. If she wants to see the children set up a time to drop them off and keep the conversation to a minimum and related strictly to the kids. I would also suggest that you speak to your children about questions Grandma might ask and prep them to give her a standard response...like "you should speak to my mom about that."

If you do find out that MIL is asking the kids questions I would confront her with that and state plainly that what she is doing is harmful to your children and it is your duty in life to protect these kids from harm. You have to protect those babies. They need you to do what's right for them. Right now Grandma sounds like she might need some IC herself. Sounds like her guilt is leading her to do things that will not help you or your M.

RR -

I am enjoying my new status of recovery. I am still very wary and I am working to regain trust. I hope you can see that my situation was terrible and by following the concepts put forth on this site really work. The people (most of them) know what they are talking about and give great advice.

Stay here and you will receive excellent guidance.

I'm praying for both of you.

Hopeful -

My suspicion is that anything at all that has to do with your WH is going to be toxic to you for a while. That includes your in-laws.

So keep dark and keep focused on yourself. The bad taste all of this has left in your mouth will fade in a couple of days. And yes, what everyone has said about focusing on other parts of your life is right on.

Your kids are a big part of that, but not ALL of it. Give yourself some time, too. I know you've got health problems, but anything you can do to physically exhaust yourself will help you sleep. (Not right before bed, but spend some time during the day on that.)

Also, focus on creating as solid a routine in your household as you possibly can. That will give you a sense of peace and security that will help your head. I think we've all been through the not-sleeping part of this, and it's godawful. Remember that it WILL get better.

Thanks Just J!

I don't understand how someone can be so tired and not sleep. I am so tired right now I swear I could sleep for two days. I lay down and I just lay there. If I don't sleep pretty soon, I think I'm just gonna die. I can't stop thinking about everything when I lay down. It just rolls and rolls over in my head. It is the first thing I think of when I wake up in the middle of the night, the first thing that pops into my head in the morning.

It is like an awful nightmare that won't stop. I am still waiting for someone to wake me up and tell me it was just a dream.

I am trying to take care of me, really trying. I think that is why it is best if I just blow him off and his parents and divorce him asap. I need peace in my life again. I need to be loved, and cherished and to SLEEP again....LOL.

Thanks you guys,

NY

Hopeful --

Much as you'd like it to, divorce doesn't end the emotional toll. The only things that do that are time, protection, and a little healing. The best thing you can do is protect yourself and your kids. Stay dark, stay out of the way. Don't let people talk to you about your husband, don't talk to people about your husband. Live as if he's been transferred to Antarctica and doesn't have e-mail. You've got a life to keep focused on, and he's simply not part of it right now.

Oh, and if he happens to show up? "Huh. I thought you'd left the continent. 'Scuse me, I've got some things to get done."

Hopeful -

Just J is absolutely correct. Getting on with your life and focusing on you will not only help you and your precious kids but think of what it will show your WH. He will see the woman that is bound and determined to survive this situation and get on with her life. Not that you will not ever welcome him back (if he agrees to follow the plans you set forth) but while he is sitting on the fence you will focus your energy on your life and your children.

Spend some time on you too. Join a gym. Make new friends if you can. I know it will be hard with all you have going on. You need some refreshing people in your life.

Pick up a book and read. Find a new hobby to focus on.

If you are a Christian turn this over to God. Turn to him for help. He is there for you and will help you through this.

Just J

I know that divorce won't help with the emotions, but it would make things final and that is what I am looking for now, some closure.

He won't show up here. His mom has him working for her when he isn't at work, and OW has him sleeping there.

Pretty much he has his cake and eating too without me. Plus he still gets to see his son. He is a stubborn ex-marine with a huge chip on his shoulder. His father is the same way. I am moving forward with my life, but in baby steps. It seems like everytime I get one step ahead, I get thrown back two. You know the game.....

NY

well again, i think we can all relate to the sleep thing. i too think of it when i go to bed and as soon as i get up (and of course throughout the day). i'm a nurse and i still do things that i know i shouldn't (like take a bottle of bills last month to get my H to come out of his fog) but anyway. i think most health care providers would be willing to try various RX w/you to find the one that works for you.

on the other hand you could just experiment at home. i have a friend who says just one beer and one benadryl (25mg)knocks her out. everyone responds differently. but i'll jump on what justJ said that working out too late in the day may just make you feel wired rather than tired. you've got your time on your hands so try various things (like reading something totally boring!).

Hi HopefulinNY

Can it be maybe? that some of your insanity has to do with your lack of sleep?

I also suffered from it for about 8 months. It didn't mattered what I eat, did or drink, I couldn't sleep at all... Geee those were VERY crazy times for me, I didn't knew how much the lack of sleep was affecting me in ALL the aspects of my life then.

What I advice (it worked for me), was a full recovery plan, like a health plan... I:

Started taking the antideps every night! not just when I felt like. BTW I used Remeron, and it has a side effect, it was supposed to make you sleep also.

Started eating healthy foods.

Started doing excercise, no matter what or when.

Started going to bed, wether I was sleepy or not, I forced myself to bed.

I think all the above factors contributed in over a week to get my sleep back. Maybe you want to try it?

Hi Hopeful. I know exactly what you mean about the thoughts going around in your head. The only thing that stopped mine was going on ADs. And I missed two doses once, and the thoughts started up again. Is it possible for you to try the ADs? They also make me sleep deeper. I've also tried Melatonin, and it works, just not on the thoughts.