My husband dated a girl before me and got her pregnant. She said it was not his so he didn't have to worry. Shortly before we were going to get married, she took him to court for child support. I was furious!! He said he would do the responsible thing and pay, but he never wanted to deal with or see this child (which is exactly what I wanted). So we went ahead and married with that agreement. He has 2 other children from a previous marriage that I open my arms to. It's been 9 years now and we have built a good life together and have an 8 year old son. A month or so ago, the ex-girlfriend contacted my husband about some insurance problems and started begging him to see this child. Somehow (he is very gullable) he decided to give in and see this child. I told him I didn't want him to. The exgirlfriend had just got a divorce and I have a feeling that she is the one wanting to see him, not the kid. He was very upset when I told him about my gut feeling. We argued for a couple of weeks about it and then all of a sudden he was very cold and didn't talk to me hardly at all (which is very unlike him). After a couple of weeks of the silence, he admitted that he had snuck around and saw them twice. I asked him to stop and reminded him of the agreement we made and about my gut feeling. I also reminded him that he hardly see his other children either, if he wants to mend some fences, start with the ones he really knows. He said he can't stop seeing them because he promised them he wouldn't. But he also promised me that we were not going to deal with this!! Shortly after all of this I found out that he started a new email account that I do not have access to for emailing them. He says he wants to be honest and open about this so I did finally ask him about reading them (he said he kept some of them) and he told me that he deleted all of them. So I (right or wrong) found a way to see the emails even when he delets them. I now have seen some of the emails. He has joked around with the exgirlfriend saying things like "well now that I'm back your stuck with me forever" and he has sent her a couple emails that have nothing to do with the kid. "Just to wake her up in the morning with a smile." He has bad mouthed me to her - saying that I'm being cold-hearted, closed minded, selfish, jelous, and so on. Which I am being and feeling, but he does not have to tell her that!! And she has started sending what I call junk email. Stuff titles "Unconditional Love Stories" and other stuff. And she says "and about being stuck with you forever, I'm happy about that!! (And so is "the kid")." And now I have to decide whether I should let him go or not. I have been sick ever since finding out. I don't know if I am jelous more over the kid or the mom at this point. I just feel betrayed and threatened. I have talked to him about some possible rules to outline how this should all work, but he tells me I can't give him any restrictions. He has gone to their house now 3 out of the last 4 weekends. I have to be able to restrict some parts of this, can't I?? I said he could see this child once per month, but he refuses any restrictions. And I refuse to let him go whenever he wants. What should I do???

CountryGirl,

I'm sorry but I just can't imagine how anyone would deny a child the chance to see their birth father. In my opinion that is just so unfair to the child. It's not that child's fault the parents were so irresponsible and didn't use protection. And besides, your husband sounds very selfish and cold hearted not to want anything to do with his own offspring.

Hi CG!

I can feel your pain in your post.

While I really don't understand the not seeing the child part of your story (not poor child's fault), I don't think you are overreacting about the rest.

It's selfish and hurtful of your H to change the rules or agreement that you had between the two of you for nine years...without your agreement. Instead of sneaking around behind your back, he should have come to you and said "listen, I think we made a mistake not seeing this child...so can we talk about it?"

I can understand your feelings of betrayal. Your H is not being honest, not telling you what's going on, keeping a secret email account...

It would make me wonder if he got caught up in some old feelings for XGF. The emails sound inappropriate.

Reading the information about LB's and DJ's on this site may help you deal with your H. You need to find a way to communicate with him so you can work out a plan that works for the both of you.

Hopefully some others will respond to your post.

Good Luck.

sss

CountryGirl,

Sorry about the short post, I got pulled into a meeting at work.

If he did care enough about this child, and did want to be a dad to her, would that be an issue for you? You said you didn't want him to have anything to do with the child either.

It's not very nice that your H is doing this to you and I am so sorry that you have to deal with him badmouthing you to the XG. I think he is just way too carefree to give a crap about anyone's needs but his own.

I think it's natural for you to feel betrayed because you are being betrayed by his secrecy.

Since she is the mother of his child, he really is obligated to have some sort of relationship with her, but it shouldn't make you feel threatened or uncomfortable and most importantly, he needs to be honest with you.

Stick around, there are some really wise people here that will help you. I wish you the best (and I wish his child the best too, because it doesn't seem like she is being raised in the healthiest of environments) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />