I need some insight from WS or FWS about the time you spent in the fog. Do you notice the changes your BS are making?

For instance, I have lost almost 60 pounds since DDay, and WH has not said ONE WORD about it. It's pretty dramatic, and I've even had to buy almost a whole new wardrobe - and .... NOTHING! I also do my best to look good every time I see him: full face of makeup, hair done, etc. When he watches the kids when I go out at night (the couple of times I've done it), I've dressed pretty sexily...no response from him at all.

Why is that? Does he not see? Is he choosing to ignore - and if so, why?

60 pounds? Wow! That's like what.. half a backstreet boy? Awesome.

Can't imagine what the silence is about... maybe some guilt? If he feels like you are doing it all because of what he did then he may be afraid to say anything.


I was probably as open and honest as a WS can get after D-Day but there were a million times i almost said something and was afraid of triggering a sharp response or making her think about 'it',

How bout knockin off the ESp and asking him straight out what he thinks about the new you?

hope you get lots of replies, i'm curious to find out. i'm fortunate (i guess if you can call it that) that my H has noticed my weight loss (about 24lbs in 6 weeks, 28lbs total). I hadn't seen him since i lost all the weight. he can't get over how good i look and is happy for me. of course he says he hopes i'm doing in for myself and not for him. i've still got about 40lbs to go until i reach my IBW. but i will succeed because i am in a battle for myself and my marriage.

was your weight loss gradual? maybe that's part of the reason. but it's probably because he can't see through the fog, maybe he's mad because this is what it took for you to lose it, maybe he just doesn't care. don't know. but keep up the good work!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> was your weight loss gradual? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No - it was immediate. After DDay, I couldn't eat, sleep, drink - and what I did came directly out the other end. This is completely opposite of how everything has been in the past - I've always been an emotional eater. Anyway, by the time he moved back home in December, I was down about 40. I now weigh less than I did when we married.

SH suggests that if WH notices that I'm looking good, it'll force him to rethink his situation - something he's not ready to do yet. I buy that reasoning somewhat, but it seems odd for him to say absolutely NOTHING.

I know I look and feel much better, so I'll certainly keep it up. I just wish he'd notice.

WantingHimBack, not a WS but here's my two cents. During my meltdown, shortly after D-Day,
EVERYBODY would ask W "whats wrong with WOE". I know it killed her to watch me reduced to rubble. I am a very confident, somewhat arrogant person and now I was useless. It got to the point that W said "get your confidence back". She knew she had done this to me and I know it made her feel horrible. But she wouldn't admit it to me but just continued the blame game.
She even told me how I felt once. She said this hurts your pride. And I know someone told her that. How would she know what hurt? All she could see is that I had been hit with a bus and she was scared. So what your husband is doing is a defense mechanism. He can't possibly accept responsibility for what has happened to you. I'm sure the human mind only dishes out that kind of guilt a very little at a time. Otherwise he might look like a trainwreck. I think its self preservation. Patience & Logic.

WOE

I hear you- I lost 25 pounds right away too- couldn't even look at the grocery ads. People at work would ask what diet I was on or if I had been sick. I wanted to scream " find out YOUR H was s******* around and see what that does to YOUR appetite." Finally bought myself a pair of blue jeans and H noticed and said I never wore blue jeans before.I told him what others were asking and what I wanted to reply and he hasn't said another word since--just added to his guilt. ( I didn't know about LBs then)

I am not a WS but I can give you insight straight from the horse's mouth...

not only did I lose weight, I lost bulk (long story) so the combination was dramatic...I looked (ahem) smashing!...EVERYONE commented on it all the time, in front of my H...

OW was part of our circle of friends so I socialized with H, OW and others a good deal while I slowly came to realize that yes he was having a PA...(whew...talk about painful)...

anyhow, people would say it all the time in front of H, how awesome I looked...he'd ignore it or humph...they even said it to OW who would then make a snide comeback (she's fat, with rolls hanging down her stomach)...

my H never responded at all...after a few weeks, when I was now Plan A'ing my heart off, I made a comment about clothes...something along the lines of needing new clothes, or wearing clothes I hadn't in a decade or perhaps HE made the comment...anyhow, he said: why do you need new clothes? and I said because I've lost weight! he looked me up and down and said really? I hadn't noticed!!!

FOG FOG FOG FOG FOG

I knew Plan A was working when he said to me, extremely begrudgingly one night, that I looked beautiful, that I looked really sexy in the new shirt I was wearing...I was walking away at the time and simply threw back over my shoulder: thanks, lots of others have already told me the same thing....something like that, just to let him know this wasn't for him, it was for me...and others were noticing too...

now I wouldn't suggest that anyone else do that because now I realize it is an LB...instead, I would probably just smile and say "thanks sweetie!"...but the "wrong" response sure felt good at the time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ...

and yes, his commenting on it was an indication that he was emerging from the fog...

here's what you really want to know: a few weeks after we reconciled, I asked him about the changes in me...he'd noticed from the day I arrived home 2 months earlier!...he'd been watching me secretly, noticing all the changes...but he never gave me ANY sign at all...I know him extremely well and was watching him like a hawk (obviously)...

here's what he had to say:

1. he noticed but didn't want to tell me anything nice...

take your pick as to the reasons: he was mad at me, he didn't want to say nice things to me, he didn't want to give me hope...any and all of the above??? he can't really articulate the reason clearly...

2. it really bugged him that people commented on my weight loss because he knew it was from stress...

so if he pretended it had nothing to do with him, he could keep the guilt at bay, except that he couldn't, it kept eating at him, so as long as he didn't say anything, he could keep on pretending and yet he knew he was pretending, so he'd pretend even harder...

FOG FOG FOG FOG...are you getting the sense of circular rationalization yet???

don't ever think the WS is truly having fun...they are running in terror from themselves and their conscience ...at least, most are!

3. but he couldn't help noticing how GOOD I looked, he couldn't help noticing all the other Plan A changes too...this pissed him off even more...

actually things got a lot worse before they got better...he became nasty and cold...this seems to be typical...

he's not really angry AT you, he wants -- in fact, he's desperately seeking -- a reason to keep on doing something that is making him feel terrible about himself...

if he was to admit to himself: hey, my W is a gorgeous woman, look at how amazing she looks! well then he'd have to start questioning all his other assumptions about how "bad" you and the M were...right?

4. finally he started telling me small things...then telling me more, then talking to me more, then deciding that I was really okay, then I was MORE than okay...and then OW was less than okay, she became a real pill...

Fog is thick...makes communication with us really hard...

so DO what you need to for yourself...be cheerful, loving, happy, confident...all of those things are more than likely to drive a WS batty but do it for YOU...

you will NOT see the true reaction of the WS for some time...you will not KNOW it is "working" for some time...

but here's the secret: it "works" for you...and that is who truly counts here...hope this helps...awed

<small>[ March 28, 2004, 10:06 AM: Message edited by: awed18 ]</small>

Wow, thanks guys.

WOE -
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Patience & Logic. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks, I needed that.

Coming Around -

Congrats on your weight loss! It does feel good. Forget Atkins, try the infidelity diet. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Awed -

Thanks for your insightful post. It's interesting to hear from the horse's mouth (in this case, your WS).

I'd like to believe he's not saying anything because of the guilt he's feeling - but some of this stuff is so hard to hold onto. The psychology of it, I mean. He feels too guilty, the fog is too thick, his addiction needs fed, etc. etc. I believe so much in the MB program, and yet some of the concepts are hard to take - especially when trying to explain my actions to friends and family.

Thanks again for your POV's - nice to hear. I'll just keep going and hope for the best....

I'm the BS, but if I were in your H's shoes I'd probably feel sick to my stomach with guilt every time I looked at your new body thinking, "My A did that for her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ." I would say he hasn't figured out how to react yet - Does he deserve to enjoy the new you that only came about because of his mistake? I think it would be a bitter pill to swallow. Especially if he's truly remorseful.

He's noticing - BELIEVE ME!!

He's a MAN isn't he?

I hope you get lots of responses from WS because I really need to get into the head of one because I can't get into the head of my own.

The last time we spoke he was still in the fog. I so don't get it since they haven't been together since their DDay on 10-20-2003.

He only speaks of her when I bring it up.

I've lost so much weight and so many people are saying how good I look (patting myself on the back!!). They've said how could he do this to you - look at you! Nice, huh? So, men are all about looks, I guess?? LOL! I guess not since the OW isn't pretty. Very, very "plain Jane" with a penchant for f****** married men just like her mommy.

My behavioral changes have been really great, too. My husband has said that he KNOWS things will go back to the way they used to be, which really wasn't back, but I told him he was rewriting history they way a lot of WS do.

Oh well!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very, very "plain Jane" with a penchant for f****** married men just like her mommy.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YUP, that is my H OW too...very ugly, but good in bed.

I cant speak from the mouth of a WS, but I can speak about my own experience. I lost 26 pounds too, and I am still losing. THanks to the Cheating Husband Diet ~aka~ THE INFEDELITY DIET!!! H started noticing the weight loss BEFORE DDay only because i was on Jenny Craig. But once the next diet rolled around and I lost the other weight within, oh 3 days, he really noticed, but he did not say anything. I bought sexy undies, sexy bras, the whole nine yards. did not say a word.

As you probably know, my FWH was not living with me, so getting him to notice my NEW sexy UNDIES was almost impossible. I would leave them out on the dresser, but he stopped going into the bedroom when he came by. OK, onto the next plan for him to notice me. I started to dress better. Not wear anymore Walmart type shorts and shirts. I bought some sexy capris and some nice tight fitting shirts and some sexy shoes. OK, you must understand this is a woman who is always dressed in baggy shorts and an old navy tshirt and tennis shoes. My H just could not keep his eyes off of me. At one time when he was SOOOO Thick into Fogland I caught him looking at me up and down. I had on some black pants that day. eventually he had to say something. THEN when I told him Other people were noticing me, he flipped. Out of fogland he came and back home to his family!

Keep it up WHB. your H notices, but he is so deep into Fogland, he cant even speak right now. Just remind yourself over and over again "this is NOT my H"...I will have my H stop by your thread and let HIM tell you HIS side of HIS story.

Thanks for the insight, jamup, ICNAFM, and Mom.

I, too, have bought a whole new wardrobe - complete with sexier panties and bras. He hasn't seen a one. My clothing fits so well now, and it's definitely more revealing clothing than I've EVER worn. I had a neighbor tell me to use what I've got (large breasts), so I've been trying that route. I have to think that he's noticing, but I just wish he'd tell me.

What do you think about him getting his own apartment? I think it'll probably be closer to his work (about an hour away) - which puts him that much further away from us......and OW. On the one hand, he's moving away. But from the OW's POV, he's leaving her apartment to get his own - on the other side of town! Or is this just another step in his independence?

WHB, Dadto3boys tried to post a nice reply to you last from a WS point of view but the computer locked up and he was too tired to post again. Your husband DOES notice, but while he is in the fog, he doesn't need to really notice..does that make sense? What Dad said was while he is getting sex from OW, there is no need to notice YOU! You must make yourself look more independent, not just on the looks. You must MAKE your WH realize that you WILL go on with or without him. When he is home, do things that HE used to do...for me it was taking out the trash. Just that stupid little thing got to my H because He had NEVER seen me do that before...that was his job. he even said something to me. "I've never seen you take out the trash before, this is a first" little things like that make a big difference becasue they realize that "hey, she is moving on and she CAN do this without me...hmmmm, I always thought she would just sit there and cry for me all day, but she is actually moving on" Make comments like "oh when I was at the grocery store, or wherever some guy that I see all the time told me I looked fine today" These comments will soon open his mind and eyes.

I think it is a good thing that he get his OWN apt...now you can drop the kids off every other weekend and one or two nights a week. cuz that is how it is when you are divorced and if he wants it, he's got to deal with it. That also go my H thinking. Wait a minute...She wants ME to watch the kids while SHE has the weekend to herself, that's not right. They are so caught up in there own little Fantasy land, they dont even think of us anymore. All they want is more sex, or whatever it is that drives the fantasy! It really is ridiculous when you think of their mindset. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Let me offer a slightly different perspective...

Is your H still resentful about the condition of your marriage? Could he be angry that you've "decided" to work on looking good now as opposed to before the affair?

I felt this but had to consciously decide that I would be thankful for the changes my wife was making. It kind of pissed me off that she made no effort BEFORE the affair, but was gung ho AFTER.

Funny thing is, I'm the one who sees these changes in her, while she claims that she's still the same person she was before the affair! It's not a perception issue...I can count concrete examples that she openly acknowledges. Chalks it up to "growing up".

Low

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is your H still resentful about the condition of your marriage? Could he be angry that you've "decided" to work on looking good now as opposed to before the affair?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Low Orbit - This could be. I know he was a bit pissed at all the cleaning that was being done around here immediately after DDay.

Truthfully, weight has always been an issue for me (he said it never bothered him. ??). Been on tons of diets that never worked for long. So I guess resentment could be part of the answer.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I felt this but had to consciously decide that I would be thankful for the changes my wife was making. It kind of pissed me off that she made no effort BEFORE the affair, but was gung ho AFTER. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you tell this to your wife, or remain silently resentful like my WH? And what made you change your mind to be thankful?

WH has stated PA as his #3 need - something I never knew. I'm doing my best to make myself attractive to him, I really am. I have never been this dedicated to something in my life. NEVER.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You must MAKE your WH realize that you WILL go on with or without him. When he is home, do things that HE used to do...for me it was taking out the trash. Just that stupid little thing got to my H because He had NEVER seen me do that before...that was his job. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mom - Good points. Unfortunately, I already do everything around the house - even the little things like taking out the trash (that used to be his only household duty pretty much) I did sporadically before DDay. His only chore was the yardwork - which we changed months ago (got a yard service). I'll try to think of some things I could do to show my independence in other ways. As a matter of fact, I can look outside and see that the bushes need pruning. Maybe I can play with some POWER TOOLS!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I still think I'm going to look into the Sunday job thing, which will be good for both of us.

Thanks for your replies - interesting perspectives. And Mom, thank Dad for taking the time last night - I know how frustrating it can be when the computer locks up. It sounds like he's doing pretty well. And the support he's getting her is tremendous - I think the fact that he's posting is so positive, like he's really trying to get help. As a matter of fact, I printed his first post for my WH in the event that he has to go though withdrawl again. It is so comforting to me that there are other people out there like me, so I can imagine that the WS would feel the same way.

Anyway, thanks again.