Hi all,
I am a new member and not sure how to start…I am 41, and mother of 14 and 8 years old. My H is 39…we were married for almost 15 years. Marriage was OK with normal up’s and down’s but nothing serious. We moved from Europe to CA in 1994. It is needless to say that we had a very rough period because of the move but we did well. We had to sacrifice a lot in order to be where are we today in the terms of our careers.
However, two years ago my husband and kids went for vacation alone. For the first time we were apart. The reason for separate vacation was kids. We wanted them to stay in Europe as long as possible and agreed that I’ll go later to bring them home. He stayed only a few weeks there and came home as a strange person. We were alone for a 2 weeks and I noticed a sudden change and wall of silence between us. I tried to talk about this behavior but got rejected. He never opened his heart to me again…Yes, he gave me a some kind of the explanation about his feelings. To make it short, he had lots of time to think about our past during his vacation. He realized that he doesn’t feel for me what he use to feel (Who knows if he ever even felt anything?).That was one of the most difficult periods in my life. I was devastated. I couldn’t work, sleep or eat…I couldn’t accept that 3 weeks could change someone that much if there was no good reason for that. I noticed that he has tendency to spend time alone on the computer. I started to think about infidelity…what else I could think about!!! I know that things happen but if it was only one nightstand and transparent for me I could go over it. However I found out that he is chatting and exchanging emails with someone from Europe. I know that it sounds absurd that someone in that age can live for those letters. I approached him and tried to talk about it but he refused to admit infidelity (he never admitted).
After that I did something really bizarre…I just couldn’t let it go after so many years. I found out what was his password and broke in the hotmail account. He was exchanging messages with 2 ladies form our town home. I would never make such a big deal about it if our relationship remained normal. One of the ladies was our cousin’s wife and other our neighbor back home. I was shocked and tried to talk to him. I said that I could understand that he is writing letters to his friends but I couldn’t understand why is that secret. I never had a chance to see what did he write but I could see reply from our cousin’s wife. They were very close in these letters as a friends but never mentioned anything about them doing staff together. Actually, they spoke about my “jealousy” and other things…I was devastated with a fact that my H could do something like that to me after so many years. Obviously, they were going out together I was not supposed to know about that. I was monitoring these messages for a few days. Some of these were original jokes with sexual context and addressed to my husband like “Only for uncle….”
I was heartbroken…I tried to find some support from my parents but my mother was not very supportive.
We had a big fight after I told him that I know about his emails. He said that I am sick and it is only in my mind…he is only trying to make a friend with people, and other bla, bla…He put all blame on me for what ever went wrong. At the same time, he was very protective about his new friends when I mentioned that I might write them back. He continued with his emails but used other account (I kept checking history even though I didn’t know other password).
He said that the main reason for the sudden change was a fact that I was not around and he could go out like he use to go when we were not married. He is a different type, more relaxed and inert for the actions and I am opposite (or at least I use to be). He spoke about nostalgia and wanted to move back. I considered that as a suicide after all we’ve been going through to have what we have today.
My life turned to a nightmare and I believe that he felt the same way. We spoke about divorce and agreed that it is not solution for us. We are both family oriented and will do everything for our kids.
Somehow, we continued to live like that. The next spring he wanted to go back home for the visit because his mother didn’t feel well. Later, I found out that his “new friends” and him were making fun of me believing that he is going there only because of mom. When I approached him and asked for the explanation he said it was only a joke and I am taking things to serious. When he came home from his trip I tried to be more relaxed and trustful. We went for vacation as a family but he was never same again. Like I said once, he never came home from that vacation!
We continued to live together but I felt very bad, unwanted, unloved, betrayed…I felt so alone. The good thing is that we started to talk about us. We agreed that we’d try to make it work. I explained to him how I felt about everything and asked what was his major concern in our relationship. He said the same things to me…We spoke about letters, lost trust and love. He said (I haven’t asked) that he doesn’t keep in touch with these ladies anymore. It started to kind of work…at least we were open with each other.
After a few days I found out that he is still writing these letters. Needless to say how disappointed I was. In the other person response I could see that he was the one who initiated these letters. Again, they spoke about me. I am going there next summer and they are all scared that I am going to make a big deal about the whole thing. The person said she hopes I am not that stupid…. I was hurt so much that I almost lost my mind. Needless to say how sick I feel after all…He knows that I know about these letters but said it doesn’t matter. He still cares how do they feel, what is going to happen if their husbands find out and so on. I asked if he cares how do I feel. I think whatever he is doing to me he is also doing to himself…
What shoud I do? Should I divorce? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
