Lostlove4her, welcome to this site.
I expect you chose your "name" based on your current feelings for your wife.
I believe that these feelings may seem real to you at this point in your marriage. Similarly, I believe your feelings for the other woman do or did seem "real" as well.
Just as these feelings developed over some time period, they can very easily re-develop to something different as time continues.
What you may not realize is that you have a lot of control over these feelings and that, in the case of your wife, she does too.
The love between you and your wife was not unconditional - nor can it be.
Unconditional love only exists, for example, between you and your son. I bet you will love him always, no matter how he behaves or treats you. When he is 17, he may declare that he cannot believe how ignorant you are. You'll grin to yourself, fully knowing what goes through the mind of a adolescent spreading his wings. If you do, instead of vilifying you when he is 24, he may be amazed at how much you've learned in 7 years. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Conditional love between a man and a woman develops when each of them meets the important emotional needs of the other. The longer these needs are met, the more resilient the love grows, and the easier it becomes to "coast" over the rough spots when needs are temporarily unmet. But neglect the needs permanently and conditional love will die. It's "conditional" on having needs met.
Both you and your wife have been guilty of neglecting the needs of the other from time to time and to the extent that the "coasting" ability of your love is being challenged.
We have seen over and over through the participants on this forum - and in our own experiences - that when love becomes weakened or doubted - even to the point that one believes it is lost or has been "replaced" - it can be confidently restored by focusing on the unmet needs of our partners - by re-establishing the "conditions."
Romantic, conditional love between two people doesn't just happen. It has to be built on a solid foundation of honesty and trust while filling emotional needs. You may have had a few needs temporarily met by the other woman - filling the gaps left by the neglect of your wife. But this is likely temporary "love." It was built on shifting sand, lies and deceit, and will not likely take root. It probably has no solid foundation, no "coasting" ability.
Your wife, after learning these concepts, is ready to better fill your needs. She knows she erred in the past, but now understands how to restore the love in your marraige, with your participation.
All you have to do is try. The foundation of your marriage is cracked, but not broken. You have memories of good times and the blessing of a beautiful son. The real love you once felt for your wife is available again if you put in the effort. I guarantee it. Put in the effort to meet her needs, and feel yours met in return. Share with her your needs and she will share hers with you. There is no need to guess.
To the contrary, you have no solid foundation with the other woman - despite whatever needs were met on a temporary basis. Perhaps you're already suspicious of this or have already figured it out. Put it behind you.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by focusing on your wife and attempting to meet her needs. She will do the same. Your son deserves nothing less. It's...
worthatry
<small>[ March 26, 2004, 07:01 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>
