Long as usual, but haven't posted on my own in a while. It's actually a semi-positive post. I have a plan. (But I need all your help and support to stick to it, so stop being so darned scared of me, okay??)

I had my 1st session last night with Dr. Jennifer Chalmers (Dr. Harley's daughter and coauthor of SAA). Some of you you may poo-poo the new plan, but here's the scoop we worked out (and yes, she knows about the alcohol issue):

3/31: WH may break his apt lease that day, or he may not--he's deciding. He has also mentioned 2 times over the last week that he is trying hard to break it off with OW, and he has taken most of her items back to her friend's place. He is still very attached to her, but is starting to show a bit more clarity. I believe he's still seriously addicted so don't have high expectations for the 3/31 date, but here's the plan.

Until 3/31 I am on a "modified" Plan A/Plan B: I should try to refrain from calling him if at all possible, but if he calls me we can engage in short conversation (under 10 minutes). I am to NOT LB--become very good at saying, "Uh huh, I hear you." if he says something I don't want to hear. I have in writing done my best to "sell our marriage" with Jennifer's help, and to offer him a place back in our home if he ends contact with OW at that time, and need to deliver the note to him.

I'm to try to avoid seeing him if I can help it, because right now he has the "fuzzies" for the OW and not for me, and he will try and compare, and will get worried that our feelings are gone forever when he doesn't feel the "spark", when in fact it's because the "spark" is a created thing--comes out of spending time with the other person. She wants me to avoid putting him in a position where he can "weigh" the two of us until he makes his decision.

If he does come home and breaks contact with OW, and things get to chaotic, I should agree to immediately help him look for alternate temporary housing where we can get away and just "date" until things calm and he gets to know me again, all of course based on the assumption of his continued N/C with OW.

If nothing happens by say 4/2 (I'm a little delayed in letter delivery), I am to drop down a notch and go to even shorter conversations. If he calls, I am to VERY gently and VERY carefully ask if he's ended it with OW. If he hangs up, I'm done with that conversation and I haven't LB'd. If he says he's getting closer or is working on it, I can share how excited I am to hear that and how much I love him and want our marriage, but must tell him that this is all very exhausting and I need to cut the call short to save my energy for rebuilding our marriage.

Still, am not to see him if I can help it--same reasons as before. I am to just be as loving and caring as I can be if we do talk.

If this all doesn't work by around the end of April and he's still sitting on the fence (and I'm praying he won't be becaue I'll be nuts by then, but who knows), I will probably be looking at doing a true N/C Plan B, although she thinks I'll be more prepared at that point.

She told me she doesn't see his OW as being the type condusive to a permanent relationship because she's too unstable. But there are no guarantees. She also said I'd grimace (and I did <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )when she said this but that it might take up to 2 years to get him away from her.

She does think that if he breaks it off, even if he thinks he wants to be on his own (he's mentioned it), that there is a good chance he'd decide to come back home anyway.

I'm trying to be hopeful. I'm having a lot of anxiety the last few days--very shaky, and my arrhythmias are even starting to act up. I'm wondering if I am getting addicted to my Xanax (meaning the dose I'm on is no longer satisfying my system) and if I perhaps shouldn't try and wean off instead. Great timing--back off from WH and ditch tranquilizers! I will probably have to see my dr. about my A/D to see if it's strong enough.

I'm not sure I'M strong enough, but the last thing Jennifer said was what made the conversation the most worthwhile:

She was asking me if I exercised. (I was honest--no, I haven't been). Because I'm thin, she recommended doing strength training and stretches and all, but said "I'm uncomfortable with yoga because of the spirituality thing. I'm a Christian."

I responded back, "I'm a Christian, too. It's so good to talk to a marriage professional who gives a Christian perspective." I even told her about the 9 verses I have taped to my computer monitor at work that I can look at if I get really scared--been there since 9/11. She started quoting some of her favorites and several are ones I have on my list! It just felt really good.

I am scheduled for another appointment with her on April 14th.

(Okay, go for it. All input, bashing, encouragement you can muster...let me have it.)

LL

<small>[ March 31, 2004, 07:15 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Lord's lady -

Please, please, please don't think that we don't support you, are afraid of you, or are angry with you. You are one of us and I encourage you to post your feelings.

Some may be worried about you and give you advice that you don't want to hear. But come on, it's a free world.

So please keep letting us know what is going on. I am praying for you.

I just sort of figured that because I've done more than my share of ranting on this forum, and my recent posts have often just fallen to page 2 without much response anymore, that everyone was fed up with me.

I have that effect, I think, but I need you guys' support. It's about all I have right now.

LL

Lord's Lady -
Stop that train of thought right now. We love you and want the best for you. Yes, there are a lot of things you need to do (like alanon) but you will do them in your own time.

LL- You can also clean up your house courtesy of flylady. But we are still with you, still care about you, and please keep posting.

Hey LL

Sometimes you do go through a spell where it seems your posting and thats all. People are reading, and sometimes just don't either have the time or know what to say. Like Believer said keep posting. I do sometimes get iritated at the treatment your getting from your WH. Yep, support, encouragement, and the occasional 2x4. I'm glad to see that you are coming up with a plan. As for yoga, I do believe that there are some christian groups that do yoga. Its something that can be done without the eastern mystisiam (sp?). I have to start exercising myself. What fun. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LL, glad you got a plan. I am always thinking of you. Please don't take what people said personal. We all care about you. But only you know yourself the best. Take what fits you the best.

Hey Believer,

Really, I am going to go to Al-Anon. I actually went a week ago Sunday. Was planning on going again last Sunday but my parents showed up earlier than I expected them to spend the night. (My father had the depressing Dr. appt up here the next day that "officially" diagnosed him with Alzheimer's).

To all of you,

It's not what was posted that has made me nervous about posting again. I really appreciate the advice, support, etc. Maybe it's just in my mind I thought I had made everyone so sick of me that I needed to just go away. It's an issue I need to work through. Sort of why I don't have a lot of friends--I'm afraid to call when they say I should, etc, because they have lives and I'm afraid of being a downer and just bugging them.

I think everything all at once is taking it's toll on a woman prone to anxiety and depression. I have been so jittery today, I feel like I've had about a dozen cups of strong coffee, and my jaws ache from being clenched. It won't go away and I can't relax. I'm sure sleeping will not come easily. I really do need to make a Dr. appointment and go see if my meds need changed, I think.

LL

LL, sometimes I have the same feeling as yours. Just I talk the same thing over and over again, people will get bored. But you can come here, we all have the same experience and same feeling. We will always support each other. Please feel free to post.

Well, the "sell our marriage" note that Dr. Chalmers helped me with has been delivered to WH. Hope it gets the point across that I really do believe we can have a better marriage than we ever had before, that I now understand more about meeting needs, that the "feelings" are absent now because we have not been spending time with each other keeping them alive. That it is very possible to rebuild, but that we can't in our current situation, and that it is very exhausting for me to continue this way and that I need to save my energy for rebuilding our marriage.

I was to avoid seeing him before 3/31 but it was a really warm day today and I could hear the motorcycles outside my office window ALL afternoon. I got envious of all those people, and left msg to WH asking if he'd take me on a short ride tonight. It's been SO long since I've ridden. I wanted to just one more time before all this starts.

Wrong, probably. But he did finally come and take me around 9pm, after visiting a coworker. It was chilly out by then, but we had a nice little ride, he stopped and bought us some junk food and we ate and chatted a little while, and he dropped me back off at home. We were probably together about 1 1/2 hours total.

We talked mostly about superficial stuff. He says sort of positive things, then will say something that will totally make me think there's no hope. But we didn't fight, we didn't argue. I have to remember it's just the fog talking in him. I was very careful not to LB or provoke him.

I know it's not easy on me to see him, and he is very tense and acts strange, almost manic right now, to the point of being agressive enough to pick a fight with someone (not me). He's always been short-tempered, but this is strange new behavior. I suppose it also goes with the fog. He looks the same on the outside, but it's an alien underneath.

At any rate, when he dropped me off, I gave him a hug and the note. I have no idea when he will read it (although he was interested enough to shut his bike off and come in the house so I could grab it) how he will interpret it or if he'll be angry. Time will tell.

All I can do is pray for patience and calm and see what he decides to do about his lease and what April brings. As time goes by, if nothing changes, if I follow my "customized by Dr. Chalmers" plan, I have to become darker and darker. I need strength. I'm hoping that I don't get that far into it, but if it does, may God help me to hold it together better than I did before.

LL

LL,

Wanted to let you know that I have been reading your thread on a daily basis and see your progress. It is surely hard for most BS to watch the demise of our loved ones.

Part of the healing process is painful. Recognizing this is helpful.

Now you need to let him come to his own realization. Plan B helps keep the distance and lowers the pain ratio for you and your family.

You may see him fall, it will hurt to watch but a necessary step. One not within your control.

Was the motorcycle incident ok? Probably. This can show him that you still care and it was a need for you. You got him to take care of that need. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Just can't do it too often or it loses it's impact.

Glad to see you are working with Jennifer. She's great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Pray for patience. Clear mind and a calm heart.

Hugz,
L.

Orchid,

The motorcycle thing satisfied a need for me, and I was also hoping it would prove to him that I DO like to ride with him. He generally loves to ride and would do it over about anything else on his schedule. Last night wasn't so good for him because he forgot to grab his gloves and coat from his truck first and was really cold while riding.

Last night I felt fairly decent when I went to bed. I had one moment where I actually thought "Oh my gosh, do I really want him back after all this? What if he comes home and nothing changes? Then I'm stuck!"

The moment passed, of course, and I've gone back to missing him again. This is the weekend--the time I have the most problems with. I have SO much on my mind, and so much on my to-do list, and energy to do none of it. I didn't crawl out of bed until noon. It's raining, so the house is dark and dreary. Not real inspiring. I should go in to work, I should clean, I should do my bills, someday I need to paint 2 rooms, I need to go grocery shopping. So much has piled up I don't know where to start.

I do pray for patience and calm, and sometimes I wonder if this whole incident isn't being used to create patience in me, because I've NEVER been patient. I pray that this A is like most A and ends...preferably sooner rather than later. But I know that some don't. My FIL and step-MIL's marriage is the outcome of an A and they are very happy. But who knows, had WH's mother realized that she's a b**** and changed her behavior, and hung on and not gone through with the D, maybe they would have still been together, too?

I don't really want to know the future in general, but I'd really like a clue as to how this might turn out. It is really hard and painful and sometimes I don't feel like I can go on like this for another day, let alone months, or years.

LL

Okay, I've kept myself busy on this dreary, rainy Iowa day by cleaning the main level of my house (looks pretty good for a change) and running errands. Now it's dark, still raining, kids are both out with friends until late, and I'm here by myself...and all the "what if's" are creeping in.

Trying not to think of WH out to eat and probably a movie or something with OW. Seems they are getting along a little better again. He's hedging now on giving notice on his apartment on the 31st.

Saturday night was usually our night to go out to eat. I miss that so much right now. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Someone remind me again that odds are still in my favor that this A of WH's will eventually burn out.

The "what if" of the hour is this: "What if I spend the next two years pining after my WH, because I really do love him and can't get him out of my brain (and my love for him and my thoughts of him seem to be growing, not going the other way), only to find in two years that he and OW are still as tight as ever and I've wasted two years of my life and am now 40 and still in a mess?"

LL

<small>[ March 27, 2004, 08:36 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

LL, my heart goes out to you. I do have exactly the same feeling as you. We usually go out for dinner on Sat, no no more. But I did pick up myself, I took the kids to the movie. If he is here, I won't be able to talk to you. I will think positive.

L&H,

I'm glad to hear you did something fun with your kids. I sort of wish mine were younger again now. Now that they're teens, they do their own thing. It was looking like a good thing when WH and I were still together, because they're old enough we can do things on our own now. But now that I'm here alone, I long for them to be little and to want to spend time with "mommy" again.

Hope if your H is home tonight, that you can have a good night. You need a time of peace and calm.

LL

<strong> LL: The motorcycle thing satisfied a need for me, and I was also hoping it would prove to him that I DO like to ride with him. He generally loves to ride and would do it over about anything else on his schedule. Last night wasn't so good for him because he forgot to grab his gloves and coat from his truck first and was really cold while riding.</strong>

Orchid: Good. He helped satisfy one of your needs. That's a plus. As for him forgetting his gloves and jacket.....well they get quite forgetful in the fog. Don't mother him. He may even need to get a few colds to appreciate your friendly reminders. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<strong> LL: I don't really want to know the future in general, but I'd really like a clue as to how this might turn out. It is really hard and painful and sometimes I don't feel like I can go on like this for another day, let alone months, or years. </strong>

Orchid: You above statement really stuck in my mind. I had to wait a bit before I responded.

You really don't want to know about the future in general but would like a clue on how it may turn out?

Isn't that a bit contradictory? Sounds a bit foggy LL, but I think I understand. This A stuff kinda clogs our thinking a bit also but keep posting here and we'll help you stay real. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Glad to hear you were proactive and kept busy today. It sure helps the blues. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Let us know how you are doing.

Hugz,
L.

My thinking is so clouded lately (not to mention I can be a bit of an airhead on a good day) that I've found myself stopped at several stop signs just sitting there waiting for them to turn green. Duh! (Seriously!!!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

LL

Hey LL,

Don't feel bad. That has happened to more of us than we care to admit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I passed my turn off several times. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

L.

lordslady -
Good for you, you made an effort to clean your house. Now keep it up. Each day do a little something. It will make you feel good.

Jennifer is right about saving your strength. I got so wore out by no sleep and stress that I had no energy even to talk to WH. But since then I have been taking care of me.

I am taking a week off work just to regather myself and enjoy some peace. It is very pleasant so far. I can stay up late at night and sleep during the day, or do whatever I want.

I'm glad you finally went to alanon. They have online meetings, too, if you get too busy.

I'm sitting here at the office, taking a little break. It is so hard to be here alone. Thinking...thinking...thinking....

No call from WH since yesterday afternoon, so my mind automatically assumes he and OW had a lovely evening and spent the night together, and are still enjoying each other's company today, and that all is rosey in their little world again.

I hope I'm wrong, but I'm guessing he read my "sell the benefits of staying married" letter that Dr. Chalmers helped me write, and decided that it put too much pressure on him, and ran back to her.

I have GOT to learn to detach! It is driving me crazy. All I can think of sometimes is him.

Anyway, I am planning on leaving here in time to go to the 7pm Al-Anon meeting again that I went to two weeks ago. We'll see how that goes.

What's bothering me now is that in SAA, it says an affair rarely survives more than 6 months when exposed to the light of day. The end of April will be 6 months that my WH's has been out in the open. April better be a VERY BUSY month for him, or I'm going to seriously start losing hope entirely.

LL