I am a 30 Y/O WH. I have been married 6 yrs dating 10 with no children. My A has been goin on since 10/04. I have had opportunities in the past and had never pursued them until 10/04. I felt a "spark" that I had not felt for a long time. The OW and I are alot alike, which is scary, good and bad. I have told OW we cannot have contact 4-5 times and it has not worked. Partially on my account and partially on hers. My D-Day was in November and moved out for a month and came home (mutual decision by W and I). After going home OW and I did not talk for a while. She initiated initial contact via email. Other time contact was initiated by me. OW is 28 Y/O single mom (4y/o) child. Ow promises she is different and tries to assure me of happiness. Sometimes I really believe or want to believe it. Withdral has been tough as I am on anti-depressants. I have also lost 35 lbs during this whole process. Although partially attributed to dieting, the 1st 15-20 was from stress. The rest has been diet and some excercise. I was recently supposed to see OW after roughly 2-3 weeks of no face to face contact. I told her I could not, which went over like a lead balloon. I love my W very much but am not in love with her currently but want to be but do not know how. I am tempted by the hour to contact the OW but have not. I read a thread by lostbird, which really hit me. I share lots of similarities with lostbird. My W had gained quite a bit of weight since we met 45-50 lbs. She has since lost 30+ lbs, which has made us both a bit happier. I am looking for other WH or WW's that have been in my shoes. I found this website after no results from counseling (me only). I have learned more about the A from this website and articles in one day than 5 counseling sessions.
I am TRYNHARD but need some help <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I too question the should I stay or should I go and compare each situation. My head hurts from all the thinking I do each day. Much too say, typing hands hurting..

A Bird in Hand is Worth Two in the Bush
-Unknown

Tryin stay here people will reply to help you out so just keep checking in. There is a lot of good info here so check here often and I wish you luck.

Tryin, My WH is in the EXACT same shoes you are in! He is finally coming out of the fog, I HOPE...He said all those things to me as well. I gained 50 plus pounds since we married, but due to three babies. I have lost 36 pounds thus far and we both feel better. He says he loves me but not "in love" with me right now.

As soon as my WH can get refocused I am going to send him to this site for some much needed help from everyone here. This site is wonderful both for WS and BS. Maybe you and my WH can help eath other. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Momto, thanks for the reply. I hope your WH feels the way I do. I am not normally a (counseling type of guy) but this MB and the people here seem great. Counseling cost me $20.00 a session (no big deal) but costs the ins co 150+ an hour an I got zip out of it to date. MB has already shown me tons more. I know how hard this is on me and my BS. I cannnot imagine doing this with children involved. Know its hard on you, and if he feels like I do, your WH has to be devistated too. Maybe he and I can help each other out. Good Luck.. Hang in there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Johns98, Thank you too. I will be checking in.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by TRYNHARD on another thread of dadto3boys:
<strong> ... OW called me today, she was crying and very upset. Hurts my feelings. But we both gotta quit with the contact to go forward. I think we both have the right intentions. Be strong and I will try to do the same. I could use some words of encouragement myself... I do not work with the OW, but it is still hard. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Trynhard,

I saw what you posted to dadto3boys on his thread and thought I'd pop in here to have a chat.

It sounds like you are beginning to get the ideas taught here at MB. You seem to get the gist that even though you don't "feel" in love with your wife right now, that doesn't mean you don't love her. You've discovered that her losing weight pleases you because it is a need you have for her to look her best.

Eventually, things will begin to fall into place. I strongly suggest both you and your wife read His Needs, Her Needs by Harley, if you haven't already. I have become a huge believer that if we learn what our spouse's needs are and begin to meet them, that the "feelings" of love return. After all, most people marry precisely because their needs are being met. But life gets in the way, we stop meeting those needs and having our needs met, and we begin to think we've fallen out of love. It just isn't true.

As for no contact, I think you are stuggling in this regard. Have you told your wife that OW contacted you today? Have you told her about the times that you contacted OW? If not, you need to sit down and come clean and devise new strategies with your wife. For instance, a lot of WSs, when fighting an urge to call the OP, will call their spouse instead. Just checking in like that can break the spell.

It's been four months since d-day. I can assure you that you would be much further along now if: a) you had been serious about no contact and b) you would put your concentation on your wife and meeting her needs.

I'll also tell you what I told Dadto3boys: OWs pain is not your fault, nor is it your place to "help" her get on with her life. She knew you were married when she got involved with you. She knew there was a risk that it would blow up in her face and now it has. She has to face that.

Again, any contact from you will only lengthen the time it will take her to realize her mistake and straighten out the mess she made.

Keep reading the good stuff on this site. Practice it. Bring your wife here. Let her in on the treasure. Build a new relationship together, better than what you had before. That's what it's all about!

~ Snow

mom...I have to make a couple of comments here on your response to Tryn...first of all...does your H believe that he hasn't changed over the years as well? It upsets me to hear you talk about losing weight as if you are doing it to win H back!!! I weigh 108 pounds and my H weighs 185 pounds. My only reason for telling you that is so that you won't think that I'm speaking from a defensive standpoint. Weight was not our issue as you can see. It just upsets me to get the impression that you may think that your weight has anything to do with your husband's being or not being "in love" with you!!! I would like to also add to you and Tryn..I thought that I was madly "in love" with the OM...well, 1 year later, I guess that I'm not "out of" love with him.

I was "in love" with how I thought he made me feel. I was actually never "in love" with him nor did I love him. I personally think that to keep that "in love" feeling alive with our spouses that it requires work. As a FWS I can say that the A was something that I put a lot of effort into at the time...We came together, made each other feel good, and then went our seperate ways. Those "in love" feelings were nothing more than two people giving and taking what they wanted, selfishly, and not having to live out the day to day "real life" issues that happen in the real world outside of that little bubble.

sorry..major typo that I have to correct. I have got to learn how to do the cut and paste thing here...I meant to say that I guess that I am NOW, "out of love"...I typed Not out of love...big typo there...sorry!!

Lisa,

I understand your thoughts about a spouse losing weight to "win their mate back." I used to think, like you, that if a person was so shallow to demand their spouse look a certain way, well, they deserved to be alone!

But after reading His Needs, Her Needs I came to understand that for some people (men more than women, but some women, too), the attractiveness of their mate is an essential emotional need. And if you are married to one of these folks, then you need to take care of your appearance to meet that need for them, just as they might need to go out of their way to meet your need for affection, for instance.

I no longer think that a desire to have a spouse looking their best is shallow or selfish. It's just a need like all the others. For some it is a primary need, right up there with sex or recreation.

I, too, put on weight since our marriage 20 years ago. But so has hubby. We're both trying to lose it — for ourselves. We're lucky. Having a slim spouse is not high on either of our needs lists!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

~ Snow

Lisa,

I understand your thoughts about a spouse losing weight to "win their mate back." I used to think, like you, that if a person was so shallow to demand their spouse look a certain way, well, they deserved to be alone!

But after reading His Needs, Her Needs I came to understand that for some people (men more than women, but some women, too), the attractiveness of their mate is an essential emotional need. And if you are married to one of these folks, then you need to take care of your appearance to meet that need for them, just as they might need to go out of their way to meet your need for affection, for instance.

I no longer think that a desire to have a spouse looking their best is shallow or selfish. It's just a need like all the others. For some it is a primary need, right up there with sex or recreation.

I, too, put on weight since our marriage 20 years ago. But so has hubby. We're both trying to lose it — for ourselves. We're lucky. Having a slim spouse is not high on either of our needs lists!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

~ Snow

Lisa, at the turn of the new year I decided that I was giong to better myself for MYSELF and for my H. I started to lose weight FIRST on my own. I lost 15 pounds then another 15 or so with the INFIDELITY DIET. While I had made the decision to better myself, unbeknownst to me my H had made the decision to have the A. My H alwasy told me that it didn't matter how much I weighed that he would always Love me no matter what, then the FOG TALK set in. I lost the weight because I didn't feel good about MYSELF and that afected our relationship thus leading to the A in the first place. That said....

onto tryinhard...You have got to STOP the contact NOW tryin! My H is still working on this one as well, but for different reason as you have read in his post, he MUST contact that nursing home. He says that he can handle it, but he CANT. And neither can you. It is not fair to you or your W if you continue to talk to the OW. Do not answer your phone if she calls you. Switch phones with your W for a while, which is what my H and I are going to do this week. He will use my phone and I will use his phone. That way if the OW does try to call him, I will answer the phone and not him.

I know my H DOES NOT want to talk to her and in his mind it is over, but she is manipulating him, just as your OW is manipulating you. My H thinks he can handle it, but he cant and neither can you! STOP it now! You cannot move forward if you keep talking to her.

I hope that is not being too harsh. Also, have your W come her for the support she needs. This site was and still is my lifeline through all of this crap. Now it is my H lifeline. He really enjoys coming here and reading the posts. It has helped me TREMENDOUSLY dealing with all the pain and the FOG talk, which I can now see WAS just that...FOG TALK. My H loves me now and he always did, but NOT while he was in FOGLAND! I can see my true H coming around. Please have your W come here and talk to us. And you keep talking to us too. And STOP talking to OW.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

snowbelle and mom. I'm sorry if I came across a bit strongly last night about the weight issue. I know that there is important truth in meeting the needs of each spouse. It just bothers me I guess when I perceive that one person is trying to do all the improving and the other one isn't. Maybe, I totally misunderstood the situations and if so, I'm really sorry for jumping in and throwing the 2 x 4's. I guess as a FWS I see some of the things that BS's think may have played a part in their WS's searching out an A. You see, as the BS, I'm quite sure that there are things that have changed with your spouse as well but you didn't have an A.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the effort should be mutual once you get to the point of striving to meet each other's needs. Some of that may be phsycial and some may be personality traits. I just bothers me when I perceive that a BS is taking the blame for her wandering S.

First, I want to thnk all of you for your support. Lisa, want to address your thoughts first. I speak as a person who has lost 30+ pounds, which I continue to maintain by diet and excercise. I do this for me and it benefits my W at the same time, which makes me feel even better about it. I am in the best shape of my life. My W has lost 30+ lbs and is looking and feeling much better both emotionally and physically. I also think the weight thing directly relates to a sexual relationship as well. Most, not all people are usually physically attracted to someone before the personalities and emotional attraction grows. I have always encouraged my W to excercise and diet for herself before me or anyone else. Just like my work ethic, I work hard because it pleases me, the secondary bonus is that it makes the boss(s) happy. Lisa, I don't think you are being harsh. I appreciate your opinion, experience, and honesty <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Momto and Snow thank you for your responses and support too. I know what I have to do. I really do want to be in love with my W and have us meet each others needs. I believe my W is on MB but am not sure. I know she reads things here after I told her about MB. Not sure if she is in the discussions. Guess I should ask her. Oh yeah, I did tell her the OW called me and told her what the conversation entailed. I am TRYN to be honest.
Thank you. You guys help keep me goin <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />