Wed evening I confronted W with my suspicions. I was calm but firm. After the kids were in bed, I asked her to sit down with me. I told that I had suspected for a while that there was someone else. She denyed that there was. I told her that I would never accuse her if I wasn't pretty damn sure. Since I had a spyware program installed I could see the things she was telling him in Italian via the translator program. Without mentioning the program, I repeated about a dozen things she had translated, but she still denyed. Even though I did not want to lose the advantage of the program, I had to produce a sampling of what I had seen to get her to confess. As expected, she was livid. She said I did not understand, it was not what I thought. It wasn't sexual, it was emotional. I stayed calm, but I was clearly emotional. Here are the details that I could get from her:
*She met him in August, the same month she and kids returned from her parents home in the States.
*There was no sex.
*She loves him, thinks he is her soulmate.
*He asked her to marry him, but his wife would not grant a divorce and in Italy if W (if kids are involved) refuses to grant a D, it usually won't happen.
*B/c he can't get a divorce, the relationship was fading, I could see that he was trying to brush her off.

She would not give me any more details, and refused to show me her phone. She said it is over, but cannot guarantee that she won't call him again. For now, I am going to have to live with that, I think that if I push too hard, she will resent me. She has agreed to go back to marriage counseling, we start in 2 weeks (soonest we could get in).

Trying my damnest to Plan A and 180, but it is tough. She said she needs time and space to decide, and so do I. She is not moving out, but we are trying to be respectful of each other's need for time alone.

Guess that was kind of a vent. Any advice would be appreciated.

betrayed man

gosh am I feeling for you. Sorry for the pain you are experiencing.

The only advise I can give you is to take the bast care of yourself. Stick to Plan A and still concentrate on "our well-being".

Do things to make "you" interesting for your BS.
-get a new haircut
-get a new outfit
- get yourself a new "smell"
-do things on your own, just for yourself

I'd recommend you to "get close" to your wife and then again to "back off"........(just to get her thinking)

I know this might sound confusing but it what does make a man attractive for "most women".

Not to appear "clingy & needy". But I don't assume from what you wrote that you are this way. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

This is what I did right after d-d. I was out of the house many times.
I'd go out for a coffee on my own and just enjoy seeing other people.
I went shopping for new outfits and made myself look the best.

I got my hair done and many other things that made "me" good about myself.

Just the fact that I was feeling "great about ME" seemed to atttract my husband and I believe that when we "Truely love ourselves" this will reflect on to others and "make us" very "positive & interesting.

Well this worked for me and we are doing great in our recovery.

BTW: my husband wasn't going through "withdrawel" very long because I got into this "modus" very quickly and it did seem to really get him thinking. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I'm also sure it works the other way around, we "gals" do find a man interesting when they do these kinda things, well at least I do.

take care
bb

I think you did really well. Very well.

I think its a good sign that she came forward with some facts - even though she lied initially, as we expected she would to begin with - she started to confess when the evidence was put in front of her.

Expect her to be shaken up and withdrawn for awhile - she probably had no idea you knew as much as you did.

The other really good sign is that she has agreed to go to marriage counselling - this is a positive sign. You have two weeks now before your first appointment and your goal is to get through those two weeks without LB'ing.

I totally agree with BlondBlossom, and BB is one of our old-timers - hi BB! - she knows whereof she speaks - the best thing you can do at this point is to be caring, but distant - compliment her once in a while on her appearance and then leave the room, do something for her around the house, like take out the trash, or wash the dishes (something you don't NORMALLY do - maybe load the washing machine - make sure you don't wash any of her silk stuff by mistake, though), be a good dad (take the kids to the park, the beach, for a bike ride, buy them ice-creams - the kinds of things you want her to see that she would be missing if she breaks up the family - I know this kind of family time happens for most people anyway, but lots of people (us included) will go weeks without doing anything fun with our kids - its these small things we take for granted) - what I'm saying is do it now, in these next two weeks - spending time with your kids will also help keep your mind busy. The reason why I say to do this is because even if she took this for granted in the past, during these two weeks (when she thinks she needs time to think) - you need to SHOW her what she will be giving up.

Think of it like this - she wants "time to think" - so she will be watching everything around her - let her see your smiling face and how happy you are with your kids - how happy THEY are with you - let her see the best man you can be - the man who is helpful, caring, and admires her.

Remember - the feelings she has for the OM are nothing more than an addiction to the attention he gave her - she will have to go through withdrawal, and that is a painful time for you - but her feelings for you CAN return.

It also sounds to me like OM is just using the no D in Italy when there are kids involved as an excuse to get rid of her - I'm not sure that's true - I have some Italian friends, I can ask them. He's showing his true colours, but she hasn't seen it yet. You are in a strong position up against a cad like that, so even more reason for you not to give up, but to stick to plan A.

Hang in there.

LIR

P.S. - Take a look at apache03's thread - "She confessed - what now?". He is also military and has had some good replies - Mortarman has been through a great deal and has a lot of good insight into the situations you guys in the military face. I would recommend posting your support on someone else's thread (such as apache03, if you feel you can) - this forum works best when people support each other, and you will get more replies if you start to discuss your situation with others on their threads, as well as asking for advice on your own. I am hoping Mortarman can come over and help you out, as I think he has a lot of good things to say.

<small>[ March 26, 2004, 08:15 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />