Last night my wife finally confessed to the affair with the OM I suspected all along. How it all came out -

I have been seeing a MC for weeks and have been going by myself. I've had to pay out of pocket because the Armys insurance will pay for marriage counseling only if both H & W go to counseling. My W has been very interested in what was said at counseling but would not go herself. I have invited her to go with me every time, but she said no. Yesterday, I found her waiting in the parking lot of the MC when I came out. We then went home for a short while and talked a few minutes, ate a snack and then I had to go back to work for a while. When I came home, we started talking in-depth about my MC visit. She then told me she had some very personal things she wanted to tell me, but was't sure she could. She told me of her relationship with the OM and her "reasons". I did not react in anger, but just listened and talked with her. During our talk she said she was expecting me to tell her to get out, tell her what a horrible person she is and many other things - she was expecting me to explode. I did not. I told her I have been dealing with what I knew to be true for some tiem and that was one of the reasons "I" am in MC.

She told me that due to the time I was away from home before my deployment to Afghanistan and then the actual deployment she felt I abandoned her. After I had been gone for 3 months she thought I would never return, and for all intents and purposes I had died. She says this is when I "lost her". She was vulnerable and had begun talking with the OM alot (they worked together as teachers for a while before he left to go be a pharm sales rep). She said it just started as conversation and that he was a good friend. Then, one thing led to another and she fell "in love" with him. She also said one of her friends at work saw them together quite a bit and warned her about this man.
My wife descibes him as a "male model" and that women at work were just crazy about him (that really helps me feel sooo much better when I am dealing with my own body image issues - not). Anyway, last night she would not give as many details as I really wanted to get into, but I decided to let her tell me at her own pace and not push too much right now. She said that she is no longer seeing him and that she is heartbroken about it. She doesn't trust him anymore because of the A with her (he is married and has a 13 year old daughter). She doesn't trust me because my "abandonment" of her also broke her heart. She now thinks that marriage is a joke and she doesn't know what to do now. She doesn't want to discuss the morality of it - I think because she doesn't want to be judged. Well, she ain't gettin' of that easy. I have contributed greatly to the weakness of our relationship, have told her so, but I didn't have an affair - believe me, there was plenty of opportunity for me to have one if I wanted to. She also said that she doesn't see me as a victim. I told her I do see me as a victim. Whatever relationship issues we have, I didn't have an affair.
I told herI love her and that we can work through this and if I didn't think so then we wouldn't be where we are now - I would have divorced her in an instant. I told her how much finally being honest meant to me, but that I have many trust issues with her as well.
I have to leave again on Monday for a month long training exercise and the tining couldn't be worse. I would love to be able to go to MC with her next week, but cannot.
Where do we go from here since I will now be gone for a month??

apache,

I think that's great news. The timing sort of stinks, but at least it's in the open between you two and she knows where you stand. I think it would have been harder for you if it hadn't come out before you go away for another month. Would she be interested in posting here? I know she could get a lot of support. If she isn't, would it be inappropriate of me to offer to correspond with her by email? As a military wife who's been on the other side of the infidelity mess, maybe I could help her understand what's going on in your head and help her with some techniques on dealing with the deployments.

If she's not willing to go to counseling, is she at least open to reading SAA?

You two still have a long way to go, but she's taken an important step forward, even if she doesn't realize it.

Dobie

Right now she isn't even interested in going to the MC whose office is a quarter mile away. She has no idea I have been posting here, and has basically ignored my attempts to work on us. I will be recommending this site to her, but I think unsolicited email might be too much right now.
Thanks for offering and for your support. We are talking and she knows my position. I want to give her time to be more open. I have the book SAA and will recommend it to her tonight. I am also picking up a copy of the Dr. Shirley Glass book (forgot the name) for me to read.

I think "Not Just Friends" is the title.

I forgot to add that I think you handled her confession extremely well. She's probably still reeling from the fact that you didn't go ballistic and walk out on the marriage. Personally, I'd give her a bit of space to process that.

She's going to continue the foggy thinking for a while, but it sounds as if it's beginning to clear.

Hang in there!

Apache,
I feel a big sense of relief that she has finally confessed. It was obvious what she had done, even to us here, and now you have the cards on the table. Now the even tougher part begins...

As you said, the timing is terrible. Maybe that is why she waited until now to tell you. She is afraid of the consequenses and now she has a month without you at home.

I am so sorry that she will not go to counselling, that would help her sort out her own feelings and help her on a road to the future. You can't make her go, so just keep going alone if you have to.

I really wish she would come here, it would be a way for her to share her feelings without having to face anyone. Maybe you could suggest that. There are some WS's here too and they could offer help that you could not.

I want to address one comment that shge made to you: You did NOT abandon her. Thousands of military wives waited faithfully for their spouses to return. She made a DECISION to have her needs met by someone else because she was lonely and needy. I was an active duty wife for 10 years, I do know what it is like and it just burns me to read that she is trying to make you feel responsible for her actions. I'm sure that there were areas of your marriage that could have been improved on, whose could not? I am not trying to make this any worse, but I want to be sure that you understand that you were not responsible for her decision to have an affair.

You were doing your job and defending your country. It is VERY hard to make a marriage work with military deployments, I have lived it too. My H did leave active duty after 10 years and go into the reserves. Our family life was really suffering and he had been involved with a military wife on another base. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

What do YOU want now? Do you want to try to save your marriage? If so, keep reading, try to get her to read the books recommended and keep talking to her. She is going to have to decide if she wants to work on it and work on herself. It can be done, but it won't be easy. If you both want to work on it, I think you have a great chance of recovery.

I am sorry that you have a month deployment now, really bad timing. On the bright side, maybe it will give her the time to sort out her feelings and desires regarding your marriage. Be SURE to call her regularly and do everything you can to let her know that you are thinking about her. Keep us posted, Ladysing

Apache,
Why don't you just leave the SAA book out for her when you leave? She will pick it up and read it, but it won't seem as threatening as if you recommended it. Just a thought...

Maybe you could tuck a post it note inside with the MB site address also.

Apache,

Dont be so sure that she doesnt want to work on this. You said you found her in the MC parking lot when you came out. Why? She had nothing better to do with her time?

no, she is peering out of the fog for brief moments of clarity. She is being honest. She knows what she did was wrong...you dont have to tell her that. She may rationalize it and justify it (abandonment, etc...my wife said the same things) but in the end...she knows. I liken it to a big "wrong" sandwich. There is no way she can eat it all in one bite. It is too painful. She has to take one step at a time. And she did.

Now what? What is the gameplan, my man? Do you have an OPORD, have you worked out your COAs? Now is the time for Plan A. And I have to say something here that you most likely will NOT want to hear.

My wife said the same things about her A while I was deployed. Apache...your marriage will not take another deployment. Shoot, even the little training exercises for 6 weeks to a month are killing it. Deployments are hard enough on good marriages. But one with adultery and the problems yours and mine has...there is just no way that it can get back to health like that. One of the Harley's main principles is TIME together. You need it in the good times to stay in the good times. It is a MUST in the bad times!!! And the military, especially in today's climate, is just not going to give that kind of time to you. So what do you do?

I am afraid that this is going to come down to the same decision I just made...my military career or my marriage. In my case (and it looks like yours too), neither of us will be able to keep both. I believe that a HUGE step towards recovery will be her seeing you make that step towards her...to put nothing else ahead of her.

Personally, I would start looking at the civilian sector and dusting off the resume. I know what you are going to say though. "I am close to retirement...I am just supposed to throw that away?" Apache, I understand...I am living that question right now. But which is more important...your wife, or that retirement? You may not be able to have both.

I think your wife made a huge step forward. I think you handled it well. Now is the time to start making decisions. Yes, she screwed up. And it isnt fair that we have to carry the weight. But, oh well...we have no choice.

In the end, you took two oathes. One was to the people of the United States to protect and defend. You took that oath and said that until the end of your commission or contract, you would do your duty. You have done that.

But the second oath was to your wife, to love her, be there for her, thru sickness, poverty, WORSE. AS LONG AS YOU BOTH LIVE! This is worse. You have stood by in the worse. But you still have your word, your oath...your covenant with her, and with God. Sure, she broke it. But in the end, this is about you.

So, I would take this months training and I would have a serious heart-to-heart with myself if I were you. And decide where this goes from here.

You will have to lead your wife out of this mess. That is if you decide for your marriage. But I am almost certain that she isnt going to follow you with you not being around for her. This will take time to rebuild, the kind of time that the military wont give you.

Tell your wife about this. Tell her that you are taking this month of training to decide what you can do about all of this, that EVERYTHING is on the table, including your career.

Apache, God said that wives must respect and submit to their husbands. It says nothing about loving them. God also says that husbands must love their wives like Christ loves us. Have you seen the Passion? did you see what kind of love that He is talking about here? It wasnt fair for Jesus either. He gave up everything for a bunch of people that wanted to kill Him. Did He complain? Did He do anything but love those people and ask God for forgiveness for them?

This is a HARD lesson I have been learning. Men and women ARE different. We approach marriage and relationships from an entirely different perspective. We have to love them, like Christ loved us. Sacrificial love. Love that transcends the events of the day.

Our counselor was talking to me the other day. And he said to me that agape love (The kind of love I am talking about here) is what women need. The love that says that they are valued above anything in this life.

Read "Wild at Heart." Buy it before you go. It is GREAT in helping us see the dnamics of what women and men need and want. Basically, it says this.

Men need: </font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A battle to fight</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">An adventure to go on</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And a beauty to fight for</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now this is very interesting, because the author finds that what women want dovetails to this nicely." Women need: </font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To be fought for</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To go on an adventure with someone</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And to be the beauty to someone</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
So, what is it going to be now? Your wife has been honest and clear. She will now be looking to you to make the first move. Not telling her to read books or see a counselor. Sure, she needs to do those things. But she needs you to lead by example. Yo uhave done that upto now. You going to MC on your own is HUGE in her book. It is probably why she opened up. It is probably why she is trusting you just a little bit.

What are you going to do with that? She is looking for a leader, someone to consider her the beauty, someone to fight for her...someone to start this adventure all over again and to grab her and ride off into the sunset with her. Yes this all sounds so goofy and poetic. But when it comes down to it, this is what makes the whole thing work.

So, I owuld get that book if I were you. I would sit down and write a long letter to your wife before you leave, telling her that you are evaluating everything and will be making a decision on your career and other things...because you value her more than anything. Then go on this exercise and you sit down and decide. You pray. You come up with the plan. And when you return, you lead. Dont try to convice her...just lead. She is in the fog anyway, so convincing is a futile exercise. Just lead.

In His arms.

The first step is for the truth to be revealed, and it is a blessing that she did the revealing.

While you are away, can you find a way to talk with her on the phone or on e-mail? Set up a time nightly?

Thank you all for your continued support. My plan is to give her some space (don't have a choice over the next month) and to call her while I'm gone. I do plan to leave SAA out while I'm gone in hopes that she will read it. I will pick up the MC again once I return and will continue to ask her if she wants to go.
Mortarman - getting out is not as easy as you make it sound - and not because of retirement. I still have an active duty service obligation because of an aircraft type change. The unit is reflaging and is under a stop-loss during. Many folks in my aviation community are trying to get out for various reasons. Retirements are not being granted - unless mandatory. Right now I have to deal with it and try to recover my marriage. I made a deal to stay here instead of PCSing (moving) in order to work on my marriage (because my W said she wasn't leaving - even if I did). That deal has put me under a stop-loss now (since last week).
I feel I must "deal" with the job and "work" on my marriage at the same time - I think it can be done, but will require me to work harder and be as available as is absolutely possible. Affairs are not new to the military and there are those around me who have experienced tha same thing without leaving the job. Requires more thought by me and a policy change for the Army.
I refuse to give in to the "woe is me" crap. I will make it work the best I can - I have no other choice.

Consider buying the MB program courses -- I think they're $200. You and your W can go through the material while gone. I'm finding it more helpful than SAA because it shows how much we didn't meet each other's emotional needs -- and that's why we got married in the first place, becasue we did meet each other's ENs.

I think that your W being willing to admit to an A shows that she is willing to work on the M. It may be a blessing in disguise that you are apart for a month because you can regain some of your composure during that time. I sure needed time to. I berated my H at his father's wake two weeks after D-day. That is a memory that is hard for both of us to deal with.

I think I'll wait until she decides she is also willing to work on the marriage before I order the MB courses. Thanks for bringing them to my attention.

My W called me during lunch today and told me she is having trouble getting thru the day - she is so consumed with her thoughts. She is still in the "fog" but seems to be coming out. She is reading a book called "Creating a Life" - anyone ever heard of it?
Anyway, she seems to be coming to grips with how her decisions have hurt me and us. She just wants to run away and leave (sounds like the old fight or flight syndrome). She realizes that this can't just all go away - it must be faced -and that's hard. She did admit that the affair was about HER and not me. She says she can't see things ever getting better. I think SAA is exactly what she needs to read - and soon. If she is open to it, then it will help - if not, then maybe it will provoke thought.

Apache,
It looks like you are making progress. Your w admits that the A was about her and not you. She is seeing the consequences of her actions and who she has hurt and it is not easy. Yes, running away would be easier, but she knows that it won't make everything "go away". She is starting to see reality. That is a good sign.

She may not see now that recovery is an option. As you said earlier, she expected to confess and then have you throw her out. You did very well in handling the situation.

Your time apart now might actually be a good thing, she will have time to evaluate her feelings without feeling pressure of trying to make your relationship work at the same time. As you said, leave some things out for her to read, she is slowly coming out of the fog and it won't be easy for her to see that you could want to repair the marriage. Keep the lines of communication open. She does not have to go anywhere, she can stay in your home and feel safe.

I understand the issue of the military and being able to retire early. It's not as easy as it used to be. When you return, I would sit down and tell her that you understand her need for you to be there and that you will make it a priority to work towards that goal. If you both want to make it work and are honest with the issues of being seperate, it will be easier to be realistic in your expectations of each other.

I will be praying for both of you, Ladysing

Apache,
How were things last night? I know that you and your W are both in a very fragile state, I am concerned about you.

When do you have to leave? I am hoping that you have this weekend to discuss things and let her know that you are willing to try to make things work. Keep us posted, Ladysing

LadySing
Last night, things at home were ok. I got home later than usual because I had to fly last night. My wife was asleep on the sofa when I got home and there were no confrontations. We will have time to talk more this weekend - I don't leave until early Monday morning.

I am doing just fine. I am getting over the 2x4 to the head and my anger/resentment is in check. As long as my wife is willing to talk and work things out - we should be able to start a slow walk down the road to recovery. She is starting to be affectionate and that is the most significant change lately.

I still have many questions, but she knows exactlt where I stand. I am not in the marriage just to be tolerated. Yesterday she asked me how I could be so "up" after what she told me. I told her that I already knew before she told me and was not shocked anymore. I told her that given the choices of being "up" or being "down and devastated" I choose "up" and it's not really a choice - I can't function any other way.

apache - Good for you. The cost of fighting terrorism has been very high for many. I continue to pray for you and the others.

My W called me this afternoon and said she found the books I left and had been reading SAA. She was terribly upset and said she was able to see herself and her situation in the book. She has been reading many books, but said this one described her situation to the "T". She also said she does not agree that this is all her fault (the way the book made her feel). I told her that I am responsible for my lack of involvement in the relationship prior to my deployment, but I did not make the affair happen. I told her to read the entire book (front cover to back) before she just rejected what it said. I also told her that I left HNHN at home too and that it was also a good book. I really think she still blames ME for HER affair. Maybe she will continue to read and realize that we are each responsible for our own behavior/actions/decisions/etc.
Has anyone else had a WS who had similar reactions. Maybe she is still in the fog and slowly coming out?

At first WS's are not sorry. But later on she will be. Read the home page "quick clicks" about restoration, overcoming resentment, and reconciliation. I am sure that you contributed to her feeling that led to the A. However it was her choice.

You have fought the enemy and we are proud of you. You can fight this too. I am just so sorry that you are going through this. You have given too much already. But you can do this too. Stick with us. We will help you, like you helped us.

I want her to feel safe and able to be honest, but I have many, many questions. I feel I have been lied to so much that I have the right to ask questions about what was going on , when and details. These questions run thru my mind almost daily. I think I should be able to ask anything and get an honest answer. I'm sure that's normal for a BS, but can I expect she will answer AND am I right to want to know? I feel I have to know to help me get over this.

apache,

I cannot imagine how you are dealing with this. I am in the Navy, and have done numerous deployments and exercises. Not once while on sea duty did my W stray, it was after I was on shore duty and overseas when we are having our problems. You need to realize that something was missing for her to go elsewhere. You can't make deployments stop, that is the nature of our business. Be firm w/her and let her know that you love her and want your M, but she has to choose you. Let her see what she will be missing if y'all aren't together. You may have said this someplace else, but do you have kids?