On March 21st, my world world came crashing down. It's the night that I found out my wife was having an affair with her old boss. But first....how did I get here: My wife and I have been married for 6 and a half years. We have three daughters, ages 5, 3, and 9 months. Our 9 month old has been diagnosed with developmental delay but at one point, we thought she would be blind, crippled, and retarded (she may not be any of these).

I have known for a while that our relationship has been having trouble. We had lost that intimate connection between us. We would only have sex every three months or so. I had reached out to her over the years, asking why there was no passion in our relationship and why our sex life was so bad (kinda selfish in a way, always about my needs).Each time her response was indifference. Financially, we are in good shape, money was never a problem. Her mother died in Sept and with the baby's problems, stress was unbelievable. We hated to be in the same room as each other. In Jan, I had another "No spark, no passion" conversation with her and she agreed there were problems. She said we felt like roommates and nothing more. I told her that I was questioning my feelings for her but in reality, I was playing mind games. I did love her and was trying to "scare" her into changing. Well, what I didnt realize was that she was questioning her feelings for me. She says she began soul searching
right around the time her mom died.I realized my error and told her that I did love her and wanted to make things work.

She began to confide with her old boss about our marriage problems in Oct. It turns out that his marriage was in equally bad shape (he has two boys). They began this emotional affair and it has led to a physical one sometime in Feb. I found proof and confronted her and she lied and lied until it was obvious she was caught. She admited everything: sexy cards and cell phone bills don't lie. The next day, I decided I had to make a choice: anger, resentment, hatred, and bitterness or I could love her and forgive her. I chose to love her and forgive her and I told her that. She couldn't believe that I could make that decision so soon but I told her that she didn't know what was in my heart. It's four days after the truth came out. I'm still at home. I've been in counseling (Christian) for 5 weeks and she is seeing her own couselor (about three weeks now).

I told her that the affair has to stop and she agreed but I feel that her correspondence with him will continue and that is essentially continuing the affair. We still sleep in the same bed and we still talk about other stuff. I know she has feelings for this guy as he connected with her emotionally. She tells me that if our marriage ends, it won't be because of this guy; it will be because she can't rekindle her love for me. I love her dearly and want to make it work. Please respond and tell me what you think.

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BH 36 (me)
WW 38
Married Aug 1997
Says she doesn't love me anymore Feb 14th, 2004
DDAY Mar 20th, 2004
3 Girls (5, 3, 9 mnths)

Here's one of the first things people are going to tell you, have your wife write a NC (no contact) letter to the OM (other man) stating that the affair is over. She has to write it and you approve it. If you haven't read SAA (Surviving an Affair) you need to it will help also read His Needs/Her Needs. I'm not exp. here but I'm sure more exp. people will give advice. Good Luck.

Welcome here. It is sad that you end up here. But you are lucky that you find this site. Lots of experts will give you advice. Hang in here.

InGreatPain,

You are in a really bad place in your life right now but fortunately you have found an unbelievable resource - this website. Welcome.

Like Johns98ck said, your wife has to end contact for real progress to be made. There is an example NC letter in the book he recommended, Surviving an Affair. When she writes the NC letter, she should delete all emails they exchanged, share all email account passwords with you, put rules on her email accounts that delete emails from him w/o her seeing them, allow you to install spyware on the comptuer, throw out all cards, change her cellphone number and give you access to all records and voicemail password... in short, everything imaginable to truly sever all contact and to reassure you that contact has ended.

An A is like an addiction and is VERY hard to break free of. Continue reading here and you'll see WS posting of their struggles and BS posting of how hard it is to help their WS go through the withdrawal. It can be done, and it will help if you're prepared and know what ot expect.

Your W likely won't be willing to let go immediately. She will tell you she loves you but she's not in love with you. She'll tell you she doesn't know if she ever loved you. These thoughts and feelings are temporary and will clear over time. It takes a long time (months) but it *will* clear. Try not to let these things beat you down too much. It is hard.

Read the Q&A columns on this site about Emotional Needs, Love Busters, and Surviving Infidelity. Your job now is to learn to meet your wife's ENs, to avoid Love Busters, and to help her give up the OM when she's ready.

Keep posting, this site is a fabulous resource.

I thank you for your advice but here is my dilemma....You can't MAKE someone love you. You can't MAKE someone stop seeing the OM if they aren't willing. You can't MAKE them stay home when they say they are going out with "friends". My wife knows how I feel about no contact with him. I've stated my feelings twice. I don't feel that it does ANY good to keep on pounding my thoughts into her head. She knows how I feel.

Read SAA and start a Plan A if she's still living with you read up on the sight here about Plan A and also Plan B (which I hope I don't have to go to) but you need to read especially about Love Busting. That's what I did and that's why my wife left (the love busting I mean), I wish I would have found this sight sooner. So if your wife is still home get the book and Plan A. You have to realize that your W is in a fog right now an addiction so to say. When she says stuff like "I love you but I'm not in love with you" I mean think about this statement does it really make any sense at all? So just remember it's fog and be patient.

<small>[ March 26, 2004, 11:22 AM: Message edited by: Johns98ck ]</small>

ingreatpain,
i am so sorry you are here but like others, i'm glad you are here trying to learn. my H tried to give me hints and nudging that our M was in trouble but i just ignored it and didn't realize the relational consequences of my actions or lack of them and now he's in an A.

i think you should read his needs/her needs first then surviving an affair. but definitely read both ASAP. read as many posts as you can and post questions yourself or replies, i don't think there is such a thing as posting too much here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
the more you read/learn the more of course things will make sense to you. prayers to you and for where you are at.

To update you: The other man's wife knows about the affair, he told her. My wife continues to say that if our marriage ends, it won't be due to the OM (I believe that this may be true). What this OM has done for her is shown her feelings she hasn't had for so long. He has shown her that passion and emotional intimacy really are very important to her. She feels that she has been too content in our marriage. He has shown her everything she has been missing in our relationship.

She says that she has just realized that she hasn't loved me for years and that she has been affraid to admit it for fear of hurting me (i believe this somewhat) . After her mother died in Sept, she says for the first time in her life, she has been "soul searching" and is finding out a lot of things about her self. Her counselor says that for my wife's entire life, she has put other people's feelings ahead of her own. My wife now feels that life is too short and that she needs to start doing things that make her happy. I mention that I am not the same person that I was 6 months ago (I'm a Christain)and that I really do know what she needs now. She says that may be true but she doesn't want her emotional needs met by me anymore. She's not sure why we continued to have kids when she was questioning her feelings for me, she says she thought things would get better. I'm anticipating her to ask me for a separation sometime soon so she can see if she misses me. I don't know what to think of this but I will most likely have to grant it to her.

In Great pain...I know EXACTLY what you are going thru right now. Unfortunately I do not have time to write a long reply. My FWH said all those things to me. I have some pretty good threads that were under my user name that you can see the turmoil I went thru for the past three weeks/month.

It took my H about 3 weeks to finally end his A with his OW. He wrote a NC letter the very next day. His user name is dadto3boys.

This is a wonderful site. You will get all the support you need to help you get thru this. Keep posting and I will try to post to you when I get back from lunch with my FWH! good luck and hang in there!

IGP,

First, if I had a $1.00 for every time someone has come here and posted that their W/H said this to them, I would be speaking to you from a mansion on an Island I own. What you are hearing are excuses for what she did. You have three children 5 and to 9 months, LIFE is NOT fun when you are at that stage of life. Sorry, it is hard work, she has not recovered from her last pregnancy and she may have post-partum depression for all I know.

Do the plans, don't listen to what she is saying, because she is in the fog. If she leaves you she either leaves the children which will hurt her, or she will have three children under 5 and the swinging life she envisions won't happen.

She is in the "FOG" so get to work on plan A NOW. Then see if you can find an IC with their head our of ther $ss. Of course she likes to please people.

MOST PEOPLE LIKE TO PLEASE OTHER PEOPLE, unless they are a sociopath. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Good grief!

So my man, you are going have stand firm, work the plan and give this time and plenty of patience. She is going to say really cruel things to you, some really mean things to you, but if YOU LOVE HER, you will take them and realize that it is just the "fog" of the affair talking.

Calm down, consitently show her you love her, set reasonable boundaries, have a lot of patience and give this time.

The people here will do their best to talk you through it, but do the reading, do the learning, and act on it. Don't try to educate your W, while she is in the fog she will only get angry.

God Bless,

JL

I thank the two of you for your kind and compassionate words. It's tough to know what the truth is right now. I appreciate the talk about her being in the fog, it makes her words less painful.

Anyways, My currently wayward wife has asked me if it would be a good idea if we went to Florida for a couple of days, just the two of us or we could all go, and drop our daughters off at my mom's in FLA (We live in Illinois). This has caught me off guard but I told her I think it might be a good idea. It's been years since we went somewhere by ourselves. This gesture seems to be coming quite soon after DDay and I don't know what to think. However, If she is reaching out, I would be a fool to say no. Talk about pressure on a trip though, I'm going to feel as if everything I say and do will go into her final decision about wanting to make this work. Just a little confused.

IGP,

I think you are viewing things from the wrong end of the telescope. Things are closer than you seem to think. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

First, GO to FLA. Do it, enjoy it, smile, laugh, sun too much, party too much, dance too much, but more than anything ENJOY it as if it were your last days on earth. One never knows. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

As for being, under her microscope, you got it wrong. She is going to have to pay attention to you to keep this marriage going. Her saying she doesn't want this to work, or she is uncertain is more smoke screen and fog to cover her affair. If she really wanted to leave for OM, she would have filed and she has not.

Actually, the ball is in her court as much as it is yours. So plan A while on this trip but ENJOY it. You will be amazed how powerful you enjoying life will be to her. She will wonder what you are smiling about. She will wonder what you are up to. She will see you as you really are, not as she has made you out to be during the A.

IGP, you may not understand this right now, but YOU are in a strong position with regard to your life, she is NOT. You know you love her. You know what commitment means. You know you will survive if she leaves, and you know that your family and hers will think much less of her for what she has done.

I realize you want this to work with all your heart, and your willingness to do plan A and work to forgive her and rebuild the marriage shows this. But, realize it is HER decisions that will bring it back and you cannot really control them. But, you can have fun. You can avoid relationship talks. I would avoid them until she decides what she wants to do. If she finally decides to come back, then she will need to talk at depth with you and be very honest with you.

So go, have fun, smile, enjoy.

IGP remember this saying </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The best revenge is a life well lived.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Start living yours well and see what happens. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless,

JL

I can hear your pain cuz I just went thru this not one week ago. I heard it all..."I dont love you anymore...I fell out of love with you a long time ago...I haven't been happy in sooo long...OW makes me much happeier...We have so much MORE in common than with you...I just dont think this can work....the sex is great with OW"

Man I heard it all...you need to go into a Plan A immediately...meaning NO LOVE BUSTING! Go and get Surviving An Affair NOW and read it..BUY two copies and give one to your WW to read. when you see her, be nice to her and tell her how much you want the marriage to work.

Your wife is in FOGLAND right now. I know this is hard to accept and hard to understand...BELIEVE ME, I was sooo thickheaded when all these people were telling me this on my thread. They can vouch for that. I see the same thing in your wife as I saw in my H. I plan A'd my butt off and look where we are now. 4 days into recovery. I would come here day and night for the support I needed and when I saw a good post, i wiould print it off and give it to him to read. I gave him truehearts letter and that really helped him.

Go to FLA with your wife. Plan A your butt off with her. It will confuse the crap out of her. She will think "why is he being so loving to me when I am doing this to him.".

I was lucky in the sense my H only stayed in FOGLAND about 3 weeks after DDay. He is back home now. I had to completely withdraw myself from him and his situation and convince myself he was an alien that had abducted my REAL Husband. I begged that alien to release him back to me and eventually he did. This is not your WIFE you are dealing with...It is an alien. Your wife is buried in the aliens body and soul right now. Do not believe anything she is telling you. THEY ALL SAY THE EXACT SAME THINGS

Her emotions will change from day to day...One day she may wnat to leave the OM and the next day she will say Nope, I am keeping him, I dont love you anymore...Or I love you but not in THAT way!

give her time. She will come around. I see lots of hope for you. Your situation is very similar to mine. My husband is home now and more dedicated than ever before to our marriage. He knew he had to give up on the OW, but he was not ready and your wife wont be ready. NOw that the Affair is out in the open and exposed to the world, it will eventually die a natural death as my H's did, blow up in her face or just fizzle out. My H got so emotionally drained from going from me to her from her to me. He just couldn't lie anymore. Give it time and come her for any support you need. This board was my lifeline for the past month. They are experts and we are going thru this together. My FWH also posts here too. dadto3boys.

Have fun in FLA!

The both of you are beautiful, strong people and I thank you for your encouraging words. Another quick update: WW went on airline websites looking to book our trip. She wanted to book it as soon as possible. Flights are really limited due to spring break so I suggested we look more towards May. She said "I don't want to plan the perfect vacation here, I just want to go due to where we are in our lives right now". I said I understood. I think she's really torn and possibly going through a bit of withdrawal. Her wanting to go to FLA seems like a good thing. She even called my Mom to run it by her. (One of the things she hates right now is that my Mom knows about the A and she is amazingly embarrassed. My mom has been supportive of her though). I was surprized WW even bothered to include my parents. There are lots of places we could have stayed.

WW just booked trip to FLA for us/3 daughters. Planning at least 2 days of alone time after dropping kids off at my parents. Don't entirely trust her motives on all this. I suppose if she had another bomb to drop on me (example: the separation bomb) she could have done that right here at home in Illinois. Anyways, I feel that she is in withdrawal from OM right now and realizes it. I hope she doesn't put too much pressure on this trip to "see" if anything is still there between us. Kinda nervous about all this. WW goes to her "counselor" right now to get more selfish advice. Pray that God speaks through this woman.

IGB,

I think you can trust that she is doing as well as she can no matter how this turns out. I will repeat my message: Have a good time, smile, avoid relationship talks other than to confirm you love her.

If she wants to talk relationships, let her, but make sure of one thing, you and she have some fun, some non-relationship talking time and no matter what she says: you enjoy yourself. I don't mean blow her off. I mean listen to her, validate her feelings, hold her, hug her, but don't push her. Then take her for a walk on the beach, enjoy the beauty of the place, the sounds, smells, see life again, and point out to her what you see and enjoy.

You both need to see life through each others eyes, and one of the best places to start is to show her what you find beautiful in life and the world. Then listen to her, and talk, and listen more.

This trip will NOT make or break your marriage so relax. What it can do is plant seeds for both of you to think about, nuture, and develop into something special IF she will give you a chance.

She may not right now, but I sense that she is very conflicted so do as good of plan A as you can, and continue when you get home. There is a reason for this. A good plan A may end the affair and give you a chance, but if it doesn't it makes plan B much more effective, much more.

So relax, enjoy your vacation, listen, validate, listen, don't be defensive if she points out your shortcomings (you cannot win that arguement <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) but realize that while she may be wrong, something IS bothering her about you and you need to figure out what it is. So use it as a clue, validate and ask more questions, listen carefully to the answers.

IGP, this trip is for you to learn, so take good notes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

God Bless,

JL

PS: You can start some of this learning process now, but do your homework. Read and learn about plan a and B before you go. Read the articles here, get the book, ask questions here, and discuss what you think you are hearing. So have you got enough to do? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> If not, I am sure others will offer more. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />