I thought this might help some of you get your side through to your WS via a 3rd party article. So print it out for them and leave it where they'll see it. Thoughts about article anyone????

Here goes...

Jim said he expected Alan Funt to jump out of the back seat of the car and yell, "You're on Candid Camera" when his wife, Gina, told him that she had just ended an affair with someone at work. Her revelation was so unexpected and so contrary to his image of her because he knew his wife to be a moral person who had never been promiscuous, and their marriage had felt very loving and secure. His initial numbness and shock was followed by other traumatic reactions. Jim became obsessed with questioning Gina about all of the details of her affair. He checked the cell phone bills and rummaged through her purse for clues of further infidelity. He had enormous mood swings and noticed that he was easily startled. He could no longer listen to country western music because too many of the lyrics distressed him. He had intrusive thoughts during the day and terrible dreams at night about his wife's infidelity. When he had to drive on the same road where she had made her disclosure, he had flashbacks. Although Jim felt that he must be going crazy, his traumatic reactions are characteristic of many betrayed spouses.

Traumatic events such as natural disasters and criminal attacks shatter our assumptions about our sense of safety in the world. In a similar way, the discovery of infidelity is devastating because it shatters basic assumptions about the security we expect in committed relationships. Most people feel safe from the betrayal of infidelity if they are in a loving relationship where both people have been disapproving of extramarital involvements. In intimate relationships, there is a truth bias, so people tend to take their partner's word as truth unless there is a prior history of lying and deception. After the betrayal, the traumatized spouse questions everything they trusted and depended on. They say that they no longer know who they are married to or what their marriage stands for. The most severely traumatized are generally the ones who had the greatest trust and were the most unsuspecting. However, even someone who is suspicious and is initially relieved to learn that they weren't paranoid, has difficulty accepting the reality of a partner's deception.

The trauma continues until safety is established. Continuing contact between the unfaithful spouse and the affair partner will delay recovery. Stopping an affair does not just mean ending sexual intercourse. It means ending all emotional and verbal intimacy. The involved partner may wish to maintain a friendship with the affair partner, but the betrayed spouse cannot heal until the personal relationship is totally terminated. However, when the affair partner is a co-worker or professional colleague who cannot be totally ignored, the contact must be strictly business. That means no coffee breaks or phone calls or little discussions about how the marriage is going. Only by sharing any necessary or unplanned encounters with the affair partner can trust be rebuilt.

An important stage in recovering from any traumatic event involves telling the story about what occurred. The involved partner must be willing to answer questions about the affair. During an affair, there is a wall of deception and secrecy. The story of the affair must be shared in order for recovery and healing to occur. Lack of discussion will maintain the sense of secrecy which contributed to the intensity of the affair for the involved spouse. Therefore, disclosure will allow both spouses to gradually let go of this threat to their marriage. The disclosure process goes through stages: the first stage of truth-seeking often feels like the inquisition of a detective and a criminal; the second stage of information-seeking is a neutral process like a reporter and an interviewee; the final stage of mutual understanding is an empathic search for the meaning of the affair. Marital therapy can help couples create a healing process of disclosure. Couples who work together to understand the individual and relationship vulnerabilities that led to an affair can emerge with a stronger, more intimate marriage than ever before.

Should I e-mail it to WH? But I am not supposed to educate him wight?

I would send it to him. I differ from MB philosophy on educating the WS. I educated my FWH like crazy and it worked for us.

it's a good article but i'm going to play a little devil's advocate (don't know if that's the right analogy) what about the trauma the WS has felt? and not just felt once but repeatedly over years or being rejected, unloved, unwanted, etc.? that traumatization is very real too.

this is how i feel and what my H has said that he gave me so many opportunities, year after year to change back to the woman he married and that this (the A) is what it took for me to finally wake up.

IMO sounds like the article is more suited for those who either say they want to work on their M and are having a hard time making the commitment or for those WS in recovery. but i could totally be off. just doesn't sound like something for a WS deep in the fog. but on the other hand i gave my H truehearts letter to read (to all WS) even though i thought i probably shouldn't but i was feeling that i didn't have anything to lose and that maybe it might help him.

RR I wouldn't want to change places with my FWH for anything. If you want to learn more about what a WS goes through a good book is Torn Asunder by Dave Carder..it gives a good description of what steps both a BS and WS go through.

My H and I both got the the empathy stage for each other which is critical for recovery.

I just thought this was a good description of what a BS goes through and might help some struggling WS to understand what their BS is going through...so maybe they won't think their BS is quite so crazy or abnormal.

Articles were a good way to get through to my H in those early foggy days.

Any other thoughts...any one print this out for their WS?

Hi,

I think this is great! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Did you write it? It really puts a mental picture to the pain. I think you really drove the point home.

I hope more read this. Will you be expanding it?

Hope so,
L.

It sure felt as if I could have written it..it was very close to how I felt but I didn't...I got it off Dr. Shirley Glass's website. wwww.shirleyglass.com.

I know that lots of experienced MBers don't believe in educating the WS when they are in the fog...but educating my WS is one of many things that brought him out of the fog.

Best tactic at first for him was for me to print things from here and leave them laying around..his curiousity always got the better of him.

Then I would ask him to read things and then he started doing it on his own.

He was almost as desparate to figure out what happened to him and us as I was.

Forevertogether, I would first like to say I really applaud this exchange. I thought for sure that somebody would jump all over Roughroad for her assessment of the other side. I like the idea of educating delicately/slowly and carefully. Too much hard hitting material at once will surely push them deeper not only into the fog but into defense mode. This is no doubt a traumatic event for both sides. My W is still extremely guarded and verrrrrry slow to re-commit to me and M.

While it has been frustrating and my patience is tiring I'm not sure I would have really changed much. My name says it all. I have been so delicately trying to coax her into counseling (which we are w/SH)and careful not to try to ram anything down her throat. My point of this post is to underscore exactly what Roughroad said in that if you're honest with yourself you can start to see your huge part in creating the enviornment for this to happen. My W is so angry at me for pushing her down this path. And while I don't feel guilty or accept all the blame I can see that she has been crying out for help all these years. As much as I consider myself model husband and father I am starting to see where I missed the mark. That would be in the department of romance and simply making her feel special and never second best. So it is with a lot of patience,love and introspection and education on this board that I am finally starting to understand how bad I hurt this woman. Having said all that, I wonder if she will ever grasp how bad she has hurt me. She will someday have to try and repair that just as I am trying to atone for past sins. But there is no doubt that the possibility for a better marriage exists after all is said and done.

WOE

WOE...I do agree...both WS and BS have been traumatized. This is just an example of what a BS feels and how they react. Anyone have anything similar from a WS perspective?

Our MC described it as going through a near death experience. That is definitely a decent description. My FWH and I both treated it as such. That's why we devoted so much time and energy to recovery and doing all the recommended steps. You only get one life...might as well put the work into making it a good one!

As I mentioned before...one of the reasons my H and I recovered so quickly is that we had empathy for each other. Reading here and reading the books certainly helped us reach that stage alot easier.

That and a geniune remorse on both of our roles in leading us into this sucky drama. You are so right...both us were responsible for the state we'd allowed our M to reach pre-A...was intentional on either of our parts...just lost focus on balancing our priorities....but only he has responsibility for the A. That is one heck of a burden to carry.

I admire my H for owning up to his horrible mistake and doing all the work to help us both recover. I WOULDN'T WANT TO SPEND EVEN ONE DAY IN HIS SHOES...SOME DAYS THE GUILT IS BARELY BEARABLE FOR HIM.

Most days on at least one or two occasions I catch him looking at me with tears in his eyes. When I ask him what's wrong he says he still can't believe how stupid he was and how close he came to losing me!

I just want to comment to lostnhurt! I educated my WH as much as I could. Mostly posts and articles from this site. Anything I thought would really get into his FOGGED up head, I printed out and gave it to him...Made sure he read it in front of me.

You remember that letter I gave him, right? That is the letter that brought him home. The very last part of it...him imagining ME with another man <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> So, do educate him. Not too much, but just enough...Print out things that relate to HIM. I would print thing out that explained the FOGLAND, and he may not see it while he is in the FOG, but eventually he will. My husband is just now coming out of FOGLAND. He is much bettre than he was two days ago and is really finally seeing the OW for who she really is. Hang in there!