Today is our anniversary. I completely forgot and just went to work as usual. When I got home, there were some flowers and a card from WH. It said "We've got everything, because we have each other". He crossed out the got and wrote in HAD, and crossed out the have and wrote in HAD.

He wrote that he would have come by to see me but what he says is never good enough or the right thing to say. Well he's right about that. I told him I didn't want to see him or talk to him as long as she is still in the picture. So I guess he will be spending our anniversary with her.

He did give me the old you've been a wonderful wife and I'm happy we were married spiel. Then he said that he was not good enough for me, blah, blah, blah.

But I did have a good day. I got an award at work. And when I came home my boys had put in new carpet for me. So I am very thankful for the good things in my life.

Believer, may I make a suggestion? Send your husband Cerri's phone number and e-mail address. In small, easily understood words, tell him this:

"If you want to be married to me, call her and do what she says to do."

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Happy anniversary! Congratulations on the award! And yay!! New carpeting!!!

Believer -

You rock! I am trying my luck over on the Recovery board again. Good grief.

WH told me and his mother he is about to end relationship with OW for good. How exciting.

SS

JustJ - He has it. And he also has the information for the Harley's. He was supposed to make an appointment in December, but "has not gotten around to it".

Spiderslayer - I'm watching you girl, all over the board. Read the information on the home page under "quick clicks" about restoration, overcoming resentment and reconciliation. Your WH has made huge steps lately. Give him credit for that.

By the way, where is our friend Brett. I may have to send you over to check on him.

Hmmmmm. Silly man. Well, if he ever contacts me (and he's welcome to), he and I will have a chat about his, err, actions. Or lack thereof.

Hi believer,

Your sons bought you new carpet? You have very thoughtful sons!

I was thinking about the card your H gave to you,

"It said "We've got everything, because we have each other". He crossed out the got and wrote in HAD, and crossed out the have and wrote in HAD."

-Not just the card itself, but also thinking about him in the store, browsing through the anniversary cards, and all the words of love and commitment and appreciation of the love....this could not have been an easy thing for him to do. Wouldn't surprise me if he teared-up while reading some of those expressions of love. And then, not finding one that says what he IS able to say to you at this point, he finds one that he can, at least, edit to fit the situation as it is now.for him.

Thinking about the one he chose though, how true it is (and if only he would realize the full implication to your sitch now.) That is, that when you had *ONLY* one another, you had it all. He can still have it all, as the card says, when he can agree to have only one another again!

His comments about nothing he says is ever good enough, or he isn't good enough for you is SO his doing! It's almost like he attempted to make you the guilty party with such high-standards or something, something he could never attain--so, it's on you instead of him and his own harmful choices.

Anyway, this can't be easy for you, especially today, and wanted to send a ton of hugs and also say that your boundary ROCKS! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Keep on....

JustJ - I have given up on him. This has been going on a year. I am so thankful for this board and Plan B. Right now I have accepted things as they are.

WH talks a good story, but that is all it has ever been. I'm not wasting one more minute of my life thinking about him.

I have lots to be thankful for, much more than I ever dreamed of having. So I will be content with what I have.

laststraw -

Thru this whole thing, he has always blamed me. He says that things were good in our marriage, that he made a mistake, blah, blah, blah.

But he continues to blame me for not taking him back while he is still seeing OW. And he is not just seeing her, but completely with her, spending his money, time, everything on her. I think the blame is just to make himself feel better for his betrayal.

You rock, believer. I support you completely in your life, your kids, your successes. It all just... rocks.

Well, hmmm..let me get this straight..

"But he continues to blame me for not taking him back while he is still seeing OW. "

He wants to come back home AND have you agree for him to still see the OW?

Or, he wants to come home, and only IF you agree to his home-coming, will he give up the OW? In other words, he won't give her up UNTIL you take him back?

laststraw -

You got it right, he wants to come back and move in with me again, and THEN he will give up OW. He has been with her for a year. And he has sworn he had NC with her 9 different times, but it never lasted more than 1 day.

Okay...

"You got it right, he wants to come back and move in with me again, and THEN he will give up OW. He has been with her for a year. And he has sworn he had NC with her 9 different times, but it never lasted more than 1 day. "

Well I can certainly see the sense in your stand that he give up the OW completely FIRST before you can even *consider rebuilding. Welcoming him back at this point without him agreeing to NC first...and living it, (& persuing YOU) so that you can see he really means it....would be setting yourself up for more broken promises/heart-ache.

If he is to come out of this smog at all, it will be largely due to your firm stand in this boundary.

What I cannot understand is why he doesn't get it..see the simplicity of it all. It's not rocket science, really. 2 plus 1 equals 3. 1 plus 1 equals 1 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> (flesh, anyway, in M.)

He doesn't sound like the kind of WS who just doesn't care at all anymore, for you. To even take the time and effort to bring you flowers on your anniversary and that card, sounds to me like he is very much torn up about this whole matter of his inappropriate behavior.

I wanted to ask you something, if it's not too personal. How did you FEEL when you saw those flowers there when you got home?

laststraw -

Well I came home from work. My kids were here, putting in the carpet. They told me that there were flowers and a card from my WH. Really I felt nothing.

I have gone through this too long. I did put the flowers in water and they are very nice. My WH is a good man, but not for me.

"Really I felt nothing."

I am surprised by this. I guess because here you are, at MB, and I noticed the great number of your posts! And you felt "nothing" upon seeing the anniversary flowers from him, to you.

Is this part of Plan B? The result is you just may feel nothing....for the WS??!!

I guess feeling nothing can be better than feeling hurt.

It's been said the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. I wonder if this is how you feel, now.

<small>[ March 26, 2004, 09:09 PM: Message edited by: Last_Straw ]</small>

Well I guess that is the power of Plan B. Yes I am at marriagebuilders. But I am pretty much done. I still believe that he is a good man, but I am done with him.

believer,

Okay, I'd probably feel done with mine too--at the point you are and all you have already been through.

He is not there with YOU, tonight, on your wedding anniversary. He did not offer you the ONLY gift you probably could accept with a smile now, his fidelity.

I believe in miracles, believer, and I can't help but think you are on the verge of one.

May God rock your H's world to the shaking down, even tonight.

Peace to you, believer--grace to you.

Dear Believer,

The fog is not solid, so there are times of sanity that peeks through. Glad you got the flowers. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I thought about what he wrote on the card "had" vs got and have. I thought of a retort:

WS' card: "We've 'had' everything, because we 'had' each other"

A BS retort: Well our family has everything because we have each other. Sorry you are not a part of this family at this time.

Ok, so I am horribly sarcastic to the Ws but that's how I vent.

Here's my point, he is still in the fog and trying to find some clearing. Afraid yet anxious to move forward, he stumbles and trips on his own actions. Words foam out of his mouth and the crazed look in his eye is noticeable by many.

It is vital you retain your dignity and sanity. He needs to know there is stability within his reach. Maybe not a point he realizes......yet. But you as the BS needs to have this stabilit which can serve as a beacon of hope to those lost in the fog.

The A reminds me of the infamous Bermuda Triangle (BT). Seems like those lost ships and planes are still a mystery. The A and it's causes are similar. But outside that triangle is stability. The rest of the area can make plans and move forward knowing that their world is not as unstable as the BT.

I see your strength, Believer and know that at times, you may doubt your strength. That's ok. That's what we are here for. To strengthen and encourage.

Hugz,
L.

WH is still deeply in the fog. He has been hoping to retire for several years. This week he was offered an incentive to retire ($25,000), but turned it down. I think it was a HUGE mistake because he hates his job. However, he did not consult me.

I now call him Leaky Larry, because his boat has lots of leaks in it, and is slowly sinking. It is also funny to me because he is a pipefitter.

Our pastor gave a great sermon last year, about plugging the hole in the boat, instead of just bailing water.

Believer

After reading your post I feel that I am nearly at the same stage as you although I have only been seperated from my WH for nearly 6 months now. Plan B is a great way to get your head together and think about what YOU want for a change and I feel that I do not want my WH back. I have my family and we are very happy with things the way they are now and having him back would spoil that. I had a hard enough time coming to terms with the A and him not wanting me that I just don't think I could cope or go through the recovery process (If the WH was even lucky enough for me to have him back and if he indeed wanted to come back). I do admire your strength and feel that seeing how you come through all the pains and anguish your WS has given you, even now he taunts you and you still are great. Go girl!