Hi,

I really need help in finding an old post about a WH.I think his name was {H} and his wife posted here too,kwieje? something like that?

I could also use any posts or references to WH's who came out of the fog to work on their marriage with success.Or any other posts that are similar.

My WH is starting to flounder again and he says he feels nauseous and obviously doesn't like that D is just around the corner.He has been a little mopey around the house and he is about to go and see his parents who are going to have a very long talk with him.

My WH wants to read some of these posts that I mentioned about other WH because I think what I am hearing is that he just doesn't know how or believe that our marriage could possibly be better than ever.He is still addicted to this OW and can't break free.

I on the other hand have had it with his flip flopping and if he thinks he is better off D then let him have a go at it,I say.He truly seems to be stuck and can't pull himself out.One day he thinks we will all better off in the long run(his feelings) the next week he appears to be unsure because things are getting tough.And are only going to get worse.

So,I'm not sure if any posts will make a difference for him but who knows.I have tried just about everything else except a psychic.

Thanks for anyone who can help out.

O

here you go!!! H's Thread

Hi Octobergirl,

Glad to hear the WS is in despair. Admission is probably 40% improvement.

I see momto3boys sent you the link to [H]'s thread. I personally have had the pleasure of metting both [H] and Knewjie. They are a great couple and quite young compared to us 'oldies' but he has matured emmensly from this issue and the posts you read are when he was in that wavering stage.

I have great respect for those 2. Knewjie and I spent many a night on the phone encouraging each other. She has become like a younger sister to me.

Another thread that I feel it is valuable is Trueheart's letter. Guess I must a need quite a bit of help because both Trueheart and [H] posted info for my then WS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Trueheart's letter

Let your H know that reading all the additional comments is also valuable.

Like dadto3boys, part of the recovery to reality is seeing the pain not just in your own sitch but in others. It seems my xws used to get more angry seeing how other Ws' were treating their spouses. But to me it s/b tolerable. Well that didn't last long.

I used to periodically send him threads from MB. I was careful not to include the ones where I posted our story too much at first. Later I did send one's with my responses, because by that time I was posting at least 20-50 posts per day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

When my xws used to get mad about my posting, I would gently remind him that it was either MB or I take more $$ from him to go to our MC who was 45 miles away. He didn't have the $$ so he settled for MB. It was to my benefit and his.

If your H needs another WS to speak with, let us know. Who knows maybe mine w/b willing to talk with him. Gotta ask first. My WS has met a few BS' and another WS here from MB so he isn't shy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hope this helps.

L.

Thanks SO much ladies!

O

Octobergirl -

I've been thinking about you. Hang in there.

Thanks believer,

Here we go again or what?? What IS my plan NOW? Ugh.

O

Our plan is to keep on keeping on.

Octobergirl,

this is recovery...I know you are tired of it...it is exhausting...ups and downs...takes a long long time you know? be encouraged by Orchid's post...read LowOrbit's post to CV55 today on the recovery board...

it takes a long time for most WS to "get" it...

think of cigarette addiction...we have some awesome government material (Canada) out there right now and I was talking about this with my mom yesterday...

it blows open the myth that most people quit cold-turkey (the percentage is actually very small)...this is one of those "urban" myth kind of things...lets people get in a negative mindset: wow, I am a loser, if I can't do it cold-turkey, then I'll never do it...

instead, using the latest addiction approach, it points out that most people will quit over a number of attempts...that the healthy way to look at "failure" is that each time you try to quit again and fail again, you are actually coming that much closer to your final success...see it as stages to reach your final goal...

I don't have the material in front of me but it takes something like 6-12 times on average to successfully kick the habit...addiction...

OP...affair...withdrawal...self-absorption...navel-gazing...pity party...growing up...getting in touch what what the heck is the cause of all the crap...they've got a lot of stages to go through...and an easy escape route...

patience, time, love...hang in there...you've done so well...I suspect you, like me, have trouble with patience? I've tried to look at it as: this is your learning curve...you are being taught in the toughest way imaginable...

well...that's what keeps me going anyhow...knowing that I need to relinquish "control" (ie. timing) and take full control of myself (patience)...

hope this helps...your post spoke strongly to me this morning as I flit around a bit...take care...awed

Hi awed,

Thanks for your reply.It is frustrating and hurtful.But one thing I don't agree on is the slow,dribs and drabs continued contact of our S's with OW/OM.I really believe that should be cold turkey and the WS needs to have in place a support system and everything at their disposal to help kick that "habit".

I watched my mom go through alcoholism and there would be no way to do anything but cold turkey on the drinking.I don't believe that it is a good idea for drugs either but that's my opinion in my experience.Ugh

It is so painful every time an e-mail is sent or a call is placed.I feel the disrespect and humiliation each time.I want to scream.That is why I agree completely with Dr.Harley and ending contact forever right away,once the decision is made to reconcile.My WH could have done ANY number of things instead of e-mailing the HW but no,he chose again to cause more pain,set us back,risk everything and for what,to keep the pathetic "relationship" going and she doesn't even LIVE in this country?!

I don't have a problem with patience but what I DO have a problem with is the continued disrespect and hurtful behavior.I always said that I could forgive my WH affair but forgiving and working through *continued contact is another story.He is twisting the blade in my heart INSTEAD of taking out the knife and I am fuming.He is ready to gamble his entire life away on the HOPES that things may work out with the homewrecker and what's more is he tries to convince himself,and everyone else, that now all this is not because of her anymore.Grrrr.

Anyway,tomorrow is another day.Well see what's in store with him then. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

O

<small>[ March 29, 2004, 12:50 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

sorry...I wasn't clear...

first-off, I made a mistake...what I meant was cold-turkey the first time! That it normally takes several attempts before you successfully quit...alcoholics too...if your mom didn't fall off the wagon even once, then she was highly unusual...most addicts do before they successfully go clean for life...

I am not advocating a dribs and drabs approach either...of course it must be N/C forever...and enthusiastic recommitment to the marriage eventually...

however, the simple fact is that not everyone (in fact, very few) will manage to get through it successfully the first time...

this knowledge gives you two options:

a) remain with them through withdrawal...restating your boundaries, communicating the hurt, understanding that each time it starts the withdrawal process again, etc. (I'm not advocating that you stand idly by while he fully re-engages in the affair <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ...that would certainly call for Plan B...again)

OR

b) go to Plan B (again) now...

I guess my only point to you was that just because he hasn't been successful yet, does not mean he will not be...most BS have to ride the recovery roller coaster for a while before their WS successfully implements N/C and fully commits back into the M...

but of course: only you can decide if you can wait through this process with him, or whether you need to go back to Plan B and let him do all the work outside your home before he comes back to you...

I'm with ya...it truly sucks...it's beyond hurtful and we thought the first time was bad! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

is he progressing? is he gradually withdrawing? are their interactions becoming less frequent? are there other issues that come into play (as there are with my H) that give you the love and compassion to continue to make it through a slow recovery?

I challenge myself each and every day: do I want to continue? do I CHOOSE to continue?

if my answer is yes, then I accept MY choice, and do so with love for my H...no LBing...discussion yes...no LBing...

right now, we are fully back into N/C with him volunteering to do everything right...he's learning OG...he's learning...

I decided to remain here with him while he learns...to accept the first setback and keep trying...my patience is not endless...either...but this is my choice, and I will do so without anger because it is my choice...

this is recovery reality for most of us...it is the exception (2oak) that quits cold turkey successfully the first time and never has to quit again...

take care...awed

P.S. While I am at it, pissing you off even more <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , the guilt they feel is enormous...yeah I know, nothing compared to our pain...nonetheless...he's going to keep on casting around for someone/something else to blame before he can step up to plate and realize he's the only one on the team...

it's not you...it's him...ignore him...let him figure it out himself...be serene...or go back to Plan B...time time time...you and the family deserve time...there's no rush to D...I know you like to rush! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You're right of course.I know all of what you speak.I would love to go back into plan B but I can't just yet although WH came home tonight and has been trying to be near me again.I didn't mean to suggest that you only thought cold turkey could work either.I know that it can take time.I know it's all about him.

And no,you did not piss me off.I hate that feelings can be misconstrued via e-mail.I am mad internally and I don't lash out at my WH either,it's all in my mind.But thankfully it's not all the time anymore either.The contact between WH and OW is strictly e-mail and most likely cell phone although how frequent it is I don't really know.OW lives in Toronto, Canada and we live on the East coast.So the physical part is off which relieves me.She's tenacious that's for sure.She is 30 and unmarried/no kids and only recently moved in with a friend.She had been living with her parents before. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I would have thought she'd get tired of waiting and move on by now.No such luck.But,I can wait too and I plan too,or at least I think I am going to.I have a feeling that we are not done yet,especially the way WH is acting again so I pray and ask for God's help and take it day by day.I have such beautiful wedding rings that I am in no rush to have to store away either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks again.

O