I'm starting to realize I'm seriously addicted to my lover. I have promised my wife "no contact" but I've failed to keep the promise. I love the OW & have been friends for 5 yrs & lovers for a year. I really thought we had a future together. We would both like that but I want to give my marriage a chance. How does one resist this super strong addiction?

Hi,

I cant' give you any feedback. I myself would like to know because my husband refuses to give up his lover although he has promised to give our marriage a chance. But it isn't really a real chance when he's trying to work things out with me while having the OW in the picture still.

Today I found out he met her for coffeee. They also went out last night to a party and Lord knows where next. He explains it away by saying he no longer wants me.
I don't know if I should stay and try to wait it out or do I leave him immediately.

Help I'm so confused and really really desperate. I can't believe this is happening to me.Even though our marriage was doomed to fail from the very start I still beleive the Lord hada a purpose for us to get married and I am still his wife. Is it okay then for my husband to commit adultery just because our vows were broken?

I thought that's why we come to the Lord for healing.

Someone help! I am really at my wits end because this man is a good man and I can't just let him self destruct.


Thanks for any input.

Ilawolf

Hello,
I'm probably not the best one to help you because I am behaving like your husband. I don't know what you mean about the marriage vows being broken(before?) but it is NOT ok to commit adultery. This is coming from a man who has commited A but knows it was wrong. Let me tell you one thing though...have some compassion because this addiction is like being hooked on heroin or another drug. You need a fix to feel better. I know because I have tried to resist but have fallen to the temptation of contact. I don't know what your husband's relationship is like with the OW but if he is in love with her ....it's reallly tough to break. I also know that until your H is willing to commit to the marriage you are in a tough spot. My limited experience has been that my wife's perseverance & forgiveness has made it pooosible for me to tur rhe corner & ask for the help of this forum. I think there is hope for any marriage...a lot depends on what you expect from it & what it is capable of giving back.

On The Edge,

I can't offer any advice because I am a BS and not a WS and my WH is addicted, just like you, to the OW. However, I truly believe if you ARE able to resist the addiction and rebuild your marriage, your blessings in the long run will FAR outweigh anything you may have enjoyed by pursuing the other relationship.

Ila,

I understand what you're saying about not being able to give your marriage another chance while your WH is still seeing the OW. Mine hasn't exactly said he wants to give "us" a chance, but he gets angry when I refuse to see him or when I ignore him, yet he can't let her go either. You can't rebuild a marriage with the OW in the picture, period.

LL

on the edge,

I am also a BS, and let me tell you something, do not contact OW. Stay away from her. Withdrawals are hard. Get some anti depressants, go to counseling, think about bad things about her. Write a list of good about your wife. My WH is in love with his OW also, he left me and his son and my daughter for her, our very hard worked on house and everything. If you could see what he left me for you would die. He has very low self esteem and he needed the fix she gave his ego. The best thing you can do is look in the mirror and ask yourself if this is the type of man you want to be. If you have children, think about them and how hurt they will be. Put a picture of your wife and children in your pocket and every time you want to see OW, take the picture out, call your wife. Just don't contact OW. It will go away eventually. And you will have ruined a great marriage for nothing.

Can you honestly tell me that a year from now you will even be able to see a reason why you left your wife? Or why you cheated on her to begin with? My WH can't tell me why. He is just attracted to her and can't let her go, so he let all of us go instead. I don't want him back now, he has caused me so much pain. Don't think that your wife won't have these feelings eventually too, and then you won't have a marriage to work on. Go to your church, pray do whatever you have to do to be the man you want to be. And post here. We are all here for you, we know how hard it is, and we can remind you how hard it is on the other side of the coin also. Good luck!

NY

And another thing call out to Hiker. He will help you more than anyone. Or search for his thread and read it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> He is a great guy with a lot of forsight in all of this.

NY

Thank you. I have to be honest;I don't want to give up the OW. I love her & am afraid if the marriage doesn't work I'll lose her. I know this is faulty thinking but I guess it's part of the deal. You said we had a great marriage and at times it was. Mostly it has ben difficult. We've been getting counselling since before we were married....19 yrs ago. I have been unhappy much of the time. The shrinks & wife think I'm the prob & my unhappiness comes from myself. Welll maybe ,however I love the way I function with my lover & we have been through hard times & come out better each time. My wife & I turn away from each other during crisis & come out worse. And for some reason my love is blocked with her but it is open & free flowing with my lover. I know this might sound like a lot of crap but it's not to me right now. One can reallly get into the hope of a better life with someone else who can be a better fit. I do have a real problem hurting the OW & so I tell her it must end & not to wait for me. Problem is she wants to wait. And as far as thinking bad things about her....no can do. This woman opened a place in my heart I didn't know existed. I never felt this way or was able to talk to my wife to the depth I can with my lover. Sorry....you might want to say"yuck,give me a break" but it's where I am right now & it's powerful stuff. Additionally I take most of the responsibility for the relationship because I am in the position of power & have a wife & children. My lover is divorced with no kids.

On the edge: I hear you and I know what you are going through. I have been there...big time. It's good that you are here; this site has helped me a lot. Keep posting, this is not going to be easy for you. My best piece of advice is to have absolutely no contact with OW.. If you want to make your marriage work and I think you do, because you are here. NC is the key. I know you are thinking I could go be with the OW, presto I won’t feel this pain anymore. I will tell you, you are right, however it will be short lived. I’m four months into NC after a 7 + year affair, I know when you say I Love her and I can’t say anything bad about her. I did the same. Looking at her through rose-colored glasses, she had no faults. My wife told me something that I heard but didn’t listen to, so I know you won’t hear it but it may plant a seed. The OW should of left me the minute she found out I was married, speaks volumes to the kind of woman she really is. Now that my fog has lifted I see her for what she was. Use this experience to better yourself, give your wife the husband she deserves…the one she married plus. She loves you and is sticking by your side, which speaks volumes to the kind of woman she is. You are making the right choice by being here. Do you have Children? If so , how old and boys or girls? There is a reason I asked that. Chris

Hi Edge! I am a BS, but I can see what you are giong thru now through the eyes of my own H. He has just ended his affair, although a short one, he is still having withdrawal. He said all the things you are saying, but now that the FOG is lifting, and it IS lifting, he is seeing OW for what she really is/was.

If you do actually want to work on your marriage, which I assume you do just from being here, you must end contact with her. Please visit my husbands thread called "first day without her" and you can see what he is going thru. His user name is dadto3boys.

It is not going to be easy, but you have taken the first step and that is to come here to get the advice and support you need. But you must first end contact with the OW before any sort of reconciliation can begin for you and your W.

Good luck!

Sorry guys I can't see the OW & judge her for the "kind of woman she really is" because of the "kind of man I really am". She is divorced & no kids..I have two boys 17 & 14. So the major burden of control was on me.

On the edge:

I agree whole heartedly with Chris.

Rewind 6 years, before you even met OW. Think back on your perception of people who committed adultery. Think back on your perception of how those kinds of decisions were weak, deceitful, and were like nuclear bombs on a family. Now, rewind back even further. Think back to a time before you were even married. When another relationship with a woman other than your wife would have been acceptable. What if you would have met a nice woman, with similiar likes/dislikes, and discovered some sort of spark with her. But as you got to know her more, you realized she was married with kids at home. Wouldn't you have high tailed it out of there as fast as you could??????????

So, tell me, this OW knew this about you. Knew you had a wife. Knew you had kids. What sense of integrity was there in HER heart to actively pursue, foster, nurture, and invest in a relationship that could only lead to the destruction of a person's family. YOUR FAMILY.

You can't think of anything negative about OW??????? How about that she was the kind of person who was content to let your children cry themselves to sleep because Daddy wasn't home. Come on. This is a fact. And you would like to think your children are not internalizing all these choices that you've made...but they do. They will never say "Gee, I am sure glad Dad betrayed our family, my Mom, or our way of life...because, schucks, he sure looks happy now! And after all, that is all that matters to us, our Dad's happiness!" NO WAY, JOSE!!! Your kids would be left with the aftermath of a broken mom, a borken dad, a broken home, and wonder, gee, am I broken too?
And let me add something, this supposed "happiness" that MIGHT be the outcome of a life with OW, is a mighty BIG, HUGE, GIGANTIC IF! Because, chances are, life would set in, and the very things that drove a wedge in your relationship with your wife would set in here, but you would be even worse off as you have the deck stacked against you (can something that started out so AWFULLY end up so good, and, if you are a God fearing person, you have to know intellectually that GOD WILL NOT BLESS YOUR UNION WITH OW, AS IT IS COUNTER TO HIS WILL).

Look, I am not trying to be harsh, but sometimes we all need a dose of reality. And as a third party, without the emotions you are feeling (and let's face it, emotions LIE to us...if you are a spiritual person, it would be worth the time for you to investigate God's take on emotions...this is a way for Satan to lie to you, a way for you to be manipulated,and the exact reason that God calls for "THE CONSTANT RENEWING OF YOUR MIND, WILL, AND EMOTIONS), I can see the facts are:

* The OW pursued an inapropriate relationship with you, despite the risks to YOU, YOUR CHILDREN, or YOUR WIFE.
* Your wife is among the very few who are willing to try and heal this (and I promise you, as a BS, this is not an eternal "get out of jail free card," eventually the "love bank" she has for you will be empty, and you can grieve what you will be losing with her, and the cost is much higher).
* If your wife moves on, chances are she will remarry, and another man will sleep in your bed, live in your house, and worse of all, raise your children. Is this a comfortable proposition for you?

You have so much more to lose with your wife than the OW. Can you focus on that? You will lose your wife, your children, your family, the life you have worked to build yourself for many years, your reputation, your integrity, your honor, your pride, and worst of all, YOURSELF.

Why do I say you will lose yourself? Go back to my comments at the beginning. Think back on your perception of people who committed adultery. You did not like it, did not think highly of them, did not respect them, did not agree with those choices, and could see the effects of those choices on these people and the ones who loved them. Seems to me you could be one of two sets of people. Those who admit their mistakes, don't like the path they are headed down, but get to hold their head up high because they turned right around and got their act together (DESPITE THE PAIN, the short term sacrifice, and the apparent loss at the moment, they can look back now and know they made the right move). Or you can be someone who continues down the path toward being someone or something you once hate, you can continue to lie to yourself, and eventually, you will deny your very core values, beliefs, and thoughts about what is pure and upright in this world, because that is the only way you can willingly keep going the way you are headed, and you will have lost the very fabric of who you are.

And eventually, the realization of that, I believe, will eat you alive, and hurt more than this "detox" is hurting now.

You are fighting for your family. Fighting for your wife. Fighting for the man you could be...and the man you would like to KEEP being.

STOP CALLING OW. I would advise that you add something else to your pocket. Have the picture of your kids, your wife, your God, and yourself, the man you want to be.

You don't want to be the man who quit on your family, your wife, or yourself. You have the strength to turn around and head the other way...back home.

You will be in my prayers.

ChristyV,

GREAT post! I only wish my WH were on here and would read it. He is addicted to the OW (in our case, a woman who initially intrigued him because she was 25 and he wanted to know what she saw in him). She knew he was married, and yet has no qualms of breaking up his marriage and his family.

I am heartbroken from what I am going through--having the man I married 19 years ago and planned to spend the rest of my life with--walk out on me. It is very hard on the kids, too. They are teens, and they know EXACTLY what is going on, and right now they won't even speak to their father. They hate him and what he is doing.

He is losing everything--for what, someone who makes him feel good, and feel young?

On the Edge,

Please read what ChristyV posted. You will be blessed, I truly believe, if you go back and rebuild your marriage. And I also fully agree with her that God will not bless the union of you and the OW, no matter how good it may feel right now. It goes completely contrary to His word.

LL

I am the FWW and am pretty sure I've been talking to your W.

I thought I would die if I didn't see OM again. I didn't leave my H for him because he wouldn't leave his W. My H knows all this.

We finished the A in June last year, he contacted me by e-mail just before christmas and I went looking for him in late January on the walk I take which he knew I took at the same every day and we had an "unspoken" agreement if we needed to talk that's where it would be be. And it's been NC ever since.

I don't know what I can say. Just that every WS on this board has felt like you do. EVERY SINGLE ONE.

Jenny

I have had no contact ever since.

We need all the WS'S to get together and go on a cruise. (without the OW). There is no pain like this addiction, we are all one drink away from destruction. I want that drink, I need that drink, it would taste soooo good. She is there waiting for you, I know I bet mine is crying somewhere right now. They are all the same, they want what they cannot and should not have, TEMPTATION is the operative principle it will always be there lurking when you are weak,it is like a little devil on your shoulder whispering in your ear. THEY ARE NOT YOUR FAMILY, you will get old and die alone without your family for sure, will the OW be there if you get sick? lose your job? lose your status, money? Lovers? blah I could get in bed with a parade of them now I know to run away run from them they wittingly or unwittingly will destroy you. DESTROY YOU. Think about that. It is a fit, we are a match, it feels so right we all say that, they say that. Strip yourself down to nothing and see if she wants that, you know your family will take you unconditionaly will OW? Oh yes she says, you are the love of my life etc... BULL****. It is fantasy a best case scenario, wishful thinking or actually a total delusion. All women look good when all they have to do is please you and seduce you, that is it. One job one purpose to fool you to bedazzle you, poison you away from the truth. THEY CANNOT BE WHO THEY SAY THEY ARE AND YET DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU ARE AND WILL BE. Think hard my friend, be alone without her, stare at some sterile hotel walls while you wait for OW that is all you will have left, your family will move on eventually without you, life goes on and you will be with your wonderful OW wondering what the hell you gave up.

on the edge,

I am a WS. I had an affair and "fell in love" with my "soulmate" and almost destroyed my marriage because I "was not in love with my husband anymore, if I ever was in love with him, blah blah blah."

PFFFT! Then I woke up. The first thing I did was tell my husband the truth, then I ended the affair, and instilled no contact with the OM. (I couldn't have done it without the advice and support of the awesome people here! So stay with us.)

Amazingly, I fell back in love with my husband! All in a matter of approximately 3 months.

You are in the right place, nows the time to do the right thing.

Tell your Wife the truth. Be honest with her. End the affair and write a No Contact letter. Give it a few weeks and if you wife is willing to forgive you, then give your wife all the affection and attention that you gave OW all this time. Just take it a day at a time and keep coming back here.

Read all of the info on the home page and read the stories of some of the betrayed spouses here, it will break your heart and enlighten you to what your wife is feeling.

Read all the posts by 2ofakind. This guy is good, man and has a real way of getting his point of NO CONTACT across to wayward spouses.

CLICK: HERE to read some of his latest posts.

If you really truly want your marriage to work and end the addiction of the affair, I can tell you it is possible and if you can just get thru the first few torturous weeks of no contact with your lover, you can be happily married again and realize that your wife is the better choice.

mrsx

<small>[ March 28, 2004, 09:29 PM: Message edited by: mrsx ]</small>

Here, Here Dadto3boys. You said it better than I could have.

POISON!

And your wife is the antidote!

WOOOO HOOOOOO DAD! HE11 YEA! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> I see you are starting to see thru that fog D23B, and I am rooting for you and M23B!!

mrsx

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dadto3boys:
<strong> We need all the WS'S to get together and go on a cruise. (without the OW). There is no pain like this addiction, we are all one drink away from destruction. I want that drink, I need that drink, it would taste soooo good. She is there waiting for you, I know I bet mine is crying somewhere right now. They are all the same, they want what they cannot and should not have, TEMPTATION is the operative principle it will always be there lurking when you are weak,it is like a little devil on your shoulder whispering in your ear. THEY ARE NOT YOUR FAMILY, you will get old and die alone without your family for sure, will the OW be there if you get sick? lose your job? lose your status, money? Lovers? blah I could get in bed with a parade of them now I know to run away run from them they wittingly or unwittingly will destroy you. DESTROY YOU. Think about that. It is a fit, we are a match, it feels so right we all say that, they say that. Strip yourself down to nothing and see if she wants that, you know your family will take you unconditionaly will OW? Oh yes she says, you are the love of my life etc... BULL****. It is fantasy a best case scenario, wishful thinking or actually a total delusion. All women look good when all they have to do is please you and seduce you, that is it. One job one purpose to fool you to bedazzle you, poison you away from the truth. THEY CANNOT BE WHO THEY SAY THEY ARE AND YET DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU ARE AND WILL BE. Think hard my friend, be alone without her, stare at some sterile hotel walls while you wait for OW that is all you will have left, your family will move on eventually without you, life goes on and you will be with your wonderful OW wondering what the hell you gave up. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

on the edge,
you aren't addicted to the ow, you're addicted to the way she makes you feel, it could be anyone,
doesn't matter who it is as long as you get your fix. I don't know how our self esteem gets so low
that we feel like we have to have another person
to make us believe we are somebody.
Looking back now, I can see how unhealthy it all was. I thought I loved ow too, couldn't live without her, there were days when I really wanted to die, thought somehow she could save me, thats
just sick, sure as hell wasn't love.

If you want to stop you can, but YOU have to
want to, you cut off all contact, no calls,
no emails, no letters, nothing. If you have the
urge ,go do something else, work in the yard,
help clean house, talk to your wife, do something with your kids, get your wife to do something with you, take your mind off ow.
Avoid the things that remind you of her, certain music, movies, all that stuff, I had to do it,
now it doesn't bother me and shes just a distant memory and not a good one either.

You promised your wife no contact ,live up to it.
Remember that you're suffering from a self inflicted wound.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by OnlyHuman:
<strong> on the edge,
you aren't addicted to the ow, you're addicted to the way she makes you feel, it could be anyone,
doesn't matter who it is as long as you get your fix. I don't know how our self esteem gets so low
that we feel like we have to have another person
to make us believe we are somebody.
Looking back now, I can see how unhealthy it all was. I thought I loved ow too, couldn't live without her, there were days when I really wanted to die, thought somehow she could save me, thats
just sick, sure as hell wasn't love.

If you want to stop you can, but YOU have to
want to, you cut off all contact, no calls,
no emails, no letters, nothing. If you have the
urge ,go do something else, work in the yard,
help clean house, talk to your wife, do something with your kids, get your wife to do something with you, take your mind off ow.
Avoid the things that remind you of her, certain music, movies, all that stuff, I had to do it,
now it doesn't bother me and shes just a distant memory and not a good one either.

You promised your wife no contact ,live up to it.
Remember that you're suffering from a self inflicted wound. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You let your self esteem get so low cuz your BS is not meeting your EN and you convince yourself that the OW IS meeeting those needs. If you search your soul and heart you find that your BS CAN and WILL meet those needs, but you must learn how to do it again.

Avoid the things that remind you of OW...soemthing as simple as the ring tone on your cell phone. my H had to change his ring tone last night. he did it in front of me cuz that was HER ringtone and he looked forward to THAT ringtone. so he had to change it.

Please STOP the contact now and give your your W a second chance.

Wow, there really isn't much more to add that hasn't already been said, but remember, the OW is and has been a drug this whole time. You don't see the bad parts of her now. It'll take awhile for you to see them. I know my OW is a compulsive liar and manipulative lunatic, and yet I can't stop thinking of the GOOD things. It's awful to feel this way. You're not the only one who thinks that your OW is great and wonderful and your soulmate; but it's simply not true.

This is great enws for any BS because what your WS is feeling is NOT love --- it's a fix. a quick fix. It's a terrible weakness that all WS has.

I don't know the statistics of how many WS and OP have lasting relationships; but there is no doubt that sooner or later real life kicks in. Right now it's smiles and kisses and laughing and sex, etc. All the good things. Wait till it's time to pay bills and mow the lawn and clean dishes and windex the windows and clean the litter box. Wait till the dust settled and REAL LIFE begins again. What is the true strength of the relationship then?

This post is not about me, but my OW did not work, did not want to work, was naive, was a real flirt with everyone, and had lots of free time to devote to trying to make me happy and fantasize about our life together. Truth be told, if I met her before getting married, I would have thought she was cute, maybe had some laughs as friends, but I would have known better than to marry someone like that. I knew I wanted more than she could offer. A pretty face is a dime a dozen. Blow jobs are more expensive, but they are easy to get too. Don't screw your life up for those things. Keep life simple. Simplify.