First, a little background. Wednesday confronted W about suspisions and learned of a 8 month EA, where she was actually asked by OM to marry. Since he was married, and due to italian law, D is just too hard and lenghtly (at least that is his story to W). Saturday nite, had a big military formal we had to attend, and we had someone to watch our kids. After the ball and dinner, I suggested that W return to the room a few minutes before me b/c I left (intentionally) my cell phone on the dinner table. What I had already done was to take rose petals and make a heart on the bed, and placed a letter that I had written on the petals. Here's the letter:

Dear ____,

After everything that has happened, I feel that I could best express myself on paper rather than trying to articulate with words. There is never a good time to talk about things like this, but we are at a point where I think we need to really think about our relationship. Where are we going? What will become of us and our beautiful daughters?

Going back in my mind, I have been trying to understand where I failed, what I didn’t do for you, and where I let you down to the point that I drove you to another man. You have told me that the only reason I want you is sex, but what about all the rest? When I met you, I met the woman of my life, my lover and the mother of my children. Did I take you for granted? I don’t think so, that was never my intention, but you can be sure that I never will from now until the day that I die. I wish we had both opened up to each other and discussed this stuff a long time ago, whether it meant arguments or whatever. I understand that you need time, I need it too. I want for us to CHOOSE each other again.

I am in love with my family, my children, and most importantly my wife. If I could look all over the world, all around me, I would CHOOSE you! This does not mean that I want you no matter what, I want to be wanted too. Nobody ever said that marriage was easy. Love is like a plant, if it is well taken care of, watered, fertilized, it will thrive, but it requires attention every day!

I told you that my heart cannot hold all the love that I have for you, and I mean that. We had an amazing love once, and I know that we can have that again. It will not be easy, we will have to work and search the depths of our hearts and souls to regain our marriage and love for each other. We must begin to talk to each other again, not just trivial stuff like the weather, but really talk to each other. I want to spend more time alone to help regain that connection, we have avoided each other for too long and that has help lead to this point.

All I can tell you is that I am sure of my feelings for you, but I also know that I cannot live like this. I want to know that we can count on each other, and that storm clouds will not cast a shadow on this marriage.

If we work on US, we will be stronger than ever. This cannot be all about the girls, we need to restore our love in this marriage, and that will be the greatest gift that we can give them. All marriages have problems of one sort or another, the choice is weather you believe that our marriage is worth saving, that you love me and want to be with me.

It will not be easy, nothing worth having ever is. Together, and ONLY TOGETHER, we can make it. The key to love is respect, for yourself and the ones you love. I need to be able to respect myself and you again. This is the only condition for a future together.

Know that I love you with all my heart and want you in my life FOREVER.

I love you,
_____

I get to the room about 15 mins later, and she is getting ready for bed, she is clearly conflicted. She says thanks for the letter, but is upset. She didn't want to talk about it. We made love, she wanted too (so did I!) but I could tell it was difficult for her to release herself to me. The next day (sunday) was really hard. She broke down 2 times on the drive back home to pick-up the kids. She says she misses him, we talked a little about thier relationship, w/me gentally steering the conversation. I was careful not to run down this guy, know that would be a huge LB right now. She is totally confused right now, and in great pain, which hurts me to see. I am trying to give her space, like I have told others, she needs to choose me and this M, I will do all I can to guide her to my direction, but I am not going to be with a woman who just stays, she has to want to be w/me.

So what does everyone think? What's my next move? We have our first MC appt on Monday (5 April) early AM, and then that evening we fly to Paris for 5 days. We are taking the kids, so romance stuff will be pretty slim. Any ideas for getting thru this week entact?

Betayedman,

First I wanted to tell you what a lovely letter you wrote. I would love to have my husband be able to express himself to me like that. I imagine that your wife was very touched by the letter.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She says thanks for the letter, but is upset. She didn't want to talk about it. We made love, she wanted too (so did I!) but I could tell it was difficult for her to release herself to me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It could be that she was feeling guilty after reading your letter. She wanted to be with you, so that is very encouraging, don't you think?

As for your trip to Paris. Why can't you be romantic in front of your children? (No, I am not talking about sex, that is trickier.) Children love to see their parents express their love. After spending most of their live seeing their parents disconnected, our daughters love to see affection and warmth between their parents.

Have a beautiful trip.

Cathy

Dear Betrayedman,

Sorry about not being able to post yesterday - I get very little computer time in private, and in two weeks time, I will be away for a couple of weeks, but just wanted to let you know that I think you handled this very well.

It sounds like your wife is starting to feel the crunch - she is being dumped by OM, and is starting to realize that she may have screwed up her marriage big-time. She is starting to feel the hurt caused by her actions. I think you have been as generous and caring as any man could be in your position. And that's good. I know you have angry feelings, too, and at some point, they have to be addressed as well - but if you can make a commitment to work with her, then at least the door is still open for her to come back into a marriage built on honesty and mutual respect, where love can flourish instead of wither.

I think it is important right now to give her space, like we said before - spend time with the kids, try to be kind. Don't try to talk to her about it, don't push her into talking about it - you've exposed her affair, and now's the time to not pester her about the details - the answers to those questions will come later.

Right now is the time to make some groundrules clear - she is supposedly "thinking" about the marriage, right?

The most important thing is to let her know that there is no hope for a full recovery unless the other guy is out of the picture - PERIOD, no ifs ands or buts - this means NO CONTACT at all - she needs to decide - does she want him as a friend, or you as a husband. The recovery of your marriage, and your being able to relate to your wife again without the influence of a third party depends on her being able to make this choice. But you can't expect her to do it without you making clear to her that it is a requirement for you staying together.

So I'd say that's step one. Getting her to realize that NC is a requirement to recovering your marriage.

That said, in order to be able to confirm NC, she has to be willing to be accountable to you - that means she has to relinquish her "right to privacy". She needs to be open and honest. This isn't an attempt to control her, its a demand for an open, honest marriage. Trust cannot be re-established if one person demands the right to still hide things from their spouse.

I could go on at length about this, because this is the fundamental poison at work in my own marriage. My H still refuses to be open to me - he never has relinquished his right to "privacy" - and because of that, I am not able to trust him. We are in this position because I did not have the courage to demand NC, or that he relinquish his right to privacy as a condition of our marriage continuing. Well, actually I made both those things clear to him, its just that he stayed without ever being accountable for himself - if you look at 2long's thread, I am in much the same position as him. So what I am saying is have the courage not to make the same mistakes I did. (I love my H, and my H is still in IC - and I have not given up on being able to one day handle the things in our marriage which I am unhappy with - but for personal reasons, that's difficult right now.)

I think your letter and the way you presented it to her was very thoughtful. The fact that she wanted to be with you afterwards is a good sign.

Remember that this can be a wild ride on the rollercoaster and some days will be very hard - but there can be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow - a new marriage, even better than before - that's what you both want, for both of you and the sake of your children.

All the best,
LIR

^^bump^^ for BM. How's it going, BM?

LIR

LIR,

Thanks for thinking about me! That was wierd, I am at work, thought I would do a little lurking, and this pops up.

Things are really looking up. We have had a good week, W is staying busy, keeping her mind on other things than the OM. Last week, she called the OM to tell him I knew and to not call again. A letter would have required a face to face, so a call was the only way.

This morning was the best. About 4:45 AM I woke up to go to the bathroom. After I returned to bed, realized W wasn't sleeping, but figured I had woken her up, so tryed to be quiet. She reached over and touched my face, and asked why I got up, so I told her "to use the bathroom". She kept caressing my face, touching my ear. Before I knew it, SF!! My W hardly ever initiates SF, maybe 1-2 times a year, it is always me to trying to figure out if she is "in the mood". It is a huge deal for me b/c I have a much higher libido than her, so when she initiates, it is just awesome! Does wonders for the ol' male self esteem, if ya know what I mean.

We have our 1st MC on Monday morning, and then fly to Paris Monday evening for 5 days. That will be a good trip for us, good to get away, change of pace, can see all the sites and take the girls to Euro-Disney. I need the break at work also.

Again, thanks for asking. The day is still early, but is shaping up great!